“It’s my party and I can be immature if I want to, bitch if I want to – you would tell lies and ruin people’s lives too if it happened to you!” So that’s the theme song for Vanderpump Rules and singing it in a beautiful, lyrical duet with perfect harmonization are Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute.
Lisa Vanderpump is ready for the annual SUR Photoshoot. To celebrate the ten-year anniversary she decides on a 50’s greaser theme, shooting at the old-fashioned Pink Motel complete with a drained cement pool, a pink Cadillac, and a whole lotta Aqua Net on display.
I love the theme, and Lisa wearing a white t-shirt, red lips, and killer 50’s cat-eye shades like the Madame of the Pink Ladies was (aka, Rizzo, after she married a rich mobster and starting running Staten Island) was amazing.
Since Super Stylist Stassi was unavailable to style people she doesn’t like, Lisa had to go ahead and hire a real professional, who can like do her job, put personal differences aside, and recognize the importance of client relations.
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Tom Sandoval took over hair and makeup with a flourish of an aerosol can and a fully illustrated diagram on how to perfectly arch his eyebrows (a 13-step tutorial on the ultimate guide to parting hair was also included). Jax Taylor was there for the free cigarettes. Scheana Marie got confused about the theme, thinking they were filming a Huggies commercial, and wore a pair of shorts that looked like a diaper.
Thankfully, Lisa had the stylist use them to wipe up Tom’s spilled body glitter and threw them away afterwards. Lisa always knows how to solve a problem!
Mid-photos, Scheana Marie stops Tom 1 to impart a little news: Kristen invited them all to dinner where Jax confessed that he saw Tom 1 and Miami Girl having sex. Tom is aghast and disgusted. “Why is Jax giving Kristen ammo?” he sulks. Jax did more than give Kristen ammo – he handed her a fully-loaded 3″ gun and announced it’s huntin’ season at SUR! WHOOOOOOOOO!
Naturally Tom 1 has to pose with Jax 1-on-1 for a photo, but he channels his best John Travolta as Danny and is the consummate professional.
Back in hair and makeup, Scheana does her due-diligence by also telling Ariana Madix what she learned. Ariana insists she was talking to Tom all night so no cheating happened, but Scheana, pulling the expert mistress card since she knows from experience (ahem Eddie!), suggests that maybe Tom was overcompensating and calling/texting constantly to appear innocent.
Ariana snaps, “I’m not blind. Or stupid.” and declares that she is always the smartest person in the room. Considering who she hangs out with (exempting Lisa, of course) that’s not exactly something to brag about… I would brag about the epic use of side-eye however, only accentuated by perfect winged cat-eye liquid liner.
If Tom cheated, it’s between him and Ariana, who are standing united. Maybe she’s delusional, maybe she knows and doesn’t care, maybe it was a slip-up and she accepts it happened, maybe there is way more to the story than Bravo is telling us…
Outside Tom confronts Jax, who denies that he even had a conversation with Kristen! Even though Scheana is standing two-feet away.
This is your brain on drugs kids [ALLEGEDLY]. Tom is flabbergasted. He demands answers, namely about why Jax can’t be a decent friend, and why he would lie? “I said it a single million times – I wasn’t in the room,” Jax insists.
Ariana is heading over to give Jax a whipping with her side-braid, massively teased up into a Snooki-style bouffant but Jax turns and run whining, “It’s not my issue!” Then why constantly involving yourself in “not my issue”?
Meanwhile, across town, Tom Schwartz is in therapy for his commitment issues. Although he loves Katie Maloney, he cannot imagine a worse fate than being married and stuck with one person fro the rest of his life. Well, kiddo, sounds like you are not ready to leave the love-nest with Jax, and it also sounds like Katie isn’t “the one!”
Lisa extends yet another olive branch to Stassi, another which Stassi will break, throw, and hit people with before flinging it into the road and stomping her feet, while screaming that SHE IS A GROWN-UP AND DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR THE ANTICS OF THESE CHILDREN! Lisa invites her to the SUR party for the photoshoot reveal because Lisa really wants her to have a conversation with Katie to make amends.
Stassi accepts – but only because she is confident Katie will apologize for her betrayal because surely she has realized that crop-top weddings are not her place in life.
Stassi plans to leave before Jax arrives because he’s an icky reminder of the girl she was, before she was mature and grown-up and had a real important business of stringing beads in her linen closet. James Kennedy, stupidly, asks Lisa if he could bring Kristen as his date by promising she will not cause problems.
Kristen is elated that she has another condoned stalking of Tom and is gleeful that finally – FINALLY – she will expose him as the cheater he is and will be vindicated based on Jax’s impressive abilities to take liberties with the truth.
Kristen is wearing red, “I’m the devil with a red dress on,” she crows. Kristen is the devil no matter what color she wears. James itches that spot behind his ear that seems to chronically irk – the nagging sensation of anxiety – as he timidly asks Kristen if after tonight she will stop Tom obsessing. Kristen promises to, with all the hollow sincerity of a jack-o’-lantern.
Meanwhile Kristen plots away; imagining how Jax will confirm the truth in front of Ariana and Tom so she can then lambaste Ariana as getting the karma she deserves for “sleeping with her boyfriend!”
At the party, Stassi arrives dressed as a knock-off Miranda Priestly but everyone sits off to the sidelines glaring at her. “Why is she here?” Scheana wines. Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Clone runs over to snivel about how horrid Katie is for not even saying hello. Times are rough when he only person Stassi can find to take a free shot with her is Kristen. The mighty have sagged, they have not been offered the unassailable support of a properly fitting underwire.
