RHOA season 7 reunion part 1

NeNe Leakes has 99 problems… and they’re all her fault! Her problems include: wigs, friendships, successes, rejection of Claudia Jordan, saying what she said because she said it…  NeNe’s refrain throughout the Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion, was “You’re right, I’m wrong.” Probably. No, it’s not NeNe who has a million problems – it’s RHOA… This was supposed to be the SEASON 7 reunion, but almost everything discussed was a SEASON 6 issue. Dejaview!

The only things different are Apollo is incarcerated and Claudia is lapping up everyone’s storyline dregs like she’s been through the dessert on a stallion booty with no name and it’s been good to get into the shade. In Atlanta no one can remember your name unless you try extra hard with the reads and the complaints! 

Let’s talk outfits: Porsha Williams was the worst – it looked like a cheap shower curtain. And that train! That girl and her issues with trains. #UndergroundRailroad. 

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Cynthia Bailey is channeling NeNe realness with her bad wig and her face was as plastic as her personality. #RealCynthiaDoll The wigs got their own fake infomercial, which was most definitely the best part. NeNe’s hair-speriments are worthy of a lawsuit filed by Phaedra Parks, Esq. (Will she win a case as Cynthia’s borrowed-from-the-blogs read asks?!)

Andy grills Kenya Moore about her hair. She’s wearing a small clip-in piece “for drama.” Not to be confused with “for dragging.” Maybe the detachable hair is a safety measure; a just in case dragged escape route – unclip hair and you’re free! Kenya admits to self-financing Life Twirls On. Andy basically snickers as he throws massive shade on the future of the show. Ouch. 

NeNe gushes about Broadway while Kenya “The Moore Benevolent And Moore Forgiving” Moore and Claudia wear their jealousy on their sleeves (or lace doilies). 

NeNe starts up with Kandi Burruss because Kandi is a hater. There were as many haters on that stage as there were hubris monsters, but I don’t think Kandi hates NeNe – nor do I think she’s jealous. They are two people who don’t click, and Kandi is tired of NeNe’s “superior stank attitude.” Aren’t we all. NeNe should make a t-shirt that reads “SUPERIOR STANK ATTITUDE” so she can promote it on twitter every 2.2 seconds thus “proving” viewers love her. #TheThirstIsReal. 

Kandi is annoyed with NeNe's

NeNe is mad because Kandi asked Phaedra how she could forgive NeNe but not Cynthia and Kenya. NeNe and Kandi argue about Phaedra while she inspects her nails and preens “disinterestedly” in her Morticia Adams eyelashes. I zoned out when I noticed you could fit approximately 4 fake booties and 6 African Princes in the space on the sofa between Phaedra and Claudia

Basically when NeNe and Cynthia stopped being friends, NeNe buddied up to Kandi and PhaedraKandi a had apprehensions given the past and was proceeding with caution as NeNe’s t-shirts like to advise. Kandi was wary given how NeNe ices ex-friends ala Cynthia. NeNe even showed everyone texts Cynthia sent her, which said nasty things about the ladies.

In light of all this, Kandi was surprised Phaedra embraced NeNe. NeNe insists she and Phaedra bonded over divorce but Phaedra never spoke negatively Kandi. Kandi seems hurt by Phaedra. And NeNe is desperate to have an ally, even if that ally is an accused head doctor with an incarcerated husband and a funeral home. 

I don’t blame NeNe – I wouldn’t want to hang out with Cynthia either. 

Next discussion is Phaedra and Apollo. They are still married. It seems like Phaedra is not filing until financially she has everything organized. She makes a snippy comment that unlike some people she doesn’t need the show to earn a living therefore every inch of her personal life doesn’t need to be divulged on TV. Ohhhh, rlly…

Phaedra refuses to answer if Apollo has gotten physical with her. The expression on Kandi’s face was interesting… it was an ‘on baited breath’ expression. Phaedra says visiting conditions at FMC-Lexington are not conducive to small children or winter, so she hasn’t taken her sons to see Apollo. Kenya and Claudia make rude judgey faces and are bitchy. Cynthia quips that now it’s not her place to comment on Phaedra’s marriage… someone’s tongue got burned by hot chocolate!

Cynthia Bailey & Claudia Jordan RHOA season 7 Reunion

Later Cynthia gets all high-horsey when Porsha comes out with the topic of Peachter’s cheating. Cynthia announces Apollo has always cheated on Phaedra but she never said anything. Awww… Cynthia deserves a plaque for Best Frienemy On A Reality Show!

