Last night on Vanderpump Rules there was a wedding instead of cheating drama! Scheana Marie got married and it had all the tackery and whinery one would expect. What one could not expect is that she spent approximately $100,000 on disco glitter and tantrums.
Things begin with Scheana visiting Lisa Vanderpump‘s house for a pre-wedding check-in. Lisa wants to know if Scheana is really in love with Shay, the lurking hulk of gooey melted gummy bears that is about to become her permanent bedmate. Scheana is – why, she couldn’t tell you. What Scheana CAN tell you is that the heart wants what the bride wants no matter what it costs! It is HER. DAY to be pretty princess for a change, to usurp Stassi Schroeder as the unequivocal self-dubbed princess in the big pouffy dress and have all the attention ON. HER.
Lisa wonders how Scheana is paying such extravagances as 5 sets of mink eyelashes and 50,000 rhinestone-studded rose pedals… Well, since you asked, Scheana is using her lawsuit settlement! BRAKES SCREECH… what, you say? Remember when Scheana broke her teeth and had to have 6 hours of agonizing dental surgery and no one visited her in the hospital? Well Scheana sued whomever broke her teeth and got a settlement, which she is blowing on her very own Barbie dream wedding!
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Lord – I can just hear Scheana calling one of those ambulance chaser attorneys with rhyming TV commercials because her teef broke. The kind with local commercials like, “Accident – why wait?! Call xxx-xxx8!” (Cause “8” rhymes with “wait”).
Scheana walks us through all the ways she’s doing her wedding on a “budget.” The rehearsal dinner is at SUR because of her “employee discount,” the Vanderpump-Todds donated the vodka and sangria for the reception, she’s getting married on a Sunday because that’s also cheaper. She found her “wedding coordinator” on instagram and it’s only costing her $3k! Wedding coordinator – I use that term loosely because this woman has obviously never coordinated anything – including her own outfit. And she was certainly not well-versed in handling the hissyfits of brides.
While Schenana is lecturing said wedding coordinator on how to coordinate a wedding, Shay is getting a shave and a haircut with his best bras. They meet in an alley behind the salon, hiding near the artfully hipster-graffitied dumpster, all the pretty boys with their slicked back hair, wearing their sparkly manpris, like an off-broadway gay pride version of West Side Story.
Tom, Tom and Jax surprise Shay with 40’s of Steel Reserve, which they all pour out in solidarity because one of their numbers is dropping out and joining the ranks of mainstream. Then they stomp on Shay’s designer sneakers, which is the metro-version of jumping someone out of a gang. Over haircuts Shay announces he probably won’t cry at the wedding. Hmmm… I’d cry if I was resigned to hearing Scheana’s voice for LIFE – especially if she sings. Don’t bother with the Steel Reserve, Shay – we understand. Tears For Fears, y’all. Tears. For. Fears. Tom 1 naturally spends the most time obsessing about his shave, then marvels at how smooth it will feel in between Ariana’s legs. True love there kids!
At Scheana’s rehearsal dinner – James Kennedy arrives solo, dressed like a member of the BeeGees, with a t-shirt down to his navel and layered chains. He so desperately wants to be part of the WeHOE Side Stories & Lies gang.
As Ariana is off catering to Scheana’s whining fits about how a ruffle is not sparkly enough and one of the roses is less hot pink than she wants – and Scheana is kind of paying for it because she used a Groupon, Tom 1 takes the opportunity for some karamactic retribution by f–king with James.
Tom informs James that he’s being cuckolded and played by Kristen, who has been texting him behind James’ back. James pretends he doesn’t care, but I think he wet his pants. Tom coyly (on purpose) asks James not tell Kristen, but James whines that he tells Kristen everything.
Of course when he tells Kristen – her reaction: OH SO PRICELESS. She accuses Tom of being “obsessed” with her life. And is furious that Tom 1 “ambushed” James. Because that’s not at ALL what Kristen did in orchestrating Miami Girl barging into SUR to confront Tom at work. Mmmmmm…
Kristen insists she was just texting Tom to be nice – she can prove this because she used an “emoji” – not a winky-face emoji as Tom said, but a different one and since she has EVERY TEXT they’ve ever exchange, she’ll go through the archives. <major creepy> to prove it! James does not look convinced. Oh Kristen… didn’t texts bust you on sleeping with Jax last season? Some people never learn. Definition of insanity…
I wonder how much Scheana paid Kristen for her delusional act? Or was that included in the $3k wedding coordinator’s package? The night before the wedding Scheana gives her bridal party custom-made wine glasses with three-dimensional boobs. WHAT is she spending $100,000 on again?!
