Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is brought you by Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors." And it also confirmed two things I've long suspected: 1) Househusbands are like fleas when it comes to the series; unwelcome guests that just annoy the hell out of us and should stay home (I'm looking at you, Mauricio "Maurice" Umansky) and 2) One should never, ever, ever attend a party thrown by Splits Richards. Lets just all stick to parties at Yolanda Foster's from now on. I mean, Babs might attend!
Things begin with Scheana Marie Famewhore putting on her best "I feel so sad and ashamed" face that she's been practicing in the mirror for weeks in anticipation of her big ol' TV debut. Unfortunately Scheana feels about as bad about squashing Brandi Glanville's marriage as she did squashing the spider she found in her bathroom last week.
Brandi, on the other hand, is still totally not over Douche King Eddie Cibrian and she narrows her eyes looks right at Scheana and hisses that he's probably cheating on ol' crazy noodles LeAnn Rimes right now. Scheana's eyes get wide, she starts to look nervous, and then Brandi – all 35 feet of her – stands up, looks down at her and breezes out. Scheana does a quick vital signs assessment, realizes she's in one piece, and then runs out as fast as her shaky legs can carry her.
Brandi breezes into the Office de Vanderpump for a counseling session and a glass of much needed rosé. I need rosé on tap too. Lisa Vanderpump – hook a girl up!
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Brandi tears up about how she wants to be strong and Lisa pours more reassuring words into her glass. Poor Brandi – girl needs to move on and get on eHarmony quick! Brandi worries she'll shrivel up an old maid and Lisa offers her guest house as the accommodations.
If I ever have to shrivel up an old maid, I want to do it in Lisa's guest house too. Throw in Yolanda's fridge and the Villa Blanca wine cellar while you're at it!
Over at Yolanda's she is caressing lemons in her orchard and explaining reaching ascension through the master cleanse as she pointedly looks at Kyle, who she wordlessly assesses as 'full of it.' Apparently the master cleanse does more than remove back-up it takes you to a higher level, turns you into a Dutch goddess, and points the way to several rich husbands and a walk-in glass fridge all while rendering one impeccable looking in silver leather leggings.
I think we all know how Yolanda ended up on RHOBH. After ten days without food and guzzling lemon water she suffered deprivation-based temporary insanity and signed the contract. David was distracted composing his latest collaboration of elevator music and didn't land the private plane in time to stop her. It was like a reality TV-based English Patient. Oh the sadness of throwing sanity, humility, and integrity away! Luckily Yolanda course corrected by avoiding alcohol during filming and stuck to drinking the blood of innocent lambs.
If you want to reach Yolanda status and avoid blockage, here's what you do: mix fresh lemon juice with water, Grade B (ORGANIC) maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. Drink three times per day for 10 days. Emerge looking like Angelina Jolie, shedding the eau de Kyle like a snake releasing its old skin in favor of a new, impeccable, clear ethereal one. Your eyes will twinkle, you will no longer be full of crap which you love to stir, and you will forever eschew cheese, fried foods, and wine. And with that, I'll pass.
Apparently Kim Richards was supposed to show up and cleanse her toxins away, but since Kyle was there she realized the better way to detox was to avoid the scene all together.
And meanwhile Kim was in therapy excising a backlog of demons anyway. Kim's sponsor. I love this man. He is honest, straight up, and he cusses like a sailor. I'm thinking he needs to do a weekly group session with the broads of RHOBH and set these bitches straight. They can mix venting with master cleanse for the total package. In addition, I love sober, taking back control, and clear-eyed Kim. I'm proud of her. You work through that toxic shit, girl!
As session ends Kim gazes lovingly at her savior, her sponsor, as he reassures her that she has a reason to be hurt and angry with Kyle. Her eyes get misty and she bashfully offers him some chicken salad pulled from her designer purse. It is lovingly hand-crafted, man-handled, handmade, and caressed by her own hands. 'I made this. For you,' she says. 'Kneading the ingredients gave me strength and clarity.' Forget pottery, Kim has mayo and chicken and celery and raisins.
