Vicki Gunvalson Real Housewives Of Orange County

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: All Aboard The Haute Mess Express!

Ooooh… already a juicy cliffhanger on Real Housewives Of Orange County and courtesy of Vicki Gunvalson no less, who is desperate to prove that she belongs holding an orange.

Kelly Dodd really had no other option but to storm out of Tamra Judge‘s housewarming party after unleashing her superpower supersonic F-bombs on Vicki.

When Kelly’s voice goes to that decibel of extreme whininess I imagine that dogs everywhere go into a trance and start walking, zombie-like, towards the TV screen. Frisker – go to a new master!

Kelly Dodd Shannon Beador Tamra Judge

The party went majorly downhill from there, like so downhill that at one point Tamra attempted to make a deal with Eddie offering anal in exchange for letting her get drunk. Eddie didn’t take it – he’d rather skip church for two weeks. Only Tamra could mix booze, butt sex, and bible in the same conversation! Ugh. If there is a Jesus of Bravo his name is likely Beevis and he will never, apparently delivereth us from Tamra. (Or Vicki.) Also why would Eddie care if Tamra gets drunk?

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Fight Or Flight

All the unfolding drama is confusing Braunwyn Windham-Burke. She doesn’t know who to trust: the woman in a giant furry vest (not Gina Kirsenheiter, who between the weave and the leopard cape-thing resembles a stripper from The Flintstones), or the woman with the giant furry morals (that would be Tamra, Thou NEEDS to be judged!) So-far Braunwyn’s gut is telling her not to trust Vicki.

Especially after Gina confronts Vicki over the “jailbird” text Vicki sent Tamra complaining about Gina’s DUI being irresponsible (because how dare Vicki complain about drinking and driving!). I wonder if Tamra also shared Shannon STORMS Beador‘s portion of that text thread with Gina? Hmmmm…

No one is surprised that Tamra is betraying Vicki again, just like no one is surprised when Vicki tells Gina she never said called her a jailbird, but can’t Tamra use a little more subtly? What is she playing at here? Just stoking the flames of a feud between Vicki and anyone? Because later over drinks also does this between Vicki and Kelly, yet at the party she was encouraging them to talk. Tamra, who complains that Vicki can’t be trusted, actually can’t be trusted.

RELATED: Kelly Dodd Says Vicki Gunvalson Should Have Been Demoted “A Long Time Ago”

Vicki Gunvalson

Tamra also makes sure that, in front of Braunwyn, Vicki seems like this machiavellian evil manipulator, destroying families everywhere! First she touches a man’s necklace in mixed company. The next thing you know Vicki has single-handedly spread gay rumors everywhere! Vicki doesn’t trust “Brown Wind” either  and snipes that she can choose to be “naughty or nice,” but Braunwyn is choosing honest instead.

A concept Vicktim obviously doesn’t understand. Just like Vicki’s now doubling down on this idea that she and Kelly are both guilty of being bad friends. Doesn’t “Brown Wind” sounds like what happens after Tamra has drunken anal with Eddie?

Braunwyn Windham-Burke Tamra Judge

Shannon and Tamra love Braunwyn though. Tamra has decided Braunwyn looks like her – HA.  And the NEW SHANNON BEADOR is learning how to accept new people. Even people with 7 kids and the body of a teenager, because Shannon will never have to worry about David flirting with Braunwyn at a party, then stalking her on Facebook. Even though Shannon made her house a WiFi deadzone by putting nine lemons in an heirloom crystal bowl on top of the router! Or whatever new-age sabotage Shannon would attempt. Speaking of, where’s Dr. Moon lately? Perhaps helping Tamra with her brown wind.

