Before I continue with this recap I have two points to make:
1) Can we stop with the “My gays”? No one has “gays!” Just like no one has “heteros!” I loathe the so-called possession and ownership of “gays.” Gay people are just people, who are not ubiquitously defined by their sexuality no matter what Real Housewives want us to think. Plus, whatever “gays” Kyle has cobbled together, they clearly do not love her that much to let her dress that bad! Maybe it’s passive-aggressive payback for her leading them around LA referring to them as My Gay 1, My Gay Blonde, My Gay Ladysitter…
2) Why the hell would anyone fight for possession of “My Kim”? They do realize Kims come with Kingsley. And also, at the end of the day (HA!), it’s still Kim – who is praying to a trashcan and speaking gobbledy-goop, insisting it’s a language you just haven’t learned yet! It’s just Kim taking cancer medication as a fun-zany experiment while she accidentally smokes a dildo because she confused it with the e-cigarette she bought from that kiosk in the mall, on Tuesday, errrrr… I mean Wednesday, errrr… I mean during the 9, uhhhh 7, uuummmm 5 days she was in Promises Malibu the hospital working on her tan!
So here we are at Eileen Davidson‘s house where Kyle and Brandi are sobbing, shrieking, and shoving each other in the driveway. I’m pretty sure we learned in kindergarten to use conversation to solve problems, not name-calling, cuss words, gift bags, hands, side-boobs, bracelets, wine, or pizza?! Or Eileen’s driveway!
And while Kyle and Brandi are arguing over who gets custody of Kim Richards, Kim is standing their like “Duuuuuuude… I’m high. Where’s my pizza?” Literally she asked Brandi what happened to the pizza slice – well Brandi threw at your sister, Kim. I would say go grab another one but you’re probably banned from Eileen’s home!
Other than habitual mind games, I’m just gonna go ahead and declare that Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills should swear off game nights. The first one ended with a woman on crutches losing her crutches and being called a “slut pig” (holy foreshadowing metaphors at work there), and this latest one involved one woman almost needing crutches after being shoved down the stairs with a piece of pizza. Andy Cohen is redefining class for the modern age!
It all starts out innocently enough, Kyle Richards plans a spa day and the girls put on an odd assortment of outfits ranging from soccer mom at Target to ladies who lunch at Bergdorffs. (Lisa Vanderpump has been suffering from an over-dressing problem lately. Brandi Glanville has been suffering from a combo of under-dress/not wearing enough clothes problem).
Yolanda Foster is skipping this wonderful event, because despite being not being able to read, nor write, nor watch TV, she is in NYC micromanaging Gigi and Bella’s modeling careers and zipping around the globe hot on My Love‘s tail. YoFridgidaire is also seriously trying to make the stupid ‘Tile of Love’ walls happen because she sends Kyle a photo of her posed in front of the magnificent one the housekeepers made for Bella’s new apartment. I shade, but those Hadid girls are beyond beautiful and seem to have a really sweet relationship.
First of all, Kyle Richards‘ feelings of sadness when her children leave home are greater than the rest of ours because as Kyle told us 456,000 she never went to college – and she could have been a lawyer, you know, if she wasn’t a child star! Kyle should just go now – it’s not like she’d have to get student loans. Which she wouldn’t get anyway because Chanel doesn’t sell them.
What can be said about last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll say plenty – but did that actually happen? Did an Emmy-award winning actress really get a glass of backwashed wine thrown in her face by a desperate divorcee on a 10-year drunken meltdown? The answer to that question is unfortunately, yes.
Other things happened leading up to the white wine wash – it started with the last glamorous, happy, successful woman Brandi Glanville insulted on every level – Lisa Vanderpump. Brandi looked nice at that lunch, as if she played Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Yolanda Foster.
Boozdi is hosting a housewarming party for her latest rental. Lucky Kyle Richards lives 5 minutes away, which means Kyle is listing her house on the MLS – gotta keep up with the Fosters!
So Brandi’s house, let’s be honest: girl had it staged for the sake of this party. You know her real furniture consists of futons, plastic stacking chairs, a beerpong table, a keg-o-rator with Red Solo Cup dispenser, and jungle juice on tap. On Brandi’s Netflix Animal House, followed by Thelma & Louise are her most viewed selections. Outside there’s a sign that reads, “When you’re here, you’re home!”
Eileen Davidson is finally mingling with the group. They start her off gently, with the upper echelons of Malibu society, to ease her into the currant of RHOBH, by sending her off to lunch with Yolanda Foster, as supervised by Lipsa. Eileen is surprised to learn she and Yolanda have several things in common: children, anguish over the amount of work required of bossing servants around, and a propensity for micromanaging toilet cleaning. Yolanda expects us to believe she cleans her own toilets. Correction: I believe she cleans My Love‘s toilet so she has an excuse to snoop through his personal quarters. You know, just in case he has a few wayward piano keys or Grammys tucked away!
Eileen and Yolanda get along famously. Lisa is relieved. Her job here is done – now she can move on to more pressing personal matters, traveling to her hometown of Medford, OR to help her parents move out of her childhood home. To say it’s sad is an understatement, but it’s also touching and a really nice illustration that Lipsa has a kind soul, a good heart, and a down-to-earth, lovable spirit. She brings her teenaged daughters along with her. They are scoffish about Medford – even Lisa admits she never felt like she fit-in in small-town Oregon, because she was always dying to breakout her inner fabulosity – or her hoo-ha, preferably both (she admitted to wearing skirts so short you could practically see her “hoo-ha”).
Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, stars rose, hearts sunk, and Kim Richards‘ daughter got married in a gorgeous wedding, which was sweet and lovely and made me wanna be nice to Kim. I imagine that will be short-lived.
In what is surely the very definition of hell, Yolanda Foster is trapped on a rent-a-yacht in the middle of the ocean with Kyle Richards after receiving the news that her daughter Bella (soon to be known as The Disowned One) got a DUI. Yolanda sniffles through telling us that poor Bella had only ONE glass of wine and got pulled over. The injustice! Yolanda isn’t sure how to handle her children growing up and making decisions without her input. It hits her on an additional level because her father died in a car accident and she can’t believe Bella would be so careless.