Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was a doozy. I thought last week was bad, but well, I should’ve known better.
Why on earth does Jax Taylor think it’s a punishment to be kicked out of his trashy-ass wedding? He’s horrific so not being associated with that wad of human filth – a literal hairball pulled out of a 50 year old drain who isn’t even inviting his OWN MOTHER to his wedding – is the best thing that could possibly happen to a decent human being like Tom Sandoval.
Also Ariana Madix is the only person on Vanderpump Rules who truly understands with a toxic cesspool it is. It is the drain! The drain where a thousand strands of hair that wouldn’t pass a drug test and the dead skin of dead souls collects into an impenetrable mass that just traps a person there. Ariana is realizing that she’ll barely escape alive. That she is one scowl and a Hot Cheeto and tequila sundae away from turning into Katie Maloney, marrying a man she detests to prolong the only thing that pays her enough to buy a track home in the way-out Valley.
I’m just going to say it. Scheana Shay (also known as Scheana Marie) has terrible taste in men. Few Vanderpump Rules viewers can argue that point. Last season, she was “just friends” with Adam Spott, and spent the finale asking Adam to confess that he loved her. Oh, and she gave him a penguin that she adopted for him. Project Penguin failed.
Scheana spent Season 6 of Pump Rules bragging about all of Rob Valletta’s amazing qualities. They split after filming for the show wrapped. Recently, Scheana bought new Vanderpump Rules co-star Max Boyens an Apple watch to celebrate Thanksgiving. Of course she did. Max has some major issues of his own to address.
It’s been hard to accept the new Vanderpump Rules cast members, with their racist tweets, aversions to pasta, and just the fact that it just takes too much effort to keep track of the 13,544 cast members who star in this show.
However, there’s one new person that the longtime cast members actually seem to like, Dayna Kathan. Well, almost all of the longtime cast members. Scheana Marie has put Dayna through the ringer, hazing her at SUR, kicking her out of a group hair appointment, and just getting all in Dayna’s business over her hookups with Max Boyens. Lisa Vanderpump even accused Scheana of being jealous of Dayna, which Scheana denied, at first.
To quote the immortal N’Sync, whose reputation is sullied by an unfortunate association with Vanderpump Rules, “I know that I can’t take no more, It ain’t no lie, I want to see you out that door, Baby bye bye bye.” And yes, I have had enough!
More than enough of Bravo claiming to support human rights and equality, yet, at every turn employing people who are misogynistic, racist, bigoted, and homophobic. I’ve certainly had enough of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright. I’ve never cared about their love. Which seemed about as deep and stable as a damp cardboard box that Amazon left on your porch while you were crashing at your Tinder hookup’s place (basically Scheana Marie‘s version of marriage).
I’ve never had any interest in their greasy, fishy proposal. Or their Pinterest FAILED IT wedding planning. I can’t with Brittany’s increasingly amped up southern drawl and raspy cackle, or the way she douses herself in tequila like it really can kill off STDs (or kill off the lurking knowledge that her marriage to Jax is fake, and that he will always and forever cheat).
Love her or hate her, Scheana Marie always works for her life on Vanderpump Rules. Have you seen her intro shot? She is serving that tray! Over the years Scheana has really bared all about her relationships, unlike some people we know. As we venture into Season 8 (!) of Pump Rules it’s become blatantly clear that Scheana is the favorite cast member for producers to troll. Sure, maybe it’s just too easy. But if you listen to Scheana’s podcast, she’s been open about how producers only show her issues with men. They could instead actually show her working on music, her podcast, or her show in Vegas. They’ve also never talked about the fact that Scheana bought a house in Palm Springs. Instead we’re only seeing certain cast members “grow up” (eye-roll), and buy homes, like Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright, Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney, and Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix.
What we’re seeing about Scheana this season is not good. First, she’s still “working” at SUR. Second, she’s being framed as though she is jealous and insecure over new girl, Dayna Kathan. Third, she’s apparently obsessed with bigots Max Boyens and Brett Caprioni. On last weeks’ episode, we caught a glimpse of some remorse for treating Dayna badly. But perhaps there’s more to the story here.
There were already a ton of people on Vanderpump Rules before this season. Plus, anytime someone gets into a new relationship, that brings in another new cast member, which has doubled the original cast.
For some reason, production decided to bring in a million new cast members for Season 8. Season 7 was a bit stale, I’m not gonna lie, but we don’t need to “meet” this many people and keep track of their lives. The viewers already have enough on their hands. Or at least Lala Kent thinks so.
Last night Vanderpump Rules celebrated the annual SUR rite of passage: PRIDE!
In order to survive in this alternate universe known as Lisa Vanderpump Land, which at this point is indistinguishable from Lisa Frank Land (and one will equally find themselves trapperkeeper’d), one must dress up in rainbow paraphernalia, endure hours of Scheana Marie warbling “Solid Gold” on repeat, and have a hysterical selfish meltdown about their heterosexual relationships while ostensibly celebrating gay rights. This time, for the second year in a row, that prideful accomplishment goes to James Kennedy.
That’s right, bitches, the White Kanye is back and he came to lead his flock in verse and song of rage. And proving that James is here to resuscitate Vanderpump Rules he was even wearing a “Life Guard” man-tank with matching visor, like something out of a Ken Doll box.