Suddenly I am interested in the new people on Vanderpump Rules. It’s because of the way the girls react to men treating them like dirt. Initially I was like Dayna Kathan will not last long on this show if she’s dumping Max Boyens at the first whiff of a cheating scandal, because the very basis of this show is the girls (and Tom Sandoval) learning that for months their sigfig has been lying to them and cheating.
I mean, every season without fail there has been a cheating mess involving one of the guys doing the dirty and one of the girls forgiving him after lots of tearful remonstrations and emotional drunk-fests.
Like here we are on the forever precipice (the fall into the abyss of weddings where there literally is no bottom) of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright getting married, and Jax is defining Brittany as the perfect girl for him for one reason and one reason only: she’s the only one who stayed. Every other girl eventually wised up and dumped his cheating, trifling, philandering, narcissistic, manipulating, lying impregnating, betraying, ass. Everyone but Brittany, who wants the wedding in a phony castle and the princess fantasy of turning the beast into a man far more than she wants the man. Um, Brit there’s a reason the Disney movies end with the wedding.
Anyway, now we have the new girls, who are a few years younger than the originals and are not putting up with this shit. Dayna decided regardless of whether or not Max actually cheated, she just couldn’t trust him and wasn’t going to put her heart on the line for a douche that would, in all likelihood, eventually break it in some selfish, thoughtless, unmeaning way like sleeping with a waitress after his shift one night.
It’s obviously prudent to ignore any warnings or advice on men from Scheana Marie, who was competitively trying to undermine Dayna and Max’s fledgling relationship to prove her AppleWatch is still the band that binds, but then another girl Max dated comes forward with a tale of seeing him at some one-name bar with a different girl. Someone who looked “THOTish” which can only mean one thing – Max swiped right and swept her right into bed.
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Given that Max treated this other SUR waitress similarly callously when they were supposed to be EXCLUSIVE (say that word in a hushed and fervent tone, please!), some instagram sleuthing was required, which uncovered a photo of the girl posed THOTishly in a Tom Tom PRIDE shirt. Shirts that no one in all of LA had access to except for Max, and he was hoarding them like sacred solid gold – the original LP put out by Scheana; a copy signed in glitter pen.
Dayna invites Max over and confronts him, producing a photo of the t-shirt girl in question. Max admits they were dating, and apparently she maybe even moved from San Diego to LA with plans of them being together, but the last time he saw her was at PRIDE. He also gave his mom a Tom Tom shirt!! Dayna doesn’t believe him and decides to end things right there. With a parting gift of dipping the necklace he left at her house first in the toilet, then in the kitty litter box stationed next to it. Ahhhh… apartment dwelling with cats. I do un-fondly remember those days! Max is none the wiser about where his chain has been, which is exactly how Dayna felt about being none the wiser about where their chain of exclusivity really was. Unfortunately, Max blames Danica Dow for speeding gossip to Dayna and trying to destroy their relationship!
Now imagine if Katie Maloney had done that to Tom 2‘s Ring On A String all these years ago? She wouldn’t be sitting here 3 years later pretending to laugh at the discovery that Tom never filed their wedding license, the one thing she actually tasked him to do, and instead he likely threw it away! GIRL, if that is not the most PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE indicator that he’s not truly committed to you, I do not know what is. And why is everyone acting like this is a hilarious joke and an excuse to have a second wedding?! As if we need more fucking weddings on this show. KATIE, that is what’s called dodging the bullet. You can leave this man and find someone who cares enough to bathe in an actual shower the day you get married and make things fucking legit. But this is Katie, and I have no words to describe the human lump of sulk that is Katie. Katie only registers above apathy when it comes to hating on other women.
I do have words to describe Raquel Leviss, who under the tutelage of empowered-ish girls her own age has finally set some boundaries with James Kennedy. James is still a monster of a person who deserves to be stoned with First Generation iPods all blaring Tom 1′s trumpeting remixed with Solid Gold. After his drunken verbally abusive tirade Raquel has decided he has one last chance to get sober. James confesses to Max that he’s never seen Raquel so serious and her assertiveness was sexy, and so he’s going to AA. So sexiness sends your man to sobriety. Scheana missed that memo!
Also I don’t know if getting sober for another person is the right way to do it, but alls well that ends well, so good for Raquel for drawing a line in the sand with her fairy wand. She still needs to dump James and find someone who will never ever ever call her a slut, because Ariana Madix is right – if it happens once it will eventually happen again, and eventually those words will sink into Raquel’s subconscious. It was, however, obvious that Raquel’s sudden independence was spawned by friendships with Dayna, Danica (who will kick her boyfriend’s ass at the mere suggestion of a three-way), and Charli Burnett who shot down Brett Caprioni so fast his journal was left smoking (although Charli is still annoying as hell). Charli isn’t Scheana Jr, because these are girls with some expectations and boundaries. Who will get on a TV show on their own terms. And I like it.
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Meanwhile we have Kentucky. SIGH. In Kentucky we have a woman who slept with a much-older married man on the first date to get a Range Rover, lecturing us about feminism. But at least Lala Kent‘s 1950’s throwback bikini with the ruffled skirt was incredibly cute. She’s also going to reach out to James and offer him support in going to a meetings.Which is nice.
