Thanks to a last-minute cancellation… Brandi Glanville did nothing but talk to herself (and two of her super fans) on her podcast, Brandi Glanville Unfiltered, earlier this week. Honestly, I barely noticed the absence of a guest since Brandi never lets them speak anyway.
Who canceled on Brandi? Well, that would be her bestie, Real Housewives of New York star Kristen Taekman. Brandi made it be known right off the bat that she wouldn’t comment on the Josh Taekman/Ashley Madison bombshell, “I’m not going to be talking about that whole situation at all other than to say it’s affecting a family that I love. For now, I’m not going to say anything else. We’re going to talk about other stuff.”
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According to Brandi, somewhere in this world, there’s a couple who offered to pay Brandi $25,000 to attend their wedding. #BlankStare
“A wedding is supposed to be about the two people getting married. I just felt like, if I was there, the crazy chick from reality TV, it would take away from them. Also, I don’t believe in marriage really … so I said no. But then I started thinking because I had a little time on my hands two weeks ago. I decided, wouldn’t it be great if I could go to the wedding and then leave without having to be there the whole time so it didn’t become completely about me. They could still have their moment. So, I’m a minister. I just got it in the mail. I’m so excited. I’m ordained.”
Brandi continued, “I haven’t reached back out to these people, but I thought, ‘Listen, I’ll go in, I’ll marry you guys, and then I’ll leave.’ My son was like, ‘Do we have to go to church now?’ I said, ‘No, I am going to school you right here, my friend.’ I have credentials. Like, I can get discounts at places.”
What would Brandi wear to officiate a wedding? “Well, obviously I am going to wear a hoochie dress. That’s just who I am. I have to stay true to myself.”
“I’m very excited to be marrying people,” shared Brandi. “I had a little time on my hands and the kids were at their dads. I was like, f-ck it. I went online, took a little course, paid 40 bucks, and I’m a minister. It’s amazing.”
Moving on, Brandi talked about Mason pumping – well, not pumping – gas into her car. Brandi said she had to use the restroom so she gave Mason the go-ahead to handle the gas. “I go in, use the restroom. Come back out, it’s all done, put away, everything. I’m like, ‘Wow. You are coming a long way.’ I’m like, ‘How much was it?’ He goes, ‘$69.’ Actually, it would have been more if he had he actually put gas in the car. So, I’m driving and I look and there’s no gas in my car. None. It is at the same place it was before. He fully lied and made up a number. That is fully my kid.”
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“I still don’t have gas in my car,” whined Brandi. “Still on empty. Which means I am gonna have to go to this expensive Beverly Hills gas station because it’s the only one close and they rob you blind.”
Brandi said she had plans to hang out with Yolanda Foster – her REAL friend – after her podcast. Brandi admitted, while she was talking to herself on Brandi Unfiltered, Yolanda was shooting main titles for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
About being excluded, Brandi said, “I know [the show] is still going on, but I got a knot in my stomach, like I had to do it. I was like, ‘Wait, I don’t have to do it.’ Then, I felt weird. Oddly, a little jealous, but not jealous. Like, I’m so happy, but a little jealous.”
Brandi said Yolanda is “gangster” for shooting main titles so soon after her surgery, adding, “Shooting main titles… it’s a tough day. It’s a long day.”
What does the RHOBH photo shoot entail? “They force you to come up with three dresses, at least. Actually, they want six options, but I couldn’t get six dresses. So, I’d be like, ‘This is what I got.’ You have to come up with all these beautiful dresses and they have to be approved and they have to be a specific color so it’s super hard. Then you have to borrow, in my case, a lot of diamonds that you do not actually own. Most of them brought their own, which is cool for them, I guess. I was a little jealous.”
Brandi continued, “Then you hold your diamonds and you do your group shots and your single shots. It’s kinda hilarious because everyone wants the middle. I never even wanted the middle, but I could tell with the other women, between Kyle [Richards] and Lisa [Vanderpump], it was a fight for the middle. The claws were out. The diamonds were out. Every time they had to hold it to the right or to the left, they would do it really shitty. Then, the middle they were like, ‘IT’S MY TOWN!’ And they’re flipping their hair and acting crazy. It’s scary. It’s a contest. It’s crazy. And it’s a long day.”
