The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Well I just don’t know what to say about Kim Richards other than I think Kingsley ate her sanity. Honestly. I’ll just leave it at that with Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Recap done!

OK, I’m kidding. But seriously – where was this so-called 11th hour smoking gun we were supposed to be getting?! Can I get a RHOBH reunion refund? I was fully preparing myself for the news that Kim and Kingsley had gotten married in Vegas and were having a child using Brandi Glanville as a surrogate.

But no… apparently the big drama was Lisa Rinna had a momentary lapse where she morphed into Brandi and threatened to F–k Kim up via text. Wielding f-bombs and empty threats is hardly exciting news – Kim and Brandi do it habitually to the point that it’s the almost menopause mama who cried “F–k!”

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Look, it’s not like Lipsa threatened to f–k Lisa Vanderpump up. Oh no, no – that we (we meaning “I”) could not abide by, but Kim, who basically implied there was some horrible atrocious lingering secret lurking out there concerning Lisa’s husband. And Kim, who basically has verbally abused every other woman on this show, well maybe her old ass deserves to get clocked. (Not really – unless its by Kyle Richards!

I don’t condone what Lipsa said, and I think it’s sort of a pattern with her to ‘Brandi it up’ – meaning she spazzes and reacts, then tries to rescind it by insisting she “owns” her behavior to nullify the impact. I still like her. I still respect her for having the gumption to rock Depends and a 20-year-old hair style, while taking on both Brandi and Kim with aplomb, but maybe girlfriend needs a lock on the old iPhone. Anyway all the other so-called nefarious texts were basically the truth like Kim is vicious and horrible to Kyle, Brandi is a liar, and Kim being in denial but blaming everyone else. So that stuff – text away!  

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

When confronted, Lisa immediately apologizes for threatening to f–k Kim up, namely because Kim texted her a reply .gif of a growling Kingsley and said, “Who you threatening bitch?! You need to eat some bread, but Kingsley will eat you! OH – and I’m SOBER. SOBER as your Depends are dry!” Man what if Kim got paid a dollar for everything she claimed to be sober, she could quit Housewives! Lisa tearfully admits she’s really embarrassed by her behavior and it seemed sincere. Hell – I’d be embarrassed that KimKillah made me so crazy I threatened someone over text message on a reality show. 

Lisa cries through an explanation that Kim is just so irrational and frankly, MEAN, plus she’s always shushing people with which brings back painful memories of Lisa’s father shutting her down. In response Kim LAUGHS! She starts snickering about how “fake” Lipsa is with this little charade of crying. Remember y’all – Kim is the real actress and has pride in her career as Disney Princess No. 2222 circa 1979. 

Eileen Davidson literally runs over to the other sofa to comfort Lisa. I’m pretty sure she threw something into the air, spun around, and sang “I’M Gonna MAKE IT AFTER ALL!” because freedom. While Lisa was crying her apologies, Brandi whispers to Kim that Lisa is “crazy!” As if these two are in the position to judge “crazy.”

Kim complains about being “afraid” of Lipsa. She got on mugshotfinder.com and located a record that’s older than Lipsa’s hairdo, for that thing where you hurt people… “Batter.” What’d she do? Finally decide to eat something and broke into a bakery to lick the mixer beaters? 

Then in the blink of an eye, Kim decides to accept Lisa’s apology while Brandi makes that sour face. Her face has frozen that way – literally – so all of your mother’s premonitions about your face freezing in a nasty face are proven thanks to the work of art that is Brandi’s fillers. Her face hath frozen in a grimmacy-sneer.

Next Brandi and Kyle argued over hypocrisy because Kyle ate space cake in Amsterdam and Brandi couldn’t cause she was being “sued” by her ex-husband. I mean good lord – it’s POT, people! It’s not like people were smoking meth in the bathroom or popping pain pills that weren’t prescribed to them, or mainlining wine like it’s a life-force. Seriously – these women were acting like a bite of space cake was landing them in Guantanamo in the BAD MOM cage where they are banned from makeup and cold-pressed juices. 

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Brandi believes Kyle was insulting her mothering behind her back, which Kyle ardently denies, and Kyle believes that was Brandi’s motivation for claiming Kyle smokes pot. 

Then – because WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT KIM RICHARDS SOBRIETY BECAUSE SHE IS SOBER! SO SUPER STELLAR SOBER THEY NAMED A SOBER AWARD AFTER HER SOBERY SUCCESSYNESS! – Andy asks what if Kim had eaten Space Cake and Kyle is like uhhhh… for realz, dude? Brandi launches into a diatribe about how everyone believes they can discuss Kim’s sobriety, even though they’re like doing drugs and all that, and it’s the same as her accusing Kyle of being a giant hair-flipping pothead on national TV. Um… except its NOT – Kim is an addict with many stints of rehab. And Brandi is an idiot whose dress looks like a full-body condom. Which, ironically, Andy and Brandi bond over f–king 22-year-olds cause MATURE! 

But back to Kim she makes this big defensive disclaimer speech about how she doesn’t have to defend her sobriety because she is SOBER! She only took that one pill that one time for her constant pain, like, “haha – if I keep telling myself that, it’s true, right, you guuuuys!” Brandi nods encouragingly and strokes Kim’s hand like a doting mother reassuring a small child about perform in the school play.