Then it’s wedding day. Lots of glitter and orange tan, lots of Scheana whining, and one Kristen inviting herself into the bridal suite to get hair and makeup done to intimidate Ariana.
Apparently, Scheana totally FORGOT the wedding present she made Shay, a series of boudoir photos for him to drool over. She left it at home, and the only “friend” she has who is available to go to her apartment and bring it to the wedding is Kristen. Scheana can’t just give Shay the photos the next day – oh no, she has to call Kristen now. She then has to call her apartment complex security to allow Kristen access (Scheana really is a few rhinestones short of a janky dollar store tiara), and then Kristen has to bring it to the bridal suite where everyone is getting ready – including Ariana.
Ariana, Scheana’s MOH, is not comfortable with this, and mentions it, but Scheana is like I NEED MY PHOTOS AND KRISTEN IS COMING HERE SO GET OVER IT! Katie Maloney is concerned for Ariana. She, unlike, Scheana is considerate to a friend. Scheana, sadly, attended Stassi Schroeder‘s Friendship Academy on how to be the worst friend ever.
Kristen waltzes in and announces she’s getting her hair and makeup done too. Ariana decides to go get herself dressed and bail on Scheana, who is left all by her lonesome with a plastic handle of cheap whiskey, wandering around looking for someone help her ensemble her crop-top wedding dress. Scheana’s aunt made the dress, and nothing against her craftsmanship, but Scheana has abysmal taste. It was literally festooned with a zillion pearls. It was a “crop-top” because that’s Scheana’s “thing” and the skirt was a different color white than the top.
The boys are taking too long with the pampering and because Tom had a custom tux jacket made for Shay, as a right of passage, and they need to do a fashion show. Tom 1 gushes about how much “pizzaz” the jacket has. Pizzaz huh? I associate Shay more with pizza, but it was a fabulous jacket. Of course the boys are taking so long playing dress up and beauty salon that the wedding is late getting started and Scheana starts to freak the f–k out.
Meanwhile Lisa is in the audience, sitting directly in front of fired Kristen, and musing about how she can’t wait until Tom and Ariana get married. Season 4 SUR wedding!? Get the restraining order now! Lisa is such shady minx and I LOVE HER. Kristen is fuming and being fake-nice from her seat. “You can put lipstick on a Kristen, but it’s still a Kristen,” assesses Lisa. Makeup doesn’t hide TRUE COLORS – true colors in shades of crazy like Boiled Bunny, Red Hot Mess, Stalker In The Dark Night, Change My Identity nude, and Not Without My Cablebox matteblack.
Jax Taylor decides that he’s gonna be like George Clooney and play bachelor for a few more years, and then get married, but not to some boring human rights attorney. Yeah, nothing like that. More than likely Jax will end up marrying his defense attorney, while he’s in prison. Or Kristen. While he’s in prison. Or she is!
Somehow while waiting for the groomsman, Scheana ends up standing in the janitorial closet, which is one of the two funniest things about this wedding. We’ll get to the second funniest part later. Poor Scheana – all she wanted was a princess Barbie dream wedding, but she’s more like Cinderella, (Bitcherella, actually), stranded in the broom closet while her hot mess of a discount wedding coordinator panics. Finally the men show up, the wedding party is down the aisle, BUT then the singer is given the wrong cue to being the processional song for Scheana’s grand entrance. #YouGetWhatYouPayFor
Scheana erupts from the broom closet, holding a mop like a sword, threatening NOT to use it as directed and demands the wedding coordinator STOP SINGER because it’s SCHEANA MARIE’s BROKE-ASS CROP-TOP DISCOUNT BARBIE PRINCESS WEDDING MOMENT AND SO HELP HER SHE WILL BEAT A BITCH WITH A HANDLE OF WHISKEY AND A REUSABLE SOLO CUP SHOT GLASS! This is the second funniest moment of the wedding: The irony of Scheana Marie demanding someone else stop singing!!
The singer re-sang the song, on cue, that beaded crop-top made it down the aisle and said “I Do” to Shay, who didn’t cry, but did look happy. Maybe because he thought the zillion pearls festooning Scheana’s bikini top were white chocolate Raisinettes.
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF SCHEANA’S WEDDING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo & Twitter]
Scheana walking down the aisle with her sweet parents.
You can win your own three-dimensional boob wine glasses! Score!