OMG is this Jaxney wedding EVER going to happen on Vanderpump Rules?! It is the wedding that never ends. It just goes on and on my non-friends. And people start getting kicked out of it, and recycled back in, and the wedding party never stops growing just because this is the wedding that never ends…

UGH. UGH. UGH. I am fatigued. I am parched. I am drowning in MeeMaw’s beer cheeeaaaze and I need rescuing before I sink into a the quicksand of saturated fat like a Frito left to dip too long.

So yes, Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwrights tyrannical wedding continues. Bravo really hates us this season. But Jax isn’t the only one not getting it wright – James Kennedy is also back on the scene, waving around his BabyJax t-rex text arms of rage. Why can’t people leave sweet little unicorn-eyed Raquel Leviss alone? Let her grow some My Little Pony wings and fly into the serenity of a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, covered in cotton candy-scented stickers and those magical sequins that shift directions when you pet them. This is where Raquel belongs. Not in a rage-text vortex with her pathologically drunk boyfriend who blames everything on her being too pretty to trust out in the world on her own and being British.

Raquel Leviss Vanderpump Rules

So Raquel went out with her lady friends and had a bit too much to drink.  She had all the cocktails Scheana Marie couldn’t drink because Scheana Marie is freezing her eggs. Frozen Solid Eggs is Scheana’s next ‘hit’ single by the way. SINGLE being the operative word. Anyway, Raquel had too many cocktails, went home, passed out, and James, drunk somewhere else, morphed into Tequila Katie and rage-texted her abuses for hours calling her “slut” “whore”, and threatening to dump her if she wouldn’t answer her phone.

Instead of immediately clobbering him with Barbie doll, Raquel forgave James and promptly started making excuses for his behavior to her friends. Raquel is so upset she can’t even read through all the texts, yet she is still going to birthday parties and having tacos with him like nothing happened. Honey, your relationship might belong on a Lifetime Movie about sexy psychos if…

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Ariana Madix confronts Raquel about this very serious and important matter in front of the SUR dumpsters, which is also where Jax kicked Tom 1 out of his wedding, so you know Ariana means business. Raquel blames herself, because if she hadn’t have gotten drunk then James wouldn’t have. Um, Raquel drinking isn’t a domino effect.

James Kennedy Vanderpump Rules

As Ariana, who has survived a verbally abusive relationship herself, says Raquel is NOT responsible for James‘ behavior and she needs to throw that man in the SUR dumpster with yesterdays fried goat cheese balls. Especially because James won’t even discuss his egregious behavior when Raquel tries to tell him how NOT OK it is. Everyone thinks Raquel is dumb, but she’s more like an idiot savant, because when she tells James that he is projecting onto her out of embarrassment for his own behavior and explains that she will not give him another chance she sounds so wise. It’s like looking into Baby Yoda’s eyes. James finally apologizes and promises to get sober, but only because he thinks Raquel is for realz serious about dumping him. I hope she is. I also hope James wasn’t seriously calling Raquel “Bubba” because stealing the pet name of the other most doomed and combative couple on Vanderpump Rules is scary foreshadowing/stalking.

While Raquel is dealing with James, everyone else is dealing with Jaxney. Yes. STILL! It’s Ariana and Stassi Schroeder‘s joint birthday, but Stassi is adulting now which means she will not be berating anyone who dares not to recognize the most important national holiday next to Christmas. Look if someone ants to give me paid vacation to celebrate Stassi’s birthday, I’ll take it, but that’s the best I can do. Personally I think Jax and Brittany’s wedding oppression has drained the joy out of everyone. They’ve transferred all available happiness and excitement onto Brittany who is hoarding it in Kentucky in a schlumpy pseudo castle with a view of the bi-pass and a cow pastor. Oh silly me – I meant PASTURE, not PASTOR, because unlike Jax I know the difference before a religious officiant and a place where large land mammals graze.

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And speaking of pastor-not-pasture, there is still large drama about it! Days before the disembarkment to Kentucky Tom 1 remains ax-nayed from the Jaxney wedding, and Ariana is still uncertain if she’s willing to attend without him. Look it doesn’t seem like that difficult of a decision, it goes like this: “I’m bisexual, and you’re homophobic leaning, therefore I don’t think we can be friends. Especially when this friendship means I have to waste money on what is surely a hideously ugly polyester princess dress, and stay in a glorified Motel 6 that calls itself a castle.”

I suppose it matters not to these people that nonrefundable plane tickets are involved? Oh, to be rich and supremely vapid! Strangely, even though he’s not speaking to Tom 1, Jax is still attending Ariana’s birthday party. And even though Tom sent Jax an apology text, which is what Jax screamed was the only thing he wanted, that’s still not good enough to be considered a real apology, just like Tom 1 still isn’t a good enough best man. The reality is that Jax is pissed Tom 1 didn’t drop an entire year of his life and devote all calendar days to his wedding. Tom 1 missing one of 3 bachelor parties – one of which was HELD ON Mother’s Day weekend – was the real offense. Tom 1 having the audacity to call Jax out on only putting his homophobic pastor out to pasture when Lisa Vanderpump likely threatened to cancel the wedding from Bravo, was only the final straw.

Jax Taylor Stassi Schroeder Vanderpump Rules

Of course Jax is probably just attending Ariana’s party with the hopes of ruining it as payback for Tom ostensibly ruining his wedding, but Stassi – of all unlikely sources – thwarts all that when she sits Jax down and pointblank tells him that even a sociopath like himself would regret not having his oldest friend at his wedding. Jax still insists Tom 1 owes him an apology though, for what I am absolutely 100% not sure. Also I fast-forwarded through the scene of Jax re-inviting Tom to be in the wedding because I simply could not bear the second-hand embarrassment of watching Tom grovel to a troll-human hybrid just because Tom 2 is incapable of tying his own bow tie.