Stassi and Katie eventually decide to have a conversation about the mess that has become their friendship. Stassi is disgusted that Katie “switched teams” after profession to hate Scehana; she feels betrayed so Katie owes her an apology. Katie is shocked that Stassi is so self-absorbed that she never even bothered to call Katie. Stassi thought Katie liked doing everything Stassi said, and wonders why suddenly being her shadow isn’t important?
I am confused: Katie is not allowed to be friends with Scheana, because that makes her two-faced and fake, yet Stassi is allowed to conspire with Kristen to set-up Tom 1? Interesting dichotomy, wouldn’t you say?
Eventually Katie and Stassi realize they are at an impasse. Stassi stomps away, calling her “embarrassing.” Katie doesn’t want to live with hate, which is what Stassi subsists on – guess that’s why she’s gained so many hate pounds!
Back at the bar, Lisa chats with Kristen who gives herself a glowing review of how she has matured since leaving SUR. Kristen has learned, matured, and grown in the same way Stassi has (i.e.only in their own delusional minds). Lisa smiles carefully and nods, before summoning Ken to make sure the security is on alert.
And that’s when Lisa informs Stassi that Jax arrived. Stassi turns tail and flees. “I can’t be here. I’m not doing this!” she panics, racing for the door, walking as fast as her trumpet skirt will allow. Kristina checks on her but then rushes back to the free open bar – finally, she can have fun! If none of these people matter to Stassi – why is she afraid of Jax? When Stassi stopped being the reigning queen of SUR’s minions, suddenly it became a toxic cesspool or hate and fake? No one mourns the disappearance of Stassi Schroeder, deposed queen. Off with her head, but take it off below the statement necklace, please – that can go too.
And now, Tom 1 becomes a real-live boy, who discovers his manparts do more than dangle slightly, like delicate ornamentation for his sculpted and be-tanned torso. And in the process he makes sense. Maybe Ariana’s “smartest person in the room” status rubbed off on him, like the faint orange glow on day 1 after fake tanning?
Still reeling from Jax’s betrayal, Toms 1 and 2 decide to confront their friend about why he just can’t be loyal? I hope the strain doesn’t give him wrinkles or stress weight. Kritter ditches James to slither over – it’s the moment she’s been waiting for!
Kritter and Jax erupt into an argument over who is the biggest liar. “I’ve been honest since day one,” insists Queen of the Delusionistas, with a straight face. Even Jax can take no more and tells her to leave Tom alone! “You weren’t there! So shut the f–k up!” Tom instructs Jax to stop deflecting.
“You’re a liar,” Kristen snaps to Jax. “And you’re a f–king liar and a cheater,” she admonishes Tom. Who rebuttals “And you’re a psycho!” Kristen impassively maintains she is in the right, oblivious to the hypocrisy of her position. “I’m the only one telling the truth since day one,” insists Kristen.
And then Tom loses it – he asserts himself and unleashes the full power of his recessed manhood, hidden behind the starchy fibrous cocoon of hair pomade.
“Kristen! You burn through friends like Jax burns through condoms,” he screams. Kristen, demonstrating that deflection is a running theme, just like lying and binge drinking, announces, “Tom – I’m very happy in my relationship.”
“Then move the f–k on! Go be happy with James,” Tom yells. “Just stay out of my f–king life!” Kristen thinks for a minute, her head tilted to get the braincells into one concentrated area, then she stands up and brightly announces. “You win Ariana! You can have him.” It was so disorienting; so utterly disconnected from reality. Did Kristen believe she and Ariana were fighting over Tom? I guess in Kristen’s mind they were…
Kristen walks up to Ariana, sitting with Lisa and Katie, to announce that she is allowing her possession of Tom 1, because she is done and wishes them luck. Also Ariana should be thankful Kristen was so nice after what she did! Lisa and Katie are flabbergasted by the insanity.
Tom 1 comes back inside, victorious boasting a manly new swagger! Will he ditch the sweater sets and tye-dye jeans? I think not, but he will no longer cower in fear. He will walk taller; he will be assertive. He plops down and asks Ariana if she will move in with him. She giddily accepts and they make-out. ICK. It is a new day, the war is over, the clouds part and the darkness lifts. They even decide to get a new cable box. True love finds itself amid psychos, super stalker sluts, haunted cable boxes and disgusting messes…
Everyone marvels at the photos, pretending to be jovial and excited, but the threat of uncertainty hovers in the air. A timid lingering of unsettled intentions combined with the malaise of loss that even free vodka and pretty photos of themselves can’t fix. Only Scheana is happy, because she’s has a husband and no one else does.
Especially not Katie, who gives Tom 2 a six month ultimatum to propose. She is tired of hearing “one day” – she wants a ring with strings attached, not one attached to a string. Tom 2 frets that strings can strangle people – they can also tie you to something you’re unable to escape from without scarring or spraining something. But Tom 2 – strings can also hold beads and rhinestones for statement necklaces – think of the positives! He fidgets with worry – it’s his cardio.
Kristen leaves with James, repeating to herself like a mantra, ” I do love James. I am happy. I have a happy relationship. I won. Ariana lost.” she cries secret tears at night, and hugs the cable box tightly when she’s all alone, in the closet that houses her little shrine of what might have been. But she promises James she’s moved on and has let go – which is why she had to start a sleeper instagram account to continue to stalk Tom.
And Jax, well his truck got towed, and he was left alone, bumbling around the parking lot wondering how he managed to mess this up too. How so much promise got squandered and so much beauty frittered away. And as pathetic as this is to admit, I felt sorry for him.
And next week is the reunion where things get crazy messy!
TELL US – IS KRISTEN FINALLY DONE OBSESSING OVER TOM? WILL JAX EVER STOP LYING? IS STASSI UNFAIRLY BLAMING KATIE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]