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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Guys

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills everyone opened up, although some people should’ve kept their mouths closed (ahem Dorit Kemsely). At least Dorit’s son Jagger knows the truth: nearly everyone is a bad guy here. Shockingly, Lisa Rinna wasn’t – she was actually OK last night.

I am so back and forth with Dorit. On the one hand I find her zany and cute; on the other I find her over-bearing and try-hard. Last week I liked her; this week NOPE to her and her phony whack-ccent, and her husband licking a $900 plate clean.

So – Lisa Rinna has rat poop in her oven? The only thing I have to say to that is: A) I am never eating one of Harry Hamlin‘s pies; and B) of course she does because Lisa Rinna is full of shit. But rat poop? In the oven? How often do they use that? And it might be time to fire the housekeeping staff, as well! Lisa Rinna is apparently too busy pimpmomagering and owning it to worry about trivial domestic matters, though.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Guys

Kyle Richards has to skip town to Croatia because they’re re-rennovating the house they just renovated because the shape of the pool doesn’t make sense and hard wood floors are just so out, so she misses all the fun last night.

While Lipsa is dealing, not dealing with poop, Dorit is planning her 40-something’d birthday. Well, PK is planning it to be precise. PK reminds me of a Garbage Pail Kid. I just don’t know why.

PK consults Dorit on the guest list and after the successful trip to Vegas, Dorit now loooooooves Erika Girardi. Panties? What Panties?! For the moment Dorit is happy to be ‘starting over’ with Lipsa and even wants to invite her too. I was pleasantly surprised – like, Real Housewives behaving like adults? Is that even mathematically and logistically possible? Two women, who had a rather intense heart-to-heart, and then decided to honor that? It must be a violation of some sort of clause in Andy Cohen‘s decree for optimum Real Housewives living and appropriate behavior, and that’s why Dorit later reneges. But for now she is gung-ho about a Lisa Rinna filled party. And I am too!

Next, PK consults Lisa Vanderpump, who naturally suggests throwing the event at one of her restaurants – where else? – and letting her handle everything because she has to showcase Villa Blanca. Thankfully, Schenaa Marie did not make any cameos to announce that she once cheated with someone’s husband. Although the thought of Scheana having an affair with PK does bring me a kind of delight that is all sorts of WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! I blame my bad thoughts on years of exposure to these messy shows. I’ll also blame Lisa Vanderpump, because people are always blaming her for everything around here.

Lisa apparently decided to throw a ‘Black Party’ – which is SO MUCH BETTER than a white party – so everyone wore black. Except for Camille Grammer, who either perniciously disregarded the dress code or doesn’t ‘do’ email and text. I could see either. I could see Camille deciding that email is too pedestrian and she only responds to bat signals or sign language. French sign language. Or maybe Camille is mute now? Anyway, Camille wore royal blue. Of course she did (and I bow down).

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Guys

Dorit came to the party after changing in the YMCA locker room post-swim. Or was that wet look circa 1992 Baywatch hair intentional? The true guest of honor was Jagger, who wore a white tux, and being all sorts of cute, pointed at Erika and called her “bad guy.” Dorit swears she had noooooothing to do with that. It was all the nanny’s fault. And the speech therapist’s! But never her, cause she only spends time with her kids if cameras or vacations are rolling.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Guys

Then Jagger reverses track and calls LVP the bad guy. In all things Erika and LVP are locked in a competition for ruler of this evil universe.

Does anyone else find it odd how Dorit freaks out every time she sees her children? Like literally it’s her first time meeting them in 45 years and this long-lost reunion was only made possible after an episode of Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack?

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave brought her husband Edwin to the party. Edwin owns a home security company and LVP inquires if he does self-defense tools as well cause she needs something to keep the Rinna (and her rats) away. Edwin does not, for the record, do exterminations.

Teddi has found herself the victim of The Erika Curse. Erika cannot act uncool – and by that I mean approachable, nice, and friendly – until you have met her approximately 45 times (or the age Rinna pretends to be on her driver’s license). Many moons ago, Edwin was a back-up dancer with overly plucked eyebrows (they kinda looked the same – just me?) and when Teddi introduces him to Erika, she refers to her as a “singer.” Erika visibly bristles as Teddi awkwardly corrects to “performer.”

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Guys

Then since things are already as awkward as if Jagger had pooped his diaper at the dinner table and Dorit pleasantly kept on eating through the smell, Teddi lets Erika know that in Vegas, when Erika dismissed her dad story to lecture about parent/child relationships, Teddi felt, well, dismissed. Erika claims she doesn’t remember this and then shrugs sorry. Teddi is even more shocked by this second rebuff. Poor Teddi  – she claims she cannot have unspoken things between herself and others, which means she’s either gonna dominate this show or she’s find herself crying in a suitcase on a luxury vacation.

As if things at this party aren’t uncomfortable enough, LVP goads her “Lisa Rinna Doll” into giving Dorit a birthday toast. Lipsa came prepared to wade through the awkwardness in her sailor pants, so she goes for it. Obviously, it’s a terrible speech, but Lipsa does mention that she’s appreciative of starting over with Dorit to be included in the party. I thought it was nice, but Dorit is annoyed. Not at LVP, interestingly.

Before or after all that, Teddi met Lipsa for lunch. Even though Dorit and LVP had warned her that Lipsa was bad news bunnies, she wants to see for herself, because the side of Lipsa she’s seen is fun and nice. They discuss the overly-competitive mommy set in LA; something Lipsa avoided by sending her kids to “granola schools” where they never learned to read. No wonder they just became models. Because “Blue Steele” needs no instructions!

