Last night on Vanderpump Rules we were treated to Stassi Schroeder's deployment of a new identity and further examples of her meteoritic dissension into crazy fameho of monstrous (monster being the operative word!) proportions.
Apparently no one at Sur ever leaves Sur. It's a vortex of incest or something and I am deeply concerned for the safety of their public restrooms. I would advise our poor Lisa Vanderpump to make STD tests mandatory among the staff. It is a matter of public health. Call the CDC, peeps! And get these souls on match.com – they need to date in the outside world!
So Stassi has left Jax Taylor for Frank. And Jax has a sit-down at the Barbie mansion-come-to-life known as Lisa's house to piteously cry about his egregious behavior in Vegas. For shame, these waxed and buffed specimens parading as menz took their shirts off and pretended to fight. That fighting was reminiscent of a New Kids On The Block video! And Jax still loooorves dear Stassi Staph Infection, but knows he must release her into the wilds.
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Lisa tells him the behavior of the Sur staff in Vegas reflects poorly on her – and the restaurant. Most importantly she is embarrassed by their idiocy and warns Jax that his job could be in jeopardy if the Stassi nonsense continues. Jax leaps up, his white man tank taught and crisp, and he tells Lisa: "I better shape up, 'cause you need a man. I better shape up, if I'm gonna prove…" Then he falls to his knees to beg her forgiveness. Clearly I wish that had happened.
Lisa clucks her approval and goes back to floral arranging and Pomeranian fluffing. From the distance Peter Madrigal watches on, bemused. Lisa decides to call a staph meeting.
In between calling the meeting and the Jax lecture, Stassi returns to work. Except while she was once Queen Bee she is now Anne Boleyn as Henry VIII secretly plotted to divorce her, too. The tower awaits our
gnarly fair princess!
There has been an interesting development in the days of Stassi's suspension. Jax has moved on. Rapidly. He began hooking up with Laura Leigh, an ex drug addict who just desperately wants love.
In the 6.5 minutes she's been hugging on Jax's nuts she declares herself the happiest she's ever been. She cries tears of joy and promise for the new life emerging before her. I think she once saw something this beautiful during an acid trip, but that was before rehab. Lisa does not approve. Also disapproving is Peter, who makes a mental note to stock up on disinfectant.
Jax, of the pining and phighting for Stassi, announces he's fallen in love with Laura Leigh over the walking of dogs and declares it the best sex he's had in ages. What about that stripper, porn star, hooker, mail order bride he impregnated yesterday?
And now Stassi is having a meltdown. Stassi does NOT like when Jax does not stay hooked on her vagina even though she threatens to stab him in the throat with a press-on nail and cut his balls off with cuticle scissors then wipe him all over the walls of Elite Models. She starts whining and crying at work threatening to leave, stomping her feet and throwing a full-on tantrum that no one likes her and Jax and Laura Leigh are doing it to spite her. Good lord the level of professionalism of that girl!
Dr. Peter, on the scene with emergency thorazine, reprimands her and calmly reminds her that Lisa is out for blood and she needs to ignore it, go back to work, and attend to the 50+ reservations rolling in. Swedish Princesses may not sling drinks, but desperate reality queens and struggling models sure do. From the corner Kristen Doute smirks.
Poor Peter. I hope Lisa compensates him well!
Grosssssss… do these people shower in bleach? Let's hope!
Kristen is having a party with one of the Toms (1 or 2, I cannot decipher). She's elated that Stassi has denounced them all because finally they can have fun and embrace Scheana Marie Famewhore.
Speaking of Scheana Marie, she's about to do some big musical performance at The Roxy. This involves gyrating, of course, but not quality singing. It was Housewives Single quality – I think you know what I mean.
In the 30 seconds since Stassi pooped on their years long friendship during an extended Vegas egotrip, Kristen, Katie Maloney, and Tom 1 & 2 have moved on too. They celebrate the overthrow with drinks. And Jax and LL (can we dub them LLFoolJ as a couple?) are invited. And they make out. And then LL shares some wisdom.
Everyone gathers around listening intently as she reads the sacred text. They are text messages from Stassi informing her that everyone hates her, she is a disgusting human being, she will rot in hell for dating Jax and Stassi will personally behead her for betrayal after ruining her life and making it so miserable for her to come to work she may quit. Stassi really, REALLY needs to stop watching Heathers. Did she not see what happened to Heather 1 of the red croquet ball? One word: Drano.
