rhobh-recap-brandi-kim

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills everyone corralled their best “gays” and trotted them around the ring in Kyle Richards Boners Cup Classic! Unfortunately objectifying “gays” took a backseat to objectifying sanity when Brandi Glanville stormed the premises and a custody battle over Kim Richards erupted. Poor gays – always the bottoms, never the tops!

Before I continue with this recap I have two points to make:

1) Can we stop with the “My gays”? No one has “gays!” Just like no one has “heteros!” I loathe the so-called possession and ownership of “gays.” Gay people are just people, who are not ubiquitously defined by their sexuality no matter what Real Housewives want us to think. Plus, whatever “gays” Kyle has cobbled together, they clearly do not love her that much to let her dress that bad! Maybe it’s passive-aggressive payback for her leading them around LA referring to them as My Gay 1, My Gay Blonde, My Gay Ladysitter… 

2) Why the hell would anyone fight for possession of “My Kim”? They do realize Kims come with Kingsley. And also, at the end of the day (HA!), it’s still Kim – who is praying to a trashcan and speaking gobbledy-goop, insisting it’s a language you just haven’t learned yet! It’s just Kim taking cancer medication as a fun-zany experiment while she accidentally smokes a dildo because she confused it with the e-cigarette she bought from that kiosk in the mall, on Tuesday, errrrr… I mean Wednesday, errrr… I mean during the 9, uhhhh 7, uuummmm 5 days she was in Promises Malibu the hospital working on her tan!  

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Furthermore, what Brandi and Kyle are fighting over – it goes so much deeper than Kim. Kim is a symptom of their disease, a pawn in whatever long-con Brandi is working and whatever latent-childhood issues Kyle feels she has to prove. (Please note: I’m not blaming Kyle, I’m empathetic to the havoc addiction and dysfunction wreak on a family.) Brandi has NO PLACE intruding in that, waltzing in, in some bootleg figure-skating costume, trying to tell Kyle how to be a sister to Kim because she held Kim’s hair back after “bad seafood” that one time and took her to the temple of trash – was it last week, or yesterday? 

So with all that goobledry-goop out of the way, let’s get started. 

There is a shortage of tops in Hollywood and Kyle is going to save them all by hosting a “Bottoms & Tops” party. She’s soooooo edgy. She knows what Grindr is – she sent Alexia to college with one to make coffee! Everyone is to bring their best gays, then all the married wannabe edgy Housewives will stand around and observe their mating rituals while playing party games and sipping cocktails named “Cherry popped.” Isn’t it fun! And edgy! No. It’s stupid. Thankfully Brandi saved us the cringe-inducing agony of having to observe such awkward encounters by providing a far more awkward one. If you’re gonna crash a party, go big until you’re kicked out and sent home! More on that later…

Kyle reveals if she were gay, she’d be a top because she likes to be in control. <hair flip>. See what I mean about the pathology of Kyle’s situation with Kim playing out. I love playing twitter psychologist!

By the way, Brandi is not invited to said party because her gays are not worthy of Kyle’s gays. Or she may attempt to hump a gay confusing it with David Foster after dumping wine on another gay’s face, confusing it with LeAnn Rimes, who she totally confused with Eileen Davidson. Luckily she can ignore all her own problems by sorting Kim’s out! 

lisa vanderpump's son max wants to find his biological family

At Lisa Vanderpump‘s house her son Max has finally shaved his porn-stache (hoping Ron Jeremy is his bio-father?!), but has started asking questions about his ancestry and biological parentage. Lisa is worried, and emotional, and all the things I imagine any adoptive parent feels when they trepidatiously enter those waters.

Max has never asked before, and despite Ken reassuring him that his mother is Japanese and his mother Nigerian, Max wants more solid answers. He wants his given name, before the adoption. Lisa is hesitant to reveal it to him – probably because she doesn’t want it on RHOBH which makes sense. This sweet, loving, and normally handled familial scene is quickly interchanged with the dramas of the Codependent Sisters Richards and their +1 Boozdi. Three’s Not Company in this instance. 

