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rhobh-recap

So where do we begin with this mess of a show that is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? It was just a blur of white noise. Splits Richards decided there hadn't been enough drama as of late so she decided to host her annual White Party. I mean screw P Diddy and Cannes, this is THE event of the season. Bust out your white swim suit cover-ups, get ready to twirl your hair round your head like a helicopter (one of these days Kyle is going to take off!), and then go threaten to sue your friends! Open bar on the left. 

In other happenings, Kim Richards got a nose job. I mean, what else has she got to do? Kim's nose job – not big news in the real BH, I imagine, but in the RHOBH it's cause for celebration. And why not? Kim has never entertained anyone not even us on this show so perhaps it's time for her to do some party hosting. Isn't that what these broads do with their spare time when they're not hiring lawyers because their girlfriends talk shit about them?

So anyway, Kim's having a re-done nose party (I hope she got a ton of cards that said: 'Congratulations on your re-done nose!'). She has this sweet little coffee bar set up and she's rocking a Mrs. Roper mumu as she swans around the pool. It was all very seventies. I've noticed a lot of what Splits and Kim do is circa seventies (hello… THE White Party, y'all!). 

Speaking of Splits, she shows up towing along two adorable little girls and one orangey blob in a scarecrow wig. Yeah, Faye Resnick was there, but by the blessed gods of Bravo she barely spoke and stayed mainly off camera. Perhaps they wanted to keep the party focused on decent plastic surgery.

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But oh, that can't be right because in all her surgicized glory there was Adrienne Maloof bustling around, sniveling to everyone – including Kim herself – that HER husband, HER HUSBAND Paul Nassif, DR. Paul Nassif – plastic surgeon – could have done that nose job soooooo much better. Just in case Kim didn't know, Paul is a plastic surgeon and he could have made her nose look so much more amazing. Except if he's so amazing, why didn't he do Adrienne's nose? Actually it's a compliment to Paul that the nose on Adrienne's face was done by someone else because that teeny beaky piece of candy corn is not good. 

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Adrienne is giving ol' Kim 'The Palms Treatment' and will forever hold it over her head that she went to a different doctor. And poof! There went that friendship. 

There was other drama at this party. Taylor Armstrong's daughter showed up, but guess who wasn't accompanying her: Taylor! Yeah, she let Kennedy drive her big wheels right on over. Just kidding… Taylor had ditched Kennedy with Kyle – and Kyle didn't even know.

Taylor was supposed to show up at the party, but at the last minute Kim'd Out. 'Kimming Out', if you don't know, means phoning after the party has started to inform the host you will not be attending and having some strange excuse.

In Taylor's case it's because she got a little too drunk in the Extramarital Affairs Suite at Ritz and then decided to take off on an impromptu weekend jaunt with the married lover. 'I think Kennedy's at home,' she slurred. 'I mean, I hope! hahahaha! Tootles!' Kyle and Kim are both like uuuuuuuhhhhh… actually Kennedy is at the re-done nose party hiding in the corner because Kim is running around looking like a Jason mask. 

Cue faux concern emanating from Kim and Kyle. Kim because well, Kim is just Kim and who knows. And Kyle because squeeeee! More drama she is in the middle of and gets to play the authority over whilst pretending she just doesn't want to get involved. Kyle was glowing – and it wasn't because she was sitting next to the citronella candles!

Marissa Zanuck mentions that Kyle practically raises Kennedy because, well, Taylor is always MIA. 'Doesn't she have a nanny?' Marisa wonders? I mean why does Kennedy have her own room in the Splits Richards Compound for the Drama Seeking and Delusional?

'Oh because I'm sooooooo nice and caring – and I love Taylor, which is why I'm talking about how much she sucks as a mom on national TV,' Kyle coos sweetly. And I gagged on the iced latte I was pretend drinking. Kyle didn't mention it at the party, but on twitter she confessed it was all a misunderstanding: 

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Then Kim's nose appears and Kyle was supportive and sweet for all of six seconds. And Kim did look nice. Good for her. Good party, good spread, good nose. Too bad all the Sisters Richards' parties weren't going to go so stellarly during this episode! #WhitePartyProblems

At Adrienne's, in some seriously choppy and erratically rearranged footage, she realizes Lisa Vanderpump's old house (across the street) is on fire. Adrienne started freaking out and acting like her house was on fire (was Bernie cooking?) and starts evacuating her kids, kids' friends, nephews? I don't know but she was cramming like 18 people in on SUV and I started to think it was a clown car. 

