On this beautiful-ish Monday morning, I'm a bit sluggish. Perhaps I was lulled into a stupor by Cynthia Bailey's passive non-action on last night's rather tepid and boring episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta? The wine was not able to keep me – or the episode – afloat. But alas, there were some bright spots.
We're still in Mexico where NeNe Leakes is telling Peter Thomas that he's like a bitch, no wait he's not really a bitch he just wants to be one of the bitches, but not an actual bitch, he's just in bitches' bizness. So he's a bitch but she didn't mean to call him a bitch she was just pointing out that he was acting like a bitch. If you're confused, you are not alone.
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Proving that Apollo's crazy-nonsense ramble-itis is spreading like a dangerous Housewives plague Gregg jumps in to meander through an explanation of how he's giving Peter a pass to the most exclusive club in town (no, not BarOne!): Gregg's forgiveness. Even though someone took a situation from him. Gregg does realize that awkward friendship debacles aren't like the $15,000 he "borrowed" from D'wight – you can't just steal situations? Anyway, Gregg is carpe diem-ing and seizing said situation back. Or I think that's what he said.
Not saying anything is Cynthia. Of course. She did not step in to defend her HUSBAND to NeNe. Nope she sat there in her big ol' Steve Urkel glasses, chewing on her lip for the remnants of wine, and swallowed her tongue. Cynthia suffers from a Housewife predicament. She is trapped between standing up for her man or ending up in the pitfalls of She By SheBroke by falling on the wrong side of NeNe and jeopardizing the job she desperately needs. Sounds like someone needs to amend the Friendship Contract to add a stipulation about calling one's spouse a bitch!
And with that we're back in Atlanta. Blessedly, because I've had just about enough of Kenya Moore's heavily shaded agenda. Speaking of which she was blessedly absent for the first half of the episode leaving me to believe Krayonce had been detained in a Mexican Booty Factory. Alas, she was not.
She invites Marlo Hampton over with another agenda. Oh Kenya and her "activities" (aka camera time seekers). Since she is seriously considering this sperm bank thing she's hired a practice baby. You know the kind they pass out in high schools to prevent pregnancy. Kenya, having the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old should have spared the poor silicone baby (like mother, like daughter!) and just watched 16 And Pregnant.
After cracking open the cocktails with Marlo, Kenya starts "silicone sitting". First of all, she's surprised the woman administering the practice child brought her a black baby. "I have some white in me," Kenya laughs flinging the baby onto a chair head-first and tucking into her booze.
All in all this scene taught me two things: 1) Krayonce failed the motherhood test despite taking care of a dog for 7 years. And 2) Kenya likes her babies the way she likes her boyfriends: FAKE!
Kandi Burruss is working on her play A Mother's Love. She's hired Eddie Levert (score!), Shirley Murdock (score again!) and Porsha Stewart (Dunces!). The only person who hasn't signed their contract is Porsha. I see Kandi has learned the hard way from Kim Zolciak – when dealing with wannabe divas GET A CONTRACT! Porsha has no fewer demands than Mariah Carey and is probably hoping to be featured on the next episode of Cribs languishing in a bathtub while failing at sexyface. She did say she's ready to start dating again!
Porsha doesn't get it. Of course. Instead of rehearsing for her part she wants top billing, private dressing room, car service or gas to and from performances, and Diana Ross weaves (style your hair for the diva you want to become!). I feel like the only job Porsha has ever taken seriously is weave hawking, because she certainly wasn't treating "beard" or "gold digger" with professionalism! And screw dance rehearsal she's in the club while her understudy gets promoted. Porsha probably thinks understudy does all the rehearsing while she just shows up on opening night!
Kandi and Don Juan are annoyed. Kandi explains that Porsha's contract is unreasonable and she will not be treating her like A-list royalty ala Eddie Levert. Porsha explains that she hired NeNe's attorney (not Phaedra Parks – world's greatest entertainment lawyer?!) and that is who drafted the contract. Hiring another one of NeNe's attorneys was Porsha's first mistake – NeNe also thinks she's A-list when she's not!
After dealing with Dunces the wannabe Broadway star, Kandi heads over to her former high school where she is giving two hard-working and talented students parts in her play. Kandi was getting in trouble and skipping school until she transferred to a performing arts school, formed Xscape, and met teachers who believed in her. She gets emotional seeing her favorite teacher. I love seeing Kandi give back, recognize these students' hard work and investing in the community that helped raise her.
Right now Mama Joyce is spreading rumors all around town about Kandi's teacher; claiming she is an opportunist trying to ride Kandi's coattails and accusing her of having an affair with Todd in the janitor's closet.
NeNe and Cynthia are discussing bitch-gate with their respective husbands. Sitting in her messy, sad closet, Cynthia thinks Peter has been disrespected. Yes, he has – by both Cynthia AND NeNe.
NeNe believes her friendship with Cynthia is strong enough to overcome and unsurprisingly she is not sorry for what she said to Peetah-Patricia, whom she blames for coming between her and Cynthia. By overcome I mean, Cynthia is afraid to cross her for fear her contract will be axed next season.
Peter is pissed that his wife was silent in Mexico. Cynthia admits NeNe was wrong and claims she's gonna address the matter. NOT. “Bottom line is: friends don’t go around calling friends bitches," Cynthia states while acting like NeNe's bitch, trailing behind her sniffing her tail.
The couples meet up to iron out their issues. NeNe spends a full 15 minutes complaining about bitches and who was acting like a bitch and bitch and bitch and bitch all of which describes Peetah-Patricia and is Peetah-Patricia's fault. For all the 75,000 times she said the word bitch she never once admitted she was also being a bitch! Of course.
My final notes on the episode, Kenya apparently learned her parenting skills from Kim Z, which is also where Porsha learned her dealing with Kandi and "singing" a song skills. Ladies – Wig will always be the queen of doing nothing and getting away with it, so just don't bother trying.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – BIGGER BITCH: NENE-NAYNAY OR PEETAH-PATRICIA? WORST MOTHER: KRAYONCE OR MARLO?