Vanderpump Rules lives by its own code of ethics. That code being, if you don’t get caught it’s not cheating, and if you don’t get caught cheating with your friend’s boyfriend, you’re still a good friend. Lisa Vanderpump needs to quit re-educating with sommeliers and instead try educating her employees on HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. Like maybe Communications 101?
Also, I owe Kristen Doute an apology. Sort of. I used to believe James Kennedy was a super-douchey arrogant jerk because Kristen is so insane, but now I realize it was just a case of Like Attracts Like. They’re both total jerks, who, luckily for everyone else, had found each other to terrorize. Now that James and Kristen have split, James is inflicting his assholery on everyone else. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix are “Adulting,” James is instead “Douchebagging Extreme!” Run Lala, run!
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It’s pride week at SUR, which is WeHo’s Fourth Of July. This year Lisa is throwing parties at both, the glorious golden child PUMP, and it’s bastard trouble-making sibling SUR. To accomplish this fete Lisa requires a very large hat (and for keeping her staff in line: gallons of Lysol, a vat of penicillin, a CDC doctor on premise, taser, several restraining orders, NA vodka for Jax Taylor, and industrial strength dick repellent). Lisa explains the Brits wear hats to create distance between themselves and others; you see, it’s impossible to get too close with a giant hat barrier. I would be wearing a giant hat around my vagina at ALL TIMES if I worked at SUR. [No Jaxing or Jamesing Allowed Zone]
While Lisa is preparing for Pride, her minions are running around town ruining their lives. James goes to Lala’s apartment so they can ‘mix’ music together. James aggressively demand/teases and guilt-trips Lala over being his girlfriend. Since Lala is noncommittal, James decides this means he can sleep with other women. Lala shrugged that she just doesn’t want to know about it.
James then informed Lala that he likes being bitten hard on his arm during sex. “I don’t know if we’re compatible – I’m a lover, not a biter,” acknowledges Lala. In other James tidbits, George Michael is his godfather and his father is George’s manager, therefore James grew up in the music industry. Apparently that explains his predatory nature of being a shark in the floozy-infested waters of SUR?
James and Lala make beautiful music together. Then she kicks him out. I have to admit, Lala is impressing me: she tries to have boundaries, she handles things maturely, and she doesn’t seem to get too wrapped up in drama. Especially for someone of 22. She’s far less immature than her 30-something co-workers (and Kristen). Yet, for how mature she behaves in some ways, in others she’s extremely naive.
Scheana Marie rides the delusion train, engined by denial, to the DMV to legally change the last name on her license to “Shay” because Mike Shay has gotten clean (for 2 weeks) and is making her the happiest woman alive. Tom 1 and Tom 2 are on their own campaign to save Shay. They take him to a Brazilian Martial Arts studio where we realize Shay is not physically fit enough to successfully hip thrust and grind his way into Scheana’s heart. Thank you for that vomit inducing demonstration Toms 1 & 2.
Afterward working out the Toms check-in with Shay‘s emotional state. Shay admits Scheana is controlling him even more and now that she discovered his drug abuse, she has “something to hold over his head for the rest of their lives.” Yeah, I agree with Jax – this marriage is doomed.
Shay is trying to be more assertive, because Scheana wears the barely-covering-her-ass-pants in that relationship, but when he attempts to communicate, she ignores him for her phone, clicking away with “those nails.” Tom and Tom are good friends – they decide to bring Shay back to capoeira and spend more time with him. I mean, Tom 2 doesn’t exactly have a job either, so it’s all good! But, seriously, shouldn’t Shay get some counseling???????
Jax is pretending his girlfriend Brittany doesn’t exist when Lala is near. It’s not as if Jax likes Lala, he just doesn’t want the 100 lb whippet with headphones known as James usurping him as SUR’s resident slimeball ladies man. Jax has been watching this show about what would people would do if they had 5 days to live and he’s been thinking hard about this question. Jax would use those remaining 5 days to kill all the people who have pissed him off; starting with James. Did Stassi make the list?
Lala, sadly, is drawn to Jax because all his tattoos mean he can “handle pain”. Clearly – he dated Stassi Schroeder! ironically one of his ‘sexy’ tattoos, clumsily covered over, was Stassi’s face! Yes, Lala, he can handle pain – which is why he lets Stassi carry his dick around in a box. Poor Jax – every time a new young snake gets a piece at SUR, some of Jax’s swagger disappears. Soon he’ll be reduced to being a busboy. #SURKarma
On the morning of Pride, Lisa and Ken oversee party preparations at PUMP, which is a mess. James is late for his DJ shift and arrives covered in scratch marks and bite marks on his arm, which he had to show off by wearing a tank top! He couldn’t possibly wear a t-shirt on that day, because how else would people know he’d been bedding a cougar, or possibly a mountain lion. James is all too eager to brag, salaciously, without giving names. Lisa is disgusted and demands he put on a jacket.
Ken, wandering around, overhears who exactly roughed James up. Lisa assumed it was Lala, but it turned out to be another SUR hostess by the name of Lauren, who is also dating a bartender. Ken and Lisa are speechless.