Paul opted to stay home and not impede the fire department's access to the road, to which Adrienne pointed her finger in his face and said: 'Big mistake! HUGE!' And Bernie jotted down Paul's latest infraction for future use. 

Poor Lisa, she was sad to learn her beautiful home was destroyed. At least she has another even more beautiful home to sustain her! 

And then it's White Party Day! We really need to just rename this party The Lawsuit Party because I swear anytime someone on this cast wants to sue/threaten to sue/has lawyers send letters/ writes rude emails they just save it for this one event. I guess it's to spare us from looking at the sea of white nightgowns. The ghosts of real faces past!

Kyle tells Faye that she wants to cancel this party because it's too much drama. And Kyle just can't with drama. She is not about this life. BIGGEST LIE I'VE EVER HEARD ON THIS SHOW! What Kyle means is that drama is like her oxygen and she sooo cannot. wait. And that is why she invited mortal enemies Brandi Glanville and Adrienne to be in the same smallish (by BH standards!) house and share the same Fat Burger booth and wear the same color so they can't pick each other out easily in the crowd and register: avoid! Yep, Kyle hates drama. 

Adrienne and Paul pretend to like each other for a hot second as they cruise in the limo to Kyle's big event – it's pretty much like the Academy Awards of reality TV, you know. Since Adrienne and Paul don't really have anything in common except that they're maybe/sort of/ possibly/depends on the day threatening to sue Brandi, that's what they talk about. 

Adrienne warbles about how she isn't sure her lawyer sent Brandi a letter. I guess she doesn't remember calling him on the phone or writing him that check? #lies Then she lectures Paul about bad karma. Did anyone else bust out laughing. Um… Adrienne, good karma does not mean being a giant bitch. Adrienne snarks that Brandi only has money for plastic surgery, and speaking of bad karma… the work Ol' Maloof has had done! 

"I would never do that to someone," Adrienne scoffs at the mere notion that she would intentionally ruin someone's reputation. Oh, reeeeeeeally?

Color me confused but why is Adrienne allowed to attend this party when Taylor and Russell were shoved out the door by Maurice the Security Guard at last year's event because they were "suing" Camille Grammer? Interesting conundrum, no? 

Anyway, they arrive. We all gagged. We gagged even more when Adrienne tepidly hugged Lisa and managed to smear cheap Vegas stripper tanner all over Lisa's dress. Lisa decides this is the perfect time to tell Adrienne about her little hygiene problem (Flashback: Are You There God? It's Me Margaret Adrienne).

Adrienne leaves skid marks where ever she goes…

In fact Adrienne has permanently soiled Lisa's impeccable white sofa (necessitating a reupholstering) and then at the tea party ruined several chairs with her stains. Adrienne brushes it aside and instructs Lisa to use baby wipes (!!!!!) to clean it up. I thought Lisa was going to die. I mean the look on her face. I really thought she was going to die. 

If that weren't bad enough, Taylor shows up and Kim accosts her about how she like left her kid alone for the weekend with a bottle of Diet. Pepsi and some Cheez-Its. Luckily Kennedy is truly excellent at rigging paint can sling shots in case intruders show up. 

Taylor is blissed out on love and doesn't seem to care. 'Oh it's fine! It was just an oversight,' she gushes. 'I'm in loooooooove and Kennedy, she's practically an adult right?! Ooooh wine!' Kim knows all too well that Taylor has a little problem with the truth – and also the bottle! #WhitePartyProblems

When everyone is moving smoothly around each other to avoid contact, Brandi decides now is the perfect time to stir up drama by confronting Adrienne because Paul's presence is making her so uncomfortable! We all know the producers planned this. Brandi gets a little pep talk from Lisa who encourages her to chat with Adrienne alone (Why, Lisa, why?!) and Brandi sends a friend over to get Adrienne. Is this 8th grade?

