Ahhh… Real Housewives of Bevelry Hills: where totally untrue in every way cheating rumors never die. Oh! And famous people get to block traffic and redecorate the sidewalk just for being famous.
Over at Kyle Richards' Faye Resnick-fied castle of tchotchke, she's upset because she has to clean up alllllll the dog poop like every day, despite a plethora of brightly colored postage notes decorating the cabinetry advising people otherwise. Poor Kyle – nobody listens to her! Nobody cares! Nobody cares what Kyle wants!
And what does Kyle want? Attention and caftans. Preferably together. Since Kyle presumably has nothing else to talk about but cheating rumors that are totally NOT TRUE and that she totally wants to DISAPPEAR, she and Mauricio sit down to discuss said cheating rumors and how untrue and absolutely ludicrous they are.
The ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta are having serious family problems this year. Luckily for us they still manage to throw shade and keep up the witty commentary.
Phaedra Parks and Apollo are still having married people problems. Problems that come when one of said married persons chooses to possibly allegedly perhaps send illicit texts to a person whom they are not married to. Made even worse when the sext recipient is said wife's booticious enemy!
Phaedra and her entourage are headed to Alabama where she attends mortuary school and is studying for exams. Speaking of the dead, Phaedra leaves Apollo with dead silence since they are not speaking. In Phaedra's study group she talks all things Phunerals by Phaedra including that a good week for Willie Watkins has 15 funerals and she assists.
Phaedra is considerably more real this season; like she seems to be less of the contrived Miz Parks, Southern Belle-nonsense and more like, 'I'm about to bury my husband and forget to embalm his manbits!'
The episode begins with Noel dining with Loretta at her restaurant, and she is all dolled up for the occasion. They reminisce about how they met sixteen years ago and how their relationship has grown along the way. Loretta shares the story of the sex toys on fire at Dominique's bridal shower. Noel isn't surprised that the "dil-daws" went up in flames. God isn't a fan of kinky.
Deitrick and his family are singing in anticipation of his upcoming nuptials. His father interrupts the choir practice to discuss how proud he is of his son and the ob-stickles he's faced. Deitrick's dad is a man of few words, but he likes Dominique and blesses their relationship. Deitrick apologizes to his father for asking Noel to officiate the ceremony. His dad did his first wedding, and he doesn't want a repeat of that situation. His father totally understands.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules everyone was obsessed with cheating that wasn't going on.
Things begin with Jax Taylor remembering that he probably would trade Stassi Schroeder in for another psycho. He's modeling for Kitson – male mooodleing is such chaaaaallenging work – especially when you have a famewhore girl model telling you how hot you look.
Actually what really happened is that she saw Jax's tat for Stassi and realized "easy mark" I could swoop in and have sex with this guy and he'd leave Psychossi for me in a heartbeat and then I'd get to be on TeeVee. ME!
Despite wanting Stassi back, Jax is a little vague about whether or not he's in a relationship. I mean I guess it's hard to explain that you let some girl carry your balls around in a pseudo designer bag and then you go vacuum her apartment every single time she gives them a squeeze. I mean the average stranger might not understand the deep and beautiful nature of their love.
It was another drama fueled evening on last night's Love & Hip Hop. The men showed what true class acts they are with Saigon being physically restrained from going after his child's mother and Peter Gunz vowing to do whatever it takes to make sure he keeps both his wife and his girlfriend in his back pocket. At least Rich Dollaz remains his normal doormat self. Thank goodness for small favors!
To get out her aggression, Tara Wallace turns to boxing with Yandy Smith at her cousin's gym. Let's hope he doesn't take any Instagrams of the ladies like last season! Tara shares her own Instagram gold mine where she found Amina Buddafly's videos of Peter. Three glasses of wine later and she's cutting up all of his belongings. Three glasses? I would have only needed three sips to wreak havoc on Peter's gross behind. Tara asks Yandy about the management situation with Amina, and she seems to understand that it's just business. If Yandy wants to sign Amina, Tara knows that it is what it is. However, Yandy doesn't want the mess that signing Amina brings, and she assures her friend that Amina will not be a part of her label.
Saigon wants to get to know Erica Jean better since, oh, you know, they have a CHILD together. He takes her on a painting date to learn more about his baby mama on a deeper level. They chat about how great being parents is, and I have to applaud them for remembering their lines because this is the most fake conversation ever. Paging Jane Seymour–these two are poised to be the next spokespeople for Kaye's Open Hearts Collection. Their kiss seems about as forced as their small talk.
"8th grade drama sounds the same 30 years later," Kyle tells Mauricio. You know it! Time for all y'all ladies to take a little Alice In Wonderland pill and grow the EFF up!
Things begin with Brandi and Carlton Gebbia shopping at Trashy Lingerie. Ahem. Brandi and Carlton verbally molest each other and gush about much they love beautiful women in an innuendo-laden crapfest. But neither of them are lesbians or something.
Brandi is buying lingerie for her non-relationship and wants to bury a crystal to evoke new love. How about bury the past? Not talking about your ex constantly might help welcome someone new into your life!
Things naturally begin at a sex swing lesson. Kenya (rocking some leggings so tight I swear they had to be surgically removed and coochie crack was as well as booty crack imminent) has all her faux assets on display as she swings upside down. 'Weeeeeee! I'm gone with the wind fabulous!' she's cheering to herself when Kandi Burruss walks in.
Speaking for the masses, Kandi announces she is over Gone With The Wind Fabulous: "The wind is gone. It's blown away." Amen. Kandi demures participating in sex swinging because she sprained her ankle falling off some heels. The real reason for this meet up is investigative journalism. Kandi wants to know the true nature of Kenya and Apollo's texting. Or was it sexting…