LeeAnne Locken

Something very strange is in the wine on Real Housewives Of Dallas. I mean other than it turning all of them into pseudo-alcoholics? But what’s with LeeAnne Locken and Kameron Westcott suddenly becoming judge and jury? I mean, Kameron has always behaved that way, but uh… LeeAnne check yourself before a K-Cup gets shoved up your leggings!

It’s baby steps down the aisle for LeeAnne and Rich and that calls for preliminary wedding gown shopping. Since Stephanie Hollman is her new friend of convenience she is invited to help LeeAnne search for a “basic and boring” wedding gown. Stephanie is perturbed to see that D’Andra Simmons isn’t there. LeeAnne claims D’Andra was “too busy” to be a friend and didn’t deem this important enough to disturb her schedule. Yes, but where was her BFF Kameron???

D’Andra claims LeeAnne invited her shopping the night before but she already had meetings scheduled for work. Whereas Stephanie had been given two weeks notice. Stephanie is here because she truly believes LeeAnne has changed – which is Real Housewives foreshadowing if I’ve ever seen it. LeeAnne credits meditation.

Stephanie (who looks absolutely stunning and so much younger in the minimal makeup she’s wearing for this shopping trip) hopes LeeAnne and D’Andra will fix things before they regret missing out on each other’s major life events. Like LeeAnne’s wedding. Stephanie knows what this is like after her temporary break up with Brandi Redmond!

LeeAnne has different plans. “I’m not allowing anything that isn’t light, happy, positive and peaceful near me in a white dress,” she announces. Which means she better only wear her darks while hanging out with D’Andra!

Anyway, LeeAnne’s version of a basic wedding gown looks like what the White Witch from Narnia would wear as a Slutoween costume. Literally icicles on her boobs! But, I mean questionable taste is pretty much the sponsor for this show!

To get everyone pumped about Copenhagen Cary Deuber is delivering baskets of pickled herring to everyone’s door. Cause nothing says get ready for a girls trip like the scent of smelly twat in a jar. Thank you for that very socialite-approved description, Brandi. GAG and so gross. Why aren’t she and LeeAnne closer friends? They’re both so crude and erroneously believe others find it charming.

Stephanie wonders where Copenhagen is

Stephanie receives her basket while getting her hair dyed – the bleach seeping to her brain must explain why she has no idea where Copenhagen even is. Is it a country, a therapeutic approach, or a thing cowboys chew instead of smoking cigarettes?

Poor Cary – that should’ve been the first sign this trip would go bad. Or maybe Stephanie was just preoccupied preparing for her vow renewal to Travis. Now usually when a Real Housewife does a vow renewal I start counting down the days until their divorce papers wind up on TMZ. This is essentially the Bravo version of Fantasy Football. However, I actually do believe Travis and Stephanie were sincere, although I do wish Stephanie would stop acting like she’s so unworthy of all the good in her life. Another reason I believe these two are legit is because they didn’t invite all the Housewives to the ceremony, only Brandi and Cary. You know, Stephanie’s actual friends.

Stephanie & Travis renew their vows

Travis planned everything and even secretly flew in Stephanie’s original maid of honor and the pastor who married them. It was adorable. Until he uttered the words “butt sex” in his re-wedding toast, within earshot of Stephanie’s parents.

Brandi and Bryan couldn’t stay for the ceremony due to previous plans. Stephanie is disappointed but understands since the vow renewal was planned last minute to accommodate her needy neurosis that Travis would run away with a woman who can find Copenhagen on a map while he was studying at Harvard. Brandi did come pre-ceremony to help Stephanie get ready, though.  What a difference from the way LeeAnne handled D’Andra missing her wedding gown shopping. This is because Stephanie and Brandi have a secure friendship.

Cary is deathly ill, but decided the best way to kill the germs is to “Drink through the sickness.” Alcohol kills germs! She’s also planning to drink through the trip to Copenhagen. Uh-Oh… is she an alcoholic?! Nope, just a shit-stirrer bearing bad news in her Birkin. Stephanie is feeling really positive about getting to know LeeAnne and truly doesn’t believe LeeAnne meant to say Brandi and D’Andra have drinking problems. Except LeeAnne actually DID call Brandi an alcoholic and she did it in front of Cary, and this is one tidbit Cary is NOT going to keep quiet about. “I feel stuck in the middle between Brandi and LeeAnne,” sighs Stephanie. And she is. She’s glad to be getting along with everyone for once, but it comes at a price: not defending Brandi when it’s necessary, while also putting blinders on to both Brandi and LeeAnne’s shitty behavior towards each other. Maybe Travis can buy Stephanie some diamond-studded ones. $25,000 sunglasses?

Mama Dee

D’Andra is hard at work taking over Hard Night Good Morning and after 14 long years, Mama Dee has finally delivered the contracts. Now that she’s no longer running a company she’s putting her energies back into running D’Andra’s life. I’m not sure it’s a fair trade-off, but for now, D’Andra is thrilled her mother is interested in being a mother again. Dee is apparently either D’Andra’s enemy or the devil sitting on her shoulder, but nothing in between. This time she and D’Andra meet in her office wearing coordinating ugly blazers to discuss, not work, but Kameron’s anger at D’Andra.