'It's delicious,' therapy man says causing her to beam. 'Now go, my child, confront your demons, snatch back your imperial crown from your sister, and take your rightful place as queen. Your kingdom awaits.' Kim departs confident, serene, and aware. She knows what she has to do, but she will wait for Morocco to make her first move. Kim, lighter, more ethereal, and cleansed without the help of lemons and organic maple syrup rides off into the sunset dreaming of her new world, where she is mistress of her own domain. "Freedom" belts from the radio and all is peaceful. At least for a moment…
Meanwhile in the imperturbably perfect world of Lisa, regal queen of the hills of debauchery, flowers must be examined, tea must be had, and sushi must be sampled all while one's lipgloss stays perfectly intact. How does she do that?
Back at her humble abode, Ken and Giggy are hard at work. They are building a throne, a fairy swing to show their love for the woman who has given them the color pink. Ken oversees the planing of a heart-shaped garden and the hanging of a real-life fairy swing covered in pink flowers. When I grow up can I please, please have Lisa's life. It's a different universe over there.
Lisa swans through the door where a color-coordinated Giggy and Ken greet her and usher her to the backyard while she protests about hating surprises. And then she swoons. As he gently pushes her on a swing made of love and perfect blooms Ken suggests that on their 30th wedding anniversary they renew their vows. Lisa accepts. And I really hope for Ken's sake his "birthday" comes early this year and he gets a little loving by Lisa.
Unfortunately all is not sane in Lisa's world, because Kyle is hosting another dinner party. YES! I can't believe it either! I was speechless to learn this. Does Kyle never learn? I mean this woman should be forever banned from doing an event of any kind. Any! Just stoppit, Kyle. Really.
Also, not learning is Brandi who attends. Oh Brandi, you look great – love the hair and makeup – please do not waste it on another insane Kyle-sponsored and orchestrated beat-down plot. You are walking into a set-up. Ugh. Luckily Faye was not on the guestlist!
Splits picks up Marisa Zanuck, confirms with Kim that she is not blowing off another one of her precious and all-important events, and arrives at the restaurant. For once I love what Kyle is wearing. Really, all the ladies looked amazing last night. Unfortunately that was the high point of the evening, because once the dresses (and the silver leather pants) made their debut things went immediately down hill. Thanks for another great one, Splits!
Does anyone else feel like Kyle has multiple personalities? It's like Kyle one minute, Splits the next. Pick a side and stick to it.
Anyway, the party begins and Brandi walks in first bearing quite the bomb. She plops down and before even a drink is served tells Kyle and Marisa that the invisible Adrienne Maloof served her with papers and is suing her to ban her from mentioning her family ever again. Brandi had to shell out $2k for a lawyer and issue a response. Brandi is freaking out.
pretends to be is speechless and Marisa is like, uuuuhhhh…. I do not think I should be associating with these wackjobs. Can I rescind my contract? What is it with lawsuits and Kyle's parties. I mean good lord.
It seems everyone totally forgot Adrienne existed until this little gem came rolling out. I assume Adrienne thought intimidating Brandi with a lawsuit would mean she wouldn't mention said suit in mixed company, but she should know that's not how Brandi rolls. Thankfully. Don't let the 2% owners of The Palms shut you down!
Everyone else arrives and the lawsuit is temporarily forgotten as Kim is cornered about her master cleanse absence. Apparently Kim "forgot" she was supposed to show up and denies ever making plans. Yolanda is offended as she claims the plans were made and confirmed 3 times. It's Kim's World and we're all just living in it!
Kyle starts pressuring Kim about why she can't do the cleanse. Kim is obfuscating and refusing to answer the question. But Kim has a plan…
During dancing Splits starts with the hair whip helicopter, but forgoes the splits (she's losing her touch!). I assume this is a sign of positive things to come. Then the drama erupts full-force.
First of all, in one corner Kim and Kyle are having a heart-to-heart. A crying Kim apologizes for all the unpleasantness her alcoholism caused. A temporary peace-treaty is reached. The entire time I kept thinking something was missing… then I realized Adrienne's braying voice wasn't screaming across the party "SOMEBODY'S CRYING!" to interrupt the moment.
Anyway, Kyle is still on a 'we'll see' basis with Kim and not fully ready to accept her apology. She did not offer an apology of her own.
