If thereâs one thing Kelly Dodd learned on last nightâs episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County itâs that when you bet on a friendship with Vicki Gunvalson, you always lose!
We also got a big dose of the new girls last night. While Emily Simpson seems sweet, almost too normal, that Gina Cantevenbebotherwithwhatsherlastname is, well, to be frank, annoying as fâk! Since we know Gina is a New Yawker who tells it like it is and doesnât hold back or hang around âpusses,â I think sheâd be fine with my assessment of her personality.
Doubly annoying is Ginaâs constant comparison of New York vs. OC. As if everyone in Orange County is a backstabbing, judgmental, harlot (there are) out to destroy her tender, open-heart (they are), but girl⌠please â we have all seen Real Housewives Of New York! We know Ramona Singer, and the likes of her are as judgmental as they come. We also know that Gina wouldnât last one cocktail in that cesspool of rabid cougars.
I donât understand why but weâre treated to the bizarre scene of Gina and her friend with her friend Tatiana, a fellow New York alien forced to slum it in Cali, going âantiquingâ to the place where Hanibal Lechter hid his latest body, because Gina is buying a piece of furniture for her over-worked nanny Lupe. According to Gina, if it werenât for Lupe sheâd never be able to flee her kids to get her drink on and scream obscenities under the bedrooms of other peopleâs small children, thus giving them incurable nightmares of drunken, desperate women wearing scary Joker costumes (ahem⌠Shannon Beador). Who knows â maybe Gina also behaves like that at home, but some things, like an obsession with making a suit out of human skin, are better kept private.
The Tatiana introduction reeks of something foreboding. Gina reveals that Tatiana knows Tamra Judge and used to work out at CUT Fitness. âUsed toâ being the operative words here. I assume this means weâre being led into some drama trap in which Tatiana, the salsa to Ginaâs chips simply by being a fellow NY transplant, has some issue related to Tamra that ultimately becomes a battle between Gina and Tamra. So predictable, Bravo! Also was Tatiana at Shannonâs 70âs party, accusing Kelly of having an affair?
Speaking of⌠WHOOOOO loves me?! Itâs YOOOOO! All along! The rallying cry of two old birds out on the town in LA catching some homeboys. Kelly and Shannon are now BFF, bonded by divorce and the desperate desire to not feel so alone. Makes sense to me. They are now, in summation, âKelly and Shannon Beador;â non-sexual co-dependent life partners known as Golden Girls. Kelly is most certainly âBlancheâ while Shannon, daffy but cunning Shannon, is âRose.â Actually, I think theyâre more of Ernie & Bert types: Shannon with a collection of lemons, polished and counted, arranged and categorized by different color tones and subtle variations of shapes; Kelly with a rubber⌠vibrator? Anyway, they go out in LA, thankfully not to SUR, and cry about how theyâre lonely, but at least they have each other. Kelly probably went home with some inappropriate man who claims to be a doctor, or at least to have played one on a late-70âs sitcom, and Shannon drunkenly Snapchatted a rap about how sheâs planted a crystal in Kellyâs love corner.
Meanwhile, Tamra is the one who is actually all alone! Eddie is having heart problems, Jesus is deserting her, and instead of consoling her and being a good friend, Shannon is out carousing with Kelly then only calling her when she needs something. Something like advice on buying exercise equipment. Shannon hates gyms â even gyms owned by her so-called BFF â so she wants an at-home apparatus. This too is Davidâs fault â he took the cursed exercise bike he bought her and now Shannon canât exercise. According to Gina, she hates living in OC because people donât make jokes about Shannonâs vagina⌠unless itâs Shannon herself, who jokes that the exercise bike was the most action her vagina had seen in the last months of her marriage!
In the store, while Tamra is scooting around, testing equipment on one foot, Shannon stands there hoping that the quavering BowFlex cords wonât induce hungover vomiting.
Tamra takes this moment to call Shannon out over not being an in sickness and in health friend, for instance forgetting to check in after Eddieâs surgery, even though Tamra is always there when Shannon needs to cry over David. Now Tamra is the âShannonâ to Shannonâs âDavid.â Tamra warns Shannon that Kelly is a bad influence with all her partying and slutting about, which is hilariously hypocritical considering, as Shannon points out, that Tamra has a broken foot after drunkenly diving naked into a hot tub! Poor Tamra ⌠Jesus donât like jealous! (Isnât envy a seven deadly sin?)
Letâs check in on Vicktim Gunvalson, shall we? Vicki is now sharing an office with her son Michael, a vicktim of Stockholm syndrome, or possibly forced imprisonment. This still isnât enough mother/son bonding for Vicki who wants Michael to make up for Briana moving as far away as humanly possible â the moon? â after escaping the solid gold and diamond handcuffs Vicki bought for her. Itâs Michaelâs duty to be the prodigal child. Which means when Michael and his girlfriend go to Europe they have to bring Vicki along so she can smother them like moldy cheese atop a fresh baguette. Luckily Michael is an arch avoider of such Vickisms and suggests instead that Vicki can fly out to meet them for dinner ⌠donât think she wonât! Cause Michael wants her to! Right?! Right?! Right?! (Wrong).
