Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Wiener Bitchzel

Oh, Berlin with the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. It actually wasn’t a bad trip if you ignore the weird, fantastical, messy veal tartare of an argument Dorit Kemsley tried to throw at Kyle Richards. Why can’t these women just ever have fun eating food… it’s like if they start a fight they won’t have time to consume the calories?

Yet for the most part everyone had fun and got along. Prost to that! (Cheers in German. Thanks Google)

First the women either went shopping or spent 4+ hours ordering lattes in German. Kyle, Lisa Rinna and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave are afraid they’ll be forced into consuming whole milk and sugar by language barriers. Like the Germans are some primitive people never exposed to modern things like – gasp – ALMOND MILK. Or fat-free milk! I think the menus were actually written in cave drawings and ‘hoople hop ooper mandopippitidy peep pop poopio’ or whatever ever it is Lipsa ordered was actually dehydrated wild buffalo penis. You never know with these newly discovered civilizations! I mean … pretzels?

Lattes In Berlin

Meanwhile Erika Girardi, Dorit, and Lisa Vanderpump went shopping. I am fascinated by the breakdown – Kyle, Teddi, and Lipsa got… lattes. LVP, Erika, and Dorit got Cavalli and Champagne. Well, we can see who is winning at Real Housewives of Beverly Hills life!

Erika & Dorit shopping

Dorit believes international shopping is the number one way to bond a friendship. Which explains so much about why her friendships are all a mess! Except she doesn’t presently have problems with Erika or LVP, so perhaps she’s right. The poor women terrorize Axel, the shop manager, who has been pining from his remote outpost for glamour to come to Berlin – for women with style, pizazz and shrill voices demanding his attentions for more fur, more champagne, more velvet. Cause again, before RHOBH came to town the peoples of Berlin were wearing nothing but kaftans and speaking into bratwurst held to their ears instead of iPhones. Thank God the heathens were rescued by these missionaries from In High Maintenance Bitchiness We Save.

(I joke, but I loved these scenes).

Kyle on horseback

Things started to unravel when they went horseback riding through the German countryside. Kyle decided to live out her My Little Pony dreams by riding a horse that was better suited to a petting zoo. Kyle is not only afraid of heights and falling from those great heights (which explains why she wears heels all day), but is severely allergic to horses. Instead of Kyle skipping the riding, or planning ahead and taking some allergy meds, she has a panic attack and ruins the whole thing.

Kyle panic attack

Kyle had some sort of severe allergic reaction which turned her eyes bright red and then she literally ran screaming from the horse to hyperventilate on the bus, then wound up mixing some German allergy medicine she didn’t investigate with champagne. Safety first! By the time dinner rolled around she was a woozy, red-eyed mess.

Lipsa also had her issues when she ended up on a run-away horse (not nearly as exciting as a runaway camel!). Although we’re not sure if LVP was sending Lipsa’s horse subliminal messages to take off into the unknown German countryside and run Lipsa away from them? If it weren’t for Teddi’s calm, assured manner by giving Lipsa direction to regain control, who knows what would’ve become of her?! Teddi was awesome out there! Even Erika had to give Teddi props for her composure.

Teddi was also awesome in talking Kyle down from the edge of melodramatic meltdown after riding. If Teddi is gonna be the Kyle Whisperer, we need to keep her around for a while. Now if only we could find someone to manage Dorit

UGH – DORIT. Again. Always. I was actually liking everyone this episode. Even Erika in her Marlene Dietrich drag (I thought it looked killer even as her overdrawn lipstick was bleeding onto her skin). Erika invited everyone to her suite for a cozy dinner party. Naturally the German food caused consternation because the heathens were trying to force strange and exotic – possibly poisonous or caloric – notions into the refined palates of our Housewives.

Erika, as a “continental bitch,” will eat your veal tartare or your cream-top milk lattes! Lady eating baby animals doesn’t do much to endear people to you, but I mean I suppose when in primitive lands… do as primitive people do. Which means verbally attack your ill friend over dinner. We’re looking at you Dorit!

