Last night was part 2 of Scheana Marie‘s wedding on Vanderpump Rules. And outside of Bridezilla meltdowns and parking lot brawls it was a beautiful event. It appears that it’s not a Scheana Marie party without somebody gettin’ punched…
Also, heavily beaded crop-top wedding gowns with satin skirts do not hold up to the force of an evening, because as the drama escalated Scheana’s dress started to sag.
Kristen Doute wipes away tears as she congratulates Scheana. The faraway look in her eye is focused on Tom Sandoval, nuzzling Ariana Madix‘s neck as they giggle at an inside joke. Kristen remembers those days, etched deeply into her fabricated memories. Kristen so wanted to rip Scheana’s wedding gown off of her, tackle Tom 1 with it – muzzling him with the 15 pound pearl-beaded crop-top, wrap him up in the table cloth skirt, and drag him to the altar!
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Poor Kritter directed her frustration onto Lisa Vanderpump, when through gritted teeth she hissed that Lisa fired her for personal reasons and never liked her. Kristen actually told Lisa she had no business getting involved in her “personal problems” and therefore those weren’t grounds for firing. Well Kristen, first of all, it’s not Lisa’s fault you’re so unlikable. And second of all, when you bring your “personal problems” to Lisa’s personal restaurant, than it becomes Lisa’s problem!
Lisa wished Kristen good luck with perfectly British constrained contempt, holding her nose to ward off the cigarette smell, all while imagining drowning Kristen in the fountain of LVP Sangria. Kristen awkwardly hugged Lisa goodbye and Lisa used some of her Vanderpump Vodka as disinfectant, dabbing gently at her McQueen gown in the areas where Kristen made contact. “Oh Ken,” she breathes, “that girl is one glass of rose short of a bottle. And oh look – she’s driving poor James to absolute obliteration. She’s so going to end up with Jax.”
Everyone flocks to the reception where Scheana has a shrieking meltdown and yelled “f–k” over the intercom because the DJ willing to play the wedding for free screwed up the timing for her entrance song and messed up Scheana’s twerk. Scheana will have you know she had had skirt specially engineered to accommodate a booty pop. How… so very Scheana.
All these musical mishaps happening at Scheana’s wedding are her karma for repeatedly subjecting us to her “singing.”
At home, the two little misfit has-beens Stassi Schroeder and her Anonymous Clone, get margaritas and furtively stalk instagram for photos from the wedding. Stassi cackles at the sight of Scheana’s crop top wedding dress, which she dubs the “ugliest f–king wedding dress I’ve ever seen.”
I agree, it is one of the ugliest gowns I’ve seen this side of 1988, but Stassi really has no room to talk about anyone’s fashion choices when she dresses like a cross between an Easter Egg dipped Olsen Twin and a Golden Girl. Seriously – pastel colored schmattas with giant rhinestone earrings. Even Blanche Devereaux would return from the grave for an intervention.
Stassi then focuses her bitter old biddy mocking to Lisa, whom she laughs at for wearing a bondage gown and dressing Ken and Giggy in matching suits. Yeah, it was so transparent – as transparent as the seafoam mumus Stassi likes to wear as dresses. Don’t quit your day job of making “statement necklaces” in your crawl space.
Stassi criticizing anyone’s fashions is as laughable as her describing herself as a designer and stylist. She quips that it sucks to be left out of a party with an open bar, but at least she has her dignity and pride. Oh sweet dear, no, no you don’t. Your dignity and pride disappeared about as fast as you sucked that margarita down. Dignity and Pride? You dated Jax and your “job” is stringing together beads from the craft store, while waiting desperately for your geriatric apparition of a man to propose. Stassi sighs wistfully as she tells Kristina that she wants to get married. At least she has her one last little anonymous clone – and it looks like next week she gains a Kristen who comes slithering and crawling back with a desperate agenda. Lord – “Pathetic” is the word.
Back at the wedding, Peter is wooing Vail and I’m pretty sure wearing his SUR uniform, shirt unbuttoned to show maximum waxed chest. I’m guessing that uniform was the only thing Peter had clean – probably because Lisa launders them for the staff. Peter so needs an episode of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. Help this man! He has SOOOO much potential.