Alternately, Teddi sends her kids to a $35,000 pre-school where everyone rocks multiple Cartier Love bracelets at drop-off line. In the middle of Teddi describing how materialistic and shallow other moms are Lipsa whips out her compact – OVER LUNCH – and starts “fixing her face.” But they hit it off so much Teddi invites Lipsa to her riding completion that weekend – and guess who else will be going? LVP and Dorit, of course! Fun to be had by all for sure.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Guys

And actually they DID have fun. They all behaved graciously and got along – and it seemed genuine. #MorePlease. Later Dorit will f–k it all up. Only Lipsa seemed to have understood where they were actually going, though, and wore a literal cowboy get up. Dorit dressed like a sority girl at the Kentucky Derby, but it’s better than LVP’s brothel madame attire. Doesn’t she ride horses? Where? On a cloud of diamond dust that only kicks up glitter, and the horse poop is cotton candy? Lisa needs her own Trapper-Keeper collection (Y’all remember Lisa Frank, don’t you?!).

Dorit brags that she is the only fashionable one, while Rinna is the stable hand, but how did Oh Fashionable One faire in oh porta potties at the riding show? Not well. Still they had fun! In the car over, Lipsa and LVP joke about who is older. Lipsa does not believe that LVP is only 3 years her senior until LVP proffers up her license to dispel any myths that she is an extremely well-aged 70-75. The only lie on LVP’s license is her weight being 108lbs. Then in the competition Teddi rode beautifully and won.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Guys

Riding was Teddi’s sanctuary after her parent’s divorce. For 12 years she was a professional equestrian but now rides her trainer’s horses for fun. LVP is impressed and they had almost an instant bonding moment. As Teddi was describing leaving it “up to God” in competitions, it emerges that she and LVP share a love of the the Lord. I had no idea LVP was the religious type? Or maybe she’s the devil in disguise? Anyway LVP and Teddi seem to really connect.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Guys

While Teddi is galloping into LVP’s good graces, Erika is working on her memoir. Her co-author visits her clubhouse to talk about Erika’s father abandoning her. She’s seen him only THREE times in her life! At 25 Erika went to his house for Thanksgiving and he pretended she wasn’t his daughter. Yikes. No wonder Erika married Tom. She can pretend it’s not ‘daddy issues,’ and I only play a psychologist in recaps, but I mean…

Then Erika calls her mom, who tells her she has some photos of her dad which Erika can include in the book. Erika isn’t interested. This is her story and from the beginning he’s had no part in it, why start now? Agreed!

Over at Rat Poop Palace, Lipsa gets a FaceTime call from her “Friend Therapist” Kyle, who is checking in from Croatia. Lipsa is all smiles and positivity over the fun she’s had with Dorit. She thinks they really are moving forward. On the other side of town, Dorit is still stewing – literally – over their fight.

Dorit has Teddi and Edwin over for dinner and I can’t figure out what this dinner party even is or is about? It was supposed to be casual, but then she whipped out a brand new $19,000 Hermes china set and pretends to PK that they’ve just had plates that cost $900 each lying around in the basement. Dorit is self-proclaimed “very good” cook courtesy of her mother, and is doing the cooking herself, and prepares what appears to be a lentils and chick pea stew.

All fine, but other than romaine salad that is the ONLY THING SHE SERVES. Also she is all dressed up while everyone else wears jeans and insists on serving everyone individually. The whole thing was just very bizarre. Made worse by PK’s table manners of barf. And don’t even get me started on the conversation… OK, actually do.

In the car, Teddi reveals that she grabbed a bottle of wine from their house as a hostess gift, and has no idea if it’s a cheap one or not, so she googles it. It’s only a $30 bottle (which in my world is high-end luxury), so Edwin convinces her stop for something nicer. Proving that she is not of Real Housewives ilk, Teddi doesn’t have it lavishly wrapped as if she is presenting the key to eternal youth. Then horror of horrors – she arrives to dinner ON TIME and perfect hostess Dorit is barely dressed. It sets a frazzled tone for the evening.

PK wants to open the champagne Teddi brought, but Dorit already has a wine menu and insists he get champagne flutes to match the champagne or he’s not allowed. Because Dorit is a perfectionist, things have to go together just-so. Like Dorit and PK go together just-so! Over crudités they joke about making another baby “tonight” which is probably why Edwin and Teddi weren’t able to eat the cheese spread. No one wants to think about PK molding his unformed self into an approximation with a penis and mating.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Guys

But it was a good segue for Teddi to tell her harrowing story of IVF, which made her feel like she wasn’t doing her “womanly duty” to make babies. She suffers from more mom guilt because they decided to do gender selection and chose the only boy sperm, then their son was born with a closed heart valve. Teddi and Edwin in part blame themselves for trying to ‘play god.’ This dark, raw stuff is interrupted by PK making a bad joke comparing how his kid was born with a cone-head and he was similarly afflicted. I mean, ugh.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Guys

Then over dinner PK starts talking crap about Lipsa! He and Dorit dredge up all the drama from last year, and they judiciously tell Teddi that Lipsa is nice and fun next moment, and the next screaming in your face, which means she is clearly schizophrenic. Dorit is definitely not over how Lipsa maliciously tried to hurt her – even after they agreed to start over. It appears that Dorit’s bad feelings resumed after Lipsa made that birthday toast. Apparently that was a faux pas and the toast should’ve been reserved for a real friend.

While PK and his atrocious table manners literally shovel food into his mouth, he warns Teddi to “just wait” until Lipsa turns on her too. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so apparently that’s where Dorit and Lipsa’s peace treaty stayed as well.

Teddi Is Fine With Being Frugal; Wasn’t Surprised By Erika Being Dismissive Of Her

TELL US – SHOULD DORIT HAVE KEPT HER MOUTH SHUT ABOUT LISA RINNA? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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