Emily brought everyone together again by hosting a poker party. If she was trying to show off her party planning business say why not choose a masquerade ball. Or a circus of fools. Oh waitâŚ
Really Shannon â that suit?!
Emily co-owns the business with her sister-in-law Shireen, who also happens to live right across the street, which means Shireen and Andy Cohenâs new favorite obsession Pary (Emilyâs MIL) also attend. Shannon arrives wearing a Joker costume, literally a bright green pantsuit bedecked with poker cards and chips, which matches â badly â Kellyâs own classy green pantsuit. Was it a subtle dig at Tamra, who is not having an easy time being green?
Gina starts in on the booze hard and fast, then starts getting loud, raucous and even more annoying. She claims all the women in the OC have a perma-poker face from all the botox and therefore have an unfair advantage over her natural youth. Shannon does not agree â obviously, her emotional insanity is worn in her crazy-eye lines! Vicki arrives, late, and a drunk Kelly starts crying over Vicki setting Michael up. Vicki is instantly defensive. SHE did nothing wrong. SHE was being a friend to Michael. SHE thought Kelly didnât care if Michael dated. SHE is the vicktim because Michael put her in the middle. Shannon immediately takes Kellyâs side and insists that even though Kelly has moved on⌠many times over and even dumped a man who wouldnât buy her $25k sunglasses if anyone set up David on a date sheâd slice them into tiny pieces of meat to serve in one of her QVC frozen dinners. Thatâs not her plate, bitch!
I just canât with Vicki insisting she did nothing wrong here. And worse refusing to graciously say, âIâm sorry,â and mean it. So what if she doesnât believe it, is it so hard to tell a little white lie to a friend and feel bad for hurting her? Vickiâs been acting on this reality show long enough that she should have mastered a convincing contrite. I mean we canât have expected any Housewife to have mastered having a conscience!
Tamra, being an adult for once, takes Vicki outside to let her know that setting up Michael and hiding it from Kelly was NOT OK and Vicki needs to demonstrate that she understands why this is wrong. Shannon gets Kelly so they can really, truly talk this out. Vicki Blunderpants pretends she is distraught that Kelly is so upset with her, then it emerges that the true crux of the issue is because Vicki and Steve had MICHAEL over for Thanksgiving while Kelly was stuck dining at the country club alone with Jolie. Vicki maintains she had no idea Kelly was alone (which may be true â donât Kellyâs mom and brother live in the OC?) and promises to call her more â obsessively! She can make Kelly her new Briana! â but as Kelly mentioned earlier Vicki is a constant disappointment, so we canât trust that can we?
Emily Admits She Wasnât A Fan Of Vicki; Calls Tamra The OCâs Biggest Shit-Stirrer
Maybe Kelly is overreacting because sheâs lonely. After all, she was married for 13 years save for that little intermission to get separated and engaged to another guy. Kelly is dating chronically, defensively, to fill a hole in her heart and reassure herself that sheâs made the right decision in divorcing Michael. As wise Pocket Pixie Pary revealed about Kellyâs constant flow of men, âA bunch means nobody.â Kelly and Vicki hug it out, temporarily, and Vicki promises with all her coal-black heart never to betray her again. MMMMMM-hmmmmâŚ
Meanwhile back inside Gina is druuuuunk. Gina is loooooud. Gina has taken Whooping It Up into overdrive and is driving the fun bus off a cliff. Gina is too much even for Vicki â after all this is a school night! Gina is the last to go, loudly declaring to Emily that sheâs never leaving as she drops New Yawker F-bombs while cackling hysterically. All while Shane, Emilyâs husband, is upstairs trying to put their kids to bed.
The next day Shane complains about Ginaâs behavior. He doesnât approve of her drunken antics. âIf I go to New York am I going to meet loud, annoying women?â he asks to Emilyâs explanation that Gina is just a typical New Yorker! Actually, Shane hopes to avoid all loud older women. He does not like them. They make him feel icky. Is Shane an ageist? Or Housewifist? Either way, heâs not fitting in here! Itâs because heâs from Utah, and as Gina knows people not from New York donât know anything.
The biggest and most upsetting drama concern Eddieâs heart. Heâs back in AFib and needs another procedure. Tamra canât stop obsessing. She mentions it constantly to Eddie, who is clearly depressed and stressed, and doesnât want to strain himself consoling Tamra in their half-finished kitchen. The most distressing part is that no matter how much she prays to the Bejeweled Jesus in the smog-filled sky Eddie isnât fixed and itâs testing Tamraâs belief. Uh-oh!
I adore Eddie. I hope he gets better. Weâre all rooting for you.
TELL US â WILL VICKI BETRAY KELLY AGAIN? IS KELLY OVER-REACTING? LIKE GINA, OR LOATHE HER?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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