Everyone is speechless. But not Scheana. Oh not Scheana. She has been waiting patiently for this moment for all the live-long months of her indentured servitude at Sur. And furthermore she is not surprised.
The next day Lisa calls a staff meeting, which was more or less a complete soap opera. How I yearn for a staff meeting this dramafilled and delicious. The theme of said meeting is: Why Stassi Sucks & Other Pressing Issues About Indecorous Behavior.
Lisa sits on a barstool – OK, throne – directing the agenda. Inter-company dating is discussed. Lisa classifies it as inappropriate but is in a quandary as she cannot fire them all. Um, yes she can, but keep Peter. And Scheana because at least she appears to do her job.
And then Vegas is discussed. The turmoils of Stassi's behavior are brought up and how she threw drinks (an act she blamed Scheana for! Scheana wasn't there, mind you!) and pulled hair. Stassi whines in her own defense that she is NOT a "Ghetto Bitch" but trashy SUR people are driving her to that behavior.
Lisa points out that if it acts like a ghetto bitch, it's a ghetto bitch which means Stassi is a ghetto bitch. Stassi bursts into tears, runs screaming from the room, has a big tantrum about how SHE is a princess. NO QUEEN! And no one – NO ONE – is going to ruin her life. "But you're still a ghetto bitch," Lisa gently reminds her. Ghetto bitch sounds so much nicer when said with a lilting British accent.
Laura Leigh also has a meltdown. She brings up the text messages. Stassi believes since she was once nice to LL in an attempt to manipulate her, LL owes Stassi her first born and eternal loyalty. And that means not dating Jax ever – even if Stassi told her their relationship was over for months and has started dating Frank. The recent hook-ups are an act of treason befitting of the cruelest punishment. Oh, and Stassi once bailed on her shift and left LL to cover all her tables.
Lisa is flummoxed and also grossed out by all the unraveling information. This Stassi situation is becoming very tawdry. Lisa is also worried about the so-called fragile Laura Leigh. I dunno about that… this girl is as calculating as Princess GB, only her squeaky voice and innocent demeanor mask it better.
Lisa warns them that if they don't start changing their behavior pink slips will be handed out. And not fancy, sparkly, party invites! Outside Stassi convenes with her new band of merry followers. How she retains any allies after the text message reveal is a mystery to me. Camera time, right?
Later Stassi learns of Scheana's performance and derides it as pathetic and embarrassing. She calls Scheana a hooker and says no one has had backup dancers since 1999 when Britney Spears was hot. Stassi has not been out in the world much has she? She decides she's going to attend Scheana's performance just to laugh at her. Her new gaggle of desperate clingers-on think it is the bestest and most ingenious idea they've ever heard.
Yay! I didn't fall of the stage. S-U-C-C-E-S-S!
And then Scheana performs in a duck-tailed tutu and rolls around the stage gyrating. OK, so it wasn't the classiest performance. Or the most refined. And the singing, well, she ain't no Beyonce! Or even Krayonce! But A for effort right. It takes balls to get out there and she did. Even Stassi was impressed, because well the only thing she can do is throw tantrums and send hate texts and suddenly she understands how Scheana was able to woo a married man and it wasn't her IQ or her fancy boarding school!
After the show everyone continues to ignore Stassi as they gather around Scheana – their new BFF – cause Scheana is soooo much more fun! And there's not so many rules attached. And it's nice to get along with people instead of hating them for reasons they don't understand. And it's like the spell has been lifted and the curse broken. Ding-dong the witch is dead, a restaurant fell on her head!
Except Stassi doesn't like this. SHE wants to be the center of attention, so she tucks her purse between her legs and shuffles up to Scheana to offer the least sincere congratulations I've ever seen. Then she fake cries. Scheana recognizing the power, but also sort of radiating in the fact that Stassi is being nice to her, forgives her and folds her into her big, pink taco tutu hug and a smile.
Look at Scheana being the bigger person and hugging Princess Ghetto Bitch. Not bad for a home wrecking whore, right Stassi? And then they have drink together, but Stassi is still Stassi and she'll never change. She takes the shot, has it put on Scheana's tab and blows out of there with a "Bye bitch!"
Well, at least there was one brief fleeting moment when the whore took precedent over the princess, right? Even Anne Boleyn had her days in the sun!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHO SHOULD LISA FIRE? IS JAX USING LAURA LEIGH TO SPITE STASSI? WILL STASSI MAKE AMENDS WITH HER FORMER FRIENDS?