“People are rotten everywhere you go. They’re no good. You want to see a very bad man? Make an ordinary man successful beyond his imagination. Let’s see how good he is when he can do whatever he wants.” ‘Pachinko’ by Min Jin Lee.
And that quote defines Vanderpump Rules. Here we have just some ordinary obnoxious people, but they are successful merely for being in the right time at the right place. First we suffered through Jax Taylor‘s delusional hubris consuming the first half of the season and now we are subjected to Stassi Schroeder‘s obnoxious arrogance for the remainder of it.
In the umpteenth week of quarantine I could give less fucks than Giggy; barely dragging myself across the marble floors in my scruffy slipper feet. Everyone but Giggy is trying harder than Charli Burnett‘s pants at the strip club. Actually I like Charli. Charli is surprisingly wry and snarky. I like Danica Dow too. Danica is psycho and it’s gonna keep creeping up again and again in interesting ways. I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Danica is the new Jax. Or maybe Season 1 & 2 Kristen Doute?
Last night on Vanderpump Rules we celebrated the re-wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney. Although the relationship continuation of these two toxic assholes is definitely not something anyone should be celebrating, I have to acknowledge that it was the most perfect wedding this show has ever had.
TomKatastrophe 2.0 totally encapsulated the cluster-fucky spirit of what we initially loved about Vanderpump Rules: real friends, down on their luck, but somehow pulling it together and making the most of it. Of course, there were two notable absences to this momentous event: Scheana Marie and Kristen Doute.
Scheana was off getting her eggs retrieved. No, she wasn’t at Whole Foods buying a half dozen in order to chat up the hot 20 year old in the dairy department who is just like her BEST. FRIEND. She just bought him a Roomba after they made eyes when she dropped a carton of skim milk, so now they’re like totally moving from the crush stage to the instagram stories official phase. To Scheana BFF stands for Best Fuck Friend. Scheana’s problem is that her brain is 13 but her biological clock is 34.
Most of the Vanderpump Rules cast members head to Las Vegas tonight for Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz’s wedding redo. It’s not all wedding bliss though. Schwartz finds a bra in his bag and it’s not Katie’s. Is something scandalous going on? Probably not, but there’s bound to be drama anyway.
Of course, Kristen Doute is flipping out back in West Hollywood because she was excluded. Again. Even Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd make the trip. Naturally, Lisa also uses the trip as an opportunity to publicize the Vanderpump Cocktail Garden.
Oh sheesh, after serial dating everyone else on the cast to see who sticks (aka who will even pretend to put up with them), Dayna Kathan and Brett Caprioni are finally getting their moment on Vanderpump Rules.
And then there is Stassi Schroeder literally begging Beau Clark for a ring. Isn’t this a pattern for her to demand these men want to commit on her terms? Just like it’s a pattern for Scheana Marie to fake BFF every guy under 30 who she meets at SUR, writing his initials in puffy paint circled by a heart on all her most favorite sweatshirts. Doodling SM + ANYONE WHO WILL LOVE ME AND MY PRACTICALLY BARREN GERIATRIC WOMB. Anyway, where is Lala Kent to point out Stassi’s flaws? Good thing we’re here to do that instead.
Seriously Scheana may not be able to land a date, but she’s certainly able to launch the would-be careers of previously no-name SURvers. Maybe she should finally give up waitressing to go work with Beau in central casting? (Not kidding!)
Things are happening on Vanderpump Rules. Dramatic things! Jax Taylor turned 40. We do not need to celebrate any more milestones for him though. Raquel Leviss is suddenly finding herself included in things. I can’t tell if that’s because Kristen Doute is finally finding herself EXcluded for not making Carter her official ex, or if it’s because Lala Kent wants to eviscerate Raquel in public. Or because James Kennedy has finally sobered up and everyone wants to experience the potential shit-show that is Sober James?
Lisa Vanderpump meets Ariana Madix for a little horseplay. Lisa has taught her horse to talk, likes to make-out with him, and can conjure his wiener on demand. Lisa is one step away from Carole Baskin, and Ken better watch out before he finds himself fed to a pen full of tiny ponies. You know Lisa’s next wedding will feature a slavish weirdo wearing a pink tasseled horse saddle while she holds him by the literal reigns.
(Please watch Tiger King. I will be recapping a couple episodes, and we need to discuss.)
For the past few seasons, it’s been tough for Vanderpump Rules viewers to sympathize with Katie Maloney. However, on tonight’s episode, her own husband, Tom Schwartz, really crosses a line. He talks down to her and humiliates her in front of the entire cast. And, oh yeah, the Vanderpump Rules viewers. Usually, the fans side with Schwartz just because he normally has such a lovable disposition. But, it will be very interesting to see how the Pump Rules fans feel after tonight’s episode. #TeamKatie on this one. This one time.
In other news, the cast gets together to celebrate Jax Taylor’s 40th birthday. Yeah, I know that we celebrate his birthday during every season of this show, but we also focused on his wedding for the first half of this current season. Can we get a break from the Jax-centered celebrations? Please. There are 13,000 other cast members on this show.