Oh, Real Housewives of Atlanta how I missed your crazy ways! It’s a new season… with the same intros? Bravo? What’s up with that!? On last night’s season premiere episode Kim prepared for her new life with Kroy and KJ, NeNe and Sheree got crazy, Phaedra found her new calling, Cynthia debuted The Bailey Agency and Kandi well… she was vibrating with excitement over a new business venture.
Things start out with a super prego Kim — and I think her wig is getting bigger as her bump grows — along with Sweetie and Kroy cleaning out her storage unit. Apparently, Kim and Kroy are moving into her dream home and she is planning to fill it with all the furniture Big Poppa paid for! While Kim sits in the car and drinks a slurpy, Kroy does all the heavy lifting. Kim seems happy yet warns Kroy he better not hurt his money maker hauling Big Poppa’s furniture around – she needs his booty to bring home those checks! She still can’t get over his booty either! Is Kroy a stripper or her boyfriend? Kim reflects on the differences between Big Poppa and Kroy: Big Poppa wouldn’t move a tissue, Kroy is a real man who lifts other man’s furniture, Big Poppa was married and Kroy isn’t, oh and Kroy’s ring is going to mean a thing! I missed Kim’s trashy!
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NeNe is buying her freeloading son Bryson another car after he crashed his truck. Apparently now that NeNe and Gregg are separated Bryson needs a car to help her. Doesn’t she have an assistant? And where is NeNe buying this car? At her ex-boyfriend, Jay’s car dealership! Apparently, they dated in college. NeNe went to college? Hamburger University does not count as college, Ms Leakes!
NeNe announces there is nothing wrong with flirting now that she is single, except Jay is actually married. Little advice: Close your legs to married men! NeNe announces she will be paying for said car in “cash money” as she is very rich these days after the connections from her appearance on Celebrity Apprentice garnered her lots of endorsements and hosting gigs. Work those Trump negotiating powers. Hi Haters!
At Kandi’s studio, Lawrence is working on the new single he co-wrote… and who should show up but Sheree. Or the Legendary Ms. Mother Effing Whitfield, if you’re nasty! Sheree informs Lawrence of her issues with the Notorious Ms. Mother Effing Leakes. Apparently, Sheree’s talent (talent?) for acting like herself garnered her a lot of attention which led to a lot of hosting gigs. She got NeNe and Kim involved in a gig she was offered and NeNe went behind her back and called the producer, asking him to hire her instead or something. Sheree is spun up about the irate crazy biatches appearance on Celebrity Apprentice and claims NeNe was only on the show for just that purpose: to be the irate, crazy, bitch! Sheree and NeNe will be discussing NeNe’s unscrupulous ways over a drink and Sheree is acting like she’s going to be calm and mature during said discussion. Um, right — that’s about as likely as me recording an album.
Cynthia is meeting with America’s Next Top Model’s legendary Miss J — runway diva extraordinaire and he is going to help her scout talent for her new modeling agency! Apparently, way back when he taught Cynthia how to work the runway and now a long, long way from Paris he is in Hotlanta to help her new clients work one. Cynthia is hosting an open casting to find potentials and there are many gems in the bunch — if you count cubic zirconium as a gem! Being a model is not the same as auditioning for a rap video, Cynthia informs us and the Bailey school will correct all that! Tyra, paging Tyra! What do we want to bet Cynthia will be making an ANTM appearance!?
Phaedra helps to plan the funeral of her great aunt and she is going all out! Willie Watkins, the most famous funeral director in all of Atlanta is doing the honors and Phaedra wants marching bands, carriages, music and lights on the hearse that plays through a megaphone! Everybody knows Phaedra is known for the most fabulous things in life – and death apparently!! See planning funerals is kinda Phaedra’s hobby and she does funeral programs on the side. Odd, but ok.