D’Andra has no idea what she did to get Kameron so riled up, but she’s tired of being the focus of Kameron’s (and now Kameron’s mother-in-law’s) warnings and judgments.  Mama Dee knows well how to rule over this fabled social scene, and she lectures D’Andra for not cutting Jimmy off with a suggestion that they discuss her concerns at a more appropriate time and place, like perhaps coffee, or lunch? Or never!  “Tell’em how the cow ate the cabbage,” she warns. Um… did it get diarrhea? Or package it and call it Ultimate Living Green Miracle? #PrettyPoop

Dee thinks D’Andra needs some harder skin, not just harder nights and that she better be prepared to fight mean girl with mean girl. Oh my…

Meanwhile, LeeAnne visits Kameron’s for some rosewater and crap-spewing. I have to assume Kameron drinks rosewater (which is delicious) hoping it will turn her poop pink? And rose-scented? I don’t think Kameron poops though because people made of plastic don’t have intestines. Also, she probably thinks it’s just too icky and makes all the food materialize into spun air, like cotton candy.

Kameron thinks D'Andra is

LeeAnne and Kameron have this weird conversation where they both ask each other the same question over and over, then answer each other’s question with the same question thus validating each other’s feelings. It ends with them both agreeing that D’Andra is psycho and they are afraid for her life because they are good people only want to help her.

Kameron Calls D’Andra Trash, Says She Doesn’t Care If She Wants To Ruin Her Reputation.

Apparently “other Simmons” on the scenes don’t want to be dragged down by, embarrassing behavior. That K Cup is gonna haunt her forever! Why does LeeAnne care so much about D’Andra’s ‘behavior’ and responsibility to the Simmons name? I’m so sure they’re all consulting LeeAnne on this matter! Is she their PR rep? And the only reason Kameron is so concerned is that she sees this as an opportunity to grab onto D’Andra’s crown in the Dallas Social Scene by toppling her – and I’ll bet Jimmy is the one prodding her in the back with a stiletto all along the way.

LeeAnne decides that if D’Andra says anything to them in Copenhagen she will “karate chop her in the throat.” These hands… they are a threat, y; all. Also, what is she, Kam’s bodyguard now? Did Jimmy hire her?

Also maybe it’s just me, but I thought D’Andra was pretty reasonable when she told Kameron that her feelings were hurt. It didn’t seem like an attack as Kameron is purporting it to be. D’Andra could’ve chosen a better time and place (a private meeting with just the two of them). Kameron is actually the one who came at D’Andra, dragging her thirsty domineering mother-in-law into it, and she is also the one who snapped and started puffing hot pink air when D’Andra tried to have a conversation about it. What is this newfound alliance Kameron and LeeAnne have? It’s very, very strange.

LeeAnne is also upset that many months ago when D’Andra was still her friend, she planned a Hard Night Good Morning Pop-Up shop at her friend Jack Retro’s store. Of course, it comes out that he is also friends with D’Andra, but LeeAnne is making it seem as this connection wouldn’t have existed without her brokering it.

To celebrate the Hard Night Good Morning concept it’s a PJ party and I LOVE all the 1960’s looks. Dee wore leopard print which is clearly sending a message and she spent the party pouncing! LeeAnne and D’Andra barely speak and then LeeAnne openly questions the products. Which probably did not do much to endear her to DeeKameron did not attend for fear that someone might think she is a stripper for going out in public wearing attractive pajamas. Or that Mama Dee might confuse her for a chicken tender, dip her in ketchup and eat her, like domesticated leopards do!

After her pep talk from Mama Dee, D’Andra is fired up for battle and plans to green miracle colonic Kameron and LeeAnne right out of her life. Something about taking over the company has turned D’andra turned into Dee. Which is scary.

Cary & Brandi

Cary once again finds herself in the middle of everyone’s complaints about each other. D’Andra plans to confront Kameron and LeeAnne in Copenhagen, meanwhile, LeeAnne doesn’t even want to go and decides to “drink through the trip.” Cary just wants everyone to remember that this trip is supposed to be about her. Silly Wabbit! Actually, the silly rabbit is Brandi who wore a furry onesie (with tail).

Dee, stalking her prey, sidled up to LeeAnne to warn her that she has also been saying hurtful things about D’Andra and Dee will not have someone going around town accusing her daughter of being an alcoholic. It’s becoming clear that this is truly a war between Dee and Jimmy, using their daughters and daughters-in-law as collateral damage, so Dee decided Brandi will protect D’Andra in Copenhagen, just like LeeAnne will protect Kameron.

Mama Dee & D'Andra

Mama Dee adds further fuel to the fire by telling Brandi how LeeAnne confided in her that Brandi is a bad influence with a drinking problem. Brandi stops mid-sip of her cocktail and realizes the ramifications these serious allegations could have on finalizing her adoption. Well, I’m sure they’ve seen Brandi in action during past seasons of RHOD, so she’s probably fine, but LeeAnne shouldn’t be accusing anyone of drinking too much and misbehaving considering her OWN behaviors! Meditation must not cure hypocrisy.

Even worse Cary confirms that LeeAnne called Brandi an alcoholic, and Kameron was right there agreeing with her every word. Kameron is really disappointing me.

LeeAnne flies coach to Copenhagen

The next day everyone meets at the airport. I always thought Bravo splashed out for First Class tickets, but apparently not because Cary, Brandi, Stephanie, and Kameron paid $1,200 to upgrade themselves! LeeAnne, on a budget, decided to sit in coach, and D’Andra, who only has $200, also couldn’t afford it.

Something tells me Dee would’ve gladly paid if it meant D’Andra could sit up in first-class shooting daggers at Kameron to make her uncomfortable for 8 hours and likewise to ensure LeeAnne knew her place in the back of the plane with at the rest of the ‘little people.’ Unfortunately, D’Andra is trying to come across as a grown-up businesswoman and also wanted to avoid said close confines with Kameron. I guess that hard skin hasn’t taken over yet – maybe after 8+ hours in coach!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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