It seems like eons since we last checked in on the Real Housewives Of Atlanta, and lo and behold, they’ve had a total personality transplant behind our backs. Maybe it was Porsha Williams‘s decision to leave Barcelona early after her fight with Marlo Hampton that brought this about? Or maybe it was the healing powers of The Great Tyrone. Juussst kidding!
The ladies are bailing on their crumbling moldy villa, which probably wouldn’t have bothered Kenya Moore of Moore Manor as she is apparently used to mildew, but the rest of these high society creatures, who’ve seen neither hide nor slithery legs of water bugs and vermin, cannot cope and defect to a five star hotel. They rejoice as if they’ve escaped prison.
As they’re boarding the bus, they notice Porsha is missing so NeNe Leakes has to explain that Porsha decided, for her own sanity, to just simply go home. This was probably an excellent idea as Marlo is a dog with a glittery jamon.
NeNe relays that Porsha isn’t blaming anyone, nor did she call any of the ladies out (ahem… Marlo!), but she just feels at a loss over how to connect with the group because no one will get over the Kandi Burruss accusations.
This leaves even Kandi feeling bad. She decides that ultimately she is sort of over what Porsha said. They will probably never be friends again, but perhaps everyone can stop yanking so hard on Porsha’s weave. Especially if Porsha decides to sit down the entire group and once and for-all admit that she f–ked up.
The hotel was everything the ladies expected and more, so while Sheree Whitfield takes a minute to check in with Tyrone over at the federal penitentiary, everyone else gathers in NeNe’s suite for room service. Kandi has the idea that they should all do something nice for lonely, pathetic Sheree – like a sexy photoshoot so she can send the snaps to Tyrone through www.prisondate.com. Or maybe it’s www.inmatelove.com. Anything to get this woman out of her slump of wearing sweats. EVERYWHERE. Apparently everyone has phones inside now so maybe regular old iMessage would do. Marlo is appointed stylist for the project, while Eva Marcille and Cynthia Bailey will coach Sheree on modeling. It seems like a great idea until Kandi mentions to NeNe that she and Sheree may still have “elephants” named Tyrone in the room.
NeNe snaps: She has been married to Gregg Leakes for 20 years and never dated Tyrone, never looked at Tyrone, was never cousins to Tyrone, never boos with Tyrone, never liked Tyrone, nor even knew of his existence. So hold up – didn’t “MRS GREGG LEAKES” get divorced for a spell and do a whole spin-off re-wedding?! Does NeNe not recall that little incident during her separation from Gregg when she dated that creepy John? ON TELEVISION. I guess NeNe has amnesia – and annoyingly NO ONE mentions it! Not even Kandi! Needless to say, NeNe is pretending that she and Sheree are “all good,” but her outburst leaves everyone suspecting that perhaps there’s more to the story of NeNe and Tyrone because peach doth protest too damn much!
Kandi is irritated that NeNe tore her up for asking a question about the Tyrone rumors; everyone else just sits there quietly munching their food, hoping the elephant in the room won’t get spooked again and trample them too. How can anyone tolerate being friends with NeNe anymore?!
When Sheree finally emerges, there’s no pizza left, but a dark energy cloud lingers. She doesn’t want to do a photoshoot, because pants without an elastic waist are scary, but desperate to salvage the evening, everyone unites to push her into it. Eva and Cynthia do a modeling face-off, and Cynthia clearly needs Ms. Tyra‘s attention in the ‘smize department’ – like how could an ANTM winner show her up so flagrantly? Wasn’t Cynthia putting herself in the same category as Cindi, Naomi, and Christy (as in ‘Supermodels’) last week? Hmmm.
Then Marlo dresses Sheree up like Marlo – wig, boob tape, and all – and the look is um, well – it’s a bit creepy and Sheree is not at all comfortable, but she tries hard and the photos turn out OK. Then it’s time for another drunken twerking turn-up that ends with Kandi sneaking out of Cynthia’s room at the crack of dawn. Again, hmmmm.