Jax Taylor is seated with Carmen, and was also supposed to be seated next to Vail on the other side. She defected to Peter, whom sadly is the cleaner of the two options. Jax mistakenly assumes because Carmen is seated next to him, she’s his date to the wedding and therefore will be sleeping with him. Carmen storms out. Welp there are 300 people at this wedding, one of those girls is bound to get drunk enough to sleep with Jax! Jax, instead, tries his luck flirting with Lisa, who chuckles that she wouldn’t even be wiling to waste that 10 minutes for experiments sake.
Basically Jax wants to impersonate Tom 1 and Ariana for a night. They are on the dance floor, so lovey-dovey and happy. Tom gushes about how amazing she is – and they do seem really legit in love. One man’s fairytale – Tom’s – is another woman’s nightmare – Kristen’s! Kristen tries to make Ariana burst into flames with her glare, then contemplates putting a laxative in her champagne. Or maybe she could taser her, scalp her, and then a passed out Tom would never know the difference… Watching her plot, James, sourly, gets drunker and drunker and drunker… Then Kristen accuses James of being wasted, self-absorbed, irrational, and causing drama – basically being her for an evening. Kristen storms out too.
Also having relationship drama are Tom 2 and Katie Maloney. Tom wants to prove to Katie he’s growing up – slowly – so he gives her a ring. On a necklace. “A ring on a string?!” Katie scoffs. Tom is perplexed – it’s like one itty-bitty baby step towards proposal. “This is not the type of ring you give a girl pushing 30 who wants a commitment,” Katie snaps, bursting into tears.
Time to cut the string Katie – before you’re pushing 40 finally getting a “promise” ring from our little drunken Peter Pan! Tom tries to curl up into a little ball to rock himself to comfort.
Lisa notices Katie’s tears and gently consoles her, explaining sweetly and kindly, that Katie needs to make a decision about how long she’s willing to wait. “That’s a beautiful ring, and a lovely present, but not right for the situation or what you want,” she says softly. Katie should have smacked Tom 2 in the face with that ring on the string, thrown it in the fountain, then found a hot guy at the wedding.
Scheana has another freak-out about timing – she hasn’t thrown her bouquet, done the dollar dance, or cut the cake yet people are leaving, Ariana talks her down from the edge like a good friend. But people are leaving – Kristen to be exact! Kristen flees with her trainer, some guy named Tyler. James chases her out into the parking lot because he’s furious that she takes advantage of him, mistreats him and spends all her time obsessing about Tom. “You’re unmanageable, Kristen, that’s why you’re 31 and never gonna find a guy to marry you,” he screams. BOOM! And TRUTH! And OUCH!
Kristen yells at James to leave her alone then punches him in the face and runs away. Apparently Kristen doesn’t enjoy being stalked and followed through parking lots with people screaming at her that she’s a terrible person! Hmmmm… now she knows how Tom 1 and Ariana felt during when she ambushed them with MiamiGirl! Kristen is 31 and not even mature enough to handle a ring on a string.
James skulks back to the wedding where commiserates with Tom 1 about what a psycho Kristen is. Tom is like, TOLD YOU SO!
As the wedding ends Scheana‘s friends drink and swap stories at the casita she rented. Katie is happy she decided not to focus on negativity – or negative people like Stassi – who is back at home guzzling frozen daiquiris in her PJs whining about how she thought Katie was her friend and she WOULD have been in her mythical wedding.
James tells Scheana about Kristen punching him, she gets angry that Kristen ruins everything. The next morning, Scheana wakes up and realizes she has to clean up the entire reception site because she decided to skimp on a cleaning crew. Then she starts ranting about how tacky, gross, and classless Kristen is for punching James. If the first thing Scheana is thinking about after her Barbie dream princess wedding is Kristen! And cleaning! It sounds like her wedding night wasn’t so hot!
Shay sleeps in while Tom, Ariana, Katie, Jax, and Tom 2 help Scheana clean flowers out of the fountain and pick up trash. But they had fun – the type of interaction real friends have. Seems like shedding the negative weight of Stassi and Kristen really brought this group together. Jax eats a vending machine Sticky Bun Katie found on the ground – still in its package – and Scheana chugs a cheap beer.
All in all, a good time was had by all. Except for Kristen and Stassi! Well, they have each other to wallow in hatred, animosity, and bitterness.
Also, my favorite part of the reception was Scheana’s dad on the dance floor. He was having a blast and living it up!
TELL US – A RING ON A STRING: PATHETIC OR A SWEET GESTURE? KRISTEN PUNCHING JAMES: WARRANTED OR PSYCHO?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]