D'Andra Simmons is

Y’all, I love Real Housewives Of DallasAnd you know what I love even more? A Mama Dee takeover of Real Housewives Of Dallas. Smother those bitches in 6,000 calories worth of butter and ketchup, get them too stuffed to move, then berate them with a frozen smile. You know the reason Mama Dee’s face doesn’t move is because she isn’t about to let anybody see her sweat.

D’Andra Simmons is living a life of hard nights and harder mornings when she has to face the realities that her friendship with LeeAnne Locken has gone to complete shit. Even worse, despite their fight at Cary Deuber‘s laser thingy, D’Andra’s mama has organized a playdate to force them to get along. And even worse-worse, they have to cook at this thing! Needless to say with all this stress D’Andra isn’t looking so fresh and bright-eyed during her Hard Night Good Morning rebranding photoshoot.

Across town, Brandi Redmond meets Travis at a jewelry store to pick out a re-wedding right for Stephanie Hollman. It turns out Brandi has actually known Travis longer than she’s known Stephanie, and Brandi was the one who helped pick out Stephanie’s engagement ring. I think this is adorable!

Anyway, Brandi arrives in shoes that don’t match her pants with a baby still wearing pajamas, but at least her hairs are straight all the way around this time! I love Travis. I really do. I mean, he wanders the store holding a baby like a pro, then casually drops $41,000 on a ring for his wife. I’d emotionally manipulate him with my needy whining and co-dependence in order to keep him too, Stephanie!

Stephanie Hollman

Stephanie and Travis are renewing their vows after 10 years of marriage because Stephanie wants to do it while she’s still young enough to squeeze into her original wedding gown, and also before she has so many wrinkles she looks either like a Shar Pei or squeezed tight as a lemon ala Mama Dee. It’s also insurance that Travis still loves her before he leaves her alone for a month to do his Harvard business school. After all, Stephanie is depressed – especially when she’s forced to be on her own with the kids! I hear you, but hire a nanny, girl, you’re rich! I mean if Brandi can do it, you can!

Across town, Kameron Westcott hosts an event for the opening of some boutique which involves shopping for charity. Gosh, do these ladies work SOOOOOO hard to do good for the world! Wow. I am just in awe of their selfless dedication to those in need. Most in need of help is LeeAnne who is enraged that D’Andra twisted her words and is now claiming LeeAnne called her an alcoholic. LeeAnne insists to Kameron and Cary that she never said that (she just implied it) – after all everyone knows it’s BRANDI who is the real alcoholic. Which LeeAnne did actually say, much to Cary’s dismay.

Cary Deuber is shocked by LeeAnne's words

LeeAnne defends her word choice by blaming Brandi and D’Andra for bullying her over her wedding. She is being pushed and pushed and pushed which gives her PTSD flashbacks (aka crocodile tears) of having her head shoved in a locker in high school. Which totally messed up her giant 80’s hair, y’all! THE TRAUMA of Aqua Net running out after recess. LeeAnne – just stop. You originally started all this by blabbing D’Andra’s finances to Cary.

LeeAnne calls Brandi Redmond an alcoholic

LeeAnne is also back to making ‘death threats’ when she asserts that if Brandi and D’Andra keep pushing her someone will get killed… and it ain’t gonna be the carny with access to dissociative evil hands! Happy Halloween! Love Bravo. So, I guess LeeAnne’s amygdala abandoned her too?

D’Andra Believes LeeAnne Plotted To Attack Her With Alcohol Abuse Allegations! 

Kameron nods her slow nod, blinks her vapid Barbie eyes, and agrees that if you keep poking the bear the bear will bite and bear bites are like NOT the accessory of the season even if the scars eventually turn pink. Just, no, girl; bad idea, girl or Kameron will have to tattle to her mother-in-law!

So after that lovely message Cary goes home, takes a loooong cleansing shower, and marvels at LeeAnne being the victim not of bullying, but karma! She has had a lot of things to say about everyone else’s relationships over the years and now the shoe is on the other foot! Obviously, that gave Cary the idea that it is the perfect time to plan a cast trip to Copenhagen to reconnect with her long-lost relatives and hopefully grow closer to her parents, but at the same time bring all her friends back together again! Yeah, I think this trip will go swell.

Now for the literal meat and potatoes of this episode! D’Andra, dragging her feet and sulking like the teenager she will always emotionally be in Mama Dee’s presence, arrives at Dee’s best friend Marian’s house for cooking lessons. All of the cooking involves bacon – seriously it was just hanging everywhere like curtains!

The irony is not lost on D’Andra that they are at Marian’s, not Dee’s – this is part of the lesson. Marian and Dee have weathered 40 years of friendship and only one of them looks like a 75-year-old woman. The purported end goal here is to feed the husbands so Jeremy is there, along with Rich and Court, plus Kameron brought a surprise guest – her mother in law, Jimmy! Jimmy needs to call Dee’s plastic surgeon in the future cause that eye job… For a grande dam of Dallas society, I don’t know – has she heard of Dr. Marc Deuber?!

Mama Dee hosts a friendship lesson

Dee, being old-fashioned, still believes the way to a man’s heart is through his clogged arteries so he kicks the bucket faster and makes you the beneficiary of his will. Errrr, I mean his stomach. LeeAnne begs to differ: she illustrates with an ever-so-classy gesture that the way to a man’s heart is through fellatio. “It’s always worked for me!” she smirks. Clearly not since it’s taken her 9+ years to get Rich down the aisle… Stay Classy, LeeAnne – all eyes of Dallas society are watching and judging… Oh, wait. They only do that to D’Andra. But seriously – what’s the way to a friends heart? Hello – it’s WINE!