Yolanda Foster is ignoring gays to pay attention to My Love, her maid, and George Clooney, but not Anwar (it always sounds like she’s saying “Underwear”). She’s leaving Anwar at home so she can globe-trot to Italy and hobnob with the A-list elite as My Love is doing something that involves George Clooney getting an award.

YoFridgidaire certainly isn’t going to let lyme stop her from A-list cavorting – she’ll wheel that hospital bed right into the gala, dress it up black tie, and have her hospital gown bedazzled. As for Anwar, the tutor and the maid and possibly Mohamed is in charge. Yolanda thinks it’s good to leave kids home alone and give them independence. My Love before My Children is her motto, apparently. 

kim ricahrds is home from the hospital; conspiring with brandi glanville

Rambles is home from the hospital, and judging by how radioactively orange she is, while there she had unlimited access to a spray tanning booth. Kim went to the hospital for “pain.” It was painful. The pain. The pain was so bad. She alternately tells Kyle and Brandi different stories about the events leading up to the hospital, yadda, yadda – now she’s home. Now she’s orange! Now she just wants Brandi and Kyle to be BFF and push her around in a stroller like their little Kim-doll! Maybe Kyle can throw a mixer to set Kim up – bring your best Crazy and we’ll all play the Guess My Kimpersonality game. The denial, almost as reeking as the delusion. 

Based on the state of Kim’s hot pink blush, I believe she is in no condition to care for herself. Kim rambles about how much pain she was in, she had a hernia, she didn’t want to leave Monty so he gave her a cancer pill. It makes no sense.With Kyle she expresses remorse for making a bad choice, with Brandi she’s like teehee. I’m silly. I’ll tell you what’s painful, listening to Kim’s excuses being enabled by Brandi’s denial, while being forced to look at Kim’s janky makeup as she waves an e-cigarette. 

Also painful watching Brandi and Kyle passive-aggressively fight over Kim. I get why Kyle cares, but Brandi… it confounds me. Naturally we are forced to rehash the drama at Eileen’s poker night. Conveniently Kim doesn’t remember much, but she does remember that it’s ALL KYLE’S FAULT for making a spectacle of Kim’s behavior!

Brandi wanted to protect Kim from Kyle, who uses Kim to make herself feel better. “I just feel you were better off with me, than her,” explains Brandi. “Kyle, where were you all those nights when she was having trauma and I called you and you were like, ‘Can’t help you,” Brandi regales to Kim. Oh I dunno, maybe Kyle was with her HUSBAND or her CHILDREN or running Kaftans by KyleneToo or f–king SLEEPING or getting her hair done… Did I mention Kyle has 4 children (none of whom can tell a Chanel washing machine from a Chanel tuna sandwich), but Kim is not one of those children.  That’s a thought – maybe if Kim tattooed a Chanel logo on her chest, Kyle would care more. I kid, I kid! 

kim richards confronts kyle richards about her friendship with brandi glanville

“Who is Brandi to compare and say that I haven’t been there for Kim?” Kyle wonders. Precisely. “I have always been there for my sister – Kim and I both know that – and for Brandi to come in after a hot minute and to suggest otherwise is a slap in my face!” TRUTH. Of course, the other problem lies with KIM, who should remind Brandi of the TRUTH, and defend Kyle. 

Kim describes Brandi as one of her “closest friends” who is enabling supporting her. “I don’t need any fake support [IMPLIED KYLE],” Kim quips. “I feel like my sister doesn’t make time for me – and it hurts my feelings.” To Kyle, Kim says hollowly, “You’ve always been my best friend – we’re sisters. Nobody can come between us.” 

After all the drama, Kim decides the best way to handle it is to not, by inviting Brandi as her +1 to Kyle’s gay mixer. Ignoring the fact that Brandi is neither a gay male, no matter how many strap-ons she owns, nor getting along with Kyle. Kim decides it’s fine and that Kyle won’t mind at all – and she doesn’t tell Kyle to expect Brandi! Truthfully Kim seems to be eating up all the attention with a spoon dipped in acid-laced pudding! 

