Last night was the premiere of Real Housewives Of Orange County Season 14, aka a year without Vicki Gunvalson; a year of living OG-less. We know Vicki will show up eventually, but it’s almost like a mirage that we got through an entire episode with nary a “Whoop It Up!” or a “Woo Hoo!” I sort of have the vapors and need to lie down … in a blissful sleep of fulfilled dreams.
I’ve been saying for years that Real Housewives Of Orange County needs to do a casting shake-up, and break the stranglehold of Vicki and Tamra Judge, whose dysfunctional frienemyship has dominated in a really detrimental way. Personally, I think Tamra would’ve been the one to fire since she is always playing producer and a large part of her antics are purely ‘for the show.’ Vicki is too clueless and lacking in self-awareness to self-produce, which makes for more authentic everything. I mean, this is a woman who gave us Brooks Ayers faking cancer on national television whereas Tamra has given us… facelifts and Ryan Vieth? Maybe next season they should rotate in Vicki full-time, but drop Tamra? Gotta test all the variables of your experiment, right?!
For now, see you on the flip side, Vicks!
So back to last night. The best part was Shannon Beador‘s revenge. Oh, I’m sorry Shannon STORMS Beador. Did she legally change her name to this?
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Shannon has lost 40lbs, but gained a ton of fun. Fun Fact: Tons Of Fun is my dads favorite ice cream treat and it features 40 scoops of ice cream, but I don’t think Shannon and Vince have anything else in common. After 3 seasons of sobbing, angry, depressed, dumpy Shannon whining about weight and David, I am so excited for Shannon Got Her Groove Back. I am here for “Babe” (not a babe), I am here for Kelly Dodd being Shannon’s impresario in casual dating and more scandalously: casual sex. OK, considering that this is Shannon here, it’s more like casual 8th-style grade making out, but THIS IS ALL PROGRESS. And it is all glorious! Go Shannon, swap that saliva – just don’t get mono cause it can’t be treated homeopathically!
After 3 months of dating Kelly is now in love with Dr. Brian Regan. I don’t know, guys… he’s kinda giving me ‘off’ vibes. They met while Kelly was getting her “boobies done” – always an auspicious and classy start to any romance! Like I could see this going Lifetime Movie.
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You know what I mean… Kelly deems Dr. Reagan “the one” and boasts that he’s supremely intelligent, sophisticated, responsible — all things I totally associate with Kelly! Michael Dodd is jealous of Kelly’s new romance, he’s also angry that Kelly has introduced Jolie to Dr. Reagan. Maybe Michael is right to be concerned about things moving too fast?
Also – I do have to wonder why Kelly is driving a G Wagon the color of dehydrated pee. Or as Tamra called it “diarrhea.” If Dr. Reagan bought her that then I’m even more suspicious. Was it on sale?
Kelly and Shannon meet for a girls night out and the plan is to get tequila drunk. Somewhere Vicki G is shoving pins into her Kelly Dodd VooDoo doll which is just a pair of inflatable boobs that shriek “FUCK YOU” when squeezed.
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Shannon is dating all these guys, but she’s particularly drawn to a guy named Ken whom she refers to as “Babe.” He shows up so Kelly can give him the once-over, and once-over she gives! As if appraising Babe at auction Kelly literally feels him up, tugs his hair to see if it’s real, rips open his shirt to check his manscaping, and then wonders if he keeps it tight and right below the belt too. Babe passes the Kelly test… which is a test one should hope to fail.
Kelly has a surprise of her own though! Her friend Braunwyn Windham-Burke will be joining them for drinks. It was clear that Kelly expected Shannon to react badly (re: drunken theatrics) to the introduction of a new girl because historically Shannon is possessive, jealous, and insecure around women she doesn’t know.
But this is a new year; new Shannon and she wholeheartedly discusses sagging nursing boobies with Braunwyn, then they do a drunken dance together. In case you’re wondering Babe has never seen the Stormaries sans bra, and these are also unedited boobs who nursed babies. That’s a first in OC and Braunwyn isn’t even sure what to think.
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We’ll discuss Braunwyn later, but for now, what you need to know is that her mom is a 64-year-old homeopathic doctor who still goes to Burning Man in a bikini. Also, Braunwyn has 7 kids and has been nursing for 19 years, yet looks like she’s never given birth at all. Basically, Braunwyn’s genes are as incomprehensible as her name, and made of magic found in the land of Lisa Frank unicorns and Care Bare Stares you into flawless. Kelly also decides Shannon needs a boob lift because men want to motorboat watermelons, not pancakes. Um, motorboating? Really, Kell? She’s so old-school tacky.
While Shannon is acting like a sorority girl gone wild, Tamra has moved to Coto, is now neighbors with Vicki, and has joined a country club. More like a cunty club – or quite possibly just a fancy YMCA, because this Tamra, and she can move into the nicest neighborhood and hang up one of those festive flags proclaiming “We’re rich,” but she’s still a Beverly Hillbilly, and mother of Ryan. You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t biologically disconnect her from her supremely trashy son.
The new fake family drama is that Ryan isn’t speaking to Spencer over Trump. Ryan is, according to Tamra, “a fanatical Trump supporter” who loves Fox News, whereas Spencer is the opposite. Spencer accused Ryan of being racist because he supports the wall. Tamra wants Ryan to reach out to Spencer since he’s the older (presumably wiser) brother, but Ryan refuses because Spencer should feel the consequences of disrespecting his elder. I have nothing to say about this except “Typical.” And I’ll always be disgusted by Ryan no matter what he does.
