Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was all about mind games and the women who play them. I am becoming curiouser and curiouser about this Dorit Kemsley though, which coincidentally coincides with me getting less and less enamored with Eileen Davidson.
Things continue at Camille Grammer‘s Luncheon From Hell, which really wasn’t all that hellish after all. It kind of fizzled and popped, then went flat like day-old Perrier. What Dorit wanted to finish telling Eileen is that she feels constantly on the defense with these women. I feel like it’s true that Dorit is under laser-focus, but I also feel like Dorit is trying too hard, then imagines people are constantly scrutinizing her. Her affiliation with the sleaziness that is PK doesn’t help.
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What I really don’t get is why Erika Girardi‘s underwear seems to be the most important thing happening in Beverly Hills? Now poor innocent Erika was “blindsided” by Dorit’s panty pop-up? Pantygram? Kyle Richards and Dorit are talking about it; Eileen and the rest of the world are talking about it. Lisa Rinna is gonna do a whole segment on QVC about panty politics. Lisa Vanderpump is gonna host a march to Stop Panty Abuse Forever. Camille is gonna have Allison DuBois predict panties’ futures. STOP SAYING THE WORD PANTIES YOU PERVS – you’re all turning into PK.
To all of this, Camille rolls her eyes. She silently mouths “pernicious” to DD, who is waiting mutely and secretly in the wings. Camille has her optical illusion shirt on and that’s just what this nonsense is. Of course the women are all talking about Dorit, because duh – that’s the whole point of this show. In actual important matters, I now know where Camille’s Dinner Party From Hell cocktail glasses went – she re-gifted them to Kyle.
Well, after the luncheon, the ladies took a temporary break from each other until they reconvened at Kyle’s for game night. Speaking of people who don’t learn their lesson… Kim Richards is back on the scene with what appears to be a curiously obtained dress… Oh yes, the store “forgot” to remove the security tag [side-eye infinity].
Since Kim is a soon-to-be-a-grandmother, we must all pretend none of her bad behaviors ever occurred and treat her with kid gloves, eternal kindness, and our brains locked on delusion. Really? Cause no. I still see you KimKillah Rambles Richards. I see you with the security tab poking out of your hemline. I see you under 12 layers of blush. And thanks to stupid Eileen, I now see you without panties. THE HORROR – MAKE IT STOP!
Before game night, Lipsa meets her new counselor Eden Sassoon for an iced tea at, of all places, a Mexican restaurant. While they stare at the untouched tortilla chips on the table, Eden confesses about substance abuse to distract herself from carbs. Eden is like Rambles in that she talks tangentially, but she is unlike Rambles in that she talks some sense and has also come out the other side of addiction with actual accountability.
While Eden and Lipsa lick tiny crumbs of salt from the chips, they reveal their fears that hereditary addiction will affect their children, and Eden opens up about her insane-sounding childhood. Eden came into this world in a terrible situation – apparently she was premature because her mom had an early c-section so she could party in the Hamptons, then she left her preemie daughter the day she gave birth? Errrmmm… well, uhhh.. suddenly Kyle and Kim’s mom seems marginally less horrible. Big Kathy may have seemed even less terrible by comparison if I hadn’t also found out she used to go around BH with her hair in curlers.
After, Erika checks out the set of her upcoming video Expen$$$ive. I just have no words except, wow, it’s back to Kyle’s we go.
Kyle predicts this game night will be better because Brandi won’t be there. She probably has a point! Just in case, before anyone arrives, Kyle orders the bartender to keep the drinks flowing. This way everyone is three-sheets into the rosé before they hit the patio, which is fortification they’ll all need to partake in a little game known as Sexual Harassment Charades.
The ladies were ‘randomly’ split into teams, which consisted of bitter enemies being forced to work together and touch each other to demonstrate activities for their teammates to guess. An example – LVP had to manipulate Lipsa’s body to make it look like she was a model. LVP took every opportunity to play PK by making Lipsa grab her own boobs and crotch – cause Class! Maturity! Manipulation!
Everyone was a good sport and seemed to have fun, except Dorit, who I think had an orgasm over Eden. After the games ended, she questions Kyle about Eden’s sexuality, then saunters out by the pool to awkwardly proposition Eden about how hot and sexy she is.