Lisa heads home to change, then she and Ken make their way to SUR where things are predictably disastrous. She flaps her hands apathetically, like the other white swan who doesn’t bother turf-warring with the evil black swan, and just instructs the girls to put on these weird dresses that look like my mom’s swimming suits with skirts. They have to also wear a pink trucker hat on their heads that says “SUR Pride.”
Tom 2, of jobless ambitions, arrives for the free drinks and so does Shay. According to Scheana it’s a “tradition” for Shay to hang out at SUR on Pride and drink while she works. Except this time Shay’s not allowed to get drunk, just have a couple drinks, because let me remind you Scheana could not be with someone sober, so Shay has to be able to drink responsibly if he wants to be part of Scheana’s squad. RUN SHAY RUN!
Jax is taking shots behind the bar, because, well, who doesn’t love a drunk bartender? He’s so drunk he’s screaming Lala’s name (STELLA-style, as in A Streetcar Named Desire), then breaks a glass in to the ice bin, which means it has to be completely emptied while there’s a line of 92,000 people clamoring for WhinyBitchTinis or SURvival Skillz, or whatever the hell Lisa calls these concoctions.
Then Lala gets her education of the inner-workings of SUR. James arrives, when Lala is conveniently standing at the hostessing booth with Lauren. Remember her?! James greets Lauren casually – she seems relieved of considering her BOYFRIEND is standing like 25 feet away. James kisses Lala right in front of Lauren, as Lauren is literally holding her breath. Lala notices the scratches and bite marks. She’s appalled and questions him. James doesn’t bite and tell, though, (good Vampire!). Even if Lala did say they could have a semi-open situation while figuring out if they’re dating or not, she’s not OK with this and demands James get away from her. Now.
James tries to manipulate Lala by telling her “You’re the most beautiful woman I’v ever seen.” It doesn’t work. James clearly mistook Lala with Kristen, and assumed by making her jealous, she’d be his girlfriend. One night stand fail!
Lala is legit pissed. Meanwhile everyone is talking about the feral animal who tore up James. Too bad said ferocious one didn’t rip James’ head off! Give Jax another Pumptini, and I’m sure that could be arranged!
A distraught Lala confesses to LAUREN, of all people, that she’s really upset about James. Even though she shouldn’t care, she wants to know who. Lauren, apparently a protoge of Kristen, smoothly convinces Lala to pretend not to care for her own pride, and let it go. Lauren hugs and kisses her “friend” Lala, then breathes a sigh of relief for dodging that bullet temporarily!
Naturally, in the middle of this, Kristen arrives. Everyone is trying their hardest to ignore her – most of all Lisa – who compares Kristen to a groupie. Kristen immediately hears about James’ S&M fest and is on a quest to pretend she doesn’t care who it was, while desperately buzzing around, getting drunker, and fishing for details. Even by being fake buddy-buddy with Lala to gleefully call James disgusting, as if Kristen was sobbing over him in that very parking lot 15 minutes ago. Kristen is deranged. It’s even more disturbing because she’s 10+ years older than James and Lala, yet acts less mature than Lala. Adulting she is not. Adolescencing that one is in permanence. Kristen is just too excited to have excuses to cause trouble.
As everyone is hanging out in the parking lot, post-Pride, James convinces Lala to talk to him. Eventually he confesses to sleeping with Lauren. Lala had to really drag it out of him (sarcasm!)…
Since gossip spreads like wildfire at SUR within 6 seconds everyone knows. Lala tries to confront Lauren, who refuses to discuss it and runs off. So Lala finds Lauren’s boyfriend behind the bar and tells him that Lauren f–ked James. The boyfriend immediately chases down Lauren and calls her out, but she won’t answer any questions. Despite Lala, the producers, and the camera crews’ best intentions Lauren manages to evade the cameras and refuses to allow the conversation to be filmed. Somebody’s embarrassed to be a cheating ho!
Jax, lurking nearby, finds a vulnerable Lala and shrugs that it’s the way of the SUR. Lala appreciates that Jax is always “straight” with her and keeps it honest – except for admitting to that whole having a girlfriend thing and for having ulterior motives of only wanting bang Lala to piss off James. Everyone is going back to Tom’s house, so Lala invites herself. Then she and Jax walk off together hand-in-hand, while everyone whispers that Lala is going home with Jax. “Since James decided to throw respect out the window, nothing is stopping me from getting with Jax,” decides Lala.
Meanwhile inside, Shay helps Scheana count her tips – $748! – while she interviews him about how much he drank and doling out positive reinforcement for not getting “trashed”. This is adulting in the world of SUR: Scheana praises her addict hubby for only getting buzzed, Jax is considered a bastion of honesty because he told Lala that everyone at SUR is a corrupt cheater, and Kristen is now welcomed back into the group she lied to repeatedly and tortured for years, because it’s essential that James be taught a lesson in not getting too big for his bitches after he was promoted from busboy to DJ. I give up.
TELL US – SHOULD LALA FORGIVE JAMES?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
