The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion kicked off with plenty of unflattering metaphors for Brandi Glanville, who lived up to every single one of them!

I don’t want to sound like I’m bullying Brandi, but here’s the thing: if she would just own maybe a smidgen of her behavior or actions (and apologize without conditions) I think it would go a long way in everyone believing that she has a good heart, is good a mother, and is a person who at least on occasion behaves like an adult. Instead Brandi resorts to accusing Lisa Vanderpump (who can’t even be bothered to put out for Ken more than twice a year) of being desperate for the 23-year-old manwand of her son’s childhood bestie. This is because LVP called Brandi out for being too drunk too f–k her Amsterdam-ian fling (according to Andre, who unfortunately was not Skyped during the reunion!) 

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Yes, the biggest topic of the reunion is how Brandi and her love of Da’Booze have been a big old slurry problem. As LVP explains, “Brandi’s drinking, she ends up aggressive. It might not be her problem, but it sure ends up as ours!” 

But first I’d like to discuss Brandi’s dress. Was it a dress? Or was she actually wearing only Spanx? Drinking & Dressing? Or perhaps Kanye designed it? Whatever – it’s unflattering and doesn’t fit. Kyle Richards looks phenomenal. Having a worthy target to direct all her hate really agrees with her! So do side-parts and I noticed there was nary a *hair flip* all night. I think she was afraid of dislodging her high-end Japanese tracks (+1 if you get the WWHL reference). 

The reunion opens with the sad reveal that Kyle hasn’t spoken to Kim Richards in 3 or 4 months. Naturally Kim blames the ladies of RHOBH for being meddling interfering interlopers who don’t understand her super sobery-soberness which she won an award for from the Queen of Planet Trash, at whose altar KimKillah prays. 

Kim is fine with being away from Kyle because she’s happier without her. Subtext: Kyle’s replacement BRANDI doesn’t call her out or hold her responsible for her behavior. Enabler’s paradise! Kyle’s lips tremble but Vince has been giving her lessons in poker face and she holds it together. 

Speaking of, Eileen Davidson and Vince laugh about his head floating in the garage window during the infamous poker night driveway brawl. I think this should be a thing – like Vince’s head starts randomly popping up in scenes all over RHOBH! Will Vince’s head make an appearance at the reunion? 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

The other person KimKillah hates is Lisa Rinna, who she mocks for being desperate and lacking pride because she deigned to a do a Depends commercial. KimKillah stands up preening and rasping mocking Lipsa’s appearance in the commercial. If that’s what Kim sounds like in the throes of passion no wonder she’s single!

Lipsa declares she earned 7-figures for hawking those Depends (and is wearing them on the reunion sofa just in case – you never know when there will be bathroom breaks, or what salacious details might make one literally s–t their pants!). Considering that KIM pooped on a pillow, she probably should ask for a Depends hook-up from Lipsa. And sure, Kim has pride, pride in her own denial, but as far as career, as Andy not so subtly put it: she did Diving With The “Stars” – and that was a big ol’ belly flop from 35 feet (pretty much a metaphor for Kim’s adult life). So what if Lipsa has done a lot of reality shows: she has fun and she’s getting paid. Lipsa snarks that she actually turned down that diving show because Depends doesn’t make a swim diaper – yet. 

Yolanda Foster appears only briefly, as she’s right in the middle of dealing with another Lyme flare-up. Yo looks gorgeous, but she seems ill and drained. I have to admit I regained my love for YoFridgidaire even though she is crisp and dry as a celery stalk!

What I cannot accept about Yolanda is her love for Brandi – which I imagine is one of the ill side-effects of LymeBrain, or perhaps Yolanda really cannot tell the difference between Brandi and one of MyLove’s other children from one of MyLove’s other marriages – the ones where there were no rousing songs around the piano about the glorious scrumptious delicacy “kamasutra” (is that a fish dish?). Yolanda says Brandi is hurting and shouldn’t be kicked to the curb like “a bag of trash.” That was a compliment. Seriously. 

Eileen takes umbrage – she has not kicked Brandi to the curb, she has gently nudged her after sorting through the bag of trash to pull out the recyclables, but that was only 2 wine bottles and one string bikini bottom that got tossed in there by mistake. Eileen explains that she’s only judging Brandi’s alcohol use based on what she has personally observed.

Yolanda wants the women to be forgiving and understanding of Brandi. All the ladies point out that Brandi hasn’t really done anything too terrible to Yolanda that warrants forgiveness – yet – other than her deplorable behavior at David’s dinner parties or her comments about Bella. As Kyle admitted, she and Brandi had a brief fling when they were conspiring against LVP to scramble to the top of the RHOBH pecking order, and Kyle so moved-forward with Brandi for the sake of outing LVP as a tabloid reader in order to keep a enemy closer than a friend. But then Brandi double-crossed her – that is unforgivable! 

