Things begin with Khloe and Kourtney playing grab ass while mocking Kim Kardashian for her Vogue Cover. Really we should be mocking Anna Wintour for her poor lapse of judgment. Maybe she was high too? Kim has a case of sour grapes because her sisters didn’t drop their lives, worship her, kiss her feet, hands and ass and come to the newsstand at 5am to purchase one of the first copies of Kim’s bible cover. Khloe taunts Kim and tells her she already has her copy and reads it while she is on the john. #ToiletMaterial
Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to tweet a picture of some pancakes you just made your husband, but you accidentally capture your bare booty in the photo, without noticing? Anyone? Yeah, me neither, but that is the storyline of this week’s episode of LeAnn & Eddie.
The episode kicks off with Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes grocery shopping for an upcoming party that they are hosting. LeAnn purchases about three cows, and six pigs worth of meat for twenty guests. Eddie complains about how he has married an unstoppable spending machine.
In this week’s new episode of Don’t Be Tardy, the Biermanns are hitting the white sandy beaches of Destin as they finally have a clear sunny day (Day 4) while on Spring Break.
They’re certainly enjoying the fun in the sand as Kim Zolciak notes their home afforded them a private beach. Hmmm…I can see people, lots and lots of people directly next to them and more homes and hotels where it looks like public access to “their” beach (Am I missing something?). Brielle wants to go for a joy ride on the jet ski and Kim says “No” because she doesn’t want to worry about anything happening to Brielle. There still is a bit of tension lurking between Kim and Kroy Biermann from their argument last night about how in-tune Kim is to Brielle’s teenage growing pains (drinking, drugs, etc.) Kim and Kroy are taking the twins for a stroll on the beach to smooth things over and remind each other how much they love each other and how crazy raising 5 more kids will be (ya think??!!!).
Clearly the powers that be at Andy Cohen Headquarters decided to put all the super crazies together to form some sort of cosmic force of intense delusion. The loose grasp of reality that was tenuously tying Ramona, Sonja, Aviva (Ramonjava?) to the world evaporated right there on stage. Of course “IT’S ALLEGATIONS!” that they’re insane. “ALLEGATIONS!”
We open with Sonja Morgan discussing why she needs 9,000 interns. I want to know how many have lodged complaints with OSHA but Andy never asks the hard questions. She claims colleges give credits to these kids spending a semester learning Mac Calendar – scheduling Mrs. Morgan’s busy life of partying on her yacht with P. Diddy is “the hardest thing.” It takes a lot of creativity to completely fabricate Mrs. Morgan’s importance!
What would Dance Moms be without the long running feud against the Candy Apples? On last night’s episode, Abby Lee Miller once again faced her nemesis while bragging about that one time she judged Dancing With The Stars. Is it just me, or do the original moms—even crazy Christi—seem tame in comparison to the new antics?
As the girls enter the studio, Abby dubs it their walk of shame. She’s sent home her new team to rest and revel in their victory, but she’s allowed Sarah to join the original dancers because her mom stirs up so much drama…oh, and because she’s talented. Yeah, totally the second thing I just wrote. Sarah is eight years old and sporting what have to be eyelash extensions. Abby reminds Sarah that if her mouthy mom has anything negative to say, Sarah will be ousted for good. After Abby rakes the girls over the coals for being sore losers, Jill interrupts to say the team wasn’t sad to lose, but rather they felt let down by their teacher.
Chloe is on the bottom of the pyramid for poor turns, followed by Maddie for crying in public. Kendall is third on the bottom, and Nia is criticized for not working hard enough to make up for her lack of raw talent. MacKenzie is second, and Sarah takes the top spot for performing with the winning team. Abby cackles as she reveals they will be competing in Ohio against the Candy Apples. The group number will be entitled “Broken Dolls” so art can imitate her dancers’ real life. Abby announces that the duet will be called “I’ve Just Gotta Be Kissed” and all of the girls are giggling and blushing. Maddie will be dancing with Cathy’s former student Gino.
The second episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Lydia Schiavello shopping with her Stepson, Sam at a high-end designer boutique, Christines. Man, does she know how to shop. She buys whatever she wants and that includes a trench coat made out of pantyhose (I sound like my grandmother). Then, she weirdly tries it on and walks out of the dressing room in a black lace bra wearing said pantyhose-material trench and asks Sam what he thinks. Gross. He’s your stepson.
Speaking of shopping, Gina Liano is at Versace for some new dresses, bags and shoes to bring abroad to spend time with her long-distance boyfriend. He’s flying her out to to be with after she shared with him what JackieGillies, the psychic, revealed at the ladies’ dinner a few nights prior. He completely denied any cheating (hence the plane ticket. Um, OK. Can you say someone is busted and feeling guilty??) and of course Gina believes him without a doubt (mind you, he has been abroad for SIX months, so why would he cheat…)
First up is Lydia – she is married to an famous architect, Andrew. They visit their “snow house” (aka second home in the mountains) every weekend via private jet. She has 3 children and 3 stepchildren and they all get along really well. She is studying interior design – so far so normal! Oh, wait. She tells us she wears the pants at home and Andrew wears the pants at work but when Andrew’s home she prefers to be in his pants. No – ugh. It looks like Lydia will be the housewife that can’t stop talking about banging her husband (a la early days of Alex and Simon – GROSS). Lydia also loves to spend money. Just last weekend when she was on ski trip with Andrew she had to have to TRUCK deliver her mounds and mounds of shopping bags. I have a feeling Lydia is all about money all the time and creepy sex-talk. Eew.
Whenever the Real Housewives of Orange County travel it’s an elephantine-sized disaster. And this time they came into contact with actual elephants. I’m pretty sure subjecting an elephant to Vicki Gunvalson‘s screaming constitutes animal abuse. Last night they all traveled to Bali for some spiritual awakening, reincarnated relationships, and bonding – at least that was on the trip prospectus.
Bali is being terrorized by California ladies with 25 pieces of designer baggage and enough anxiety drugs (they’re holistic!!) to tranquilize an elephant. The real purpose of this trip is for us to get different scenery while they haggle and rehash over the same dang arguments. Vicki has a conniption fit because she thinks all the calming auras in Indonesia will interfere with the WiFi signal so she won’t be able to WORK! WORK! WORK! More time to FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! (or in Vicki’s case get motion sickness and puke in Tamra Judge‘s lap in the back of a van).
After 30 hours on a plane everyone, including that silent one Danielle Gregorio, arrives. She is now called “Dumb” as in 1/2 of the Vicki-dubbed Dumb & Dumber. She was wearing a molting Muppet costume on the plane. I seriously wonder what happened with this one. Why is she the RHOC ghost? I feel like a Sc0oby Doo montage starring Shannon Beador‘s mystery door needs to breakout!