Last night on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the power of an email haunts Kyle’s infamous White Party. Aaaahhh… The white party. The party of parties of parties. Known throughout the BH as the fete of the year. It’s dashing, it’s whimsical — it’s a slew of wealthy ladies in sequined bed sheets berating each other! Just another Beverly Hills evening, nothing to see here folks!
Things start out with Adrienne breezing into Paul’s office to regale him with the story of litigious emails. Apparently after Camille outed Taylor’s claims to the world, Taylor raced back home and told Russell that Camille has been spilling lies and Russell dashed off his version of a pleasant email to Camille and threatened to sue her for “false and slanderous remarks that could damage his business.”
Adrienne sums it up thusly: “Friends don’t sue friends. Or threaten to sue friends.” Perhaps this is how you figure out who your real friends are in the ol’ BH. If you don’t get slapped with a lawsuit or a sis and desis you’re besties!
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Adrienne and Paul are appalled – are they next in Russell Armstrong’s Email Lawsuit club? First Lisa, then Camille. Adrienne immediately votes to avoid the impending White Party, but Paul thinks Russell and Taylor should be the ones staying home! Adrienne laments that keeping up with Taylor and her lies is emotionally straining. And beyond The White Party, what of Hawaii!? How will they vacation with the threat of a lawsuit over their heads? Things that to not go together: white sandy beaches and slander claims!
Taking a quick break from emails and lawsuits, Lisa and Pandora are interviewing a band for the wedding. Kevin wants a 20-piece band, Lisa doesn’t. In the end, Kevin gets what Kevin wants (shii-shii!) and Lisa is left wiping away her tears on her miniature Pomeranian’s paw. Pomeranians: The Beverly Hills version of a tissue. I hate to see what the Vanderfabulous’ substitute for TP! BTW: Who noticed Lis’ naked man painting? Who’s placing bets on the nude model being Cedy-poo?
Kyle is planning THE annual White Party. Oh the White Party. Anyways, Kyle’s freaking out ’cause nothing is done — I mean the Fat Burger Booth isn’t even erected yet. Kyle is freaking out because Kim is bringing Ken, whom she doesn’t like. And since Kyle is really bad at hiding her feelings (she said it!), she’s predicting some strange dynamics at this party!
After Kyle and her hairdresser joke about leaving high school behind (oh, irony!), Kyle gets a call from Adrienne informing her of Russell’s email antics. Camille doesn’t want to come and frankly neither does Adrienne, because it’s just too weird and she is wondering who is going to be sued next! Is this like a chain letter… Send this lawsuit threat to five other friends and you won’t get sued next! Adrienne eventually promises to come, but she is planning to leave if things get weird.
Speaking of promises, Kim’s daughter notices her promise/engagement ring during lunch. Kim is all coy, like, ‘no- it’s a promise ring, I promise! Haha!’ And her daughters are like, ‘what are you, 12?’ Kim switches into mom mode and informs them there will be no funny business at this White Party! They better like Ken or give it to God instead of sharing.
…And The White Party has arrived. Oh, it’s so white 0- it’s like Santa’s wonderland. Just white as far as the eye can see. Bland as vanilla – until the guests arrive!! Brandi arrives first and clearly is braless. Girl – invest. Can we start pooling money for a Victoria’s Secret gift card for Le Braless One? Kyle sourly informs us Brandi was invited before she threw Taylor out of her wine party and Kyle felt rude rescinding the invite.
Next comes Camille with her Siamese Twin D.D. I need Camille’s coat. Camille does not want to discuss the email, nor does she want to associate with Russell or Taylor. As she compliments Kyle’s chandelier, Kyle jokes that she doesn’t want it to fall on anyone and old side-eyed Camille is back, musing that maybe you do… Oh, I must say: I have always loved Camille. She’s outrageous and sneaky and witty.
When Lisa arrives Kyle whisks her away for a heated discussion about the Taylor-problem. Lisa is appalled, but is defending Taylor, claiming she likely doesn’t know about the email. Yeah to the right. Kyle keeps commenting that Camille was just repeating what Taylor told her – Kyle, like the other ladies, is clearly trying to cover her own a$$. Lisa suggests that Kyle continue calling Taylor, who is not answering and not responding to texts. This reeks of a set-up to me…
Lisa thinks it is wrong to turn Taylortastrophe away at the door, but Kyle doesn’t know how to approach the situation. Adrienne interjects to remind people of the matter at hand: Taylor is dangerous and no one should be associating with her. She exchanges a crisp hello with Lisa and no one seems too worked up about casino-gate. Another Bravo manufactured storyline? Lisa, again, insists Taylor is in the dark about the email, just as she was over the one that Russell sent to her. Adrienne immediately shoots down that theory and tersely snaps, “She knows.” Dang, I love Adrienne – tinsel hair and all.