Also odd, Kandi is starting a new sex toy line called Bedroom Kandi! She doesn’t want to be too “hoochie.” Kandi invites Phaedra and Sheree to meet her at her sex toy shop to scope out the merch, but she’s late and Phaedra informs us that Kandi is on “CPT” or “colored people time”. Oh, but here she finally comes looking far too sweet for a sex store in a her Heidi of the Swiss Alps dress! Phaedra is a little confused about what most of this stuff does: weapon? microphone? massager? Luckily she gets a little lesson on how to use “the wedge” or what looks to me like a sex pillow for the lazy tired mama! Kandi announces one of her products will be a music programmed vibrator. She’s killing two birds with one stone, I guess – selling singles and sexy times! See Kandi is not just an award winning producer she is also an intimate luxury specialist. Quite the resume!
At Kim’s, the 34-weeks pregnant mama to be is lying in bed screaming for her poor abused Sweetie. She needs baked ziti with jalapeños, sour cream and onion chips, diet coke, and Kroy! “This pregnancy cannot get an odder,” says Sweetie. Kim is annoyed that Sweetie nuked her food on a plate rimmed in solid gold, which I am assuming Big Poppa purchased! Doesn’t Kim have sensible everyday dishes or is it only comfortably wealthy individuals who resort to such pedestrian measures? Brielle announces she is never getting pregnant after dealing with Kim! Hey, Kim is the best advertisement against teen pregnancy. She should take that act to Planned Parenthood and do some anti-teen pregnancy awareness seminars.
On the day of her great aunt’s funeral, the famous Willie Watkins isn’t able to conduct the services and Phaedra must step in last minute – wink, wink – to make this funeral pop! Which means Doves! Tuxedos! Top Hats! Live Music! Phaedra in a skin tight dress! Phaedra loves the pomp and circumstances of a funeral and believes arranging them may just be her new calling. In fact she is so excited for the next one! Um..yeah… whatever floats your boat…
Before meeting Sheree, NeNe calls Cynthia for a little pre-battle prep talk. Apparently Sheree has been gossiping around town and accusing NeNe of stealing money out of her pocket, but Sheree has it twisted because NeNe was just trying to put that little bit of money in Sheree’s very empty pocket. Where’s Dwight to be the charmingly humorous voice of snark when we need him? I miss you Dwight – come back, but bring your S1 nose!
NeNe claims Sheree is jealous of her successes away from Housewives, and informs Sheree, she will not be getting “out of character” for her. Sheree wants a “grown lady conversation” And cue the first fight of the season!
While Sheree wants a grown lady conversation, both women end up in a trashy Jerry Springer conversation. Apparently after Sheree involved NeNe in a hosting gig she landed, NeNe called the promoter, a gentleman named Tyrone, behind her back and claimed he could just hire NeNe instead. NeNe denies such unscrupulous measures as she is rich, very rich, and doesn’t need that little bit of money. Sheree starts lecturing NeNe about how black women should support each other instead of backstabbing, but NeNe doesn’t need Sheree to get all Star Jones (re: intelligent) on her!
In order to clear things up Sheree decides to call Tyrone, which enrages NeNe who wants to know how long Sheree has known this man? Sheree has known NeNe forever – which is probably why she chose to believe Tyrone’s recollection of the events! All this talk of calling Tyrone made me think of Erykah Badu and I wished she would burst in singing “Call Tyrone!”
NeNe decides she needs to call Diana who was her assistant at the time and get her two cents on what happened so both women are calling their backup on speaker phone in a restaurant while screaming into the phone. So, I hope there were no other diners present! NeNe then throws Diana under the bus (perhaps one of the reasons Diana is now her former assistant) by insisting Tyrone spoke to Diana not NeNe so if anyone was demanding more money it wasn’t her – it was her assistant. No, no, Tyrone recalls – he actually spoke to NeNe directly and so did his manager and everyone else he knows! So NeNe starts to yell, because she’s rich and while Sheree is running her mouth NeNe is running to the bank to cash “Trump Checks” And not only that while NeNe is rich – very rich, bitch – Sheree is losing houses and cars! In fact, NeNe will buy Sheree a new house and a new car!
