Just when you think the twists on Vanderpump Rules can't get any twistier – they do! Now the entire plotline is like one of those loop-de-loop straws where you go cross-eyed trying to watch the liquid wind through the twists and curves. It sure makes for exciting TV, though!
Things begin with the annual SUR photoshoot. The theme is always endless summer because what is SUR if it's not attractive near-naked people doing Vegas-y things, which is what everyone wants near their food.
Kristen Doute is not participating because she's practically fired for her antics last week and the week before and the week before… and basically since the land before time. Lisa Vanderpump really doesn't care if Kristen bangs Jax Taylor, but she better not bring her hoochie drama into Lisa's restaurant. Lisa has lines, and although those lines are twistier and blurry-er than a bendy straw, they are there.
Lisa's other concern, besides Kristen's behavior, is Jax's lack of remorse over the entire thing. He's at the photoshoot flaunting his pecs and bragging about how the male modelizer is baaack baby! Not quite. True Fact: I remember seeing Jax in Vogue in days of yore. It sure is a shame that he has destroyed his looks. He should just get on with his inevitable destiny of marrying Lindsay Lohan and having some trainwreck reality show starring Dr. Drew Fakesy.
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Lisa is sneering at him and basically vomiting politely in her teacup as she asks him how he can possibly be OK with destroying a friendship and treating Tom 1 so cruelly. Jax's answer: "Tom and Kristen's relationship is such bulls#*!" Even Lisa, omnificent mommy of SUR, cannot talk sense into this lump of congealed silicone.
At that moment Tom 1 arrives looking snazzy in his sulk face. He's forced to model with Jax and avoid drowning him in the pool. I'm impressed by his restraint. Before the shoot Tom got beers with Kristen. She continues to deny any banging of Jax. Tom might believe her except for those text messages he saw. Kristen actually claims that Jax somehow faked the messages and made it appear they were sent from her. Does Kristen really expect ANYONE to believe Jax is capable of hacking a phone? He's practically brain dead.
Apparently Tom 1 is also braindead. Seriously. At the photo shoot Stassi Schroeder fills him in on all the gory details of Kristen and Jax's banging. And it was a banging to remember. Tom just has grumpy cat sulk. The le sads is pouring out of his soul the way axe body spray and whiskey shed their stench from Jax's. Was anyone else yelling at the TV, "GROW SOME BALLS TOM 1!" If only we could buy him a Chia Pet pair of testicles. #kickstarter
Lisa suggests to Tom that the true travesty is not that Jax betrayed him, but the woman he supposedly loves did. Poor Tom, even with Lisa's gently coddling lecture he could not give up on K-bangs just yet. But the seed was planted. The plant mush was rubbed all over the chia pet of his heart and it was starting to sprout.
After the shoot Tom heads home where Kristen vehemently denies the banging again. Tom does not believe her. They are headed to Scheana Marie's engagement party, a catalyst for Jax and Tom being forced to confront each other – again, and Kristen is wrapping a pile of pink presents taller than the mounting lies she's living in and she still maintains that she is innocent of banging Jax. Except now Tom 1 definitely doesn't believe her.
Nor should he. Because at the party, Kristen confesses THAT SHE SLEPT WITH JAX! SHE ADMITTED IT! It was the only time ever in the history of the world that Stassi was silent. She was all set to apologize to Kristen for smacking her in the face (something Lisa was making her do) when Kristen beat her to the punch by fessing up. And Tom 1 is standing by her. Stassi looked sad for Tom; it made her strangely and unfortunately human. No, Stassi – stay on the dark side.
Before all that happens, Scheana hops on the bar in some atrocious bedazzled wedge sneakers and serenades Shay with her new "song", Good As Gold. Personally if my fiance sang that to me I would call off the wedding because surely they are trying to kill me. Surely they hate me. But oh no, this ode to love and Shay (because he's good as gold) was supposedly a gift. Without the benefit of autotune, Scheana sounded like an orchestra of rasping chain smokers. It was bad.
Then Tom 1 confronts Jax, who is holding firm in his lack of remorse. Tom starts to cry about how he got "jacked" in all of this – and quite literally he did. He got Jaxed. And probably he also got herpes. What Jax should have said: "Dude, I'm sorry. I'm a shitty friend. But Kristen is a skanky whore, let her go. I'm sorry I betrayed you. I love you. Shot?" But instead he just shrugged and was like, 'Sorry, not sorry!'
If you think the drama ended there, it didn't! Andy Cohen wasn't letting us off the hook that easily.
Lisa gets stuck talking a hysterical Kristen down from the edge. Kristen is sobbing about how she messed up everything and Lisa is like, sooooo are you quitting? That would totally save me actually having to fire you. Cause you are fired for bringing so much drama and unpleasantness into my restaurant AND sucking at your job. Yep, so Kristen is out.
Before leaving, Tom 1 gives Jax a parting shot. Since Jax claims he doesn't feel anything over destroying his friendship with Tom, Tom punches him in the forehead asking, "Do you feel this?" Jax is resilient – he hops up and charges Tom 1 while getting doused in drinks. As they are ripped apart Scheana wails about how her party is ruined and like her brand new teeth Mrs. Potatoe Head teeth might just yank right out if she got hit in the face. Maybe she can write a moving and emotional ballad about it?
Lisa soothes Jax by wiping the blood off his face, "Do you need a plastic surgeon?" she asks her voice full of concern. If only Jax had answered, "No but I do need a shrink."
Good for Vanderpump Rules for providing us with equal opportunity brawls – last week was the girls and this week the boys. They don't discriminate there at Bravo!
And that's that – Kristen banged Jax. Tom 1 and Kristen left together. Jax got bruised and bloodied. Tom 1 lost a friend. And Stassi ran through the restaurant, arms outstretched yelling, "I win! I WON! WINNING!"
Also this happened. I hate Stassi even more than ever!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – ARE YOU SHOCKED KRISTEN ADMITTED TO BANGING JAX? DO YOU THINK TOM AND KRISTEN WILL STAY TOGETHER?