Vanderpump Rules Recap: Recipes For Disaster

kristen doute confronts tom sandoval at SUR

Does denial grow on trees in sunny California? What about psychosis? I mean, it must, right if  Vanderpump Rules is any indication of life in LA. Last night Katie Maloney had an awakening and Tom Sandoval had a’shakening when he realized that Kristen Doute really is stalking him and he is going to end up the subject of a cautionary tale seen on Lifetime. Hey – I’d watch, but only if they cast an actor with better hair. 

Lisa Vanderpump is swanning around Villa Blanca, pruning roses, whistling while she works, conversing with birds when one of her 7 gnomes – Sleazy – arrives. Jax Taylor is just hoping for some free food – and some permission to start “banging” the new hostess Vail. Lisa immediately attempts to put the breaks on that notion by snipping the pruning sheers near Jax’s poker. 

Before Lisa even has the opportunity to take off her transparent unicorn leather gardening gloves (special edition Gucci), gnome 2 – Sniffly – arrives to burst in to tears. Katie blames being allergic to decent human beings and scents other than stale booze for her watery eyes. She tells Lisa that Tom 2 would rather have Jax in his life than Katie, but she doesn’t want to be alone. What if she turns into Kristen?!


katie maloney discusses relationship with tom schwartz

Lisa is aghast – never marry a man who puts anyone else before you, she warns, as she schedules Katie an appointment to meet with Dr. Brandi Glanville, expert in what happens when you marry the wrong one. Katie decides she and Tom 2 are going to counseling. Lisa gives up. 

While Lisa is attempting to control three restaurants, a Pomeranian flock, and Ken’s hair, Scheana Marie is just trying to control her friendship with Kritter. Scheana is always trying to be that girl, whom everyone likes so she can be in the middle of all the gossip and drama – but sometimes (OK, like every time Scheana leaves the house) it bites her in the ass – which must explain her jorts, right?

Scheana has drinks with Kristen and James Kennedy because she wants James to produce a track for her new song. James smirks that his cat could produce better music than the previous songs Scheana put out, but the obvious reason is that Scheana cannot sing – even with assistance from the Supreme Goddess: Autotune.

Kristen snorts that Scheana is only nice to her when she needs something – like Scheana needs James to make music for her. Of course what Kritter doesn’t say is that she’s only nice to Scheana when she needs something – like to convince her to spread a rumor that Tom 1 is cheating on Ariana Madix. Or inviting herself to Scheanan’s bachelorette weekend in Miami where Ariana and Tom 1 will also be!

You know, so they can all put the past behind them. Or so Kristen can cry into Ariana’s underwear, break every single one of her eyeshadows, cut out Ariana’s sidebraid while she’s passed out, glue it to her own head, and seduce Tom 1 when he’s drunk. Then Kritter can tell everyone that Tom 1 cheated on Ariana with her because he’s never moved on. Delusional fantasy world, anyone?!

Anyway, Kristen and James decided to go to Miami because they were invited. Scheana sat there, her mouth agape for so long her  7-layers of lipgloss evaporated and she turned into a cautionary tale of how one’s face will freeze like that. James decides he needs to have a chat with Tom 1 before Miami so they will get along … for Shay

stassi, katie, vail bloom do dinner

Stassi Schroeder wants to have her cake and eat it too: she wants to lambaste SUR for how much it sucks, yet she never wants to leave. She and some SURvers get dinner with Vail. Vail feeds them her opening line about going to Princeton where she did not earn a degree in common sense or sanity. Proof of that, according to Stassi, 1) She works at SUR, 2) She thinks Jax is a nice person. 

Stassi gives Vail a little lesson in surviving SUR – stay away from Jax and Kritter, how to sneak wine and not get caught (ahem.. Kristen), do not date anyone but Peter. Although perhaps convincing Vail to hit on James may be ultimate revenge… Gee, since Stassi is unemployed and has a lot of time on her hands, maybe she should write the employee handbook? She is a blogger, you know, she can write! (Have you read her blog?) 

Later Scheana goes over to James‘ apartment to hear the track he produced – she’s rapping on this single. You would think Scheana could at least convince Lisa to introduce her to David Foster for her next song… Obviously. Scheana sucks at many things but at the top of that list is definitely singing.

While there Scehana gets a call from Tom 1. Kristen all but smacks the phone out of Scheana’s hand and starts licking it, instead she sits on her hands, bites her lips, and tries to control the drool while Scheana yammers on and on about Jax. See, Jax broke up with Tiffany and now he needs support. 

jax taylor juggles relationships - texts vail bloom

Scheana goes to Tom 1‘s where first they deal with nail polish drama – Tom 1 can’t get his off. Welcome to Tom 1’s world, he’s an everyday ordinary girl… Jax explains that his breakup with Tiffany was just a big old misunderstanding: he drove to a different state not realizing San Diego is actually in California too, got drunk, yelled at Tiffany, then they had sex and are not broken up. Ooooh! Vail is calling him – they’re gonna get coffee. No one’s sure what happened, except Jax and Tiffany are apparently not broken up but Jax is also apparently trying to non-date VailJax is so filled with lies. It’s what’s running through his veins, keeping him alive, instead of blood. 

The most important revelation is that Tom 1 still has the couch where Jax banged Kristen – he steam cleaned it twice! That so does not cut it! Invite Kritter over and send that thing home with her, then get on Craigslist and buy a new one immediately! 

Jax gets coffee with Vail because she wants to see if her Princeton smarts hold up against Ultimate Decepticon. Ignoring the obvious fact that Jax is definitely more manipulative than she is, they bond over blow-induced needs for nose jobs. Oh drug-addled love. The only word Jax heard in that sentence is blow because he thought of Vail doing that to him. I think Vail likes bad boys and doesn’t care if Jax is a smarmy – she’d bang him!

Back at SUR, James promises Lisa that everything will be perfect while she’s off cultivating Pomeranians in the magical land of Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers. Then he immediately waltzes up to Tom 1 so they can “talk.”

tom sandoval just wants kristen doute to leave him alone

Tom 1 is surly because he wants nothing to do with Kritter and her messy lapdog James. Although they will be in Miami together, Tom 1 has no intention of making nice with James, but instead will to ignore him. As Tom 1 and James bicker, while being careful not to muss their hairs, Kritter is smirking in the background, eavesdropping, like – OMG boys are fighting over MEEEEEEEEE. Um, no – one boy is fighting to escape you and the other boy is fighting for camera time.

Tom 1 calls Kritter kamikaze psychotic and retreats behind the bar, where Krsiten stomps up to demand he stop saying mean things about her. Tom 1 tells her he doesn’t care about her, he just wants Kristen (and by proxy James) to leave him alone.

Of course, this was Kristen’s plan all along: to force James into a conversation with Tom 1, so she has a reason to publicly confront him, making a big scene to make him look bad, so she can further her victim act by shrieking about how he’s cheating on Ariana just like he cheated on her, and he’s a horrible person who doesn’t respect her and treats her like crap. It’s pathetic – and transparent. 

james kennedy and kristen doute confront tom sandoval at SUR

Even if Tom did cheat on Ariana – it’s not Kristen’s business. I don’t think Tom cheated, BTW – no matter how many times Kristen insists it’s true. Furthermore even it were true, no one would believe perpetual liar vendetta stalker ex Kristen! Seriously – Kristen cannot accept reality. Time to take a little vacation to the psych ward! 

And Scheana needs to grow-up and dis-invite Kristen to Miami for her “best friend” Ariana’s sake. Bitches before Witches, yo! 


[Photo Credits: Bravo]