So Tom 1 is back to being co-best man, but he’s not the number one Tom, Tom 2 is.  It also means they have an extra groomsman because Jax spitefully invited Randall to be in the wedding as Tom’s replacement. Trouble breeds trouble and Jax Taylor breeds well, the CDC is probably quarantining it… Brittany’s Baby – coming soon! (That’s a Rosemary’s Baby horror story reference).

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Jax Taylor Brittany Cartwright Vanderpump Rules

Jax and Brittany had to leave the party early to run home and take a call with their ‘pastor,’ Lance Bass. You know the guy Lisa insisted they hire to demonstrate to the world that they are SO NOT HOMOPHOBIC. Jax, who has no stereotypical ideas about gay people at all, has but one request: that Lance wear rainbow robes. BECAUSE JAX IS SO NOT HOMOPHOBIC. Look – Jax and Brittany cannot rewrite history. For months they knew Original Sin pasture was making those homophobic tweets, but they thought they would get away with it. The producers at Bravo also knew for months and were watching this situation on simmer just waiting to see what Jaxney would do, and they would have had him officiate their weddin’ if Lisa hadn’t finally stepped in with a cease and desist order.

Kristen Doute is still on the outs with Katie and Stassi. At Ariana’s party she tries to bond with Katie over shots, but Katie is already tequila-Kati’d up, so Kristen winds up crying as she tries to, once again, defend her situation with Carter. Katie is not one to talk! She who was breaking up with Tom 2 for the first 3 seasons of this show and even allowed a ring on a string in response to her ultimatum. The only thing that got Tom to propose was that Katie lasso’d his balls with that ring on a string and he realized he was effectively dead to any future relationships.

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Charli Burnett Vanderpump Rules

So in other drama Charli, I before E except after C, had a bad date with Brett Caprioni. Which is just what Scheana hoped would happen, even though Charli is like her friend and mini-me and like the result of freezing her eggs with an Easy-Bake Oven.

Charli complains that Brett spent their entire date talking about his ex. Who it turns out he broke up with TWO YEARS AGO. Brett thinks Charli is immature because she’s never eaten pasta, (and this show is all about this pasta!!) and she also only listens to podcast that contain singalongs and stories about fairies. Scheana thinks Charli is trying to copy her very existence, but no one is that sad. Charli is merely organically tragic and dumb.

Brett Caprioni Vanderpump Rules

Scheana confronts Brett at work because he told Charli about Scheana calling her “untrustworthy.” Scheana would never use that word, even though she honestly doesn’t trust anyone at SUR. In the middle of their discussion, which sounds like two cats mewing over an empty tuna can while trapped in a kazoo, Charli walks over to tell Brett he was a bad date and a bore. He starts yelling to defend himself, which one has to do to be heard over the vortex of a Scharli smoothie that is trapped in a blender. A blender that is yelling “I’m freezing my eggs!” Protein. Poor Brett’s head is spinning when Charli ends the discussion by telling him to go write about his girl dramas in his diary. Scheana trots off thinking this all means she has another chance with a mature man like Brett. After all she’s freezing her eggs!

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Lisa Vanderpump Vanderpump Rules

Finally everyone arrives in Kentucky where Brittany bellows over the balcony of a fake castle that she’s GETTING MAAAAAAIIIIIRRRIED to a man she fake loves. Everyone has to pretend this shabby castle with the permanently indented cushions is the lap of luxury, as Brittany tells anyone who will listen, even the teapot she thinks will come alive and sing when the lights go out, that she has dreamed of a wedding here since she was a little girl. That castle is a castle like Medieval Times is one!

The first bit of drama is that Carter, who is invited to the wedding, isn’t allowed to stay at the castle and is put up at a nearby hotel instead. Therefore Kristen is stuck rooming with Seriously Single Scheana (and her eggs in progress). Then Rand isn’t here in time for the rehearsal dinner. Also Lisa returned from London, but still doesn’t feel up to attending the wedding, and confides this to Max Boyens, because that is the depths of her depression. And then Lala Kent almost shows up to the rehearsal dinner in a white lace dress, like she doesn’t know it’s a faux pas to wear white lace to anyone else’s weddin’

But the biggest drama is that during the rehearsal the wedding planner goes by the original wedding party line-up which has Tom 1 walking down the aisle directly behind Jax. A moment Tom 1 was fully prepared for when he provided an umbrella to shield Jax’s freshly Fraxel’d skin from the sun, and a fan to prevent pit stains on the dress shirt. Tom 1 is so good at this Best Man thing that he’s thinking of starting a rent-a-best-best-man service. He really needs to do this.

Jax Taylor Brittany Cartwright Vanderpump Rules

Instead of feeling grateful, Jax throws a hissy fit and complains to Brittany that he doesn’t want Tom 1 standing next to him because he’s still mad, and Tom 2 is the new Tom 1. Brittany is even like dude – grow the f–k up, but she capitulates to his demands and asks Tom 1 to step behind Tom 2, which means that Tom 1 will now be walking Katie down the aisle. Truly a slap in the face! Jax feels like he graciously extended an undeserved re-entry into the wedding party, so Tom 1 better do everything he demands, or else. I think Tom 1 should put ipecac in Jax’s shots the day of the wedding, so that the next shit Stassi starts smelling in that hotel won’t come from Jaxney’s untrained dogs! Revenge, served cold and slipped right under Jax’s nose.

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Instad Tom just puts on a stiff upper lip (thank god for Botox!) and feels deeply sad inside that he’s being rejected and cast aside after a 20 year friendship where he has forgiven Jax for so many horrific things. It’s not about the pastor! It’s actually about the principal of the matter.


[Photo Credit: Bravo]