Last night Bravo was up to some chicanery – telling us Real Housewives of Atlanta's finale was an hour and a half and then tacking on some sit-down special with NeNe Leakes for the last 30 minutes. I have to admit NeNe basically ripping up Cynthia Bailey's friendship contract and making it acid rain all over the WWHL stage was far more entertaining than any old memorial for Kenya Moore's dog on what looked like Chateau Sheree's dirt patch vacant grounds.
So anyway, Kandi Burruss and Todd have been through a lot in their relationship, most prevalently they have dodged the mighty weave-wearing bullet of Mama Joyce and her Wal-mart wedges being thrown at them from all angles. Now that they've done a MJ exorcism by developing the play A Mother's Love together, it's time to talk prenup. Kandi wants one and wants one she shall have – so long as the requests are reasonable according to Todd. Basically both parties leave with what they came in with and split everything they accrued together down the middle.
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Kenya is still reeling from Velvet's death and decides to hold some memorial service for her in what seriously looked like a dirt patch in the middle of nowhere. I mean I was expecting some high class pet cemetery but it was literally just a mound of dusty brown soil and Aunt Lori reading a eulogy while Kenya heaved giant sobs and Cynthia stood there awkwardly holding her dog's leash while her wig trembled. No one else attended – not even Brandon or Miss Lawrence. Or Velvet. Kenya brought her ashes in a little urn which she propped against a plaque in the dead grass.
Phaedra Parks completed mortuary school and dreams of opening Phunerals by Phaedra. Really if that's not a spinoff I just do not know what is. Apollo is talking about how he's ready for her to take care of him for a while and she shoots him a signature side-eye that would strip all the brand-new paint off her remodeled walls. Apollo is not even being considered in Phaedra's future plans because as soon as he walks himself into the federal penitentiary she's gonna be embalming and burying this marriage! That marriage can burn in the crematorium til it's nice and crispy. I wonder if Willie Watkins does divorcerals? Even Ayden, literally the smartest 3-year-old on TV, knows this!
Speaking of marriages on life support, Cynthia is trying to turn on the sexy for Peter since they've been dealing with so many financial issues. She's got Mallorie over to help her develop a sex kitten act which includes a cigar, a Marilyn Monroe voice, and posing seductively on a chair. 1) I thought Mallorie hated Peter and didn't approve of their marriage 2) For a modeling instructor Cynthia cannot do sexy face to save her marriage's life 3) Just no. Just no. no. no. NO! NONONONONONONO!
NeNe is traveling back and forth from LA because she's busy being an important actressy person. She's A-List
delusional, y'all! Anyway, she's back in ATL for Kandi's play. NeNe is all like damn, shudda grabbed that role in Kandi's play cause no one else in Hollywoooood wants to hire me!
Unfortunately, NeNe is having pains behind her boob. Maybe an implant popped loose during a NayNay episode? Gregg thinks it's gas. He suggests Tums. I think NeNe's gas pains were her ego deflating and stabbing her a bit. Like ooooohhhh… Trump Checks canceled! Whatever the case she misses the play and goes to the hospital where she is diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism. Too much yelling? NayNay needs a stress test.
Porsha Stewart is officially divorced. She celebrates by hanging a giant naked photo of herself over the mantle of her rent-a-mansion, Casa de Eviction. It turns out Porsha didn't get anything in the divorce. Except her Mama – and her mama's weave – being able to visit whenever they want! Mama Porsha is proud of her for never losing her spirit during this most trying and harrowing time. Porsha Gets Her Groove Back by tossing her engagement ring (which her mom calls a "goiter") into a glass of wine. As soon as her mom and sister left she grabbed that thing and hightailed it to the pawn shop.
Ms. 'I didn't get no alimony checks and need a job' finally shows up to rehearse for A Mother's Love on opening night. She lazes about, naps in the casting room, and then has a chat with lark about how she better get her lines right. Porsha complains that lark, the stage manager, does not like The Porsha Experience. Ahem…
Despite being totally unprepared, Porsha feels she's found her destiny. "Some stars were born, but I was made for this," Porsha quips. That makes ZERO sense. Please ride the underground train back to kindergarten. Hooked on phonics time!
The other drama is that Mama Joyce has yet to arrive. Kandi is worried as Mama Joyce is her "muse". If by muse she means manual on how NOT to act! Phaedra warns everyone that she has her Phaedra Sparks ready in case MJ does show up and gets ornery. "I've never tased anyone's parents," Phaedra adds.
Mama Joyce finally does arrive and jokes with Eddie Levert that she's not as bad as the play makes her out to be. But actually she's worse! I didn't see the act where she was featured ripping off her shoes in a bridal boutique to try and beat up Kandi's BFF.
