Real Housewives Of Atlanta‘s “Chocolate Tales” have taken on Willy Wonkian-proportions. Apparently no one fact checked their golden ticket to drama before dipping a toe into the chocolate river. Are Housewives required the same due-diligence as researchers when regarding inner-personal matters of distorted rumors? Can one rely on Apollo for any sort of “evidence” – particularly in regards to “texes.” Never fear – Dr. NeNe Leakes has the cure!
According to Cynthia, she simply brought up the affair situation because they were having a group “conversation” and she wanted to know if it was true. If Phaedra is involved with Prince Chocolatier from the ChocAfrica, she should have just admitted it! Cause they would all be so accepting and supportive, uh-huh.
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Cynthia was simply defending her dear friend Kenya Moore, poor maligned Krayonce, who has been SO victimized, was shocked to learn of the atrocious double-standard whoreisms. And to learn THE TRUTH! – straight from the felon’s mouth – that Phaedra is a skanky hoe, was just too much so she had to assert herself. Because floating beneath the fabulous winds of gone, beneath our misty water-colored memories, is the reality of how Kenya has never done anything wrong, not once, not never, and is pure as the freshly fallen snow and has been vindicated.
I think Kenya should start making t-shirts: I’m Gone With The Wind Vindicated! “You say I’m an adulteress who is inappropriate with another woman’s husband, I say I’m vindicated against lies, by believing a lie from a liar! Now twirl! Now go to prison! Now use that pocketbook like a weapon! Now go to lunch with Porsha Williams and pour the tea extra dense!
Which is exactly what Phaedra did – she went to lunch with PoorTaste, who was wearing her Cynthia wig with push-up bra. Buick Thunder needs to take the goods on parade down by several notches. Several. How many licks does it take to get to the center of Porsha’s Tootsie Roll Pop? None, hard candy shell does not exist.
Likewise, Phaedra has no time for Cynthia’s shenanigans, transparent as they are, and wonders what she did to deserve this treatment from Ghost of Season’s past, FrankenCynthia? Porsha wants it known that those in foreclosed homes (not including herself, naturally) should not throw eviction notices, because it is well-established that Peter and Cynthia have lawsuits, debts to everyone, and Peachter is opening a bar a’minute, right along with opening other woman’s legs! But these two pure southern belle christians, they shall not judge, because lawd knows they don’t need to be judged! That’s what denial is for, right?!
Instead let’s start another Underground Rumor Railroad! I heard Phaedra’s African prince started herpes! And bought her a solid gold .357 Magnum. And Prince Chocolatier is the reason Apollo went to prison. And she is destroying lives and covering up with embalming! Don’t laugh, however, because then you’re a whore too! Whore by association – or just whore by way of dress? Or is that judging a book by its cover – wait Porsha is too stupid to be anything but a barely covered book and she certainly can’t read, although she can read better than Cynthia. Hyperbole has taken over, here. Girl Bye!
Two things: 1) What the hell is it of Cynthia’s business to get messy with Phaedra? Phaedra is right, they were always “cool” with each other and never had issues. 2) Kenya relying on Apollo’s word is stupid. Phaedra needs to have a conversation with Kenya, and they should both stop paying Apollo any anything – including his commissary fund.
Porsha also wants to know why Kandi Burruss has disappeared on Phaedra. The simple answer: she was tired of drama and didn’t want to let a good beef flank go to waste – after all, she’s not getting any at home!
Kandi and Todd are in marriage counseling like 2 minutes after they said “I Do.” Since they are really determined to make this marriage work, they are going to the same doctor who “helped” Porsha and Kordell.
Basically Todd is annoyed – rightfully so – about how callous Kandi was about the prenup. He’s hurt that love wasn’t more important than money. Kandi’s excuse: more money, more Mama Joyce problems and out of all 99 problems that her mama caused, she decided to ignore all but one – the prenup!
Kandi doesn’t understand that because Todd is hurting, he’s been distant, which is why their sex life has evaporated. Instead, Kandi, drinking Mama Chokehold‘s Fool-Aid wonders if he’s cheating.
So, everyone in Atlanta 1) cheats 2) gets butt implants c) has a mysterious African prince d) is a whore. What is Atlanta the seventh circle of hell, as established by the Devil in the details, of Andy Cohen?
The therapist gives them homework – make connection a priority, think sexy. Kandi takes that to heart by wearing Porsha’s sheer dress to Peter’s Excellence Awards! Yes, that really happened! Peter created a fake excellence awards ceremony. Using the words “Peter” and “excellence” in a sentence together, has to be sarcasm, right?
FrankenCynthia explains why Peachter is qualified to be assessing excellence by stumbling over his accomplishments just like she stumbled over reading Phaedra last week. Does she stutter when she lies?
Cynthia stood around talking about how her butt magically doubled in size. Since everyone on RHOA naturally ends up with a huge booty, next season Clawdia will have 2 fake peaches shoved down her pants while claiming her butt is real. Demetria stood there smiling vacantly like the empty tootsie roll wrapper she is.
