Real Housewives Of Dallas was all over the place last night. There was new life, death, and rebirth of beaten to death dramas (and actual enormous ponytails to add to beat a dead horse analogy courtesy of LeeAnne Locken). There was also Kameron Westcott to scorn us all while wearing a ruffled pinafore reminiscent of a Victorian matron.
D’Andra Simmons is still celebrating the fact that someone not only wanted to marry her but to drag her into bed and ravage her. I suppose that other than money there’s nothing else a girl could want out of marriage, so girl – good on you! Since D’Andra is oh-so-happy, and after 4 years of marriage is an expert, she just wants LeeAnne to experience this same bliss — that is if LeeAnne can coerce Rich down the aisle without him sharting. Something he’d apparently do if it meant getting out of a wedding… Oy.
Hilariously D’Andra seems to believe it is LeeAnne who is dragging her feet on the nuptials! Aren’t they supposed to be friends, or was D just trying to make LeeAnne feel better by acting as if she has some control over when this wedding will take place? My guess – when the clowns come home to the carnie.
LeeAnne is instead focusing on creating the Invincibility Dress. A wacky concoction of snaps and buckles and ties and gaze not unlike a medieval torture device – or basically what it’s probably like to have sex with LeeAnne. #FreeRich The Invincibility Dress is a basic patterned cocktail dress featuring a zillion different snapping on and off whacky embellishments. Like a coat of many colors, it’s a dress of many sleeves. She hopes to sell it on QVC. Wasn’t LeeAnne supposed to be a motivational speaker? Is she gonna combine self-help with letting this dress self-help in reinventing yourself or some crap? You know it’s coming!
Essentially LeeAnne is the person equivalent of this garment. When it suits LeeAnne she’s grown up and appropriate; the girl at a party who holds your hand and commiserates about bad boyfriends leading to suicide attempts while fastening a demure ruffle to her shoulders. She is the woman who has turned zen and reprogramed her amygdala to have flowing sleeves and a Snap-On/Snap-off monk’s robe. She is also the woman, who, not two seconds later, has daggers shooting out of her eyes and mouth and is snapping on a pageant diva tulip skirt and witchy sleeves with cut-outs to drive you to your own funeral. LeeAnne has more cloaks and daggers than even this ever-morphing power ranger of a dress (and I believe it had 38 incarnations) and that’s exactly why she’s unpredictable and untrustworthy.
Stephanie Hollman is the Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper equivalent of a human being. A walking pair of zany Lularoe leggings, all bright colors and bubbly prints, and she’s fatigued of the fighting. Especially after the 27 drinks she consumed in order to get through D’Andra’s party seated next to LeeAnne. But I suppose if you gotta bond, bonding over mutual suicide attempts and recoveries is a decent enough way to go.
Writers note; Suicide is NO laughing matter. I think it’s awesome that both Stephanie and LeeAnne are bringing awareness to this important crisis. Their honesty and bravery are pivotal for helping to break the stigma of depression and I’m proud of them for putting aside the Real Housewives inside of them for the greater good.
Now back to whooping it up, because it’s time to welcome a very unwelcome guest: Brandi Redmond.
Brandi said she wasn’t coming, but the second Stephanie texted her to let her know she was sitting next to LeeAnne, Brandi had to stage a rescue mission. Or she just didn’t want LeeAnne getting her clutches into Stephanie’s fun side. Brandi pretends she’s there to let D’Andra know that although they have issues, she still values her friendship. In a very unHousewifey way, Brandi decides to sideline the Adderall confrontation for a more appropriate time. You know so as not to ruin D’Andra’s anniversary party. Somewhere Andy Cohen is seething over this new adulthood sweeping the Lone Star State – who poisoned the well water and made people decent?!
In her blissed-out glee that no fighting happened a wasted Stephanie attempts to dry-hump a giant lion statue and nearly falls off when Brandi grabs her. Friendship!
The next day Stephanie is hungover, but hangovers wait for no Housewives because she has a Bubbles & Bru Reveal Party to plan where Brandi can finally introduce her son to the greater
Plano Dallas-area. Presently the only people besides immediate family and Stephanie who know Brandi adopted is Cary Deuber, and Cary only found out the day before. For the party, Stephanie wants bounce pillows, a slurpee machine, and pin the fake ponytail on the ass champagne, enormous flower displays, and lots of fussy food – you know, all things one might associate with a baby shower! (sarcasm) Oh wait, that’s the point – no one is supposed to get that this is essentially a Sip & See. The baby is Top Secret. The only clue is all the blue theme.
What Stephanie can reveal is her $1.7 million dollar renovation which included adding a living room to her master bedroom, and getting rid of the Austin Powers’ shagging pool in the front entryway. Brandi’s baby shower will be the first party in her newly re-done home.
Before the event, Stephanie’s mom and grandparents come over to pray over the new abode. She grew up Pentecostal, which means speaking in tongues and flopping around on the floor. It’s aerobics for the lord! A Power Prayer is the Christian alternative to sageing your space, and afterward an emotional Stephanie tells her mom about bonding with LeeAnne and deciding to give her another chance. They also discuss Stephanie’s suicide attempt. When she was 22, she was in an unhealthy relationship and after the guy dumped her, she lost all her friends and her way in life. While at her family home Stephanie swallowed a bottle of pills but then immediately told her mother. Since then Stephanie has dedicated her life to mental health, but she feels her family is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Reliving this makes her realize that she has to let go of her anger towards LeeAnne.