Poor Marisa has invited her innocent brother to attend the festivities. I can only imagine he ran screaming from the door when realizing that he may be forced to sit next to Taylor Armstrong who misunderstood that she wasn't supposed to consume the entire wine list by herself. Yes, there was Taylor quashed in a corner with Camille Grammer bleating about how she needs a man while everyone's eyes widened in horror and Brandi smirked.
And somewhere out of the blue Yolanda and Lisa started talking about Adrienne suing Brandi. Lisa and Yolanda are the ultimate fairy godmothers defending and protecting their Brandi. They are confused about what Adrienne would even want from Brandi.
Her uterus? Maybe her body?
I'm not sure how things got so out of hand but suddenly Brandi found herself in the axis of evil and crazy beside a drunk and belligerent Taylor ranting and shrieking about how girls have to be doing it for themselves in the single women's club like she was Donna Summer belting out a disco anthem about women's empowerment. Just because Taylor was wearing gold lamé that does not make her a disco queen.
Camille, either crazy, afraid, or drunk herself, is agreeing with Taylor. Brandi looks terrified. I'm terrified. There are no safe zones however because then everyone leaps on her about the lawsuit. Leading the pack of crusaders is Mauricio. He blames Brandi for everything and insists she didn't try to apologize. Brandi repeats over and over she tried to call.
Taylor is ranting about how nobody cared about her lawsuit and her issues are like way, way more important than Brandi and Adrienne's crap. Kim, forgetting that she is supposed to play dumb, accidentally becomes sober Kim. She is staring Taylor down and she sees her true colors of lies, lies, and liary-lies. Taylor starts berating Kim who quickly insists she is just "listening." Kim is smarter than people give her credit for and I love Sober Kim. Sober Kim is shrewd.
And Mauricio. Well. Ol' Maurice.
I think we know how he ended up with Kyle! He just can't shut up about Brandi, despite the fact that he doesn't even know why they are talking about this. Ken finds himself in the middle of an argument with Mauricio and he defends Brandi as both his friend, and because Lisa and Ken are filled with maternal instincts.
Ken says out that although Brandi shouldn't have said what she said about Adrienne – which Brandi admits – she did and everyone knows it's true anyway. Lisa quickly shushes him, warning that he doesn't want to get sued! A-HA! Interesting…
Unfortunately Ken seems to be under the impression women need a man to help them combat legal issues, which OK – totally outdated, but whatever the sentiment was sweet. Yolanda is bored of these women people problems. Apparently real men compose romantic ballads with Barbara Streisand instead of bickering at dull parties in low-rent Moroccan restaurants. Real men do not involve themselves in women's problems. And women should just take their problems to Starbucks. Or master cleanse them away. She daydreams of a world where all people use lemon juice to see the light and find inner peace.
Yolanda comes to just in time to hear Brandi screaming at Mauricio to EFF off. And seriously – Judge Mauricio needs to shut it. I was desperately wishing I could leap through the TV and staple some duct tape over his judgmental insufferable mouth.
Really though SEVERAL good points were made. Yes, even by Taylor. Last season Adrienne was leading the campaign about how "friends don't sue friends" and she was furious when Taylor and Russell attempted to take Camille to court.
Secondly, Adrienne made scandalous remarks about Lisa during the reunion and no one – Lisa looks directly at Kyle – defended Lisa to Adrienne and everyone insisted Lisa should just get over it, forgive and forget. Now here is Adrienne taking full offense to someone turning the tables on her. Brandi admits she shouldn't have said it and that is not good enough for Mauricio who keeps insisting she did so with malice. What the eff does he care? He obviously has no idea who his wife is friends with – FAYE! – or how his wife behaves. Does he watch this show?
Kim also made a fair point when she reminded Brandi that blurting things out gets her in trouble over and over again. But seriously Kim – get over the meth comment. You called the girl a "slut pig" and hid her crutches in a drunken stupor.
Anyway, dinner is over and no one even got dessert. The only person interested was Marisa's husband who seemed bemused that all this crap was happening over cous-cous.
So – who wants do Thanksgiving at Kyle's house next year?
TELL US – WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL THAT? WAS MAURICIO OUT OF LINE TO BLAME BRANDI FOR ALL THE DRAMA? DOES ADRIENNE HAVE A REASON TO SUE BRANDI?