The play is awesome. Porsha even did a good job. Congratulations Kandi and Todd – amazing job. Mama Joyce sat in the audience rocking a sour face the entire time. Afterwards the ladies are euphoric as they celebrate with Kandi on her accomplishment. Kandi explains to her mother that the play was inspired by actual events, and realizing she's lost the war, Mama Joyce waves the white flag and concedes that she and Kandi will have to agree to disagree regarding Todd. We all know the temporary truce does not last long!
Also making an official truce are Kenya and Cynthia. Kenya tells Cynthia she's stuck with her and they embrace. I guess we know what Kenya's getting in her mailbox – a friendship contract!
In the updates we learn that BarOne is still in limbo as Peter scrambles to find investors to bail out the underwater mortgage from the current property owners. Phaedra has no plans to represent Apollo in his upcoming legal cases. And Kenya and her invisible man plan to undergo IVF this June. So I predict invisible babies next season…
And that's where RHOA ends and WWHL begins!
NeNe sits down one-on-one with Andy Cohen to rehash this season's drama and to discuss the insanity of the reunion. It's of no surprise that NeNe blames "Krayonce" (still waiting for my credit for that one, Neens!) for the problems stating that she provoked Porsha repeatedly at the reunion, was sticking things in her face, and antagonizing her until Porsha snapped. From the looks of the preview, that is kinda what seemed to be happening. I mean Kenya has upped her props to include a megaphone and a giant wand from the Disney Delusional Collection for overgrown wannabe princesses.
NeNe insists that a similar thing happened at her Pillow Talk party where Kenya grabbed her ear and was begging for a reaction.
As for her friendship with Marlo Hampton, NeNe explains that Marlo was too needy and always expected NeNe to "help" her. NeNe didn't say that she had done enough by having her be a member of her bridemaid party and appear on I Dream of NeNe, but that was the read between the lines.
Basically Marlo caused a lot of problems with her famewhoring during the spinoff, so NeNe decided to take a break from her which is when Marlo got spiteful and started filming with Kenya. And she didn't tell NeNe about that. When NeNe discovered it she decided she was done with Marlo being a user.
"She didn’t tell me that she was filming with Kenya - and to me, it was like hiding something. It was shady to me," NeNe shared. "As much as we talked, she couldn’t pick up the phone to say, ‘Hey I’m filming with Kenya’? My exact words to her her were, ‘If you’re filming with Kenya, you will not be filming with me.'"
The three biggest shocks from the interview come in the following order
1) NeNe concedes she did not come off well this season and and she did not handle Kenya's masquerade charity well. She acknowledges she should have been the bigger person (literally) and used it as a teaching moment for girls who look up to her (literally), but instead she let NayNay creep out. She also states she and Kenya should have spoken beforehand to put drama aside for the sake of the now defunct charity.
2) NeNe does not want Kenya fired! "I think she is good for the show," NeNe readily admitted to a bemused Andy. "She's drama! She doesn't take her medication before shooting so I think she is great for the show!" NeNe even states that if she were in charge, she would definitely hire a "ding-dong like Kenya" for all the guaranteed drama she fabricates.
3) NeNe and Cynthia are officially NOT friends! Like they are so dead, Phaedra is funeral marching that friendship down the streets of Atlanta accompanied by a horse drawn carriage and burrying it next to Velvet. In fact, NeNe wants CYNTHIA fired! "I don't think Cynthia is really… bringing anything to the show," NeNe explains. First of all she calls Cynthia's on-screen life fake and basically point-blank states that the husband/kid storyline Cynthia presents to viewers is far from true.
Then she calls Cynthia wishy-washy and a fair weather friend! "I think she just blows whatever [the way] the wind blows," NeNe laments. Andy comments that Cynthia has always been loyal to NeNe. "Not really!" NeNe remarked, explaining that Cynthia has always been closest friends with whomever she's around. Interesting… "I think Cynthia was my friend – that's what I thought," NeNe clarified. Now, not so much!
"When you have a friend and they do something wrong, or something you don't like, I don't think you align yourself with the enemy," NeNe elaborates. "You stick with your friend." According to NeNe she offended Cynthia and instead of Cynthia telling her honestly she just defected and went and joined Team Kenya. "She ain't got my back… No," NeNe continued, insinuating that Cynthia betrayed her by talking about her with Kenya "like a dirty dog." As for the status of their relationship, NeNe sums it up thusly: "We're just not cool anymore!" WOW!
At the end of the interview NeNe commented wryly that it was a very different show than when she began and was ambivalent about how many more seasons she'd last. Hint, hint – hire me, anyone, hire me please! Get me away from Krayonce.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE FINALE? ARE YOU SURPRISED NENE AND CYNTHIA BROKE UP?