Dorit & LVP

I blame LVP for starting the drama – it did seem as she planned to instigate something. Why? I don’t know. Was she seeking revenge over Kyle’s Nanny Kaye lapse? LVP brought up the drama from NYC and how she was glad they’ve all recovered, and then Do-Do-Dorit was off accusing Kyle of ruining her Bella Magazine party by hurting her feelings.

Kyle & Erika

Kyle snaps right back that if we’re talking hurt feelings what about Dorit tattling to Erika (and lying) that Kyle was complaining about her leaving the beach house. Dorit argues that she told Erika about this in front of everyone because when people are outside and doing cardio they also have their bionic hearing aids on and these James Bond contraptions can use their sonar to penetrate walls!  These are things we sophisticated Americans all possess – take note Germans!

Kyle‘s biggest issue, however, is that LVP defended Dorit’s hurt feelings as being Kyle’s fault, but, again, never said a word in Kyle’s defense or to validate her issues. Yes – what is that?! Dorit even suggests that Kyle was trying to create problems between her and Lisa with everything that happened in NYC. Teddi interjects to defend Kyle by stating that all this she-said/she-said could be avoided if people (DORIT) just didn’t say things they don’t want repeated, and LVP straight up snaps at Teddi to be quiet like she’s a child. What is it with everyone being so dismissive of Teddi? I know she’s younger than everyone, and that makes these women queasy, but seriously – she’s not some 8 year old who should be seen and not heard!

Lipsa, who has been enjoying consuming the drama from the sidelines, suddenly is there to rescue Teddi. It’s pay it forward – Teddi saved her earlier, right? Lipsa will kill LVP with karma by pointing out that if LVP can defend Dorit; Kyle deserves to have a friend in her corner pocket too. Plus all Teddi said was basically think before you speak!

The argument loses all validity, however, when Dorit goes on a tangent blaming Kyle for starting pantygate. Erika throws up her hands and kicks everyone out because honestly who even knows what the hell Dorit is talking about, and it’s best to disengage and slowly back away…

Except once again Kyle’s bruised feelings have crept out from under her caftan and reared their ugly head. I swear LVP is so attached to keeping Dorit in check because: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer and Dorit is a loose cannon!

Kyle & LVP talk

The next day Kyle meets LVP  to discuss why they continue having issues over Dorit. Kyle and LVP testily manage to come to an agreement that they’ll both keep Dorit out of their friendship and work out their separate problems with her, without the other person interjecting. That’s a nice way of saying we’re stuck with this Dorit person and we know the common denominator in all of The World Of Real Housewives’ problems is Dorit.

Teddi & Dorit

Meanwhile the other women go sightseeing in Berlin. Teddi manages, with Lipsa and Erika’s support, to point out to Dorit that LVP speaking up for her, did give her the unfair advantage, and it’s not fair that Kyle can’t have any of her friends defend her as well. Except Dorit has no idea who this Lisa person even is – those were just the voices in her head speaking with her multiple personality voice, which sounds authentically British, but there was certainly no Lisa person who speaking for her – Teddi is clearly crazy given that she can’t identify proper alcoholic vessels.

Luckily history dwarfed all housewives drama! Finally we found something that could. Because standing in front of Holocaust memorials and the remains of The Berlin Wall puts things in perspective even for Dorit, whose own father’s family was irrevocably fractured by the Nazis. Her grandfather escaped and didn’t see his parents for 30 years, thinking they perished in a Siberian labor camp, only to learn they had survived the war and were living in Israel.

RHOBH in Berlin

After all that soul-crushing history, the women decide to spend their night doing something lighthearted by eating pretzels and drinking beer. With giant steins they cheers to no drama – and, for once, mean it. Maybe all they ever needed were some carbs and a good sausage to right their equilibrium and raise their dopamine levels? Perhaps all those lettuce leaves were actually the reason the Housewives have such skewed perspectives and find drama lurking everywhere – even under a zucchini noodle or a Chanel purse. As for the lack of sausage – take note HarryHamlins!

The night ends with Kyle finding herself trapped in a polka-music mosh pit, being pogo’d around until she reconnects with the ladies for some good old fashioned German dancing. Wiener Schnitzel for all!

Next week the women get on a boat and once again everything sinks.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]