Comscore

Beau Clark

Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules

I’ll tell you a secret: you will not find your answers in life by going to the Disney World of Yolanda Hadid’s Lyme Brain, aka Solvang (a pretend version of a Dutch village) and drinking until you fall on your ass in an unflattering romper repurposed from vintage prison uniforms. Just ask the ladies of Vanderpump Rules who tried just that!

Likewise you will not improve your life or your relationship by having a guy’s night at a hotel where you pretend you’re just picking up chicks for a single friend. That will instead make you realize you’re married to someone like Katie Maloney, who is wearing your balls as a ring on a string.

Kristen Doute

On tonight’s Vanderpump Rules the ladies are still in Solvang – the Epcot Center of wine countries – and Crazy Kristen Doute is rearing her ugly head. We like to call her ‘The Kritter’ since it’s so much more ominous but you know either nickname will suffice.

While Kristen threatens to destroy the trip, just like she ruined the most EPIC PRIVATE JET ride in history, Scheana Marie has a tantrum over her collapsed friendship with Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney. One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure, I suppose…

Vanderpump Rules - Kristen Doute

Batten down the hatches because after a few weeks of in hiding Krazy Kristen Doute has returned in full splendor on Vanderpump Rules. Solvang? Or So Insane? Kristen wasn’t the only one Solvagning problems though – Jax Taylor and James Kennedy both went to therapy, but not together. Although they probably should.

It’s the day after the inaugural TomTom party and Lisa Vanderpump hasn’t had a hangover since 1985, aka before Tom 1 and Tom 2 were born… Oh, wait: everyone on this show is pushing 40, which makes them older than me. And they’ve definitely given LVP enough headaches to quantify as a hangover.

The Toms are overjoyed with their first event. They were ready to spread the doors wide to the public at large. Tom 2 wants a gold star on his chore chart.

Lisa reminds them that there’s no gas (or ice). James was spinning records in the utility closet sitting on 2 Costco mega-packs of Charmin Double Ply. 

Vanderpump Rules - Kristen Doute

Tonight on Vanderpump Rules Lala Kent rewards the girls for no longer calling her a whore by taking them on a private jet to Solvang Wine Country.

Of course, since this is Vanderpump Rules, aka NeverNeverLand for drunken delusionoids, Kristen Doute acts up and embarrasses everyone. Of course hinging your life’s worth on a private jet is embarrassing enough so I can’t imagine how bad Kristen must be! 

Vanderpump Rules - TomTom Opens

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules TomTom finally opened its doors in the frantic, frenzied, disastrous way you’d expect from Tom 1 and Tom 2.

Welcome to Mr. Tom’s Wild Ride – first stop the deluxe modern apartment of one DJ James Kennedy, who will have his reintroduction into SURciety by being the inaugural DJ at TomTom. Trust me – it sounds like a much bigger honor than it actually is. With havoc on the homefront and no ice at the bar, Lisa Vanderpump quickly realizes she needs the Toms temporarily distracted. So, she dispatches 5% personal assistants to wrangle menial tasks. Tom 2, as always, drew the short straw and is forced to go discuss the music with James.

As he waits for Tom’s arrival James works on his apology letter to Mandall, the entree nous he needs to get back into Lala Kent‘s homie status. Raquel LeViss is not impressed with James’ labors of Lala-dom. 

Vanderpump Rules - Jax Taylor

On tonight’s Vanderpump Rules the teartini is replacing the pumpini, because oh-oooooh: Everybody’s crying!

Jax Taylor is celebrating the last birthday of his 30’s but he’s still fighting with his mom about the way his dad’s cancer was handled. She doesn’t even call him on his special day. As Jax struggles through his first birthday without his parents a flood of emotions come pouring out. 

Vanderpump Rules - Ariana Madix

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was inspired by 70’s icon Olivia Newton John who implored everyone to “get physical” – although may be not in illegal situations (i.e. a moving vehicle) with inconvenient partners.

So first we must discuss Tom 2‘s new hair color. It is rather reddish, like a Burnt Sienna crayon from the Crayola big box of 64 colors. It is best described as Raggedy Andy. Which is basically Tom’s whole life: loafing around WeHo, skulking behind Katie Maloneys rage, just awwww… shucks-ing while drinking his blues into oblivion near every open bar.

This morning’s ‘le sad emoji’ is because Lisa Vanderpump is still refusing to reveal the interior of TomTom because it’s not ready. Tom 1 is even more devastated. He had his outfit all freshly pressed and ready to go when they got the call letting them know takeoff had been delayed. Again.

Tom Sandoval Tonight the Vanderpump Rules crew parties too hard and experiences lapses in judgment. You know, something new and different! Except for this time, Tom Sandoval also jeopardizes his relationship with Ariana Madix by sharing details about her personal life in mixed company. Oopsie. First, everyone visits Scheana Marie‘s new shrine, aka the apartment where she lays her massive self-photo collection. But Scheana isn’t just showing off her new place, she’s also showing off her new man by revealing that she and Adam Spott have finally gotten physical.