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Oh. That letter… 

Adrienne brings her bodyguard Bernie Paul over and they sit down, poop stain up the pale blue chairs, and start barking in Brandi's face. It was all very circuitous. First Adrienne denies hiring an attorney. Then she said she had to hire one. Then she denies sending a letter. Then she insists she was forced to. Then she denies Bernie was selling stories to the press about Brandi, but then Brandi proves everything by whipping out about 60 pages of supporting documentation confirming legal bills, lawyer communication, and Bernie lies. They make clutches big enough to hold all that? 

Maybe Brandi was right to confront them at the party, on camera. I mean at least we have it on tape that Adrienne lied – and continues to lie!

Paul looks visibly shocked to learn Bernie would do something like that and says they'll fire him and they didn't know. Brandi says she told Adrienne. Poor Paul. Duped on national TV. And Adrienne, really with the lies? Last week there was nooo letter, nooo lawyer, and St. Bernie does nothing but make the most blessed chicken wing dip in all the land – and this week there was a lawyer, and a letter, one crooked chef who does a whole lotta pot stirring! Dang Adrienne – can't keep those stories straight can you! #WhitePartyProblems

While Brandi is tackling the problem of one massive hypocrite, Lisa is tackling the problem of another: Kyle. She confronts Splits about the double-standard of Adrienne and Paul being honored guests at THE White Party when last year Taylor and Russell were dejected. 'Oh, well.. I don't want to get in the middle of drama,' Kyle protests stuffing Fat Burger in her mouth. "But rules are rules," Lisa reminds her. Kyle tries to scamper away when she is confronted by another person who has recognized the hypocrisy: Taylor

Taylor too reminds Kyle that Adrienne was "leading the charge" against she and Russell being thrown out and now look – she too is threatening to sue a friend. And all Russell did was send a freaking email, Adrienne actually went for the big guns and had a lawyer involved! Kyle again dismisses it as like something she doesn't want to deal with. #WhitePartyProblems

Privately Kyle admits, nervously – hoping Adrienne won't hear – that she does agree it is wrong and a double standard, but what's a girl to do? 

While Brandi and Adrienne/Paul are squabbling in the corner, Ken and Lisa come over to figure out what is going on. Adrienne and Paul are ranting about ruined reputations when Ken points out that that they didn't "take umbrage" against the Maloof-Nasties following the reunion, but oh they could have! 

Paul protests that Lisa ruined Adrienne's business by calling her shoes the "Maloof Hoof." Ken laughs out loud and says that's the only reason anyone even knew Adrienne's shoe line exists. And that, my friends, is true!

The rest of the group trickles over and Taylor reminds the Maloofs that they were sooo against friends suing friends last year and now look. Taylor defines the word hypocrite for them, but Adrienne and Paul insist it's not the same thing? It's not, cause it's pretty much the EXACT same thing – except worse! And at least the world's biggest liars (or so we thought!) Taylor and Russell admitted they sent the threat to sue! Adrienne can't even do that right. #WhitePartyProblems

Kyle breaks this whole chat up by insisting everyone leave because at her party she wants everyone to get along. Kyle you are so pathetic. I mean really. To quote you: "Stop." 

That's when Ken tells Paul to man up, pay for Brandi's legal bills, and pull his balls out of Adrienne's plastic Maloof monogrammed purse. Paul gets highly incensed and accuses Ken of having Brandi as his girlfriend. Like that is some big insult. 'Hey you middle-aged guy, you have a hot mistress and a hot wife. LOSER! HA! Told you!' 

Ken and Lisa dismiss the Maloofs as non-people and walk away. 'Oh that ol' orange crusty bitch,' Lisa sniffs. 'I'm having my lawyer send her a bill for the chairs she ruined. Then I'm going to pretend I've never heard of the American legal system.' 

Can't they all just eat Fat Burger and get along? I mean french fries make people happy! So do cheeseburgers – or maybe that's just me. #PoorPeopleProblems

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

TELL US – BIGGER HYPOCRITE: KYLE OR ADRIENNE? SHOULD LISA "TAKE UMBRAGE" AGAINST ADRIENNE FOR THE RUINED CHAIRS? 

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