Real Housewives Of Atlanta Reunion Part 1 Recap: Dried Bones

The first part of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta was pretty tame by comparison to what we’ve come to expect. I mean the only things that happened were a pregnancy announcement, blackmail revelation, and your mama jokes. Low-key, right?!

The most important thing about any reunion are obviously the outfits. Apparently if you are a Real Housewives Of Atlanta star the reunion is your equivalent of the Academy Awards. But all the stylists are busy and the only gowns left are the ones no one wants to wear.

What we really must discuss is Porsha Williams‘s crown. Umm… She’s elevated from Princess of THOTlandia (where one’s crowing achievement is twerking in hot pants) to Queen of Delusion. Although she claims to be the Goddess of Good Thoughts or something – good thoughts except when she’s calling Kandi Burruss “Victim Victoria,” Goddess Of Never Letting Go.

Has Porsha apologized to Kandi enough? Can she ever? Do we care? No, No, and NO!

Porsha is seated next to Cynthia Bailey, and between the two of them they have so much dress – and so much train – that they’re gonna need an underground railroad to transport all that material from the sofa. Kenya Moore, for the first time ever, is squashed on the end of the sofa, complaining that she’s in the shade not the light. But she wore yellow which is bright! Also since she’s on the shady side of the sofa, why not liberally deploy shade? Someone has to earn her place back in Andy’s good graces! Although why, if married life is so divine, bother?

NeNe Leakes looks like she added a full skirt to a figure skating costume, or perhaps since she is the “Elder Leakes” she’s competing in the senior Olympics and this is what geriatric figure skaters wear? Kandi always looks like Kandi, so nothing to see there folks! Also don’t talk about her mama or she will turn all those ropes holding up her boobs into some of lasso of destruction. Lamisha, wherever you are: look out. Kandi and Mama Joyce are coming for you, and Mama Joyce is waving a wedge-heeled sandal.

Finally Sheree Whitfield. She by She Has No Purpose has gone from being high FASH-SHUN, the arbiter of elegance and sophistication, to creating “joggers” which are “a lifestyle.” Clearly a depressed middle-aged divorce living beyond her means but keeping up with the Moores lifestyle… I’m sure they’ll be flying off the shelves like prison boos with access to an iPhone camera and a reality show!

Sheree’s new collection of joggers (aka sweatpants) can be expected in stores maaaaybe sometime in the fall – if Sheree returns next season, that is, but probably more than likely the only joggers will ever see are the ones Tyrone is wearing when he runs away with her Bravo checks. Aka, I predict another fashion show with no clothes. How dreadful!

Marlo Hampton looked like a Pomeranian. Or John Amos in a wig depending on who you ask.

Kandi

To take care of some housekeeping first (get a size-appropriate doormat cause #SIZEMATTERS), we have to discuss Porsha and Kandi’s never-ending dilemma. Porsha believes she’s taken ownership; Kandi thinks Porsha owes her her firstborn wig and second generation butt implants. But they’re at an impasse: Kandi will get no more apologies because Porsha doesn’t understand that apologizing for something is NOT the same as recognizing that what you did is wrong and feeling terrible that you did the wrong thing. Delusion is what makes a good Real Housewife which is why she’s here and why we should just let this issue lie. It was so last reunion ago!

So let’s discuss the elephant in the room – and I don’t mean NeNe’s ego or Sheree’s denial – I mean Kenya’s husband. Marc Daly has given me major pause, and also giving me pause is Kenya’s revelation that she is expecting a boy or girl later this year. Did anyone think there’s something fishy about this? I know she said on twitter that she doesn’t have a surrogate, but something just seemed odd about her announcement?

Actually everything about Kenya and Marc is bizarre. Like she’s NEVER met his parents?! She’s only spoken to them on the phone because they live far away. Um, pssst, Kenya: MARC lives far away. Also Marc trash-talked RHOA to Andy’s “colleagues” (who?), yet Kenya still tries to lie and deny until Andy straight up calls her out. We also heard Kenya, on tape, declaring that Marc doesn’t want anything to do with the show. He doesn’t approve of the way RHOA portrays black women. Which is hilarious considering that his WIFE is one of the biggest shit-stirring nut cases I’ve ever witnessed on Bravo. Krayonce was out in full-force last night as soon as Marlo entered the room, so I am truly curious about what the high fallutin’ holier than thou Mr. Daly thought of that messy performance!