What’s more awkward is that 10 feet away Eileen is whispering to Kyle about Erika’s panties and the hidden meaning behind them. Eileen thinks it’s an amazing coincidence that both she and Kyle used the word “blindsided” to describe Erika’s reaction, and that means that what Dorit did was WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
Eileen decides to interrupt Dorit‘s SWF-ing of Eden to personally interrogate her about pantygate. If you screamed “OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EILEEN, LEARN TO LET THINGS GO” at the TV, you are not alone. I screamed it. Honestly!
Dorit demands a glass of rosé before questioning and sits down annoyed from the jump. Also annoyed is Camille, who complains that things were going well and everyone was getting along – even Lipsa and Kim – yet now someone has to go poop in the proverbial pool by starting some sort of inquest about a few scraps of nothingness and their greater relationship to the hoohah of a woman who rolls around on TV in thongs.
I would almost rather hear about KimKillah Rambles Richards non sobriety than The Secret Life of Panties According To Eileen Davidson.
But Eileen must press-on in her quest for exhaustive detail. Now it’s about whether or not Dorit considered how her actions made Erika feel. Erika sits there stone-faced as Eileen caresses her arm and defends her against panty persecution. As much as it pains me to admit this, Dorit made some good points. Wrong as it was that Dorit told ALL of these women before confronting Erika – these so-called friends of Erika – not a single one of them discouraged Dorit against the gift, or mentioned concerns about how Erika may feel. Instead, they encouraged her, they laughed with her, they purchased the mother-f–king panties with her! Yet Kyle is NOT involved. She is so not in the middle.
Now these same women are the ones who keep bringing it up! When Dorit tries to make these points, Eileen tells her “stop talking – you talk too much”. Um, a bit rich…
Even Dorit shrieks that if Erika wanted to talk about it, she could call Dorit. Like do as Dorit says, not as she does, right?! Indeed Erika is more annoyed that everyone knew before her that the flash occurred, and she wished Dorit had just said something privately instead of making her the “butt of a joke” (pun intended?).
Luckily, Eileen’s interrogation is interrupted by Kim declaring that not wearing panties is no big deal – take it from her, a woman whose connection to sanity is so loosely tethered she tried to legally adopt a dog as her son, because she doesn’t wear them either.
Of course, Kim really only interrupted to make things all about her issues with Lipsa, which involves Kim denying that she ever made any comments or inferences about Harry. Um, no Kim. You cannot re-write that history! “Let’s talk about your arrests!” retorts a gobsmacked Lipsa.
RELATED – Kim’s Past Revealed!
And suddenly everyone is defending poor, maligned, innocent Kim – protecting her from her own past by enabling her even more and allowing her to skirt by (on a stolen skirt, no less) taking zero ownership of her own past behaviors while simultaneously demanding that Lipsa (and Dorit too) own theirs.
LVP jumps in to implore Lipsa not to go there with Kim. Then Eden, also sober, interjects with a bit of sanity about what Kim should do instead. According to Eden, Kim is using her hurt as a sword, when she should be using it as vessel – something Eden probably learned in a yurt in Sedona during a sweat-in to release her demons into the wild dessert before the stars turned into a goddess with the secret key to eternal optimism.
Eden’s words are another convenient excuse for Kim to avoid her own bad behavior. Now, Kim claims Lipsa never sincerely apologized for speaking the truth – that Kim is a hot mess of drunken disaster and was a complete and utter terrorizing bitch to all the women. But let’s not speak of that, let’s instead force Lipsa to apologize while Kim gets off with another year of probation!
After feeling bad that she “went low” by calling out Kim’s arrests, Lipsa was standing up poised to leave the party, but standing there, physically appearing to be the bigger person she actually becomes this by apologizing to Kim for “hurting her feelings” and “being mean.” It was another BS apology of the sort she previously offered LVP, but hey – she’s hustling apologizes alongside duster coats now.
In reality, I think Lipsa was truly more or less giving herself permission to accept that she had done some things to make her feel bad about herself, which she did, but she was able to reasonably apologize to Kim instead. Kim, who didn’t so much accept the apology (or apologize in return), felt vindicated that she’d gotten something she long (erroneously) decided she deserved.
Yeah, I’m over Kim. I’m over Eileen too. And I’m pissed that Eileen is now making me feel bad for Dorit who has all the charm of an unnecessary crust of sequins sewn as an afterthought onto the hem of what would otherwise be a fabulous dress because the designer worried it would look too ordinary.
TELL US – WILL PANTYGATE NEVER DIE? DID KIM DESERVE AN APOLOGY FROM LIPSA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