Brandi said the taglines are written after the season has been filmed, “Because they want to see how your season went to make your tagline up. You can help. You don’t have to say anything that you don’t want to. I said everything. What I wanted my tagline to be was, ‘I might cry sometimes but I’m a gangster bitch at heart.’ They said no.”
Turning her attention to Lisa Vanderpump, Brandi shared her thoughts on Lisa hanging out with Lady Gaga.
“Lady Gaga is, like, best friends with LVP now. I saw Lisa Vanderpump walking Gaga out of the front of PUMP, with all these giant body guards around, then Gaga falls down. Lisa’s supposed to be holding her but she just lets Gaga fall straight down. Gaga gets up and she’s wasted. I mean, I’ve been there, Gaga. I get it. But all these body guards and Vanderpump and not one held that bitch up. I wonder if she is as concerned about Gaga’s sobriety the way she is about mine and Kim Richards. I wonder if she ever has that talk with her. And I also wonder if she really thinks that we think she’s going out to help Gaga when she let her fall. She’s [only] walking out front to get her picture taken.”
Next up for Brandi… acting. “I realized on Sunday that I can act,” she said. “And this is how I realized, I was at a job and I sucked at it, at acting, and then I realized in my head, ‘You’re going to be here all f-cking day. What you need to do, Brandi, is take what you do in the bedroom sometimes when you fake an orgasm and bring that outside of the bedroom with perfect strangers. You don’t care. You just want to get through your day and make them believe it.’ And I did it. I DID IT! I got much better towards the end of the day because I shut everyone off around me. I get nervous, but then I was like, ‘F-ck it. Whatever. Suck a d-ck. It’s fine.’ It was kind of epic.”
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Brandi added, “Then, randomly, I got an acting job yesterday. I’m going to Australia. October 1st through 5th, I’m going to Oz. I don’t know what I’m doing exactly but I love Australia and the guys are hot and I figured after Sunday I can act so I’ll do it. I don’t like to over think things because then I wouldn’t be interesting. Because I wouldn’t say anything ever. I will over think it later after it’s already spewed out of my mouth.”
Producer: “If you censored yourself…”
Brandi: “I would implode. I would seriously implode.”
Producer: “But that’s why we love you.”
Brandi: “That’s also why I have so many lawyers and lawsuits.”
About relationships, Brandi shared, “The number one more important thing for me is respect. If I lose respect for that person, then I will punish you. I will emasculate you. I will take you apart. And I don’t like that I do, I just… self-reflection… I realize that I have done this to people. And it’s because I can. I’m kidding. It’s because I’m f-cked up.”
With nothing else to ramble on about, Brandi invited her Twitter followers to call in with questions. Of course, only two of her super fans made it on the line. Super fan #1 gushed about her wine, her books, her Brandi Snaps column, her kids… you name it, she went on and on about how great it is.
About her next book, Brandi said, “Because of work related things, we kind of wanted to do a little bit of a hybrid: Who The F-ck Is Emily Post? The Reality Of Etiquette, and have it be funny, poking at reality shows. Honestly, I know who Emily Post is now, because I googled her. But that was what I said. [My co-writer] said, ‘You should do an Emily Post book.’ I was like, ‘Who the f-ck is Emily Post?’ Now that is going to be the title.”
When super fan #1 suggested Brandi write a full-time advice column, Brandi admitted that’s the direction she has gone with Brandi Snaps because she
is nasty has no self control. “It’s actually better for me to not have to give my opinion on celebrities because I tend to get in a lot of trouble. Lawsuits will probably take all of my money for the rest of my life and I just really don’t want to do that. But I really enjoy giving advice – do as I say, not as I do. Because I obviously do the wrong thing most of the time, but I know what the right thing is to do.”
Super fan #2 called in to talk to Brandi‘s hair guy. When they took their chat off the podcast, Brandi continued to obsess over whether or not Lisa is concerned about Lady Gaga‘s sobriety. #EyeRoll
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