RELATED: Tamra Judge Dishes On Which Real Housewives Of Orange County She Misses & Which Ones She Doesn’t

Later Shannon and Braunwyn bond over raising daughters. Braunwyn’s daughter Rowan is a competitive dancer with OCD, and after a summer in NYC at a dance immersive lost 25lbs and needed treatment. The experience made Braunwyn understand that no child is perfect, and there are more important things in life than excelling – especially when you have wealthy parents who can buy you a dancewear company and do all the marketing for it via their ChannelStars internet marketing company, or whatever. So now we know why Braunwyn stooped to joining Real Housewives Of Orange County! I do think it’s all fine, and they seem like great parents though!

Shannon Beador

Shannon reveals that one of her girls is really not handling the divorce well, and Shannon blames that devil’s music Def Leopard for knocking her up with a child who needs God. Why is everyone in this show always talking about God while behaving like the devil? Also did Shannon get pregnant at a Def Leopard concert? Cause that sounds way too unsanitary for her.

It is nice seeing these two bond over the challenges of parenting teenagers. Then Shannon, a good friend – undeservedly so in Vicki’s case – uses Braunwyn’s trust to convince her that Vicki can be a good person. When she wants to be, at least!

Then we go over to Gina’s. [Sigh] I know we’re supposed to feel sorry for Gina, but she is just tragic in all the ways of a Teen Mom episode. Her house looks like she’s squatting in one of those post-recession abandoned new builds, and there’s already a leaking ceiling and no dryer. But there are just piles of Word Art signage and dirty laundry everywhere – even in the corner of the guest room where Gina’s parents are staying. Hopefully they’re visiting to help Gina get a handle on this “haute mess.” (Yes, she had a cleaning bucket that said that!) Also we learn that her father’s name is Gino. What is this, Real Housewives Of New Jersey?

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Gina Kirschenheiter Finalizes Her Divorce & Keeps Restraining Order Against Her Ex

Gina needs to call California Closets for organizational help. Then ask to borrow one of Braunwyn’s nannies – even Au Pair # 4 would suffice. And also address those extensions, which are a direct reflection of her mental state: out of control and in denial about what looks good.

Gina is in COMPLETE denial about her situation and the divorce – it’s so bad Matt is even calling Gina’s mom out of concern. Although Matt needs a “haute mess” bucket of his own! Gina also really needs a sign that says, “Home: Buried In Laundry & Lies” or possibly, “God Don’t Bother To Bless This Mess”

Emily Simpson

Then Gina Ubers over to Emily Simpson‘s because she can’t drive after the police confiscated her license. Emily equally levels tragic as they bond over their disaster relationships. In Emily’s case she decided to plan a Vegas surprise for Shane to celebrate passing the BAR Exam – which seems al little cart before the horse considering he’s failed twice before.

A big part of that surprise was that Emily was going to do one of those Pussycat Dolls dance lessons and perform for Shane. When Emily shared the news with him Shane (predictably) reacted with disgust. Now Emily feels like garbage about herself and Shane is staying at his parents for the next two weeks, because they’re not speaking. Emily is so stressed by Shane’s rejection she’s developed alopecia and is losing her hair. Somebody call LVP, stat – she’ll get Emily a little furry velvet suit with a matching one for the poor Fisker too.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Kelly Dodd Says Brian Reagan Cheated Her; She Has A New Man Already

OK what about SHANE, who doesn’t drink, like fun or people, and also doesn’t gamble cause he’s mormon, says VEGAS?! Emily tries to turn Vegas into a girl’s trip, but Gina doesn’t understand how ‘last-minute’ Housewives trips work lost her passport on Christmas Eve (after her DUI) and doesn’t have a license either so she can’t go.

Gina Kirschenheiter

Then we finally learn what we’ve all known all along: the root cause of Gina and Matt’s divorce is because she caught him having an affair. Gina bursts into tears and starts hyperventilating before finally deciding it’s time to tell Emily the truth about her marriage. After he got caught they tried to work past it, but wound up having World’s Greatest Divorce anyway … Until Gina learned Matt is still seeing the woman he cheated with after finding a Valentine’s Day card she sent him.

Apparently Matt and this woman are in love, and it’s hitting Gina hard in a way she never expected. First of all, this sounds like a case for Shannon Beador, Divorce Detective! Second of all, Real Housewives Of Orange County is haunted by Hallmark. Does Slade Smiley own stock in that company or something?

