Last night was the first installment of the so-called epic Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion.
Since it was mostly a bunch of squabbling about tit-for-tat and tampon strings, let's make this quick and dirty! I'm gonna start by paying Snarlton Gebbia a compliment. She looks good! Less Wicked Witch Of The Tanning Bed and more Human Flesh who feasts on food and not the blood of innocents.
Right out of the gate Lisa Vanderpump and Brandi Glanville are at it over whether or not Lisa lived in Calabasas at some point and filed for bankruptcy. Lisa says no, but according to the $9.99 background check Brandi did on www.stalkurfriends.com (the same site that tricks you into thinking you'll be able to see who's reading your FB page!) Lisa like so did have an address in the valley. Lisa rolls her eyes. Then Brandi claims SPLITS Richards told her about the Kalatrashass living and Ken's financial past.
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Look - Lisa doesn't want to live near the Kardashians. I mean, duh. I bet Brandi is pissed she wasted that $10 sniping Lisa when she could've bought wine. "Just because you say something, doesn't make it true," Lisa patiently explains to Brandi.
Yolanda Foster is still on this broken record about "Hollywood Friends". And Starbucks. She's disappointed that Lisa didn't visit her constantly when she was housebound for 18 months and rambles on and on about how friends should bring her Starbucks. Yolanda is apparently confused in her Lyme Brain – Starbucks is NOT paying her to be an ambassador. In fact they're sending her a cease and desist to stop dragging their name through the mud.
Lisa denies being a Hollywood Friend. I think it's time for Yolanda to take her lemons and make lemonade. Maybe she should just have a glass of Brandi's wine. Or better yet, make lemoncello.
We get an extended montage of Rambles Richards, her dog, her creepy werepuppies, her Jimmy McNichol lovin', her Kim-ness. It was literally the longest Kim has ever been on this show in four seasons. I tuned out. I woke up stroking a pillow and calling it Kingsley. Speaking of which, Kyle thinks Kingsley might eat Kim in her sleep. Kim rambles on about how the show saved her life. We talk about how she prayed to a trash can and Lisa found it odd. I honestly do not care. If Kim wants to find her Jesus in the bottom of a trash can so be it - good for her. May he save her from Kingsley.
Joyce Giraud and Brandi face off! Speaking of which, Brandi's face looks off.
Brandi complains that Joyce looks like a figure skater in her outfit. "Sochi's calling," she snaps. I'd rather look like an OLYMPIC athlete than an over-botoxed drunken lush. Joyce hauls Brandi back in by her tampon string and states that at least her feminine hygiene products are properly covered. Yes. Joyce WENT THERE with the tampon string. You get em' pageant queen. You work that rhinestone tiara and turn it into a shiv!
Brandi tries gloss over it - she was just having fun with her "gaygent". I LOATHE that she's always going on and on about the gaygent. I find it objectifying and weird.
Andy questions Brandi about her racist comment. She and Snarlton start whining about labels. Andy slaps them both and then Brandi apologizes. Some sort of gross, weird scuffle erupts about whose hubby has a larger dong: Carlton's or Joyce's. Don't label Carlton!! Stop labeling the peens – it's so judgmental and short-sighted. Ugh. Labels!
Brandi thinks Joyce settled with Michael "Terminator Husband". Joyce could not have settled, because he is big, if you know what I mean.
Brandi denies calling Joyce to talk ish about how Lisa is an over-sensitive biatch and warning her to guard her hairflips with her life. Look – Brandi quit denying you talked shit – we've been seeing it happen all season. Just own it, Ms.Tell It Like It Is.
And I'm gonna tell you something – your ruby slippers were ridiculous and I wish you would click your heels together and go home. Back to the Valley! I can't believe Brandi's antics have made me like Joyceline. And now I do. Now I'm rooting for Miss Queen of the Universe. And I'm sure her one wish for humanity is for all the Real Housewives to come together in peace to make the world a better place, although world hunger is not a problem she can tackle because a lady can never be too thin or too rich.
Andy asks Snarlton and Brandi about their jacuzzi make-out. That poor jacuzzi! Carlton is sad Brandi outed her lesbiana activities before she could have a sit-down with her kids and explain that sometimes mommy gets bored of daddy's donkey – despite her 62,000 sex toys – and has to kiss her television friends.
Much like Snarlton's Ed Hardy wardrobe her 'I Kissed A Girl' Katy Perry moment was so five years ago. Stop trying too hard! You're lame. You're mid-40s. You're like Regina George's mom in Mean Girls. And Brandi is like a ratchet Regina George!
Splits is hurt that the 'Dream Team' rejected her application on the grounds that she whips her hair back and forth too much and lacks either an accent or mile long legs. Lucky for her the Dream Team disbanded and started haunting Lisa's nightmare.
Finally, Brandi and Lisa bicker about their friendship. Brandi accuses Lisa of acting differently in front of the cameras, where as she just lets it all hang out. Tampon strings, thongs, drunken bathroom hookups, racist comments, xanax-poppin', f-bomb droppin', and all! How's that workin' for you, B?! #PlanetTrash
Brandi also claims Lisa tried to make her look bad on camera by talking about her drinking and taking the wine away from her in Palm Springs. Lisa insists she was just trying to help and she has addressed Brandi's behavior many times on and off camera.
Brandi says she is 41 and gonna drink. Let's break this down. Brandi is 41. FORTY-ONE. Not 21. Getting that out of the way, I hope I had a friend that would try to stop me from acting totally embarrassing in public. Also, Lisa doesn't have to make Brandi look bad. Brandi does just fine on her own – just ask Hoyce!
Finally, Lisa's snippy "jokes" are addressed when Andy asks her how she felt when everyone believed she fake fainted on DWTS. Lisa says it hurt her feelings. The question of the reunion is: Can Lisa dish it out but not take it? Her little "jokes" often hurt others feelings, but then she gets super offended when people make jokes at her expense. Lisa seems to admit this by not saying it. She and Brandi go back and forth about some of the "jokes" they've made at each other.
Look, I do think that Lisa has a really hard time accepting criticism. Yes, even Queen Lisa has her flaws. But all of the Housewives suffer from this affliction. It's like part of the job requirement. That and wine indulgence.
Andy asks Lisa directly if she's able to take a joke. Before she can answer Yolanda jumps in to talk about herself and the 18 months she was on house arrest with lyme incapacitation. Um… huh?
I think the lemon acid keeping Yolanda's batteries functioning ran out or something. Lisa corrects Yolanda that she came and sat with her several times, called often, they went out to dinner, on and on. It's apparently not enough. Yolanda seems to expect Lisa to take custody of her and pay child support or something. It's 18 months, Yo, not 18 years. And isn't that what Your King is for?
Finally Lisa points out that she can't move in and babysit Yo through every lyme incident and they laugh. I like these two together and I hope they can regain their friendship. I know, I know – crucify me in the comments.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE FIRST PART OF THE REUNION?