Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta was a modern day fairytale! Maidens dueled over the elusive Roger Bobb, prince of production-ville, NeNe Leakes was cursed by an evil gay and and was doomed to an episode of bad wigs, and Phaedra Parks turned to stone. Ahhh… love!
Before any of this happens we’re confronted with Mama Joyce. First thing, right out of the gate, like bad news before coffee in the morning that’s too early. Kandi Burruss‘ family is having a BBQ, she arrives with Todd, and she’s not speaking to Joyce because her boyfriend destroyed the house Kandi gave her, which Kandi, for some reason, didn’t know until after she bought MJ a new house. Things that make you go hmm…
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Joyce complains Kandi doesn’t appreciate what they were trying to do – she just wanted to help by putting new bathrooms in! Mama Joyce needs to look up the definitions of “appreciation” and “help” and “sane.”
It appears everyone at the party loves Todd – which HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Will the real opportunist please stand up? Hi, my name is… Mama Joyce. Eventually one of the aunts force Joyce and Kandi to have a sit-down. Immediately Joyce is all… the medication for my aneurism is making me feel faint, I haven’t the strength to fight. I don’t recall saying you need Jesus. Please, don’t hurt me. God are you there? Kandi falls for it immediately – Joyce is her kryptonite. Outside, Todd, (aka the only adult in this co-dependent mess) points out that Joyce only wants to stop fighting when she knows she’s in the wrong.
Mama Joyce: YOU need Jesus because surely that crazy-ass delusional behavior is the work of the devil! Exorcism By Bravo? #FixItJesus
At The Bailey Agency, new ‘friend’ of the Housewife Demetria McKinney wants Cynthia Bailey to help cast her music video. Peter arrives because what else does he have to do and because he’s going to assist or something. Cynthia is excited because working on music videos could be a prosperous new venture for she and Peter. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but nothing involving Peter is going to be “prosperous” but keep living on a prayer girl.
Demetria is having a video launch party, so she invites Cynthia, who suggests bringing along her friend Kenya Moore. Demetria bristles – not because she heard Krayonce may bust a scepter on her ass or burst into song about Winds that were once fabulous being gone – but because there were rumors Kenya was dating Roger Bobb, who happens to be Demetria’s manager/boyfriend. Cynthia and Peter have known Roger for years and never heard of this so-called girlfriend. Things that make you go hmmm… Cynthia insists it was just a group photo and Kenya is not dating Roger Bobb.
Just a warning this episode is brought to you by the phrase Roger Bobb, the letter “F” for Fake, Felicia, and Fabricated Storyline, and the number 340789 because that’s how many times “Roger Bobb” was said.
In Kenya-land she’s doing a photo shoot for her newest career as an acktruss. Cynthia is on hand to instruct Kenya on how to pose, because Kenya needs direction. Shouldn’t a former Miss WHO-S-A know how to work a camera? Or is that like a former supermodel not knowing how to walk a runway? Claudia Jordan meets them there wearing a full-length duster coat worn over hot pants. Kenya doesn’t know how she and Claudia are single (ahem… crazy!), but she’s ready to date and Claudia should be too. After all, Claudia started planning a wedding to her cat! Kenya gushes about how Team Pretty is the modern-day Sex And The City. Kenya is the Carrie! Krayonce comparing herself to Carrie Bradshaw… somebody’s been taking one too many Buzzfeed quizzes!
Kenya has an excellent idea – she’ll fix Claudia up with Roger Bobb! He’s perfect: successful, rich, handsome, single… Oh wait – not single! He confirms he’s actually dating Demetria, whom Kenya has never heard of either. It turns out Kenya and Roger Bobb have worked together for years. They meet to discuss producing her new sitcom, because although Roger Bobb’s LinkedIn Page lists his profession as “Professional Housewives Dater looking for a storyline” he actually used to work with Tyler Perry. Which means NeNe Leakes must know him too.
Speaking of NeNe, she’s in Florida to launch The NeNe Leakes Collection: Kaftans, and Tents and Muumuus – Oh My! Bringing High Fash-SHION Realness at any size. NeNe gushes about always needing “one gay” working with her because gays are very special people and the ultimate accessory to a fabulous female. Forget the “cold-shoulder tee” every gal needs a gay to advise her, run her errands, fluff her pillows, and be a companion – oh and do all the work designing her collection for her!