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Gina Kirschenheiter’s Ex Fights Back! Calls Gina “Extremely Vindictive”

Emily isn’t shocked. She knew all along, but out of loyalty to Gina never brought it up. Then Emily gives Gina some real talk about how she has to stop protecting Matt at the expense of her own emotional needs and offers to help toilet paper this woman’s house. Please do that when the RHOC cameras are present!

After fleeing Tamra’s party, Kelly headed straight to Aspen to celebrate Jolie’s birthday. While there Kelly taught Jolie the the invaluable tool of convincing men to buy you expensive things.

It’s just good economics, plus a math lesson! Instead of a gold star Jolie got $1000 Gucci shoes. It’s nice that Kelly had those good moments, because the second she returns to Orange County a new shitstorm will be a’waiting!

After ripping off the band-aid by telling Emily about Matt, Gina can’t stop, so she opens up to Tamra too (big mistake, Huge!) as they’re headed for a girl’s night at someplace called Tortilla Republic.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Gina Kirschenheiter Claims She Has Photographic Evidence Of Abuse By Estranged Husband

It turns out Tamra knew already and is probably livid she never got the opportunity to humiliate Gina with this bomb at some inopportune time, which is also probably why Tamra can’t wait to whip out some juicy skeevy accusation about Kelly at the restaurant. I’m getting ahead of myself here…

This girls’ night was planned by Braunwyn who invited Gina, Shannon, and Tamra, but Shannon accidentally told Vicki about it and Vicki just so happened to be LINGERIE SHOPPING with Emily in Laguna Beach on the exact same night at nearly the same time, so Shannon decides to last-minute invite Vicki, who just zooms right over!

Why did no one text Emily? Also Emily – lingerie can’t salvage things with Shane. What kind of lingerie would Shane even like? Maybe one made of plastic wrap and the distance of a thousand years?

Vicki Gunvalson

Braunwyn is not happy to see Vicki, but because she has good manners decides to dispel the awkwardness by apologizing for making a snap judgement and suggests they start over. Vicki interprets this as Braunwyn being ready to hear all about how horrible Kelly truly is!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Kelly Dodd Thinks Tamra Judge, Vicki Gunvalson, & Shannon Beador Are Friends To Keep Their Jobs

Like did Braunwyn see that Animoji pig Kelly sent calling Vicki ugly, and gross, and fat?! The real problem, according to Vicki, is that she knows things – reallyreallyreally bad things – about Kelly, which Kelly doesn’t want out there. Things so bad Vicki can NEVER tell anyone (except the other Tres Amigas?). “What – are you talking about the train?!” Tamra sheiks as Shannon’s mouth drops. So there went that secret Vicki was taking to her grave.

Next week we presumably learn about the “Choo Choo train” that Tamra, Vicki, and Shannon made a pact to never reveal. Gina can’t imagine it’s worse than Vicki telling everyone Kelly has a cocaine addiction. Which Vicki insists she never said – she just said Kelly does cocaine. Distinction!

RELATED: Kelly Dodd Calls Vicki Gunvalson An Outcast; Says Season 14 Is The Best Season Yet

OK, so what exactly is this train thing?! I imagine Kelly tied to train tracks ala one of those old fashioned western movies? What dirty deeds does one do on a train? Or with a train? Do I want to know? Am I naive and sheltered and living in Shannon’s stain-free world of neutralized air and guardian crystals around every negative thought? I wish!

A few other things to discuss:

What was Gina’s one wonky purple earring in the interview looks? It reminded me of glittery intestines. Or a tinsel.

Did anyone notice Tamra copying Braunwyn’s overreaction after taking the tequila shot. She’s so trying to suck up to this one!

I love that, for now, Shannon is being upfront with Vicki that she’s not the victim of Kelly, and has done plenty of awful things to spur her on. Good for you, Shannon!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]