Let's discuss the crafty editors on last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So there they were with a whole huge storyline about how skanky Scheana Marie Famewhore pretended she had never heard of nor seen Eddie Cibrian before and participated in a two-year-long affair with him not knowing he was married to Brandi Glanville. I mean Eddie was unemployed, but karma is a bitch because he eventually left both Scheana and Brandi for LeAnn Rimes. And I would say Eddie lost on that gamble!
Other things happened last night. Bravo introduced us toTaylor Armstrong's boyfriend John Bluher. Way back in the day Taylor was telling us John was her pro-bono attorney on the $1.5M lawsuit she was battling against MMRGlobal. They were also "just friends." Friends with benefits, also known as an affiar. And then he just popped up on the screen attending a couple's night with Taylor, Kyle Richards, and Lisa Vanderpump. Wasn't that a coincidence. Sometimes – just sometimes – the Bravo editors don't do us injustice. Hey, it's once in a blue moon!
Things begin withFaye Resnick trying her darndest to become relevant. Yeah, we still don't like you – go away. Faye's face is like melted, globbed together wax. It's clear that with the friendship she shares with Adrienne Maloof, they also share a plastic surgeon. Karma is a bitch like that, I s'pose!
Oh gracious! I wasn't even a minute in to watching last night's premiere of the original Love & Hip Hop when I realized it had gone by way of Atlanta. It's over stylized and filmed as if it's rap video, not a reality show. It's going to be a long season. I'll be honest, it was hard to keep up with all the drama, but I think it's going to be eventful…and I think we saw it all on L&HHA with just a different cast of characters.
As the episode starts, we're introduced to Tahiry Jose who claims to be a video vixen, model, and actress. Right now, she's also a waitress. However, even she knows that she's most famous for being Joe Budden's ex-girlfriend. She left their five year relationship because Joe wasn't handling his business properly. Joe loves being in the public eye, and he gained quite a following when he would post videos of Tahiry on You Tube. He misses Tahiry and hopes that the two can work on developing a strong friendship. The pair is meeting for lunch, and two things are evident: he likes riling her up, and Tahiry isn't a fan of Joe's shenanigans. Tahiry wonders why Joe so desperately needs to be friends with her…can't he share all his life stories with his new lady? Joe just wants to keep Tahiry on a string for when he needs her. The lunch ends with Tahiry screaming at him and shoving the table so hard that her sangria topples. I have to hand it to that one extra playing the role of restaurant patron number two had the acting sense to appear shocked at the couple's tirade while all the other extras just ate their free lunches and pretended like nothing was happening.
Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta we learned valuable lessons can be gained from reality TV. Namely how NOT to get a man to marry you.Kenya Moore illustrated that point in the best way possible when she used every man repellant trick in the book to try and bamboozle Walter into dropping down on one knee. Do not beg a man on national TV to marry you – especially when the show you're on falls into the "reality TV" category. #HowNotToBehaveAndWhy
Things begin with NeNe Leakes,Gregg, and some not so subtle hints. Given that they're moving to LA so NeNe can hit the big time in Hollywood, Gregg has fished out their wedding champagne flutes and poured some wine and then Oooohhh… baby! Bryson shows up with his new daughter Bri'Asia and she is too cute. Awww… babies are even making me overlook NeNe's really unflattering, heftybag-looking brown jumpsuit.
NeNe and Gregg double-team Bryson with a Come To Jesus talk about getting a job, earning his own money and not neglecting his responsibilities. I personally love when NeNe and Gregg lecture – they need to do some sort of motivational speaking summit for parents of the wayward, cause they are hilarious. NeNe discusses her own past being a single mom at 21 and how it helped her get her act together. Hopefully the same can be done for Bryson!
Last week on Shahs of Sunset, Mike Shouheddecided that he and his friends need a drama-free (but still drunken) weekend in Cabo San Lucas. Sounds lovely.. and bound to go horribly wrong.
First, Asa Soltan Rahmati and Reza Farahan promote themselves to king and queen of the group and act all That '70s Show funky crazy in the car. Asa better put her hands on the wheel of her Mercedes-Benz or she's going to have to demolish her house to afford a new car. #brokepeopleproblems Speaking of Asa's broke ass, she decides that this is the year of the Persian Pop Priestess, vowing to finally make money with her music. Please forgive me if I don't hold my breath.
Mercedes "MJ" Javid organizes a lunch date between Asa and Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi. Before Asa arrives, GG and MJ order drinks and appetizers. GG orders cheese fries, hummus with pita chips, the triple carne asada tacos, and a cocktail. Goodness gracious! Where does she put it all?
Once they're cocktailed up, GG asks MJ why she excluded her – instead of Asa – from her birthday party. MJ is surprised that GG even has to ask, saying, "You were the one who got physically violent with Asa. What about the fact that she doesn't feel physically safe?" GG tells MJ that she respects her decision, promises to get therapy, and hopes the upcoming trip to Cabo allows her the opportunity to mend broken relationships. Foreshadowing….
Is it just me, or could VH1 afford to redo the opening credits for Mob Wives? Sure, I love to see Drita D'Avanzo, Renee Graziano, Karen Gravano, and Carla Facciolo walking the mean streets of Staten Island, but doesn'tRamona Rizzofeel a bit left out? What about Big Ang and the new girl Love Majewski? Loosen those purse strings, VH1! The ladies are back with an explosive premiere, and the personalities are all over the place! Drita staying out of drama? Carla growing a pair? Thank goodness we have Ang to be a calm in the ever brewing storm!
