It's Dorit's World

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: This Is Your Brain On Dorit

Well, as always, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills has come down to a matter of miscommunication about what someone said versus what they meant to covey.

What is up with Dorit Kemsley? I mean, she gives good TV since we’re all going to be talking about her, but, err, uhh… she is not a  good look for Lisa Vanderpump, and I don’t think this is what Lisa was going for when she got Dorit cast. So, Peek-K looked up Erika Girardi‘s skirt, and after grilling my husband relentlessly about the possibility of PK’s view, I’ve decided I agree with Erika that it’s probably not possible that PK got full-vajaynejayne throughout dinner as he claimed. Erika, though, is pissed that Dorit told everyone about it, then handled it by handing her some “full coverage” underwear. Of all the insults – to assume ERIKA JAYNE wears full coverage?! As if! When completely sheer = granny panties, you know you’ve gone to the Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for aging trophy wives with celebrity ambitions.


Erika discusses Dorit With Mikey

Thankfully Erika has eternal help meet Mikey to run by all her complaints about Dorit’s badness. And there are a lot of them, until Erika concludes that Dorit is the type of girl “who takes all the fun out of hanging out with women.” I kind of feel the same way about Erika, who surrounds herself with sycophantic gay men using Erika’s abandoned panties to fan her ego. (Full confession – I still think Erika is pretty insecure).

Moving right, along Dorit and PK are hosting a dinner party. Dorit wears her most ‘Erika‘ dress so PK will look up her skirt, (and look he does!), then pretends she’s concerned about it being too revealing. Peek-K, it turns out, is in general lecherous, lascivious, and gross! Of course, Dorit wants people to gush over how hot she looks all damn day because she too is insecure, which is the only way to explain how she ended up with PK in the first place.

Lisa Rinna attended the party dressed like Michael Jackson, and I’m not sure who brought Elliot Mintz, but someone needs to stuff him (lightly!) back in a Hallmark card where he belongs. Maybe he should date Vicki Gunvalson over at RHOC?

Now, can we gush over how Dorit is the only person in Beverly Hills who has thought of having fresh flowers at a dinner party?! Then we shall congratulate Dorit for graduating from the Yolanda Foster School Of Gold Digging, class of Wannabe Sophistication And Elegance, and earning an additional certificate of Superiority Complex. Dorit goes on a spiel about her cultivating upper-middle class upbringing, compelled by her hostess with the mostess mother who gently guided her into the practices of the upper-echelons, thus preparing her for a life of PK licking his lips while leering across a party shouting “I like that view!” all while discussing how the Kennedy assassination was a government conspiracy.

RELATED – What Did Kim & Kingsley Do This Time?!

Just so you know, Dorit only invites “all the best people” to her parties, so the guest list is of supremo importance. Apparently, it’s so important, she forgot to consider that her house looks worse than a Pier One Imports display window.

Meanwhile, Kyle Richards‘ mother just dragged her 5th grade self by the puffed skirt right into Studio 54! #DesignatedDriver What I’m saying, Dorit, is that social climbing without reckless abandon doesn’t land you a sitcom deal.

Things did not improve over actual dinner where Elliot Mintz waxed poetically about letting LVP go into the wind, gently, gracefully, purposefully, with her Pomeranians transforming into parachutes that softly deliver her to Villa Rosa and out of Lipsa and Eileen Davidson‘s social missiles. Basically, Lipsa was trying to explain Munchausengate, and was annoyed that PK seemed to be little too invested in defending LVP.

I don’t have a problem with that – if you’re friends with someone, you tell the about issues in your life, and friends defend friends. However, Lipsa and Eileen have their antennas permanently set to Stranger At The Pentagon frequency and believe everything LVP does is an act of attempted manipulation.

Lisa Rinna is confused by Dorit & PK

Then PK tries to whitewash everything that happened by blaming it on Lipsa‘s father’s death and Eileen losing her mother. Lipsa feels bamboozled and bulldozed, and also really disgusted that PK and Dorit don’t seem to be understanding that her father passed away months AFTER the issues with LVP, but his death is what allowed her to put everything in perspective.

Somehow, Lipsa also reveals that Eileen’s mother passed two days before the reunion and she didn’t tell most of the other women because she was so focused on clearing the air of issues (Lipsa calls it “survival mode”). Dorit and PK are scandalized by this and don’t think it’s fair, to what, manipulate this way? Lipsa leaves dinner feeling more wrung out and stretched to the maximum, than she did after Pilates at Eden Sassoon‘s studio.

Yes, we finally met Eden last night. She’s, um, well, I don’t know yet.

We meet Eden Sassoon

What I do know is that L.A. is a veritable six-degrees of Lisa Rinna, isn’t it? Eden knows Lipsa through the ‘hood, and knows Kim Richards from Kim’s days of partying with Eden’s late older sister, Catya, who overdosed. Apparently, Robert Downey Jr. also used to also party at Eden’s father’s mansion with Kim and Catya. Yikes is that an only-in-LA connection. Eden also implies that Kim, Catya, etc., all initially started using and drinking together. What a sad thing.

