You know it’s a good Love After Lockup episode when the one proposal that happened between an ex-felon and her
victim boyfriend isn’t even the main storyline. Sure – this week, we saw Scott propose to Lizzie. But, in more important news: Michael and Megan finally meet up! And their first sexual encounter is just as crazy/gross/disturbing as we could have imagined. Speaking of crazy, Tracie is still on the loose with Clint’s money, rental car, and phone, y’all! Despite the recent Motherf**king CRACK, Mom! moment that stands between Clint and his “goddess,” our boy still holds out hope that she will return to him with minimal new STDs.
Before we dive back into Clint and Tracie’s dumpster fire, let’s catch up with Scott and Lizzie, who take us on a farm fresh field trip this week. Scott is hoping that Lizzie will agree to marry him, so he plans an extra-special proposal in the countryside, complete with a fresh pink shirt, slicked back hair, and both teeth scrubbed. #FairyTale
Scott & Lizzie
But Lizzie isn’t sure about her commitment level to Scott yet. Sure – he’s good in a pinch when you need $90K, but damn! Marriage?!? This chick has no plans of wedding and bedding poor Scott. Nor does her daughter, Jazmyn, approve of Scott being involved in their lives. Jasmyn mistakenly believes Scott – rather than her grifting, lying, manipulating mother – is the problem here.
Scott knows time is running out to lock Lizzie down, especially since his bank account is at zero. So he kneels down on his one good knee, holds out the ring he bought before he went broke, squints up at Lizzie like a brokedown pirate, and pops the question. Lizzie’s response? “Ummm, WHAT?” She’s definitely not feeling, as our friend Michael would say, especially romantical at this particular moment.
Lizzie’s all, I just got out of prison! Don’t rush me! to Scott, but he just pushes the ring up toward her again, hoping to distract her with shiny objects and vows to love her forever. Finally, Lizzie sort of shrugs her shoulders and says “okay, yes…I guess?” She wants that diamond on her finger, if only to pawn three weeks from now when she finds a Plan B. Also, Lizzie claims she’s been proposed to FOURTEEN TIMES before (wtf?!), so it’s probably time she finally said yes to one. Errrrrkay.
Scott breathes a sigh of relief, imagining that this seals the deal – even though he has YET to tell Lizzie about how broke he is. Her deep love for him will overcome all odds, right? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Well, maybe this sad sack will at least get a key to Lizzie’s hotel room this century. I mean, seriously you guys, he definitely deserves a sympathy lay for $90K. Damn.
Brittany & Marcelino
Once again, we venture into the dark territory of creepy Marcelino’s odd stranglehold over the only cast member worth rooting for: Brittany. You guys, how can we save this chick? For real – she deserves a non-psycho! And someone who won’t take her food away as punishment for being “disrespectful. *shudders*
It’s been two long years since Brittany has seen her son, Giovanni, so she plans a trip to her ex-boyfriend’s house for the sweetest mother and child reunion we’ve possibly ever seen on this show. Seriously – Giovanni could not be cuter. Brittany’s entire body lit up with joy when he rushed into her arms again. Awwwwwww!
However, the beauty and bittersweet depth of this moment was, of course, destroyed by Marcelino being A TOTAL JACKASS. Brittany’s ex, Tito, used to be a meth distributor (!!!) and looks like he could snap Marcelino’s neck with one hand while driving a car with the other. Essentially, Tito is a man not to be messed with. However, we are delighted to also learn that Tito – who’s allegedly left his crooked ways behind – is also a great father, a successful adult with a beautiful home, and a mature man.
And this is exactly why Marcelino hates him. After spouting a slew of passive aggressive jabs about “stepparents” and wanting to “do right by my woman,” Marcelino is finally taken to Tito School. YASSS! Tito tells him in no uncertain terms that Giovanni is the child, and HE is the only priority for all of them. Tito’s new wife (girlfriend?) doesn’t replace Brittany, but she can offer love and stability to Giovanni in her role as a stepparent. So can Marcelino – that is, if he chooses to actually grow the eff up and quit acting like a goddamned jealous serial killer.
Marcelino just sulks in the corner, knowing Tito is the bigger man here – in every sense of the word.
Back home, Brittany decides to try on wedding gowns with her besties, Amanda and Sascha, at a local bridal boutique. The boutique sales clerks are everything we need in reality TV extras – getting all up in Brittany and Amanda’s relationship. They even convinced Amanda to try on a wedding gown for Brittany to show her “what she’s missing.”
As they awkwardly stand side by side in their gowns, Brittany admits she’s still attracted to Amanda and that she does love her. But she’s dead set on marrying “Marasheeno – or whatever his name is” (according to Amanda). So, this little stunt is ultimately all for naught. Well, sales chicks, you tried! We thank you for your service.
Caitlin & Matt
Feeling restless in his life of doing literally nothing 24/7, Matt heads out for a boys’ night. He deserves it! He’s been wacking weeds and tipping his fiance over in wheelbarrows like a boss lately. Because Matt’s friends are only slightly less deranged than he is, they decide that taking him to a bar and letting their meth-addict friend binge drink is a solid plan. As they play pool, at least Matt’s friends question his lazy ass about employment, even if they do stupidly razz him for being “tied down” to Caitlin back home.