Phaedra alludes to Peachter and his “waitresses” at BarNone… Apollo and Peter probably used each other as covers to cheat. Those in bankrupt bars shouldn’t throw glasses! Put your money where your mouth is CynCyn… and invest in a real backbone instead of renting one from Clawdia. Cynthia’s sassy reunion personality (#247 – the Claudigger) was annoying – Porsha was right about one thing: Cynthia needs to look within and find herself. Although Porsha needs to do the same, because presently she’s confusing looking inside with looking down her own dress. Also Porsha’s makeup was horrible and she resembled a blow-up doll. Intended effect? 

Of course speaking of allowing oneself to be used – Claudia and Porsha get into an argument about Porsha dating a married African prince. Claudia is insistent that Porsha is a whore. Porsha insists she has [ACK-O-LAIDES!] gifts – many gifts – not gifts bought by married men. Claudia feels sorry for Porsha because she doesn’t use her talents to get things. Which makes no sense, because Claudia is also accusing Porsha of using her sexy to get Bentleys.

Clawdia’s obsession with Porsha… She probably collected Porsha’s used weave scraps and took them to Derek J to make a shrine-wig. But really, why does Claudia care so much about what’s going on between Porsha’s legs or her ears?! It’s bizarre, because she seems very emotionally invested. She keeps talking about this “mutual friend” who knows Porsha’s married African, which is sooo suspect! C’mon girl… you mean the married African you used to “date”. Instead of transferring, let’s be transparent. Has Dr. Jeff taught us nothing?!

Claudia even claims she has “proof” Porsha was dating said married man, obtained because Claudia is a journalist! No – Claudia is a fake-Real Housewife on the Real Hypocrites Of Whorelanta. Home of The Kenya Moore-Whore Whorestravaganza Excellence WHO-S-A GONE WITH THE WIND Twirlsperience Museum for the History of Whores on Housewives.™

Porsha's Dress At the RHOA reunion

Claudia also asserts that, while in Manilla, a drunk Porsha confessed she has been dating a married man for 2 years. Andy seemed awfully unperturbed to hear this, because be real (real-real, not Housewifey real) the cameras would have caught and ROLLLLLLED that – and Porsha would not have lost her peach!  

Porsha’s defense is the other ladies were jokingly putting words in her mouth because at that time she was dating a young athlete who shall remain nameless. Apparently you cannot date real people on RHOA. Did Porsha just inherit the invisible man storyline from Kenya – is Kenya passing her crown? She sure tried to pass the whore-cusation crown!

OH – BTW, Kenya announces if she were a real whore, we’d all know because she’d be the best damn whore the world had ever seen and there’d be a museum in her honor. Pretty sure Marlo Hampton already runs that… 

In other recycled storylines (RHOA is celebrating Earth Day!) Porsha and Kenya discuss scepters – or “specters” –  Claudia corrects her, but Porsha just continues rambling obliviously. Yes, Kenya’s only props this season were Clawdia and Cynthia, who fight her battles while she loving strokes her ponytail with a twinkle in her eye.

Porsha believes Kenya is empty inside because she was motherless, then she explains why she will never apologize for attacking Kenya at the previous reunion since Kenya is insincere and lacks compassion. Which is true. Plus, Kenya only apologizes to throw in other’s faces that she’s the bigger person. Also, true.

Kenya is disappointed that Porsha attacked her because of Porsha’s family legacy. Which is like peaches and princes… there is no connection – at least there’s not in real-reality! Porsha SHOULD apologize to Kenya – for herself – she clearly is harboring some anguish about it but, if Kenya has truly moved on – stop bringing these things up! Let’s never ever speak of specters, scepters, whores, or African princes again! Also, let’s get the Housewives a geography lesson – AFRICA IS A CONTINENT – a A WHOLE ENORMOUS CONTINENT, not a country, and not a shopping center where one procures a hologram of a sugar daddy and his AmEx Black card! 

Phaedra Parks is unimpressed with Kenya Moore

Of course my favorite argument came when Phaedra lectured Kenya on not using RHOA as a platform to be a role model for others. Kenya lashed back by calling Phaedra a bad Christian – reasons cited: Phaedra wore a thong bathing suit on TV and called Kenya a whore because she flirted with Apollo. Now I don’t know about you but I think it’s safe to say that the only person on this show who is being a good role model for black women is Peachter. OK, maybe Mama Joyce

TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE FIRST PART OF THE REUNION?  

 [Photo Credits: Bravo]

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