In a dramatically different family dynamic let’s have Breakfast with Braunwyn’s family! SEVEN kids, aged 18 – 1, and I’ll never be able to remember a single one of their names except the one that made me think of Barbacoa like they just ran out of ideas and Braunwyn went into labor at Chipotle.
It was a surprisingly mellow morning scene and Braunwyn’s husband made dilapidated looking pancakes – which I’m sure Kelly sent a screenshot of to Shannon with the caption, “No one wants to motorboat these!”
Braunwyn is married to Ryan, who buys and sells IT Companies. They met in college. On their first date Braunwyn told Ryan she wanted 5 kids and never wanted to work – clearly, she’s an overachiever. I just hope we don’t have to see any vaginal rejuvenation scenes.
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Braunwyn recently moved back to the OC from Miami so their kids could attend some high school here, which is bizarre. Braunwyn’s pre-Ryan life is just as bizarre: she was born in a trailer park, then her mom fell in love with a surfer so they moved to California, where it turns out she had a rich grandfather! Braunwyn’s life seems all too perfect and I’m waiting for the bankrupt other shoe to drop. Yes, I am a Bravo-induced cynic!
Kelly needs a cat. Except Kelly hates pussy. Still, Kelly has a rat problem, which is apparently the norm in Newport. So Kelly decides a “pharaoh” cat is just the thing to fix her problem. No, Kelly does not want to bring a mummified cat back from the dead, or to set up a statue of an Egyptian cat on her back porch, she means “Feral” cat, as in a cat who lives outside and detests humans. Oh, Kelly…
To make her dreams of outdoor cat ownership a reality Kelly visits Catmosphere Laguna, where a woman (who I swear was the real I Dream Of Jeanie) answers the phone with “MEEEEEOOOOOW.” To actually look at the cats in the cat salon one must wear a headband with ears. Catmosphere Laguna is like the Vanderpump Dog version of cats. Except the only cats Kelly gets into are cat fights.
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This is not the place to get a feral cat, but it is the place to get a pharaoh cat – perfectly groomed and majestic, and probably speaking three-languages (including Arabic) and expecting to be fed Tuna tartare with a side of beef jus. I actually want to be one of these cats.
What Kelly needs is an exterminator, not a cat. Especially because according to the Wikipedia cats don’t even kill rats. Only mice! Although a ferrel cat might be perfect for Kelly because it wouldn’t let her touch it! MEEEEEOOOOOW.
Anyhoodle, Bastet, the ancient Egyptian goddess of pussies, put Kelly on a “I’ll Scratch Your Eyes Out” list. I think Heather Dubrow also has Kelly on that same registry.
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Afterward, Kelly visits Dr. Reagan for a surprise. I was so weirded out by this scene. He invited Kelly to his office for a special gift, then whipped out a Hallmark Card. A Hallmark Card gives me uncomfortable flashbacks to Brooks who so would’ve pretended to be a plastic surgeon, so now I’m doubting Dr. Reagan is even a doctor.
For one horrific moment, Kelly thinks Dr. Reagan is going to propose in this dopy little cubicle office and she’ll be forced to say no while he’s kneeling on Berber carpet. Which is stain resistant! Instead, he whips out rose gold diamond earrings. Why on earth would this be a gift you had to deliver so desperately Kelly had to receive it at his office, instead of on a date night? Oh, so he could write-it them off – that’s why!
A little while later, Shannon and Tamra show up. Shannon got a FaceTite procedure from Dr. Reagan and it does look amazing, now she’s back for a checkup. That’s when Tamra drops the news that she’s having a housewarming party and wants to invite her new neighbor, Vicki – if Kelly doesn’t mind. Kelly is still not speaking to Vicki after the cocaine accusations at last years reunion. Kelly claims because of that a lot of Jolie’s friends can no longer come over to their house. That’s the only reason…
Kelly is fine with Vicki being at the party, but plans to totally avoid her, or get drunk and cause a MEEEEEEOOWWW. Tamra’s plan, however, is that just like she and Shannon forgave Vicki for those terrible life-ruining rumors, Kelly can too if they’re able to come face-to-face at a mutual friend’s party where there is tons and tons of alcohol, and probably the only food will be carrot slices and plain chicken breast.
In fact, this ambivalent text response was our only sighting of Vicki last night. She was a sheer and total afterthought. Yikes. Who’d she piss off at Bravo?
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OK, there is nothing sadder than getting a DUI after leaving a LulaRoe party. It’s also entirely unsurprising that one would need to drink given how horrific those events are, but Gina: UBER. LYFT! Postmates A magic carpet! Just don’t drive tipsy and also let your friend ride-along with a roadie in the passenger seat!
After Gina suggested that Shannon drinks herself to sleep and self-medicates with vodka (which Kelly and Vicki agreed with), David took Shannon to court seeking restrictions on what she can do while the girls are in her custody. Apparently, nothing came of it, but Shannon is rightfully irritated. Ironic, huh, given Gina’s current predicament.
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In other Gina news, she’s vacated the casita (thank you goddess of cats I don’t have to hear that word ever again) and is in a new townhouse away from Matt. He is supportive after the DUI. Gina’s eye makup has not improved. Meanwhile, Shane is studying for the Bar Exam again and continues to be a shitty dismissive husband who has now permanently trapped Emily permanently in the house with three kids and a Costco-sized flat of potato chips while he
plays video games at his parents house ‘studies.’ Emily and Gina are still friends.
OK, I’m excited Real Housewives Of Orange County is back. And I’m super excited that saucy Shannon has returneth to us. WOO HOO!
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BRAUNWYN? ARE YOU LIKING THE NEW SHANNON STORMS?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]