Stephanie encourages Brandi to do the same by inviting both LeeAnne and D’Andra to Bruin’s reveal party. Stephanie reasons that if they are left off the list it would cause more trouble than it’s worth and also Bruin’s debutante debut into society would forever be overshadowed by LeeAnne drama. Brandi, thankfully, agrees that every Housewife – even the one who makes her barf – shall receive an invitation.
While Stephanie is working on this, D’Andra is working on working together with Mama Dee. Lord is this relationship a BIG. OL. MESS! Quite the contrast to Stephanie’s relationship with her mother! This time D’Andra and Dee are feuding over the packaging for the Green Miracle supplements, the cornerstone of Dee’s Ultimate Living empire. Does living your ultimate life include alienating your daughter over money and power because that sounds more like ultimate Shakespearean tragedy titled Vital Schemes Amid Withering Greens?
In an effort to modernize and rebrand D’Andra wants to ditch the plastic container for a transportable bag, but Dee refuses. Apparently, her customers are allergic to flexible packaging, because just like Dee (and her skin) they are inflexible beings who resist all change! Sadly other than the anniversary party Dee hasn’t spoken to her own daughter in a month – even at work. After another unproductive meeting over the canister that holds the atomic bomb – a fiber supplement?! – Dee kicks D’Andra out of her office and starts ignoring her again.
This is not, obviously, about a little plastic can – or any other trivial details – it’s about Dee refusing to allow D’Andra autonomy. Instead, Dee accuses D’Andra of being jealous of her and snaps, “The S on my forehead stands for Simmons, not Stupid.” Lady, there are no S’s on your forehead because that would require the facial muscles to move, and as D’Andra oh-so-kindly reminded us, they do not. D’Andra also explains that her own branch of the company Hard Night, Good Morning is also owned by her mom and this is how Dee controls her financially. D’Andra is so desperate to find a solution she is considering finding her own investors. Poor D’Andra – what. a. mess. Mama Dee thinks everyone wants her for their own mother, but I beg to differ – everyone wants Stephanie’s mom. Except for the speaking in tongues part. That’s a little LeeAnne, pre-exorcism.
Speaking of mothers Cary is now living in her parent’s house while her own home undergoes extensive renovations. Cary’s parents are at their second home in Palm Springs, leaving Cary, Mark, and Zuri in possession of their perfectly perfect and not a hair out of place property. Cary’s own childhood was fraught with anxiety over maintaining this perfect home. Her parents had such impossibly high standards and so many particulars that even the trashcans had rules about what kind of trash could go in which one. As a result, she’s not very close with her father. Hilariously Cary considers herself “laid-back” compared to her parents. Hon-ney…
By the time Bubbles & Bru rolls around these people have gone through all the cycles of emotional life: despair, defeat, joy, togetherness, secrecy and half-truths and – they’re a regular Steel Magnolias revival. Then Kameron shows up and sneers all over any smidgen of happiness with her snooty judgments and outsized ire about how the entire universe is slighting her by not serving Sparkle Dog for dinner as the main course. Or greeting her at the door with it on a silver platter.
I should back up a bit though. First Brandi, Bryan, and all three of their kids make their way to Stephanie’s in matching outfits. Guess what – all of the decor matches all of the outfits too, cause it’s ALL BLUE! OMG. Stephanie and Brandi are not blue though. Brandi cries tears of joy and gratitude, then starts speaking in tongues to summon Stephanie’s parent’s Jesus to protect this party from heathens. In reality, Brandi’s reaction was SO sweet. Stephanie threw a beautiful and thoughtful party, and Brandi was really touched to be so loved by her friend. Then they both go upstairs to hide Brandi and the baby. Even after the party has technically started Stephanie stays to cuddle both her friend and Bruin – which is clearly more fun than standing around awkwardly as Kameron judges you while pretending that everything is Puurrrr-feckt. Sparkle Cat Chow coming soon! In Pink AND purple pustules of pruny pussiness. (I made that up, I just liked the alliteration).
Anyway, while Stephanie is upstairs, because BABIES!, Kam and Court are the first guests to arrive at the party and no one welcomes them but the giant champagne wall art, so they hover in the backyard until Stephanie comes downstairs. Being left alone to her own wandering mind, staring at all these blue decorations, has put an idea into Kam’s mind – Baby food! Actually, babies, and specifically who’s having one, because the only reason to throw a blue-themed party is if it’s a shower. Stephanie, not wanting to ruin Brandi’s surprise, makes an impromptu decision to lie that she has a surrogate and the baby will be here “very soon.” Kam is overjoyed. Because what is better than getting to have a baby without having to gain all the icky baby weight?!
After everyone else shows up, Stephanie makes the big announcement and Ginger Party Of 5 makes their way down the staircase to everyone’s elation, excitement, confusion, and eventual joy. Everyone except Kameron. She feels slighted that she was excluded from the advance preview – because she is a special A-list person who deserves backstage passes. Even to a Sip and See for a co-worker she doesn’t even really like.
Since Brandi literally adopted the baby yesterday and didn’t want anyone to know until it was finalized, only immediate family and Stephanie knew of Bruin’s existence. That Kameron feels offended and then annoyed that Stephanie “lied” to her is ridiculous. Kameron needs to get the pooper-scooper stick out of her pink puckered pout and get over herself.
TELL US – DID KAMERON HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW ABOUT BRUIN’S ADOPTION? DO YOU THINK LEEANNE AND STEPHANIE HAVE FINALLY PUT THEIR ISSUES BEHIND THEM?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]