Meanwhile, Kim Richards lives in a fantasy world where people still care about her insane bathroom situation at Game Night. Kim – hellloooo? Kim is excited to be introducing Ken to the girls. I’m merely thrilled to see more interview shots of Kim in her awesome Laverne and Shirley blouse. I’m going to put money on that relic being dragged out of Kathy Hilton’s bargain basement consignment shop. To greet Lisa, Kim immediately starts coughing in her face, like: ‘I’m sick, want some?’ Lisa is ready to whip out the mace. Which Kim would probably mistake for breath spray.
PamDana shows up, stuffed in a too tight dress with some killah Bowie hair. #notcute. Surprisingly we didn’t get a litany about how much anything cost. The editors must have cut that scene. Dana instead shows off a photo of Brandi and her playing around in The White Party photobooth. Kim starts jabbing the picture with her acrylic nail and ranting about Brandi messing with “big dogs” and how much she doesn’t care about her. Actions speak louder than words, Kimmiekins! Kim is grossed out by Brandi and vows never, ever, ever, ever to make up with her and threatens to break her other leg. ‘Cause she doesn’t care. Nope, not in the least!
Kyle pulls Kim aside to redirect her and threaten her with time out; suggesting that she get along with The Braless Slut Pig. Kim interprets that as Kyle wants her to take Brandi out back and pull some California on her ass. Oh lord, the level of classiness is through the roof this season! Apparently Brandi is looking at Kim, so Kim is planning to confront her because she is “negative and icky.” Somewhere in the Disney lost and found box is Kim Richards’ sanity and maturity.
Brandi, on the other hand takes the high road, apologizes, and tries to remain neutral while Kim berates her – ironically calling her “not right,” and refusing to accept her apology. Some sort of this for that ensues about whether or not Kyle was a bitch at Game Night, like we really need to debate that. Kim actually has the gall to tell Brandi she is apologizing to God for bringing her to that level, while waving her finger in Brandi’s boobs. I think it’s fair to say those two definitely weren’t seeing eye to eye. Great Auntie Kim laments, “Shame a pretty girl like you has a truck driver mouth.” Quote of the season! Brandi wants to know if Kim looks pretty acting like “that”? And bring it on, Bitch – complete with mimicry!
Eventually Kyle puts a stop to it and Kim threatens to sic her 18-year-old daughter on Brandi, but Kimberly looks really embarrassed. Does anyone else remember when Kim was lecturing her daughters about everyone getting along on at The White Party? Oh, the hypocrisies of HW land. Later while everyone else is handling Taylor, Pam feels up Kim’s boobs – questioning her about their realness. It’s the great Beverly Hills boob dispute of 2011, ya’ll!
No one can get a hold of Taylor and Russell. Where are they – robbing a bank? Wait… bad joke. While The White Party is in a tizzy about how to handle Taylor’s imminent and late arrival, Taylor and Russell are enjoying a romantic limo ride. Russell is threatening to have fun and stay all night and Taylor is giggling about how much they enjoyed Vegas. Apparently if it weren’t Kyle’s party the lovebirds would have remained in sin city. Taylor is nervous about seeing Camille and doesn’t want to fight, she is also nervous about an exceedingly calm Russell interacting with Cammie.
Adrienne, Kyle, Lisa and the Househusbands are panicking about what to do; Lisa is adamant that Taylor is in the dark about the emails. Adrienne knows a con when she sees one. Kyle agrees that Taylor knows about the email. Kyle is crying a wonky-eyed cry; tears on one-side, malevolence on the other. Kyle is probably secretly hoping this will be end of her fauxship with Taylor.
Paul and Adrienne believe that Taylor and Russell are plotting and manipulating, and Paul wants to know about Taylor’s MO. Paul is on it – assertive, direct, calm, not easily fooled. It was the first time I caught a glimpse of Adrienne and Paul being compatible. Lisa, sadly for all her tough talk, is an old-fashioned bleeding heart who is fooled time and time again. Even Ken was not being had.