The actual purpose of this little gathering is to promote the diversity of ketchup, the wonder food, and for Dee to assess D’Andra and LeeAnne’s damaged relationship and bring them back together again. Bitchy-Dumpty had a great fall… I assume Kameron was there so it didn’t look so obvious?

Dee starts out strong by shading D’Andra for always having weight problems because she couldn’t control herself around Dee’s amazing cooking, then handing D’Andra a Queen Bee apron while LeeAnne shot chopping knives out of her eyeballs and visibly stopped herself from ripping it off D’Andra’s neck. The second Dee’s back is turned LeeAnne and D’Andra start arguing over whether or not LeeAnne called D’Andra an alcoholic and how drunk Brandi was at LeeAnne’s No-Tie charity event. Was she swaying in the breeze cause she was three-sheets to the wind, or were her heels too big because they belonged to D’Andra? And more importantly was D’Andra also drunk?! Word on the Highland Park streets is YES and also LeeAnne placed an ad in the Highland Park Bulletin advertising D’Andra’s naughty behavior and offered the reward of a meditation session for anyone who could catch D’Andra acting inappropriately in the future! I love how these two are literally behaving like children at Thanksgiving.

Now D’Andra is certainly twisting LeeAnne’s words. What she’s really guzzling is a taste of her own medicine. I mean, D’Andra knows LeeAnne well enough to predict that if she started questioning LeeAnne and Rich’s relationship LeeAnne was going to grow claws underneath her acrylics and use her hair extensions as a lasso to yank D’Andra right down to the ground underneath the carnie trailers where having a Simmons name can’t save you from shame.

LeeAnne talks to Mama Dee

After they all praise ketchup for rejuvenating dry meatloaf everywhere Dee pulls LeeAnne aside for a tet-at-tet. LeeAnne basically informs her that Brandi is a bad influence and around her, D’Andra does too much partying. Dee is sage and wise, and reminds LeeAnne that it’s her duty not to double-cross D’Andra or she’ll face Dee’s wrath! OK well, Dee never said that explicitly, but it was heavily implied in society speak!

D'Andra gets a lecture from Kameron's mother in law

Meanwhile across the vast house Jimmy and Kameron sit D’Andra down for a little chat about her behavior because word is getting around that she has turned crass and vulgar; arriving drunk at charity events, then taking the needy home with her and playing k-cup games with them. Jimmy straight up lectures D’Andra, like a child, that if she doesn’t pull it together and stop making herself the subject of gossip, Kameron won’t be allowed to come over and play anymore. Mmmkay, girl, here is the thing, girl: LEEANNE just made a blowjob gesture on TV, but Jimmy full-on condones her friendship with Kameron! Jimmy also warned D’Andra to stay focus on her “real friends” aka LeeAnne instead of trashy newbies like Brandi, but how is LeeAnne even remotely acceptable or appropriate? Furthermore, how would Jimmy even know who Brandi is? Well, she probably hate-watches this show to make notes on Kam’s every misstep, then inform her of how she can improve in the future.

Second of all, how in the hell would anyone even know D’Andra is misbehaving if it weren’t for Kameron and LeeAnne spreading it around Dallas society!? Aren’t they the only who ones who have so-far witnessed these so-called infractions given that the episodes haven’t aired? D’Andra isn’t exactly toting Brandi to premiere galas! Also, why is Jimmy worried about what D’Andra is doing – other than wanting to protect her friend Dee, maybe?

Thirdly, when did Brandi get so much power? It’s kind of amusing actually how they’re all so threatened by her!

D’Andra says she doesn’t care what people think about her because she’s 50 years old and has had it with being ‘The Perfect Simmons’.  Obviously, she’s lying, and this has touched a nerve. LeeAnne smirks that D’Andra better not cross Jimmy who wields incredible power on the Dallas scene, but I’m not putting much faith in Jimmy’s judgment if she thinks LeeAnne is ap-pro-pri-ate company! I guess the truth hurts that LeeAnne is held to a different standard, though. She is essentially ‘The Help’ to these women, and don’t think LeeAnne isn’t well-aware. Imagine if D’Andra ripped her belt off and smashed a table with it?! Jimmy would have the vapors for life!

When they finally get to eat, D’Andra says not two words to Kameron and LeeAnne at the table, even after Mama Dee makes a pointed speech about the importance of maintaining friendships.

Finally, everyone reunites to celebrate Jeremy having one of his award-winning military photographs turned into a wall art mural in downtown Dallas. This is so cool! I love seeing Jeremy as something other than D’Andra’s less-than gold digger husband and I think it is sweet that he and Rich are maintaining their friendship despite whatever is going on between LeeAnne and D’Andra. Speaking of, D’Andra invited LeeAnne hoping they could start getting back on the right track but LeeAnne blew her off to attend a fashion show. Rich was there though.

D'Andra confronts Kameron

Poor Kameron, there she was thinking she had done a good deed by having Jimmy warn D’Andra about her reputation being in tatters, but instead D’Andra is pissed. During the party pulls Kam aside to let her know that she’s hurt and was blindsided by that little talk during the cooking lessons. In the only emotion Kameron has ever displayed, she vehemently defends her mother-in-law as being benevolent and insists D’Andra has no right to twist their public service announcement into a negative. Then Kameron storms out! D’Andra is speechless. She was just expressing her feelings, but everything D’Andra does is wrong these days. Duh!

Kameron will NOT have her MIL insulted!

Cary intercepts her Kameron in the parking lot, and a seething Kam calls D’Andra a “crazy bitch” for insulting Jimmy. Inside Dee warns D’Andra that once and for all she needs to get over what people think of her because the only person who’s opinion matters is Dee!

Dang, does Kameron fear her mother-in-law or what?! That was shocking!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]