Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Not much has changed since last season except for the fact that Lisa Vanderpump is being given the bitch edit. Or she's become a bitch? Or always was one? Whatever – things are odd so far!
Kyle Richards and Lisa spend the whole episode playing tit-for-tat and throwing shady covert digs at each other that are kind of diggy and kind of funny and definitely fake as the boobs in the ol' BH.
Things begin with Yolanda Foster chaperoning daughter GiGi's modeling shoot. GiGi is gorgeous and Yolanda could not be more proud. A fact she expresses by reminding GiGi that all the dieting and exercising has paid off. Yolanda is still rocking last season's outfit and the same set of natty extensions. You own a private plane – get better hair! I should cut the lady some slack, she has been battling lyme disease.
Not getting any slack from me is Kyle. Good ol' Splits! She's adding business woman to her resume because Kaftans Too For Me & You or whatever the H-E-Double-Hockeysticks her shop is called is now getting the attention of the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce. They want Kyle to join, presumably because the country club needs new robes and she has a bunch in stock.
Even Lisa Vanderpump was annoying me because she kept stooping to certain people's levels and getting bitchy and bickery with them. I want Lisa to be the bigger person and I'm sure this season has gotten to her and all the nonsense as taken its toll, but hopefully she hasn't gotten too big for her britches as the fan favorite. I don't want to start hating her next season. Just stay away from those Bitchards – they bring out the worst in everyone!
Things resume with the Richards sisters launching some sort of verbal bouncy-seat, finger pointing, hair swishing assault on the eternally composed Yolanda Foster. Good lord when those two start swinging their hair like Sweet Valley High rejects I secretly hope they lasso each other and end up in a spinning tornado floating off into space. I'm not sure why the powers that be at Bravo haven't made this happen. The ratings would be huge.
Last night on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale, Lisa Vanderpump's lovely vow renewal/housewarming party was infiltrated by some serious thugs in cocktail dresses.Adrienne Maloof showed up not six minutes after announcing her separation on TMZ and then she sat in the middle of the party like a centerpiece bawling about the marriage she openly hated on national television. If only that Paul Nassif wasn't such a desperate attention seeking jerk!
Everyone thought Adrienne's eleventh hour appearance was a cry for attention, except for Kyle Richards who believed it to be a cry for help since Adrienne couldn't answer her phone that day unless your number was 1-800-TMZ1!
And Faye Resnick. Yes, she's STILL there. Once Brandi Glanville and Yolanda Foster flee her admonitions of how to be a lady, they hide behind a column and fill Lisa in on the nonsense. Lisa is not impressed. Marisa Zanuck comes over to get clarification on what a hallpass is and the ladies manage to resolve their issues. Things go much better in the shade than they do the blinding sun; the blinding glares were reflecting off Faye's extra-taut skin giving everyone temporary insanity.
Faye is hereby dubbed MC for short. MC, of course, stands for Morally Corrupt. Long-live the real Camille Grammer, never a girl to mince words and never a girl who forgets to be pernicious. I do believe Camille's smirking S1 Dinner Party From Hell face is right next to the definition in the dictionary.
Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the ladies left Paris. They returned to the BH where the antics picked up where they left off and we learned Faye Resnick hadn't fallen off the face of the earth in their stead but instead was just waiting frozen faced and clammy in the cryogenic chamber for their return.
Splits Richards opened her very own boutique cause she's bored all day and if Kathy Hilton did it why can't she? And oh yeah – Taylor Armstrong got a rude awakening! Sweet justice.
Things begin with Splits waltzing onto the Ledo Deck in a full-on circus tent refashioned into a skirt. Apparently said skirt, a cacophony of patterns and colors, is available for $900 at her store. Oh, Kyle… at least you never lose hope! There's that right? I was a wee bit disappointed she didn't hop onto the mast for a full-flying Titanic rendition.
On last night's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills I was a little tad bit disappointed in Lisa Vanderpump. I want her to be unimpeachable. I want her to be pristine. I must accept – as we must all – that Lisa is only human. Lisa made a passive aggressive Splits Richards-esque comment toKim Richards (whom I will henceforth refer to as Rambles) because she was late to a cooking party.