Despite being the last one asleep, Kandi is the first one up and ready, which gives her plenty of time to fill Eva and Shamea Morton in on NeNe and Sheree’s past drama – like the Fix your teeth/Tyrone argument that effectively ended their friendship (and Sheree’s career as a Real Housewife) a few years back.
After a shady breakfast, the ladies hit the bus for a day of shopping, drinking, and designer ‘jamon’ sampling. Yes, entirely too weird. Even weirder is Cynthia’s suggestion that perhaps she can become Kandi’s ‘Marlo‘ – aka a boss’s kept woman. Cynthia keeps licking her lips in Kandi’s direction and talking about how she would take care of her, make sure she got to all her jobbbbbbzzzz, while Cynthia would finally become the ‘Real’ Housewife she never could with Peter. Ugh – eyeball and eardrum bleach please! Also, whatever Will has got going on, it is clearly not satisfying Fifty Cynt. She needs to fire up that Tinder App, set it to ‘Hook Up’ mode, and get busy. Kandi is creeped out. Plus, she’s already bankrolling Todd and Mama Joyce.
At the first shop, there was a ham leg wearing a fishnet stocking in the window, and the only thing for sale was ham anyway you could imagine, so Kandi, Shamea, and Sheree wisely decide to split up and eat someplace else.
Over dinner, Eva reveals to NeNe that she heard about her friendship fall-out with Sheree and is surprised since they seem so cool. NeNe just blinks and smiles, because Tyrone WHO?
Everyone is on edge because there is protesting in Barcelona over the Grenada independence vote, so on their last day after all the dirty accusations and bugs, Cynthia decides to spiritually cleanse herself by driving an hour or so to the beach for a Love, Light, and Positivity ceremony. Good Lord. Absolutely no one is feeling this, but somehow they find themselves wearing coordinating maxi dresses and standing by the water holding symbolic candles. In broad daylight. While Cynthia officiates some weird ‘Let’s Be Friends’ unity ceremony.
Each candle has another housewife’s name on the bottom so whomever has that particular candle has to say something nice about the person. Of course it’s designed to set people who don’t like each other up to fail. Shockingly, NeNe didn’t wind up with Kim (or Sheree) but her known enemy Porsha. Except now that Porsha finally groveled to NeNe for support and advice, ergo seeing the light (pun intended), NeNe feels they’re finally moving in the right direction. She hopes Porsha finds her peace. Shouldn’t Kandi have gotten Porsha? Or NeNe? Instead, she got Sheree and called her an inspiration. Ha. Cynthia ‘coincidentally’ got NeNe, so she gushed all about how they are true sisters and she can’t imagine her life without her, blah, blah, blah, jamon-y barf.
Apparently, Eva and Shamea still have a rift and wind up with each other. That was a desperate attempt at drama, and Eva begins to lecture Shamea for being shady over the Missy Elliot question, then decides that since Shamea has since stayed in line, they can give each other another chance. Ridiculously, Shamea takes this as a compliment, and they hug to future friendship. Why was Eva so pressed about this? Wasn’t she the one complaining that NeNe’s over-reaction to Kandi’s question about Tyrone indicates she must have something to hide? Well, Eva if the Louboutin fits. Cause it seems like the same reaction she had to Shamea wondering about Missy Elliot. Which was basically a RUMOR from the blogs. Girl, please!
After the candle ceremony, Cynthia wades ankle-deep into the water to ‘baptize’ herself by splashing water down her cleavage cause it’s too cold to fully submerge. Kandi called it a “ho bath” instead of a “holy bath” and really since there were no spiritual beings in the vicinity she’s basically right. Then everyone hugs and returns to the States where NeNe can properly eviscerate Sheree for being a bad friend for knowing about the existence of the ‘water bug’ video but didn’t say anything to neither Kim nor NeNe. At least in Atlanta, NeNe doesn’t have to worry about being arrested by foreign authorities!
You know what’s really interesting: without Porsha and Kenya there, everyone got along! Actually I didn’t even miss Kenya at all on this trip. Did you?
TELL US – ARE YOU READY TO HAVE KENYA BACK? DID PORSHA DO THE RIGHT THING IN LEAVING THE TRIP? DID NENE HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE WITH TYRONE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]