Kim announces she’s not talking ago this and neither is anyone else. “I’m not going to talk about MY issues that doesn’t exist,” she says loudly to Andy. “Silenco!” demands the Dictatress KimKillah, “Or I will bite your hand off as it if is a free pain-pill covered in chocolate!” Apparently Kim has never had an issue with sobriety (at least that’s what Goddess-Sister Kathy <allegedly> says) and Lipsa imagined that whole stoned limo ride. See, Kim was just method acting! She had retreated to her little world where all the things are made of rainbows and turtles and Kingsley doesn’t need to be controlled with a cattle prod and she can just sit like the caterpillar in Alice In Wonderland smoking the hookah and making double-speak profundities out of the smoke that form into little shapes. 

But SOBERING REALITY: Finally Kyle asks Kim why she’s so angry at Lipsa for commenting on her sobriety, but Brandi is allowed to gossip about it to anyone with ears – like her friend Jennifer Gimenez. Brandi actually DENIES speaking about Kim’s sobriety to Lisa and Jennifer (despite the Bravo flashbacks) and tries to make it all about how Lisa twisted her words with the whole intervention comment. Then she says Jennifer is a good friend and it was OK to talk about it, so Kyle is like, but Lisa isn’t, so…. Oh, Brandi … practice what you preach and OWN IT BITCH! You threw Kim under the bus and made her sobriety seem like a huge issue to Lipsa, and I must be crazy too because I took the original intervention comment to imply that Brandi meant Kim needed an intervention as well.

Kyle whines that Brandi is putting thoughts and ideas about how horrible she is into Kim’s mind and and that’s why their relationship is less viable than an empty bottle of wine. Kim is like as if – I knew that all on my own because Kathy is perfect and I care about my dog more than I care about you. Brandi insists she wants Kim and Kyle to be close, but she was caught up in the drama. Kyle reminds Brandi of other things she said to Kim, which Kim and Brandi deny. But seriously Kim is so incompetent that Brandi speaks and thinks for her? 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

And finally: it’s time for a touching Lifetime Movie segment of two women’s struggle for custody of Kim Richards. Andy asks why the sisters Richards are so twisted and it’s basically eons worth of dysfunction (Kim being Kim), culminating with this: Kim’s dog bit Kyle’s daughter, who needed surgery  – and got a bone infection necessitating 5 days in the hospital and 3 weeks on an IV drip (naturally Kyle was able to corral Chanel into providing a special IV bag cover, but Gucci would not relinquish any solid gold tubes. All in all, the entire plastic and vinyl episode was quite discomforting). 

Kim wouldn’t take responsibility – of course – and then blamed Kyle for instagramming the whole episode, thus drawing attention to it and making everyone aware it was Kingsley who bit Alexia. Kyle argues she never said Kingsley but the savvy intelligent viewers of RHOBH put two-and-two together. 

In truth, I have NO IDEA why Kyle would instagram her daughter getting surgery, but Kyle is attention-seeking in all things and probably was just psyched to be at Cedars-Sinai where the real celebs go (I hear they serve all the meals on Hermés dishes!). 

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Kyle maintains she was trying to make her daughter feel better (with some PR?) but Kim insists she was using the whole incident to intentionally hurt her and make Kim’s pain into an attention grab. Kim’s daughter even called Kyle asking that she remove the IG pictures down, but Kyle refused, and Kingsley is Monty’s best friend, so Kyle stole his child. Welcome to The Twilight Zone... on tonight’s show Kim Richards starts to actually believe she gave birth to a dog, who has then grown up to become a weapon employed by the US Government in the war against terror… 

The real issue is that KIM basically blames Alexia, then keeps making these vicious threats about how Kyle doesn’t want her to tell the WHOLE story because Kyle won’t like “the truth.” When Kyle asks for details Kim refuses, saying she won’t talk about it on camera. Basically another case of #WhatDidHarryDo – KimKillah has bitten off more than she can chew with all these threats she can’t back up, and I see Kingsley gets his viciousness from his mama who is one scary and angry woman. Also, making threats against your teenaged niece is a new low. 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

So Kim chooses Kingsley over Kyle and cries about how Kyle took one of her children from her. Kingsley is supposedly with a trainer, which Kyle doesn’t believe. When Andy presses, Kim replies, “I’m not talking about this anymore, Andy!” Because her dog is “off-limits” just like one of her children. Lipsa comments that it’s Kim’s world and we’re all just living in it! What did most of us do to deserve this hell – smoke pot in Amsterdam?

Kyle is baffled because her actually child got her hand bitten off, which Kim keeps yelling was “just a scratch.” And I’m being paid a million dollars to endorse Depends while I type this. When Kyle threatens Kim with an honest conversation she starts to cry. 

Then it’s time to discuss the other tales of woe in the lexicon of the Twisted Sisters Richards – like did Kyle steal Kim’s house?! Kim refuses to talk about that as well, but essentially YES – Kyle stole Kim’s house (in Kim’s mind). And did other stuff – like steal her sanity and her sobriety! LVP chimes in that Kim and Kyle need to take a break from battling each other and come together – even if it is fake for now – for Brooke’s wedding and Monty’s health.

LVP sagely advises that they’ll regret it down the line and of course, outside of their own messes, there are their children who will bear the ultimate brunt of this feud. Kim sniffles that she doesn’t know if her heart can go on without Kingsley and forgive Kyle. And Eileen comments that she doesn’t know if her sanity can go on with RHOBH. Please don’t leave us Eileen – we need you! 

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And next week is Secrets Revealed where more drama between Lipsa and KimKillah is shown. Oooh! Dishy! 

TELL US – SHOULD KYLE AND KIM WORK THROUGH THEIR ISSUES? DOES BRANDI REALLY WANT THE RICHARDS SISTERS TO MAKE UP? WHO SHOULD BE FIRED?

[Photo Credits: Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo]

 

 

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