But Matt has no intentions of looking for a job. He’s spent the last six years in prison, so he needs to “take it easy.” His father owned an HVAC company, but Matt whines, “HVAC just isn’t my thing.” Riiiiiiiight. His thing is more along the lines of sitting in the backyard and spittin’ tabaccee through his tooth-hole.
“Cheers to FREENESS!” Matt idiotically shouts as he clinks shot glasses with Friend One and Friend Two, encapsulating everything we need to know about his potential for future success in one brief phrase.
Meanwhile, Caitlin is at Mother Matt’s house, waking up the next morning to a filthy kitchen and an enraged almost-mother-in-law. Matt’s mom says her son came home in the wee hours of the morning, stupid-drunk and leaving a huge mess of takeout containers in the kitchen. Caitlin giggles at Matt’s “bad boy” shenanigans until Mom snaps, “You think it’s funny? Then, YOU can clean it up!”
She is not having this trifling pair of dipsh*ts in her home one minute longer if they think they can just use her for food, shelter, and laundry while disrespecting her hospitality. Caitlin tries to defend herself when Mom says that she needs to get her boyfriend in line. “I’m his fiance,” quips Caitlin. “Well, whatever you are, you need to fix this!” Mom chides.
Okay, number one: I AM HERE for Mother Matt spitting the truth all over this kitchen right now. She knows exactly where her child is headed (bar–>meth lab–>prison), and she’s seen this cycle time and again. But, number two: She’s dead wrong to think Caitlin can “fix” her son. Caitlin can’t fix Matt. The U.S. prison system can’t fix Matt. Only Matt can f**king fix Matt!
Of course, we all know that ain’t gonna happen. Staying out of prison “just isn’t his thing.”
Tracie & Clint
We meet Clint back in his hotel room, where he’s still bawling his head off and using the camera crew’s phone to desperately call Tracie. She can’t be reached at the moment, however, DUE TO BEING A CRACK ADDICT. Jayzus, Clint! He’s convinced his true love will find her way back to him
from the alley where she’s currently turning tricks because she left her wedding ring behind. Um, whaaaaa? Okay. This, my friends, is called “Clint Logic” and we’re about to get a whole lot more of it, so please strap in and grab a helmet.
As Clint makes his way to the airport, he tearfully calls Tracie one more time. “My goddess! This is your husband! Call me back!” he cries into his own voicemail on his stolen phone. Then the unthinkable happens: CLINT GETS ON A FLIGHT ALL BY HIMSELF AND SUCCESSFULLY MAKES HIS WAY HOME. Although this could be the most shocking moment we’ve witnessed (right up there with Clint “reading” his wedding vows), Clint’s parents aren’t shocked by anything their son does. They made this Clint; now they have to deal with it.
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As Clint’s father hugs his forlorn son at the airport, we notice that Clint…um, might not know how to hug? (What is going on right now, you guys?!) Clint’s fists are balled up in his sweater as he Lego-man leans forward into Papa Clint’s arms. Anyway, there’s not much to say now except “I told you so,” which Clint’s dad mercifully refrains from saying. But, yo – the Family Clint might want to put those child restrictions back on the internet to ensure this sort of horse sh*t doesn’t happen again under their roof.
As for Clint, he’s still in deep denial. “I’ll wait for her until the ends of the earth!” he vows. Or until his mom’s credit card is maxxed out.
Megan & Michael & Sarah
As if we haven’t seen enough soft core prison porn on this show, this week we’re treated to Michael and Megan starring in The Virgin And The D**k. Megan’s in Niagara Falls waiting on her man, who she “can’t wait to get the D from!” Michael shows up with flowers, congratulating himself on carrying out his PACIFIC plan of starting a fight with Sarah, then taking off to meet up with his Queen.
“I wanted my first sexual experience out of prison to be with my fiance, but unfortunately it didn’t work out that way because I was with my wife,” says an unrepentant Michael. (And if this quote alone doesn’t tell you what SOLID GOLD trash TV Love After Lockup is serving up this season, then I don’t know what else to tell you.)
As Michael enters Megan’s room, he lights up. He’s ready to de-virginize his Queen, explaining his intentions to an already traumatized camera crew: “I’m gonna tear that ass up. I’m gonna make her gush.” <dry heave>
Okay, have we recovered from that? Not really, but let’s move on. Megan giggles with delight as Michael paws at her, thrilled to finally put all of those Skype sex lessons to work. But as this scene plays out, we flash back to Sarah, who’s telling her friend at this very minute that she might be pregnant again. WHAAAAAAAAAT!
Sarah’s friend can’t believe what she’s hearing. We can’t believe what we’re seeing. And, basically, we are all just left sitting here, stunned, until next week, when we pick back up with a deflowered Megan, a smug Michael, and a possibly-pregnant Sarah – who look like they finally all meet up. Holy tooth-hole, Batman. Get prison noodles ready and your DVRs set. I’ll meet you back here to gawk at this crap heap of terrible decisions next Friday night!
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Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US – IS SARAH REALLY PREGNANT? WILL WE EVER SEE TRACIE AGAIN? CAN CAITLIN “CONTROL” MATT? WILL LIZZIE MARRY SCOTT? SHOULD BRITTANY RUN OFF WITH AMANDA?
[Photo Credit: WEtv ]