Then they circle around Kandi like vipers, seeking information on Phaedra’s affair. I have to commend Kandi, she defended Phaedra without fanning the flames of the Team Petty, who have gas cans stuffed in their Firkins ready to burn Phaedra at the stake. I do imagine, Phaedra has already embalmed herself and is therefore incapable of a true roasting. Mentally she is embalmed, if nothing else. Kenya is beating this ‘I was called a WHORE and deserve justice!’ stallion booty until nothing is left but the plastic bag that once held the silicone.
Kandi says Cynthia’s involvement is perplexing but she’s been dealing with her own issues and is tired of every situation being a fight. Team Petty is desperate to fold Kandi into their circle. They even give her an excellence award, which Kandi graciously accepts and doesn’t laugh at.
Across the room, behaving excellently, Peter corners Todd about the texts. Todd seems unbothered, like yeah we saw them, Kandi knew. Very shady that Kandi did not tell Phaedra, her supposed good friend. Maybe they just thought it was all BS?
While Kandi is accepting her award, Krayonce whispers that Kandi so knows Phaedra was cheating. Krayonce and FrankenCynthia need to stop. Yes, Phaedra owes Kenya an apology. But Miss. Who-S-A irrelevant needs to stop being messy and conniving.
Finally, Phaedra and Cynthia meet one-on-one. Cynthia stumbles through insisting she had no “malicious intent” when she accused Phaedra of having an affair in front of the group – she was just trying got have a “conversation.” Right. Mmmkay.
Phaedra says Cynthia should have “fact checked” before making accusations, but Cynthia reading cue cards from Kenya behind Phaedra’s head, says Phaedra should have fact checked Apollo before making accusations bout Kenya. Le sigh…
Not the same situation: peaches and bananas. Kenya was SEEN behaving inappropriately with Apollo and LIED about her relationship with Walter. Then she brought up the texts from Apollo, alluding that they were salacious. In those texts Kenya referred to Apollo as “babe” and “honey.” Phaedra doubled-down defending her husband, sadly saying many unsavory and low-brow things to Kenya, but Kenya was not innocent. Second of all, Apollo who admitted to lying about Kenya, is now making the same accusations bout Phaedra and everyone is rushing to believe them? Kenya and Ko. are desperate to scratch any storyline into the sand.
Phaedra responds by fact checking Cynthia’s irrelevance and walking out. Ghost, bye! Phaedra may be full of it, but she is not a Phooldra.
Speaking of fools, a fool and her money are soon parted when Mama Joyce has your debit card! Kandi, with all the disappointment with her marriage and her play, has been keeping her distance. Joyce meets Kandi at Tags Boutique because she no longer wants the house Kandi just bought her, instead preferring to move back to the house Kandi gave her, which Mama No Money Bags’ boyfriend destroyed because Kandi just re-renovated it. Joyce returns the new houses keys then asks Kandi why she’s changed.
Kandi cries with frustration. Thankfully Kandi does not betray her marriage, instead she asks Joyce to please try with Todd, and Joyce hollowly promises too. Kandi needs to be emancipated from her mother.
NeNe has decided the ladies need a psychologist – a real live Head Doctor, if you will! Friend Psychologist is the new Friend Contract. Don’t burn the doctor when things go wrong, girls! Dr. Jeff promises to call NeNe out, too, if need be. Need will be.
NeNe hosts a lunch to pitch the idea. She did not invite Phaedra or Kenya, because she wanted everyone to behave like “grown women.” Grown-Up Cynthia starts arguing with NeNe immediately and questioning her intentions. Let’s all get Cynthia a dictionary with the word “conversation” highlighted in pink – she appears to like that color.
Cynthia seems very bitter about NeNe, particularly bitter about NeNe and Phaedra being friendly… What is going on here? Spanx too tight?
NeNe wants Dr. Jeff to help the group work through some of their deep issues to move forward. Like Clawdia’s DEEP ISSUE of NeNe judging her and calling her a whore. Which Claudia brings up again! She just wants answers about why NeNe doesn’t like her. Clawdia – honestly, enough with the whore-whining. Take the apology and run on your struggle toes FORWARD towards a different topic.
Nevertheless everyone agrees to attend except Kandi, who has enough happening in her life and doesn’t have time for more drama. As the other ladies leave, NeNe and Porsha tell Kandi that Phaedra feels unsupported by her. “You and have Phaedra have not been close,” warns NeNe, encouraging Kandi to salvage their friendship.
Kandi and Phaedra’s fractures started with Kandi believing Apollo should be able to see his sons in prison, and Phaedra feeling like Kandi was choosing Apollo’s friendship over hers. It exacerbated when Kandi didn’t defend Phaedra thusly to Kenya and Cynthia. “You should be 100% Phaedra and it feels like you’re divided,” explains Porsha. Kandi agrees to try counseling.
Next week, NeNe thinks SHE is the therapist and doesn’t want counseling! Ironic that she’s wearing a flight suit as she flees the session, right?!
TELL US – DID CYNTHIA HAVE MALICIOUS INTENT? IS KANDI BEING AN UNSUPPORTIVE FRIEND TO PHAEDRA OR JUST TOO OVER-WHELMED WITH HER OWN ISSUES?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]