Now it’s gay mixer time. Everyone was having fun. Lisa Rinna and LVP played the celebrity game to perfection by re-enacting Katy Perry’s I Kissed A Girl the PG-middle-aged mom version with a gentle, barely lipgloss grazing peck. “Lisa smells like roses,” Lipsa laughed! Everyone’s gays mingled and jingled. There was no drama…

And then, in like a Dementor, her face hooded by extensions, her claws disguised by Jamberrys, her eyes sheathed by false eyelashes, came Brandi. A hush entered the room and no one moved. Kim skipped in first, showing off her hospital scrubs and straightjacket re-purposed as as a jumpsuit. “Should I be on Project Runway?!” she exclaimed. “Oh look who I brought – it’s Brandi! FUN TIME! Let’s just all get along!” 

Beverly Hills Horror Story: Homosexuals Haunted took an ugly turn as the freaks invaded the otherwise sacred enclave. Kyle tried to make nice – she really did – if only to prove to people she’s the bigger person, but I’m all for Kyle’s fakeness at times like this. She walked up to Brandi, she air-kissed her, she apologized for part in the drama at Eileen’s. Brandi scoffs, an apology with a “but” is hardly an apology – she would know she’s cornered the market and ™’d that. She does not apologize. She rebuff’s Kyle’s apology. 

It escalates from there. Badly, quickly, brusquely. The other ladies scatter, hiding under tables, using gigantic clutches and Birkin bags to shield their perfectly coiffed hair.

brandi glanville and kyle richards nearly come to blows

Brandi stoops low but proves herself a top by towering over Kyle and threatening to knock her teeth in, by labeling her a bad sister who doesn’t care about Kim and is only nice to her when it’s convenient or she wants attention. “She’s a horrible person,” she snaps. Brandi accuses Kyle of trying to air all of Kim’s dirty laundry – and Kim chimes in that Kyle does that. Kyle is shocked. She calls Brandi out on hiding behind her “Truths!”

Kyle tries to get Kim alone to ask how she can let this Dementor in a figure-skating costume come between them. But Brandi marches over, wielding a cocktail glass and an insult like a cipher. “GO away Kyle. Nobody wants you -including your husband!” Once again, Brandi would know – she’s cornered the market on husbands not wanting you.™

Kyle’s cheeks flushed and she grabbed her face. She was speechless. What is Brandi doing – is trying to SWF Kyle and kill her off, so she can replace her? Then she can steal Kim’s house too! No more renting, right!?

This theme, passive-aggressively on Kim’s part and aggressively on Brandi’s, of blaming Kyle for everything is tired. Of what business is it of Brandi’s to appear, as Kyle said, after 6 months of friendship to dissect and insert herself into Kim and Kyle’s relationship? What qualifies her as an expert – those that can’t do, certainly can’t teach – especially where dysfunction is concerned. 

Brandi will turn on Kim, just like she turned on Adrienne and then Lisa,” Kyle predicts, turning herself into the inevitable Allison DuBois. “I just hope Kim is prepared.”

Brandi and Kyle both use people, they both have proven to be fair-weather friends (“friends” – family is different!) none of that makes Brandi’s actions acceptable. Brandi is using Kim to validate herself, to prove that she’s not the most messed up broad in the room.  

kyle richards tells brandi glanville to f--k off

As for Kim – as Kyle said, how could she stand there and let Brandi say those things to her and not defend her? That ugly-ass jumpsuit and terrible makeup serves the bitch right! 

And damn you Brandi Glanville for making me feel bad for Kyle Richards, and totally and utterly, take her side. I hope Kyle gives Brandi fifty lashes with a hair whip, and then hops on the Private Aerial Palace de Foster Eleganza Of Global Intrepid Travels (E.G.O.T for short), LVP in tow, to George Clooney’s party, where he will fluff Giggy’s hair and compliment Kyle’s ability to splits in a kaftan. 

Also Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick was there, but she was out-morally corrupted by Brandi Glanville

TELL US – WTF?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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