Back in the limo of letdowns, Taylor and Russell are talking therapy and the strides in their relationship. Apparently, now that they’ve forgiven each other things can move forward. Apparently, now that Russell is a good boy they can have fun. Anyone else massively creeped out?
And here they come, the beauty and the beast, to be confronted by the cavern of Housewives clustering on the lawn. Kyle falls apart, but Paul gets straight to the point. Because of Russell’s “inappropriate” email, Camille’s lawyers do not want her to be around Russell or Taylor. Russell seems confused and says he thought the email was “kind.” Ever diplomatic Adrienne lays out the situation for a surprised Russell and Taylor – Camille will be forced to call her attorney if they come in.
Taylor starts filibustering; shouting over everyone that she hasn’t read the email. Adrienne insists that Russell explain himself to Taylor. Russell is insistent that the comments Camille made were “false” and he just wanted her to be aware. Russell beseeches Mauricio for instruction and Paul asks them to leave, while Mauricio muses that no one wants to be sued.
As the skulk towards the limo, an emotional Kyle races after them. If looks could kill, Kyle would be dead because Taylor is glaring dastardly. In response to Kyle’s apologies, an unemotional Taylor defaults to bitchy and rude. Russell remains confused and continues repeating that he was told Camille said untrue things about him. Kyle insists Camille did not make anything up and was only repeating Taylor’s own comments. Adrienne sets Russell straight about what is going on, while Taylor attempts to blame Camille for everything. I think it’s fair to say that Adrienne has Taylor’s number dialed.
Taylor actually insists that Camille wouldn’t have come to the party if she wanted to avoid her, then tries to blame Russell! She also claims Camille exaggerated the claims and Russell is fully aware of everything she allegedly told Camille. Russell is obviously hearing different things from Taylor than the ladies are. Russell finally, calmly, requests that they be allowed to leave.
A devastated Kyle sweeps across the lawn in her long white gown. A dramatic parting shot, if I’ve ever seen one, while Camille calls “What happened?” from the fun-filled and fanciful backyard full of dancing, and snakeskin sandals, and chandeliers that stayed in place. The great dichotomy: Business in front, and party in back!
I can just picture poor Kyle reminiscing about White Parties past, when it was all family and friends and fun; before Bravo – when no made for TV friends ruined a good time and Kim didn’t drag losers she met at the mailbox around. Kyle can be reassured that at least no one was crushed by a hanging light fixture, at least no one attempted to molest Maurcio this year; and after all she only embarrassed a person who willingly embarrasses herself. There was so much drama I forgot to look for the Fat Burger booth! Boo… I was planning on that.
Next Week: The white party continues! Kim is causing more drama. The ladies depart for Hawaii and Brandi is molesting Ken. Taylor calls her “friends” and manages to ruin Hawaii from afar. That one always has to be the center of attention, doesn’t she?
Watch What Happens Live: It’s The Glee-son Final-Glee featuring Lea Michele and Chris Colfer. And Lea has never been soooo exciting! Like, ever! The drinking game word is, of course, Glee!
Lea is really effusive, isn’t she? Chris is surprised by how things were handled with the Taylor-exit. Andy loves Kim‘s high pony! And is waiting for the day when the male jumpsuit comes back in fashion.
A caller wants to know if the guests’ Glee characters were Housewives what their opening lines would be. According to Chris, Kurt’s would be “Every moment in life is an opportunity for fashion.” <pose>. Loves it! All the callers are getting Zappos.com gift cards. Darn, I wish I had called in!
And some breaking Glee news! NeNe Leakes is Glee’s newest guest star!!! And everyone is obsessed with Lenenetia and Lea is begging for a spot on Real Housewives of Atlanta. Lea also loves and worships Bethenny Frankel and reads her book (which one?) like it’s her bible!
Andy announces the Mazel Of The Year and awards it to the St. Louis Cardinals for their World Series Win. Aaaahhhr-nold gets the Jackhole Of The Year. Poor Governator!
WWHL will return January 8th, FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK. Can you handle it?!
SO DO YOU THINK TAYLOR IS TELLING RUSSELL THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT SHE SAID TO CAMILLE? WAS RUSSELL WRONG TO SEND CAMILLE A
THREATENING KIND EMAIL? WAS KYLE WRONG TO THROW TAYLOR OUT OF HER PARTY? IS KIM CRAZY?