According to LVP the drinking is the least of the issues with Brandi – it’s that she always goes too far. She always goes for the “low-blow,” and when you try to reason with her or when Brandi feels backed into a corner, or questioned in anyway, she becomes vicious. Lisa reminds Yolanda that Brandi called Bella an alcoholic while Yo was talking to her about how throwing wine in Eileen’s face was socially unacceptable. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Brandi insists she was making a comparison, for instance, people were SAYING Bella was an alcoholic because she got a DUI, but it’s not true, just like people are SAYING Brandi is an alcoholic but it’s not true. Yolanda consciously ignored that comment because Lyme only allows her to focus on one misdeed at a time, and David’s adventures are occupying precious brain real estate… Speaking of which she’s renovating a luxury windmill complete with a revolving hyperbaric chamber and one blade that doubles as lemon grove, and a special helicopter dock so they can land right there on the tip and descend from a magical glittery floating stairway from the sun… 

But anyway, the issue is Brandi comparing her long history of antics as a 44-year-old NON-MENOPAUSAL woman with the terrible one-time (to our knowledge) mistake of a 17-year-old. And that, right there, is the very essence of Brandi’s issues: she’s not 17, no matter how many times she tries to turn back time with inappropriate hook-ups, microscopic minidresses, and bad fillers. 

Then Yolanda departs, her fridge descending from the rafters, opening it’s portal, and then ethereally charioting Yolanda through the air, leaving a lingering scent of lemon and ultra-purified air. 

And it’s back to semi-reality! According to Brandi she only drinks on RHOBH to deal with these toxic harridans. Basically it’s Kyle’s fault. And LVP’s. But she’s actually just a regular mom cruising for a hot lay the mini-van to soccer practice, drinking cooking dinner, cavorting with strippers in g-strings watching DWTS with a glass of Franzia! Except for that time she had a drunken two-night stand with a kid in Amsterdam (vacation fling!), or with her 24-year-old mover (stress sex!), or when she slapped LVP, or tossed wine in Eileen’s face, or brawled in a driveway, or flashed her tampon string! Brandi: she’s just like all the other moms! 

Brandi complains about the women labeling her as an alcoholic without proof. For instance one might think Lipsa is anorexic because she’s thin and Brandi has never seen her ingest food, but that doesn’t mean she really has a problem… Lisa denies an eating disorder, but reminds Brandi of those text messages she sent calling her an “anorexic” and saying no one wants an “old hag” like her.

This is a thing with Brandi – does she have body dysmorphia? In her mind all these women are like 75-year-olds while she’s some young, hot 30-year-old. She does realize that while she’s screaming at Kyle for being jealous of her period, they’re only FOUR years apart, and Kyle is no more (or less) a “menopause mama” than Brandi is! Projection much, Boozdi?!

brandi and kyle fight at the reunion

Furthermore, the string don’t mean a thing! I’d rather be a “menopause mama” then have my period proof on TMZ as I drunkenly stumble out of a bar at 2 am. Class!!! When Kyle throws that in Brandi’s face, Brandi calls her a c-u-next-tuesday (because Brandi just discovered that word starts with “K”!). 

Kyle wonders what she has done to make Brandi hate her so much. Other than engage her in a custody battle for Kim’s dysfunctional love while Kim is like dude – where’s my booze! It’s because Kyle scratched Brandi’s arm and is a f–king liar who secretly smokes pot. And is a hypocrite. “I hate you because you’re a horrible person and a liar,” Brandi screeches. “How do you live with yourself,” Kyle wonders.  

Andy asks LVP if it’s possible for her to be friends with Brandi again. That is a resounding no. The Slap was the final straw, so to speak, that knocked some sense into Lisa. The Slap, which came after Brandi attempted, not-so-subtly, to sabotage LVP’s friendship with Kyle by recounting to Lisa how Kyle spread rumors that LVP was having an affair with her trainer. While living in Calabasas. Is Brandi is confusing LVP with Kris Jenner? This spiraled into Brandi “joking” that Lisa has slept with half of LA, before trying to make-out with her, then slapping her when Lisa wouldn’t oblige. 

For Lisa The Slap coupled with all of Brandi’s unpredictable and venomous behavior, plus dangerous accusations (bankruptcy, affairs, house set on fire intentionally) made her realize there was no salvaging the relationship. 

Brandi and Andy argue at the RHOBH reunion

Lisa admits, yes, she may have over-reacted to The Slap, but it was another illustration of how Brandi takes things way too far! Brandi keeps insisting it was playful and she apologized. Andy likens it to playing with your dog, who then gets too frisky and bites because they got carried away. And Brandi spazzes. “I’ve taken enough abuse. I’m not taking it from you, too,” she snaps to Andy. So, what I’m hearing is that Brandi doesn’t like being called a bitch? But also, dog bites are sensitive subject, given the whole Kingsley biting Kyle’s daughter situation that will arise next week. 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Brandi agrees her friendship with Lisa is officially over but is disgruntled that Lisa never reached out to her when her father went to the hospital. Even though they weren’t speaking, Brandi feels Lisa should have at least texted. I agree, HOWEVER I see Lisa’s point – Brandi is one of those broads who you invite her visit for a night, then she moves right in with her plastic weaves, her painted wine glass collection, her Target lingerie and revolving door of gentleman callers. 

We close with Brandi warning LVP to “Watch her back.” SECCCCURRRRTY! And Lisa wryly responding, “Oh I will…” 

Did I miss anything? I feel like I missed something? If I did, let me know in the comments. 

TELL US – IS BRANDI IN DENIAL OR JUST REFUSING TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY? WAS EVEYONE UNFAIRLY GANGING-UP ON BRANDI?

 [Photo Credits: Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo]

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