Thankfully Kenya was also confronted about how much meddling she’s done in other people’s marriages, only to demand privacy when the ring is on her finger. At least she accepts that now being a wife she has a different opinion on the sanctity of marriage. So is Kenya gonna be apologizing to Phaedra Parks now????Kenya

It’s useless to ever try and get a straight answer out of Kenya, concerning anything. Like when Porsha asked her about why she never told Cynthia, one of Kenya’s so-called BFF’s on and off RHOA, about her marriage and Kenya claimed it’s because Cynthia “can’t hold water.” Even NeNe went to the mat for Cynthia to insist that she is excellent at keeping secrets when it matters. Cynthia is obviously a loyalist to a fault – a fault line opening up wide enough to create the Grand Canyon – she would definitely never betray her beloved Ms. Moore. I would’ve certainly betrayed Kenya after she rolled up the car window on my face and called me a “stupid whore,” but Cynthia still considers her a BFF and takes extreme affront to the idea that everyone is always manipulating her. I think Cynthia is the real doormat here!

Obviously Kenya contrived to keep her wedding and marriage off RHOA, thinking she could either play hardball in negotiations to get something out of the deal, or keep this part of her life on her terms like it didn’t exist, but like Andy said, when reality TV is your career, your reality is public consumption. Even when it’s reality that has nothing to do with real life! Also are Kenya and Marc finally planning to move in together now that they’re expecting?

Marlo

Marlo swished out looking like a purple toilet bowl cleaner and Kenya was ready for a fight so she read Marlo for the FILTH, then cleaned the bowl with her! Marlo started with Kenya for having messy skin, but Kenya finished with her revealing that Marlo once tried to blackmail NeNe’s “ex” John (“the pizza guy?!” gasped an incredulous Andy) by inviting him over, getting him drunk, and photographing salacious texts sent between him and NeNe. This was after NeNe was ‘remarried.’ In exchange John paid Marlo’s $20,000 Neiman’s bill.  But, Marlo’s not a hooker – she’s just has tricks up her skirt that can be purchased by the Square Reader Kenya wants installed between her legs. Does Neiman’s also sell these?

The weirdest part was NeNe’s impassive reaction! DID Marlo find some dirt on NeNE from Mr. Hot & Ready Pizza To Ho?

NeNe

Also strange was NeNe’s sudden forgiveness towards Porsha, as if they never had any issues whatsoever! Porsha was just a misguided soul, and as soon as she started sucking up to NeNe, their fight was buried and done. Sometimes Porsha has a lightbulb moment, and sometimes she has a crown over her head.

Porsha

The most ridiculous argument, however, was between Sheree and Porsha. Sheree is a sad state of affairs as always. Although I understand her point that no one was willing to interact with Porsha in the beginning of the season, but Sheree, needing that check for her basement renovation, played her friend, then Porsha turned around and told Shamea Morton not to trust her. Honestly, though, what does Sheree expect? She is the self-described bone carrier and the only person she’s loyal to is Kim Zolciak, of “Party City wig” fame!

Also, Porsha already apologized (off-camera) for hurting Sheree’s feelings. Instead of worrying about her fake friend Porsha’s opinions, Sheree needs to focus on getting a conjugal visit to her man cause Lie-rone was denied parole and will be in the clink-clink for another 3 – 4 years. I suppose that man cave, like Sheree’s cave, is gonna get mighty dusty waiting for him to occupy the premises. Which will probably be in foreclosure by the time he carries her through the threshold. 

Sheree

Truly there was no reason for Sheree to even be there. I mean, we’re done talking about YOU. The bone carrier buried all her bones in the dry, dusty backyard of Chateau Fools Gold until some dog named Lierone came and dug them up. Like NeNe said Sheree never lets anyone else into her yard, then she deflects by waving smaller bones in the other yappy dog’s faces. And Sheree certainly is a master of deflection – like dredging up the past from when she was Mrs. Bob Whitfield, and NeNe wasn’t “the It girl” – apparently NeNe was also stalking Tyrone. We’ll have to send Marlo over to the penitentiary to investigate…

Next week Kim joins the sofa and things go ALLLL the way left.

Report: Sheree Whitfield Fired (Again) From RHOA?

TELL US – IS THERE SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT KENYA’S MARRIAGE? IS CYNTHIA TRUSTWORTHY? 

[Photo Credit: Moses Robinson/Bravo]

 

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