RELATED – Eden’s Colorful Past & RHOBH Connections

But first, Erika and Lipsa join Eden for Pilates and Erika Jayne, of the booty and cooch dropping dance routines, can barely keep up. Afterwards, they go to lunch, where Eden sucks up to Lipsa by dubbing her hair as “iconic.” For this, Eden is rewarded with an invite to Kyle’s upcoming game night. Yes – GAME NIGHT! Another one! Are we really doing that again?! Has Kyle really lost her ever-loving mind?! Will KimKillah Rambles Richards start finger pointing and barking “slut pig” while Splits twirls her caftan and stomps around? We can only hope! (Please let this happen… please let this happen… I miss the old Splits who was less contrived and whose try-hard behavior was way more obvious).

Speaking of Kyle, she goes to get laser facials with LVP, who hops in the car prepared with a little game of ‘which RHOBH husband would you sleep with?!’ After rejecting all other candidates, LVP lands on Tom Girardi, which I am sure has Erika‘s non-existent panties in a bunch. She decides Kyle should sleep with Kelsey. Full confession: David Foster would’ve been my pick.

Kyle & LVP joke about sex

Kyle and LVP laugh and joke about getting vaginal rejuvenation for their mythical RHOBH affairs, then Kyle lets it slip that LVP has had a face lift. Oops.

Afterwards, Kyle goes home to nag at Mauricio for being too busy at work and not spending enough time calling her caftans “amaaaaaazing.” Even Kyle’s daughters are like SHUT. UP. I’m more annoyed that Maurico goes to work dressed like he’s permanently attending one of Kyle’s white parties. He actually wore an Agency T-shirt (also white) under a white blazer. Bad fashion certainly runs in that family!

Speaking of husbands, Vinnie and Eileen seem in a better place. Although I sense another season of the Eileen Davidson Witch Hunt about to happen with the target being Dorit. Not totally unwarranted, I suppose!

Lipsa opened her ginormous lips to spill that Dorit and PK judged how Eileen handled her mother’s death at the reunion. Eileen meets Dorit for a hike in Malibu and decides, with Vinnie’s agreement, that she must confront Dorit’s misguided opinion. Has there ever been a househusband more delightfully NOT interested in the RHOBH’s goings on than Vinnie? He just wants to play tennis and cards, drink his brewskis, wear sneakers with sports coats, and chill. Vinnie for the win!

Dorit & Eileen cross-signals

When Dorit arrives to meet Eileen, it’s so windy they practically blow away, and decide instead to chat at a picnic table. Boy, did that not go well. That’s actually an understatement. After Eileen invites Dorit to Camille Grammer‘s upcoming luncheon, she dives into ‘clarifying’ the situation with her mother’s death, LVP, and the reunion, except Dorit reacts by pretending she has absolutely NO idea what Eileen is referring to, like, ‘I had a dinner party? When? And Lisa Rinna was there!? Oh, I don’t remember seeing you, Eileen, cause I only invite the best people. Oh, your name came up? And I know your mother? How funny. And this Camille-woman is rich and wants to be my friend?’

I think this just confirmed my suspicions that Dorit is actually a Fembot – a legitimate failure from Dr. Evil’s lab, which explains her cobbled accent, robotic dead eyes, and the way she incessantly laughs at her own non-jokes. Honestly, what was that?! Also, Eileen is just so unnatural at causing conflict, but worse is how unnatural Dorit is at being human. Eventually, they agree that Eileen’s issues with LVP had absolutely nothing to do with her mother’s death, and Dorit smiles woodenly and chirps, “Am I still invited to Camille’s lunch!?”

Eileen Tries To Re-educate Dorit

The problem, in my opinion, is A) Dorit is fake and Eileen presumed (wrongly, again) that someone who is a TV-friend, was actually trying to make a real connection and B) that Eileen overstates the importance her own life has to others.

But to Camille’s luncheon they go. Camille looks lovely. She is in a new home, away from the Ewww de Kelsey that permeated her old life, and she seems genuinely happy.

RELATED – Adrienne & Camille Party For Christmas

Eileen arrives first, holding a plant that I’m positive was regifted from Adrienne Maloof, then she bonks herself in the face opening wine. Everyone laughs hysterically. This is the side of Eileen I adore, and I wish she’d come back to on this show. I hope that head bonk didn’t give her a case of the ‘Dorits‘ and she’ll start thinking PK is ‘the best people’ and being jealous that Erika has a vagina.

Next, Dorit and Erika arrive. That was the weirdest guest combination ever. It got off to a rocky start, then went right over a cliff. Dorit is like sandpaper to one of Erika’s many lucite Chanel cuffs, and they butt heads over everything from careers, to age, to matters of LVP.

Camille's Party Goes Badly

Hilariously, for a woman who cannot remember the contents of a conversation she participated in during a dinner party which was present at, Dorit has a startling aware recollection from a season of a show she was not part of at all. When Eileen attempts to correct her, Dorit cuts her off with a snippy, “Let me finish…”

Camille cannot have a decent party, can she? We’re going to have to title this one “Luncheon From Hell.” I really do miss Camille’s old wine glasses which were the size of bird baths. And know this… Allison DuBois is needed to examine the mind of recesses of Dorit.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]