The season 3 premiere begins with besties Carla and Drita watching their tiny dogs on the boardwalk. Carla reveals that Ang's son is getting more time than just rehab for his drug dealing, and she's also heard that Renee has yet another problem with her. Drita says that she is finally on Renee's good side (and she wants to keep it that way!), but Carla doesn't care whether she is able to resolve her issues with Renee. She goes off on Renee's pill-popping problem, and it makes Drita very uncomfortable. Drita asks Carla if she can play peacemaker. Carla doesn't care one way or the other. This is going to get ugly!
Renee is changing the locks because she's had a recent break-in and her surveillance camera was camera. Clearly, it was someone trying to intimidate her. They even ripped up her Bible. Renee believes that it was some of Junior's former cohorts who are mad he turned state's evidence. She tells son AJ that she wants to get a gun. He rolls his eyes. Renee wants to talk smack about Junior to their son, and he admits that he knows what his dad did was wrong. However, he hates that his mother wants to speak ill of his dad to him. AJ yells that Renee needs to respect him. I feel for him. He's in a tough spot between both crazy parents.
Alana Thompson and her redneckognizing family are back with a slew of holiday specials. First up? It's Halloween! If the group's time at Shhh! It's A Wig is any indication, we are in for a wild, wild ride. I have not been quiet in my love for all things Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but last night was overkill. Don't get me wrong, I still love this family, but TLC needs to differentiate between thirty minutes of hilarious redneck reveling and an hour of dragging out poor Sugar Bear in a wheelchair. Although, how awesome was he with baby Kaitlyn?
Oh Lord, I don't even know what to say. Two minutes into the special we are treated to June napping haphazardly across her bed and Pumpkin emerging from the crawl space beneath the house (just how close does that train come to their home??) with some nastiness she's found. Pumpkin ties said nastiness to a 2×4 and dangles it over her mother's face. I can only imagine what the remaining fifty-eight minutes have in store. As for Chubbs, Chickadee, and Smoochie, they love Halloween for the sweets. As Alana so eloquently sings/raps, "Halloween is all about the treats…treatin' myself to candy!" She's practically autotuned!
Poor Sugar Bear is in a wheelchair due to a recent surgery, and Pumpkin wants to dress up Chickadee's baby as a cheese ball for Halloween. The baby is precious! June shares that Halloween is a special time for her family, given that the girls love to dress up (well, duh, they are a pageant fam!), and they love to eat candy. I'd say that's a fair assessment. The family is decorating the yard for Halloween, and I have never seen such an assortment of pumpkin inflatables. There's that darn train again…I'd make spotting the train a drinking game, but I fear that I wouldn't be able to make it through this recap! June and Sugar Bear gather up the girls to head to the pumpkin patch. I'm so happy to see they already have their Christmas lights up on their house. That should make preparation for the yuletide holiday special that much easier.
Last night was the final episode of Real Housewives of Miami. It went the way all reunions go with cocktail dress clad and overly spray-tanned women screaming at each other over an utterly useless Andy Cohen. We were spared an Elaine Lancaster appearance. We were rewarded with a Mama Elsa appearance. And we all got tired of Ana Quincoces making herself sound silly by taking repeated jabs atLea Black's age.
C'mon now – if you're gonna rip someone apart you have to be clever about it. (See: Leakes, NeNe, "Wigs" "Trashbox" "Close Your Legs To Married Men!") That's just elementary, like Housewives 101.
Things begin with a drama in review. And that unfortunate drama is Joe Francis and Joanna Krupa's reported unsavory past. Joanna clears up that she was never in Girls Gone Wild but instead hosted an infomercial with Snoop Dog. She also insists she did not "sleep" or "associate" with criminals.
Ana leaps in to accuse Lea of bringing Joe to the party as a "prop" to set Joanna up. Lea denies it, shrieking that Ana is making yet another false accusation and suggests Ana stick to cooking where hopefully she can keep her ingredients straighter than her facts. I wish Lea had said ingrediences.
Ana keeps speaking over everyone and answering for them. Annoying. Shht! The drama over the bitchslap, broom stick wielding, boob-exposing meltdown continues. Yes, let's talk about this some more. It was actually a productive conversation. Adriana de Moura apologized for smacking Joanna and she was disgusted for herself for getting physical. Apparently Adriana was depressed for days following the incident.
Last week on Top Chef Seattle, the cheftestants harvested fresh oysters and cooked for the Rat City Roller Girls. While everyone wished they could have voted Josie Malave off the Top Chef island, Bart Vandaele was eliminated for serving beyond bland food. I told those suckers that they'd regret not letting Josie sink in the mud, but they didn't listen to me.
This week's episode opens with Sheldon Simeon sharpening his knives and Stefan Richter slathering on wrinkle cream. Funny. Padma Lakshmi introduces this week's special guest, master blade smith Bob Kramer, who makes custom knives that sell for $500 an inch. That's crazy!
Bob cuts through two ropes to demonstrate just how awesome a $4,000 knife is. Sheldon begs to give him a hug; Lizzie Binder appears as if she hasn't slept in weeks; Stefan doesn't look too impressed. Perhaps Stefan would have cracked a smile or raised an eyebrow if Bob had busted out $4,000 wrinkle cream.