Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills it was all about Brandi Glanville blaming it all on the al-al-al-cohollll! This was the tale of two addicts acting as each-others enablers, and one Kyle Richards who needs al-anon (I say that without shade).
So here we are at Eileen Davidson‘s house where Kyle and Brandi are sobbing, shrieking, and shoving each other in the driveway. I’m pretty sure we learned in kindergarten to use conversation to solve problems, not name-calling, cuss words, gift bags, hands, side-boobs, bracelets, wine, or pizza?! Or Eileen’s driveway!
And while Kyle and Brandi are arguing over who gets custody of Kim Richards, Kim is standing their like “Duuuuuuude… I’m high. Where’s my pizza?” Literally she asked Brandi what happened to the pizza slice – well Brandi threw at your sister, Kim. I would say go grab another one but you’re probably banned from Eileen’s home!
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I’m pretty sure Brandi wants to kill-off Kyle and become the third Richards sister. Sadly, Kathy, Kim, and Boozdi doesn’t have the same ring to it! I wouldn’t want to claim Kim, but Brandi loves the crazy. Eileen said it best, “Brandi is addicted to chaos.” And whatever kind of relationship Kim and Brandi have it is giving me the creeps.
Eventually Lisa Rinna goes outside to see if she should call the cops or the paramedics or get her taser, and that’s when Kim starts crying that this is all Lipsa’s fault for telling Kyle she was on something in the car. Her blaming Lipsa is the surest sign we have that girl is wasted!
Apparently Boozdi is upset that Kyle has not been there enough for Kim, because while Kyle was hair-flipping around the world telling us about her $25,000 sunglasses, Brandi was comforting Rambles through umpteen personal tragedies. Now she’s lording that over Kyle and accusing her of ditching her sister in her time of need. It was bizarre as hell.
Brandi has been there for a year or two, sporadically, but Kyle has been saving Kim’s ass for years, and maybe she RIGHTFULLY needs a break sometimes to focus on her own life. Kyle has a lot of shopping, crying, and laundry mis-education to do!
Beverly Hills Horror Story: Freak Show next act takes place in from of the garage, where Vince happens to be watching from the garage window, probably on the phone with 9-1-1, while simultaneously texting TMZ. I wish he would have turned the hose on those bitches. Brandi insists Kyle did her permanent damage to her arm by scratching it.
Brandi tells Kyle to “Bring it bitch!” and says, “Wanna see ghetto?!” (we aren’t already witnessing “ghetto?!”) So Kyle takes her shoes off and stomps away while Kim cries. Here’s the thing. NO BRANDI – we don’t want to see ghetto, this is Beverly Hills. Also, the only American Psycho happening in Eileen’s house is you, in combination with House of Horrors Kim.
Brandi continues whining that Kyle scratched her arm. Eileen side-eyes her dangerously and replies drily, “Oh shut-up. How ’bout a little Neosporin.” I love you Eileen Davidson and I fully understand why Brandi has been stalking you. Then she throws those two hussies of horror out.
Lipsa decided there was no way in hell she was getting back in the car with Rambles the Superhigh Housewife, and decided to ride with Kyle. Boozdi and Rambles ride home together, to their double-wide trailer, slurring about how they got the cutest macrame cat ornaments at Dollar Tree, or whatever.
In the other car, Kyle is frozen in shock, and Lipsa announces Brandi is an addict who needs rehab and Kyle needs to stop covering for Kim. Yes. and Yes.
Freed from trampsanity, Eileen guzzles a bottle of wine and vows never to have another party again. I’ve noticed a pattern here: every RHOBH Party from Hell is because of Brandi in combination with the Richards sisters. No class, all trash!
Of course, Lisa Vanderpump has been occupying herself with replacing the RHOBH cast with dogs – she has approximately 7 of them now and is about to add one more! Her golden retriever Rumpy has found love with an overweight golden retriever who has a thyroid problem. Lisa promptly renames her “Plumpy” and takes that wayward stray in too. She prides herself on raising a dog child who values mind over looks.
Oh yeah, Yolanda Foster is still campaigning for the title of Mother of The Year. With Gigi and Bella off doing Vogue covers and driving drunk, she’s now obsessing about son Anwar. I’m officially bored of Yolanda’s storyline: I have lyme. I have My Love. He has Grammys. Fire up the private jet to luxury-land. I have a fridge. I have kids whom I raise perfectly even if they’re not doing the perfect thing, it is not my fault because I was the perfect supportive perfect encouraging perfect doting perfect mother.