Lisa joked this would be a repeat of Hawaii when everyone spent the whole trip waiting on Rambles. Then she asked if Kim took a sleeping pill. It was no bueno. Lisa said it, of course, in a teasing tone but Rambles got defensive and petulent. I know Lisa meant no harm and she is direct, but Kim is vulnerable (and a walking emotional volcano).
Lisa spent the entire evening discussing the Kim situation with Kyle and Mauricio instead of coming up to Kim and saying 'Look, I'm sorry. It was an inappropriate joke.' No instead she told everyone she had hurt Kim's feelings and didn't really know why or what to do. And Rambles complained that Lisa was "fake" and was trying to make her look bad.
Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills there was an intervention, the reveal of Ken Todd's secret life, and one incredibly boring trip to Paris which consisted of standing on a balcony in bad cocktail dresses speculating over whether or not Kim Richards was jet-lagged or relapsing.
Things begin at Kyle Richards' house where we are treated to the full scope of her sitting room. I certainly hope she isn't paying Faye Resnick for her design services because tacked onto the white walls are dead turtle shells. In other accents Kyle had American flag pillows strewn around her sectional. #Refund. Anyway, Kim loves this room. She just loves this room. Apparently in her house there is no place to sit down. She should hire Faye. Or you know, buy a couch! Craigslist, baby.
Segue: can you imagine how awesome the BH Craigslist offerings must be?
Anyway, one thing Kim isn't happy about, besides her lack of seating space, is Taylor Armstrong's behavior. After Taylor got drunk and took off with a married man whose private jet she's in love with and ditched her daughter with the nanny and Kyle, Kim is convinced Taylor has a little problem with the old Chardonnay. Something about Taylor slurring 'Keeedeeeee's with youse, Kow. I thought eye left er at ome with the burlr larm?' tipped her off to the problem.
So where do we begin with this mess of a show that is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? It was just a blur of white noise. Splits Richards decided there hadn't been enough drama as of late so she decided to host her annual White Party. I mean screw P Diddy and Cannes, this is THE event of the season. Bust out your white swim suit cover-ups, get ready to twirl your hair round your head like a helicopter (one of these days Kyle is going to take off!), and then go threaten to sue your friends! Open bar on the left.
In other happenings,Kim Richards got a nose job. I mean, what else has she got to do? Kim's nose job – not big news in the real BH, I imagine, but in the RHOBH it's cause for celebration. And why not? Kim has never entertained anyone not even us on this show so perhaps it's time for her to do some party hosting. Isn't that what these broads do with their spare time when they're not hiring lawyers because their girlfriends talk shit about them?
So anyway, Kim's having a re-done nose party (I hope she got a ton of cards that said: 'Congratulations on your re-done nose!'). She has this sweet little coffee bar set up and she's rocking a Mrs. Roper mumu as she swans around the pool. It was all very seventies. I've noticed a lot of what Splits and Kim do is circa seventies (hello… THE White Party, y'all!).
Speaking of Splits, she shows up towing along two adorable little girls and one orangey blob in a scarecrow wig. Yeah, Faye Resnick was there, but by the blessed gods of Bravo she barely spoke and stayed mainly off camera. Perhaps they wanted to keep the party focused on decent plastic surgery.
Well if ever there was a reason to recklessly abandon tea and convert to coffee, last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was it! Does tea just bring out the worst behavior in everyone – or is that wine? Or is it actually just that 3/4 of the people on this show are hideous specimens of humanity?
So Lisa Vanderpump tried to make amends last night. She took all her fancy British etiquette and tried to apply it to unscrupulous famewhores. Logic fail! She began with Splits Richards, whom Lisa had always believed to be a fun person, a friend, but underneath all Kyle's layers of caftans and hair lie a woman possessed. Possessed with the desire to be important and relevant – and most importantly famous. Enter Reality TV.
Then Lisa tried with Adrienne Maloof who was let out of the cryogenic freezer before her face fully thawed to socialize with the ladies. Adrienne's equally unappealing friend (and Kyle's Doppelganger) Faye Resnick was also hauled out for the unappetizing occasion. More on that thoughtless and repulsive decision later.