There’s no better way to start out your weekend than with the best reality star Instagram posts of the week. No need to scroll through your feed or type in all of the names that matter. I got you covered and there was a lot going on this week and this is aside from the Halloween festivities.
The entire Jersey Shore cast (minus one person) got together to celebrate Deena Cortese’s wedding, getting me all nostalgic. The Real Housewives of Dallas stars gathered with Andy Cohen to film the Season 2 reunion and posted a group photo to show off their glamorous ensembles (and spray tans…most likely). Dorinda Medley and Tinsley Mortimer went all out when they dressed up as famous pop stars for Halloween. The Vanderpump Rules cast were living it up with appearances at the World Series and an LA clothing store launch. The Southern Charm crew made it very clear that they are filming the next season because they were turning up all over Charleston doing shotskis, watching Monday Night Football, and attending restaurant openings.
A new dawn, and new totally fake friendships as the ThreeheadedSheBeast of Vanderpump Rules seeks redemption. For all her grandstanding, Lala Kent has officially returned to the show, which is now filming. The entire cast is currently in Mexico, and low and behold, who was getting along with Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney and living to tweet about it? Why Lala, that’s who!
Stassi, Katie, Lala, and Kristen Doute shared pictures from Mexico, where everyone has seemingly gotten over Lala flashing her boobs and pretending she’d actually be desperate enough to sleep with Tom Schwartz. Apparently, the morality police have found it in their pure and perfect hearts to forgive Lala for allegedly having a married boyfriend.
Well that’s it – another season of Vanderpump Rules done and done! But the third part of the reunion ended with quite a bang when Scheana Marie‘s estranged husband Mike Shay appeared to say everything and nothing at all.
Good lord – the girls on this show are ridiculous! Like Katie Maloney, nothing is ever Scheana’s fault as she just demands, cries, and throws tantrums then blames everyone else. Tom 2 – consider Shay your warning; Robert Valleta – consider Tom 2 your warning.
Before we witness Scheana Marie collapse into a cloud of pressed powder, we have much ground to cover. While Andywasted time last week trying to make Stassi Schroeder‘s brother ‘happen,’ the reunion could have focused on all the drama between James Kennedy and Kristen Doute, or that time Tom 2 almost canceled his wedding while pooping in a wedding gown, as Tom 1 was crying in a Sia costume. Aaaaahhh… good times in New Orleans!
On part two of the Vanderpump Rules reunion Lala Kent was asked the hard questions, and Jax Taylor‘s d–k in a pic was put under harsh scrutiny once again. I can’t imagine how he and Brittany Cartwright get it on considering how fuzzy that thing is – I mean… (I’ll be here all week folks!)
One of the major revelations of last night – and I say this with full and utter complete sincerity – is that James Kennedy and Jax realized they are essentially the same person, separated only by a decade, a sexual conquest number, Botox treatments, and a British accent. And nobody pops the lid off a Jax In The Box quite like a James In The Box!
So, after Jax realizing that he’d spent the reunion sitting next to his evil twin, and recognizing that there is power in numbers, Jax gleefully announced that he welcomes a Return Of The James (the Sequel Part 2) to SUR. Then Andy Cohen asked if James would DJ his birthday party. See – everybody loves sober James!
It’s official – sober James Kennedy is most definitely the world’s greatest DJ/reality TV villain/v-neck shirt wearer/bitchy uptight man child. And on part one of the Vanderpump Rules reunion it was most certainly James who won the night for me. Also Lala Kent came back, and it went well! So far…
First, priorities: we must delve into the wardrobe atrocities that always dominate these things. In this category Brittany Cartwright, bless her heart, was the worst offender. She was wearing what looked like a prom dress turned into stripper stage wear – clearly a Pinterest hack gone wrong. Actually Brittany’s dress kinda looked like one of Katie Maloney‘s bridesmaids dresses.
It was a big night of commitment for our Schwartzy, the little commitment-phobe that couldn’t. In front of some of his family, and all of his friends, he said “I Do” to Katie Maloney, thus establishing himself Mr. Three-Headed-She Beast. Stassi Schroeder cried tears of pure vodka-poisoned joy that her two best friends were officially, legally soulmates, and then she made Katie swear on her eyeshadow collection that Stassi would always be a part of them. Like a stye?
It was actually a sweet ceremony. Courtesy of Tom, who drank the tequila-aid and suddenly found himself overjoyed to be standing at an altar next to Katie’s drapes of a wedding gown. Oof – that dress: a pair of nude pantyhose someone bedazzled; full body spanks that got Pinterested and sold on Etsy. It isn’t easy being country-cutsey-woodsy-glammy-chic on a budget!
The countdown is finally over! We Vanderpump Rules watchers have finally arrived at the inevitable nuptials of two people so solely unhappy together it’s almost not funny. So, yes, last night was the debut of Katie Maloney‘s wedding gown and it was even worse than Scheana Marie‘s. But the biggest shock was that Tom 2 actually seemed happy to be getting married. That’s a change!
Tom and Katie spent $51,000 on a wedding in someone’s backyard next to the train tracks, yet Tom couldn’t afford to fly his family out to attend. Only his mom, Kim, the object of Jax Taylor‘s wanton obsession, has made it. Thus far anyway. I guess Jax imagines that Kim is a woman who knows how to make a turkey sandwich?
Anyway, call me confused but wouldn’t you factor ‘flying family to wedding’ into your budget above $10,000 worth of flowers, or a $4,000 Tacky Tuesday rehearsal dinner? Was Tom 2 too afraid of Katie’s wrath or something… Likely he actually fears Katie’s combined forces with Stassi Schroeder, the official plus one of his wedding and entire life. Yes, after all her maneuvering Stassi has finally secured the spot of Maid Of Honor. Unofficially so as not to hurt Kristen Doute‘s feelings, but honestly where else would one place their Celestial Wife in the order of things?
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules traveled through the few remaining days before Tom Schwartz legally yoked himself to Tequila Katie. Actually, Tom has optimistically decided to eulogize Tequila Katie – maybe that explains why they spent $10,000 on flowers! Double-duty for a funeral?
Before everyone converges in the middle of nowhere “where no one can hear you squeal, boy,” (name that movie!) Tom 1 and Jax Taylor must take care of some risky business in the big city. They must summon their courage with a tiny trumpet and drink raw eggs for manliness. They’re doing this for Tom 2. As he relinquishes his bank account, his soul, and what’s left of the d–k he can only partially find, that only partially works, Tom 1 and Jax will be his everlasting strength.