Upon hearing of the drama at Eileen’s, aghast perfect-mother Yolanda declares such shenanigans unacceptable. “What mothers get into physical fights?” she states. Oh probably the same mothers who accuse another woman’s husband of threatening her by standing next to her at a party!
Brandi invites her friend Jennifer Gimenz a PROFESSIONAL SOBER COACH over so she can dismantle her behavior at Eileen’s. I have no idea what was said because Jennifer’s cheeks were so hot pink they looked radioactive, and I cannot get past the irony that this person is a sober coach who is best friends with Boozdi, the wicked drunk of the west. Brandi doesn’t plan to apologize for her behavior, by the way.
In the middle of all of this Kyle learns that Kim is in the hospital for a mysterious illness, because she’s in pain. Sure it’s not a mental institution because she is a PAIN?! Kyle tells Mauricio who responds with with “wooooooowwwwwww.” However his expression said, “Bored. Do not care. Don’t want to hear it. How much is this going to cost me? Do not send her Chanel flowers. I have to visit? Ugh. Hope they’re keeping her forever. I am not feeding that crazy-ass dog, either. Brandi – who? Oh right, the tall one who never wears clothes and got so drunk she pissed in the Chanel dog bowl last time.”
Eileen fills LVP in on the horrifying events of poker night, and Lisa is unsurprised. Then they tour her closet and Eileen thought she had died and gone to heaven, and she also understand why Lisa has attack swans guarding the premises.
They go over to Lipsa’s for a jewelry party to raise money for cancer. Kyle plans to ignore Brandi, which it turns out is not possible because Brandi has come dressed as a low-rent Erin Brockovich and her hair is so crunchy and filthy one could not look away. Brandi announced she was dressed “conservatively” for parent-teacher conferences. I. Kid. You. Not. Mother of the century Yolanda spends the entire party trying to cover Brandi with a tablecloth. “But B, it’s really cute if you just cinch at the waist.” Brandi spent the entire party looking for booze – there was none, but there was an entire group of people to remind her of her past indignities and vile behavior!
Let’s start with Yolanda who scolded Brandi about getting drunk. Brandi purses her lips and stonewalls. Last season Yolanda was telling Lisa not to “mother and smother” Brandi, this season Yolanda, is dealing with Brandi without the aide of Lisa, and cannot refrain from using her perfect motherhood expertise. Brandi gets annoyed and we all know who is getting The Lisa Treatment next season! Better hope Yo (or David) don’t have any
hoochies skeletons in their closet…
Brandi insists her actions were because Kim needs more support and she is being that person for Kim. The only person who co-signs this plan is Maurice who really wants to wash his hands of the whole Rambles mess. But in truth both Brandi needs her own support team. Those that can’t do, also shouldn’t teach in this case!
Eileen comes over to speak to Brandi about how offended she was by Brandi’s comments regarding her home, saying the F-word while Eileen’s child was asleep upstairs and for behaving so distress-fully. She wants to just be upfront and she hopes Brandi isn’t a “mean girl,” because thats how her actions appear. Brandi offers the most empty apology ever and stares off into space.
Eileen has no idea how to react. In confessional Brandi denounces the women as “uptight” because “f–k is just a word!” I tend to consider women who don’t drop f-bombs near kids, aren’t constantly drunk and keep their tits covered ADULTS, not uptight bitches. My bad. And yes, Brandi is a mean girl. What you see is what you get: inconsiderate, always in a state of intoxication or undress, crass, trashy, and hopefully soon UNINVITED. Of course as we find out next week uninvited doesn’t seem to matter.
We close out with Kyle meeting Lisa for a drink to tell her she is officially done with Brandi. “It’s not that I can’t forgive Brandi for what happened, I don’t want to,” she explains. Lisa is bored. She watches the waitstaff behind Kyle. She sighs, and reminds Kyle, again that Brandi is predictable and will do this over and over.
Convenient how Kyle has learned this lesson now, but last season, when Brandi was trashing Lisa constantly and conspiring against her two-faced Kyle was all the too-willing supporter and participant. “I tend to be, once-bitten twice shy shy shy shy,” reminds Lisa. And if Kyle thinks Lisa has forgotten her bites, Kyle is wrong there too.
TELL US – WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON THIS EPISODE? DOES BRANDI NEED REHAB?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]