Sheree comes back admonishing the very rich NeNe to get her teeth “fixed!” Apparently NeNe has 50K veneers! Oh dear– refund! NeNe announces she needs to leave before Sheree ends up in the emergency room and Sheree declares that she’s not getting chocked, because that B is not that crazy. Yes, yes she is, Sheree. Then Sheree chases NeNe out into the street (ok, they both actually just left to get in their cars which were parked next to each other) and yells that NeNe’s first car got repo’d in the Home Depot parking lot and informs us that there was a time when NeNe had rotten teeth and wasn’t wearing designer labels. Wearing clothes that aren’t designer?! What a loser! Ummm… I think it bears repeating that the only reason Sheree could afford designer labels is because she is a gold digger married a wealthy man who paid for them! Apparently Sheree is “too classy” (her words, not mine!) to whoop NeNe’s ass in a restaurant but she’ll meet her around the corner in an alley! Lying trashy bitch, indeed!
After screaming at Sheree over glasses of sweet wine, NeNe confides in her only remaining friend on the show, Cynthia, about what happened. NeNe starts sobbing big, fat, wet tears, claiming she is upset that Sheree chose to believe Tyrone over her and Sheree hit below the belt during their disagreement. Cynthia is wearing some brown and unflattering lipstick as she kisses NeNe’s butt something major. According to Kelly Bensimon Cynthia, NeNe is up here and everyone else is down here being jealous and hateful. NeNe is apparently very soft and sensitive and would never ever betray a friend, which is why we should believe her tears for Sheree are real. HA! Um, Cynthia – do you have Kim’s number? NeNe informs us she is not the type to stab you in the back, she’s more of a stab you in the chest kinda of a girl. Hey – good thing Phaedra is starting that funeral home…
Next Week: Miami, baby!
Watch What Happens Live: It’s a Wigstravaganza with a be-wigged Wendy Williams! The drinking game word is: wig! Wendy gets a sample of Kim’s pregnancy snack: Baked Ziti and Jalapeños. Ew.Wendy talks CPT and NeNe’s Celebrity Apprentice Crazy biatch demeanor! Wendy thinks Cynthia and NeNe were working each other following the NeNe/Sheree blow out! Crocodile tears, indeed!
Andy praises Kim’s good wig-stincts and debuts a Phaedra mock-up of his corpse – bedazzled! Wendy loves the NeNe/Sheree fight and mentions that NeNe is missing a couple teeth – Oops! Wendy cannot get over the fact that NeNe wants us to know she is “very rich!”
Wendy isn’t sure if Kandi’s sex toys are such a good storyline for Atlanta! Ah-greed! Andy quickly glosses over her opinion on the matter. He’s a crafty one, that Cohen!
Wendy gives her opinion of Kathie Lee Gifford repeating some gossip that Khloe Kardashian allegedly whispered (during Kim Kardashian’s wedding, no less) that she gives Kim and Kris’ marriage “six months”. Wendy feels Kathie should have kept her mouth shut and thinks Kimmie Kakes has a lot of explaining to do regarding her ever-so-brief, yet lucrative marital arrangement!
The game is Hollywig Squares! The winner gets a Golden Wig Trophy. Ooohhhh… it’s Andy vs. Wendy! And Andy wins!!! Cheater!! Conan O’Brien gets Andy’s Mazel of the Week for officiating a gay marriage on his show!
The poll question is: Whose side are you on: NeNe or Sheree? Wendy is on NeNe’s side, and viewers agree – but just barely! And Wendy issues a warning to NeNe about becoming “so mean” and losing her fans. Uh-oh! And BTW: NeNe will be on Wendy’s show this Friday, where I am sure Wendy will put her right in her place. I’ll be watching!
THOUGTHTS ON THE SEASON PREMIERE? ARE YOU EXCITED FOR SEASON FOUR AFTER LAST NIGHTS EPISODE? WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON: NENE OR SHEREE?