In Kentucky on the eve of the wedding eve, we also have Brittany still not getting a clue. Brittany decides to surprise her guests with one of those phony murder mysteries. Stassi Schroeder is ecstatic. She was born to solve mysteries — which is why Stassi’s never able to figure out that her boyfriends are cheating on her. Of course she doesn’t solve this one, but Lala does. Without even trying. This puts Stassi in a sulky mood which is exacerbated by a run-in with Kristen Doute over Carter, who cannot be carted away for all the tequila in Oaxaca.
Just as Stassi, Katie, and Lala are discussing what the fuck Carter is doing at the Jaxney wedding, Kristen comes over. According to Kristen now Carter is her best friend in the whole world. Which is probably true considering that the Witches of WeHo, previously her sole remaining friends, ditched her. Kristen yells at Katie for being a bitch, and when Stassi leaps in to defend Katie, Kristen stomps away. Kristen doesn’t understand why they care so much if it wants to take her 62 years to end a toxic relationship. On one level I agree, but her friends are tired of hearing about how horrible Carter is while Kristen continues to pretend like she’s gonna do something about it, then doesn’t and he shows up places awkward and unwanted. The bottom line is that in adult friendships boundaries have to be drawn, and Katie has drawn one in deciding her friendship with Kristen is done.
As Jax retreats to his room, sobbing into a cheeseburger, to mourn his dad, everyone else goes out for more celebrating. I want to feel sorry for Jax, but he’s ostracized his mom and also Tom 1 for asserting opinions he doesn’t like. He should be rallying closer to the family he has left. He’s a tyrant, and I don’t know why his sister is standing for their mother not being invited. I am really curious to get the mom’s side, and Jenny’s. I wish Vanderpump Rules would do some investigative journalism on this. Can we put Stassi on the case? Or better yet, Lala. Lala knows her forensic accounting and uses the dick antenna to carefully monitor signs of subterfuge. Also despite doing everything to make amends and make this a special day, Tom 1 is still not back in Jax’s good graces.
At the bar Kristen corners Beau Clark to complain about Stassi abandoning her. Kristen bursts into tears when Beau frantically tries to explain that he has to take Stassi’s side, well, because he wants to. As he should! He also really doesn’t want to discuss this on Jaxney’s special day. Considering that it’s been their wedding for like a year, as Tom 1 pointed out, there’s been a moratorium on discussing anything of importance for that entire time. Which is why friendships are dropping like flies.
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The next morning a very hungover Tom 2 admits to Katie that he’s fine if they all ditch Kristen. A sentiment Beau shares, because otherwise the Dark Passenger will hijack his phone and send Kristen crazy vitriolic texts and probably also photos of Satan’s penis dripping cyanide and Tito’s. You know, Stassi’s preferred porn! Beau is annoyed because Kristen feels like she has some sort of leverage over Stassi and Beau’s relationship, or at least over Beau, who she insists was her friend first. She still texts him complaints about Stassi, which is so not OK. For Kristen, boundaries have always been a very frayed and fuzzy line. Kristen has a habit of going to Stassi’s people – like her mom – to try and make herself the victim.
That night everyone meets at a Speakeasy for a meet-n-greet, where Randall Emmett appears with a surprise guest: Lisa Vanderpump! The funeral was postponed (hopefully not to accommodate this wedding) so Lisa decided to hop a last-minute PJ to Kentucky for their annual PRIDE week. Oh whoops, I mean the wedding – which happens to be occurring at the same time. Karma! We’re not talking about those allegations of homophobia, though, because no one can say anything remotely questioning to the bride and groom in the 16 years before their wedding day.
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Also I imagine every time Rand charters a PJ he can’t afford to keep the BJ’s going, Fofty gets another percentage on his loan APR.
Jax cries that with his mom not here Lisa is his replacement mother. Which is bullshit. He chose to alienate his family and also his best friend. No sympathy for that devil, who continually brags about how Tom’s relationship to Ariana is fake while his is perfect, and makes fun of Scheana for getting a divorce (OK, that’s actually funny)
After the speakeasy, the bride and groom splinter off with their respective wedding parties. Brittany makes Jax swear he’ll keep it tight-n-right, ala sober and controlled, so he’s in top form for their big day. The day that Brittany has been counting down to since she emerged from Sherri’s frosted pink womb. Jax agrees, because Jax lies like the rug of Kristen’s frayed logic, but within seconds of seeing his bros he’s slamming drinks and pondering how he found himself to be married.
Jax decides being tied down is now OK, because it’s emerged that Tom 2 isn’t legally yoked, which makes Jax the first in their group to get married. Which in his mind elevates him to No 1 guy. Even if the available pool of guys was Darth Vader, James on a bender, Rand in a moment of begging Fofty for lenience, and Tom 2 reeking of river water, Jax still wouldn’t be the No 1 guy. Tom 1 is and always will be!
As Brittany and her friends twerk in “castle-themed onesies” (whatever the unholy fuck that is), Jax downs shot after shot until Tom 1 cuts him off with a gentle reminder that in a few lone hours he’ll be getting Cartwright’d. Can this wedding PUH-LEAZE finally happen next week?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?! I cannot go on another minute of seeing Brittany in dopy, unflattering white lace items.
TELL US – WILL THIS WEDDING EVER END? DOES KRISTEN DESERVE FORGIVENESS? DID DAYNA MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION DUMPING MAX?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]