Let’s be honest – no one cares about NeNe’s clothing, because we were all riveted by that wig! It was extra-crispy deep fried and died ramen noodle and like my Barbie’s hair after I cut and styled it with my mom’s pinking sheers. NeNe’s extra-special gay must have tired of her telling him he is part of the NeNe Leakes Collection, available in sizes 2 – 24 and for sale on HSN so that all her fans can get the ‘NeNe Experience’ so he enacted revenge with that hair-helmet. Lawd… get that girl a mirror and a Kim Zolciak wig for Christmas. And please let Gregg off that order that decrees he must be within 10 feet of NeNe at all times. Is she afraid he’ll start dating Roger Bobb if she leaves him alone for 5 minutes?!
Back in Atlanta Phaedra and Kandi get together and Kandi has a surprise: her cousin/surrogate son Melvin is here to edumacate Phaedra all about how to handle Apollo going to prison and if she should tell Ayden and Dylan. Phaedra appreciates Kandi trying to help, but she wants to pretend that whole episode of her life named “Apollo” doesn’t exist, it was a long and terrible nightmare when she was under an evil witches spell. She should have let Kenya have ’em – or added him to the Roger Bobb RHOA harem!
Demetria’s music video debut arrived and all the ladies are present and accounted for except NeNe, who is at home in a cold-shoulder tee letting a gay stroke her hair while Gregg is chained in his cave in the basement with his toilet mug. Phaedra is relieved to have a girls night out away from the tension of Apollo’s moodiness, and away from the children Apollo ignores.
Claudia grills Demetria on the nature of her relationships with Roger Bobb -they’ve been on and off for 7 years, and she’d accept a marriage proposal if he gave her a cheerio for a ring – but where is Roger Bobb!? Well nowhere to be found on his girlfriend’s big night. Things That Make You Go Hmmm…
When Kenya arrives, late and all dressed up, Demetria immediately marches up and announces that SHE IS DATING ROGER BOBB! Krayonce explains the blogs are always claiming her of dating men she’s not – sometimes men she’s never even met. Well in fairness to the blogs, Krayonce is always pretending to date men she’s not actually dating (Walter), or men she’s never even met – or hell, men that don’t exist… Kenya also assures Demetria she does not want any one else’s man – even if he is THE Roger Bobb! No, Krayonce never wants anyone else’s man! Rest assured of that – but she will flirt and text like hell with your man.
Furthermore, Kenya is pissed – she only came to this party hoping Roger Bobb could introduce her to people in the industry so she could further own career, now she has to hang out with his low-rent pseudo girlfriend and make nice. Luckily, something juicy does happen. Nom, nom, nom… popcorn time because look what the cops dragged in: Apollo!
While Demetria is having all kinds of technical difficulties from side-boob, to missing boyfriends, to videos that won’t play, Apollo waltzes through the door, plops down next to Phaedra and starts threatening that if she doesn’t play nice, he’ll make a scene. It was so disgustingly creepy; Apollo grabbed Phaedra in a side-hug, squeezing her close to him, while she froze. Everyone else froze too – and stared.
Cynthia announces that Ms. Southern Belle’s slip is showing. Just shut-up Kenya 2.0 – Krayonce must be holding cue-cards for you in the interviews. Just because Cynthia is fine with her huzzzzband making a fool of her, doesn’t mean Phaedra should be!
To Phaedra’s credit, she kept that poker face, iced Apollo out, and did not react – but she wondered why if Apollo wants to talk he never comes home, and if he wants to work on their marriage why is he out running around, ignoring her, and trying to make scenes? Then Phaedra started digging through her purse – probably making sure he didn’t pickpocket her credit card, but she did not look at him the entire time.
Apollo told Phaedra he loves her, even if she doesn’t love him and that they’re going to work on their marriage. Phaedra doesn’t respond. Later on WWHL she told Andy they are “resolving to dissolve this marriage” which is the new “conscious uncoupling”! (recap of that coming up soon) She’s also wondering if Roger Bobb is single.
TELL US – WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT ROGER BOBB? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH APOLLO?!
[Photo Credits: Bravo]