Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Recap: Lindsay Steps In

Last night’s episode of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club with Lindsay Lohan wearing a weird vest attached to a machine, and I guess receiving electrical pulses.

Maybe it’s foreshadowing that this episode will be electrifying!  Or just Lindsay wanting some more air time. Only one way to find out.  Let us dive into the Lohan brand to see what our hard-working VIP hosts are up to this time.

We begin the day with Panos Spentzos assessing his VIP hosts.  Jonitta Wallace and Alex Moffitt have been pleasing him the most. Brent Marks is a great worker, but has a horrible attitude. While Panos considers Jules Wilson and May Yassine the weakest links, I have to agree with him since sometimes I forget they even work there.

Big Shaq is the VIP client for the day and is yet another “very good friend” of Panos and Lindsay’s. AKA he makes them money.

Billy Estevez is in charge of the cabana for  Big Shaq, his manager, friends, etc.  I wonder if there will be any little dogs in tow?

Lindsay treats her friends like they are royalty,” Panos states in his interview.  Friends aka clients aka people she’s trying to kiss up to in order to remain relevant… isn’t it all just the same thing?

Suddenly, Panos announces that they need a signature drink because it’s very important for Lindsay to have a signature drink which, if it does well, he can sell sell sell!

Billy shows off his drink shaking skills and creates a drink that the other VIP hosts approve of except for Gabi Andrews, “It’s just thick right now. If we add more prosecco to it, I think it’ll be better,” she interjects.

“Who made this?” Panos demands upon sipping the drink Billy created. “I made this one, this one’s better,” Gabi, it’s all about me,  jumps in to hand Panos HER drink.

Panos chooses the drink Billy made.  Yes for Billy!  Now go sit in the corner Gabi and think of other ways to be the most annoying one in this group.   Jonitta is already losing patience since Gabi always cuts her off and interjects herself into everyone’s conversation.

Lindsay shows up to visit with her customer friend, Big Shaq, who is the first musical guest at the Lohan Beach Club. Did you know that Mykonos is about bringing people together through music?  Well, it is and that is why the VIP hosts need to step their game up because you know…Lohan brand and all that.

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“The second we walk out on that beach we are all equal people,” Lindsay sagely says in her interview, “No matter how much money we have, or where we’re from. Everybody needs to be treated the same.”  So then I guess anyone can use your cabanas, right? Not just the ones who can afford thousand dollar bottles of liquor?

Meanwhile, we learn from Alex that he made a promise to his boyfriend to not cheat. “The agreement was for me to not hook up with anyone else,” he explains in his interview when questioned by one of the producers.  Well, he promised so I can’t imagine anything going wrong with that. <cough>

Eight days into their job, it’s decided that the VIP hosts have worked so hard they deserve some time off.  Seriously, if you are not in charge of a cabana what exactly are you doing? Where was Aristotle Polites? Frolicking in the water?

 Jonitta’s patience with Gabi is quickly wearing thin. I have a feeling things might come to a head by the end of this episode. Spoiler alert…do they ever.  And no pun intended either.

“Me and Jules have a very open flirt-mationship going,” Mike Mulderrig explains to Alex in the kitchen the morning of their day off. He also refers to her as his back up. Oh, why do men boys do this? Cut to Jules talking about how much she likes Mike and enjoys hanging out with him.  I wonder if she would agree with his assessment of their “flirt-mationship?” A word  I already hate.

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Alex and Mike both talk about how they want sex, but not with each other…I think I see where this may be going.  Sorry, Jules.

The group decides to head out to a club and get their drink on.  They are such hard workers, they need this break! <side eye>

Jonitta invited a guy she had met at the beach club to meet them but guess what happens when they arrive? Gabi, the interloper, runs up to him and gives him a kiss.  Then, May decides to say hi to Jonitta’s “date” as well by giving him a kiss.  I guess Jonitta just wanted them to be rude and ignore the guy.  Relax, Jonitta.  They didn’t drag him off to a room somewhere and make out with him. Although Gabi should have considering how big a deal Jonitta makes of this later on.


Everyone is dancing and Alex and Mike, who are in no way interested in each other, decide to share a kiss on the dance floor.  Uh oh.

