Scheana Marie

James

Today I come to tell a tale about the World’s Greatest DJ, who was persecuted and stalked, mercilessly harassed, and run out of clubs, all because the world wanted to possess his art and his talent. Naturally, I speak of James Kennedy, The White Kanye, and the rapper on the run from his tormentor Jax Taylor. Such are songs of sorrow played out on Vanderpump Rules.

Oh, last night was a doozy, filled with Ariana Madix‘s infamous sulk and the slow emancipation of Scheana Marie as she suddenly blinked into the light as it dawned on her that Stassi Schroeder‘s power and possession was an elaborate ruse. If only Katie Maloney would see such signs, but alas she’s too busy painting squiggly black lines over the sunrise of truth.

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stassi-schroeder-scheana-marie-wwhl

As naive as this sounds, I was actually pretty surprised when Scheana Marie Shay and Mike Shay announced that they were getting divorced after just two years of marriage. Sure, they weren’t the strongest reality TV couple, but Scheana was always all about her marriage, so I figured it would last longer. Scheana’s off-again-on-again friend Stassi Schroeder claims that she did see the split coming and that she noticed a “red flag” before they officially broke up.

I’m not sure if Stassi noticed the “red flag” at the time, or if it was more of a “hindsight is 20/20” situation. Either way, as a complete outsider, I have to say that I noticed the same thing while I watched this season of Vanderpump Rules. Still, I can’t tell if it’s something I would have genuinely noticed on my own or if it’s just a case of confirmation bias on part. Either way, these two are dunzo and it was actually pretty obvious.

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julie montagu

Well you know how a good reality star can never get enough camera time! In this week’s roundup of photos Phaedra Parks supports the Atlanta Falcons, Leah Messer swears she’s gotten her act together, and Brandi Glanville gets intimate.

Above, Julie Montagu demonstrates how to deal with the Mondays. The Ladies Of London star wrote, “HOW TO BEAT BLUE MONDAY”

“Monday is the least favourite day of the week for many people,” continued Julie, “But Blue Monday… well, it’s considered the worst Monday of them all. The party season is over, we may have already broken our resolutions, our bank account is in the red, and if you live in a cold climate for the month of January… the grey days don’t help either. Blue Monday is considered the most depressing day of the year. Yikes.”

Below you’ll find Kathryn Dennis dealing with her own blues, and more!

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Jax Gets Roasted

Really Vanderpump Rules has come down to a Fund-Rager and a contrived roast of Jax Taylor, which coincidentally happened while Brittany Cartwright‘s extra-crispy mama is in town? It’s so contrived. All of it. And it really frosts my lipstick.

But first, it’s Tom 1‘s party and everyone will cry if they want to, cry if they want to – you would cry too if these friends happened to you! The boys really got the birthday shafts, didn’t they – the girls got trips to Montauk and NASCAR, and they get made fun of and forced to do charity work. HA.

Well, Tom turned an indeterminate shade of 30 and celebrated not by raising awareness for himself or his attuned and wrinkle-free skin, but by inviting all of his friends to donate their easily-earned money to charity. Kristen Doute brought her crisp $20, handed it to the collection emcee and announced that now she has full-license to be bad for all eternity in exchange for this one good deed. Jax didn’t have that luck – his card was declined when he tried to give a measly $100. His karma, as always, remains, in despair.

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Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval on WWHL

Ariana Madix must feel like a kindergarten teacher most days – you know, that moment when you look around and notice that you are literally the ONLY adult in the room? Despite this phenomenon, the Vanderpump Rules star says she’s been fairly happy with how this season has gone thus far, and with the fan feedback she’s been getting. But she does warn that things are about to get crazier (than usual?) during the second half of season five – and that she’ll inevitably get caught up in the madness.

Of the mid-season VPR trailer released this week, Ariana says, “It looks really intense. It’s funny, because everything has been pretty good so far, but now I’m getting kind of nervous for the rest of the season. It’s really ramping up.”

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Ariana at Katie's Bridal shower

So, do we think Brittany Cartwright‘s mama is going to be successful in her quest to get Jax Taylor into a church?! If so, will the holy water turn him into liquefied jelly – or will he start speaking in tongues?! Oh wait, he already does… Yes, an exorcism must be done on Vanderpump Rules, but shockingly, Jax isn’t the one who needs it. OK, maybe he does, but not as bad as some people…

So let me tell you a little story about a Three-Headed SheBeast named KriStasstie – if that sounds like a very weird food served in an eastern European prison, or a disease you probably do not want to contract from a monkey, well, it’s not far off.

This is the story about three women who have absolutely NO IDEA how unimportant their opinions are, and their self-aggrandized delusions about their amazing friendships are, well, sad. Really sad. Thank goodness we have the ‘boyfriend stealing’ Ariana Madix, of the dewy mermaid skin and evil eye to put them in their place. And their place is out by the dumpsters at SUR. Who knows…they may even be puking in them.

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tom-ariana

The only two sane people left on Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix, were Andy‘s guests tonight on Watch What Happens Live. They covered a variety of topics, including Lala Kent, James Kennedy, Scheana Marie‘s mystery man and more!

Andy plays clips from Kristen Doute‘s comedy sketch and asks Ariana for her thoughts. She very diplomatically says, “I think it’s cool when people work hard on their thing and put it out there. It’s a harsh world out there, so there’s going to be some positive and there’s going to be some negative opinions.”

Stassi Schroeder

During a recent episode of Watch What Happens Live, Andy Cohen was doing what he could to set up Stassi Schroeder with Timber Creek Lodge star Mark Milburn. And to be honest, it really didn’t seem like he was off base. They’re both attractive Bravo stars and they had a lot of matching answers when Andy quizzed them on various dating preferences. So did they actually end up going out?

It would be pretty cool if Stassi and Mark ended up dating, especially since Andy set up Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg during an episode of WWHL and they are now happily married. Plus, it’s rare for Stassi to be single, so I feel like it’s not going to last for long. Still, even though they had a lot of the same answers during Andy’s game, that might not do it for Stassi. She seems to be pretty picky, but then again she dated Jax Taylor for years, so what the hell am I talking about?

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