Back at the house, Jonitta airs her grievances with Gabi and May for kissing her random dude she just met man. But mostly with Gabi because this kiss was the straw that broke Jonitta’s back and she can’t take it any longer.

“We’re in Europe,” Gabi points out when Jonitta complains about the kiss. I think she has a point.  She was trying to be polite and say hi. European style.

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Jonitta is too busy overreacting to listen to anything Gabi has to say including the fact she was not interested in the guy, but Jonitta won’t hear any of it.  A poor defenseless chair gets knocked to the ground as Jonitta invites Gabi to join her so she can explain why she’s so unreasonable mad.

“I don’t know who’s wrong or right but I know that some shit is about to go down,” Sarah Tariq wisely observes.  And boy does it ever.

Gabi unwisely decides to poke the bear by patting Jonitta’s leg as she walks away. Jonitta tells her to never touch her again.  Gabi, being the mature individual that she is,  touches Jonitta’s leg again.  This entire exchange of mature adults results in Jonitta lashing out and hitting Gabi in the face. Security runs in while the rest of the house just stands there and stares.

I think Gabi is genuinely clueless to the things she does, and I think Jonitta was itching for a fight with Gabi for awhile. This gave her the opportunity she was looking for, and I never thought I’d say this, but I’m in Gabi’s corner on this one.

“I know Jonitta is not fake,” Mike explains in his interview, “I think she’s literally just crazy.”  She certainly acted like it on this occasion.

 Jonitta holds court with Sarah, Billy, Brent and Jules and rants about all the things Gabi has done to annoy her while the others laugh.

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Gabi heads outside where, sadly, no one goes to see how she is doing. After sitting next to the gate in the dark she decides to leave the house for the night to ponder the direction her life is taking her.

The next morning Alex and Mike sit down to discuss the previous night’s kiss.

“After making the mistake of kissing Mike I am worried and frustrated at the same time,” Alex explains in his interview. Do we tell the boyfriend? Do we not tell the boyfriend?  But you PROMISED him nothing would happen on a beautiful island with an ex and liquor.

“I feel bad,” Mike says in his own interview, “I mean, we know that we’re just friends, we’re sexually frustrated and your drunk and you just want to kiss somebody.” Unfortunately for Alex, he was the only one there for Mike to kiss.  I guess Jules was nowhere to be found.

Cut to Panos watching the fight from the previous night on his phone. Do you think he is worried about Gabi?  Nope. “If they get upset about someone or something are they gonna punch my guests?” he frets. He sees those dollar signs running away in fear.

Panos sits down to meet with Gabi back at the beach club.  She explains to him what happened and admits to provoking Jonitta.

“They need realize this is the worst case scenario that they’ve put themselves into,” Panos says in his interview because drunk fighting could hurt the Lohan brand. My eyes are actually hurting from all the side eyes I’ve been giving.

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Back at the house, Panos arrives and gathers all the children into the living room because daddy is mad. This group needs to be scowled at in the most fabulous way.

“Rule number one, or unwritten rule is, you never put your hands on someone,” Brent, the voice of reason, explains in his interview.  I’m not even going to try the side eye.  I need a moment to rest them. “I think that if Jonitta goes home, Gabi should go home too,” he continues.

Jonitta tried to explain what happened before Panos cuts her off.  “Are you kidding me? Who do you think you are?” he snaps.

Pouting like a child, Jonitta just sits there and sulks. “You still think you’re right,” Panos points out, “It’s in your face.  You’re not sorry at all.”  Even Jonitta’s, Sorry Not Sorry, shirt speaks volumes.  She really did wear that shirt, people.

Panos storms out to call Lindsay to express his “fury.”Brent is surprised Jonitta didn’t act more humble in front of Panos. “She should have been like ‘Yo, Panos, you’re right,” and talked about what an amazing opportunity this was, and “self-improvement.” I can’t with him right now.

Unfortunately, we won’t find out Jonitta’s fate this episode. It will be interesting to see if Panos and Lindsay even do anything about this because so far they are a lot of bark with very little bite.

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[Photo Credits: MTV]