Aaaahhh… Miami a town where boobs come out to support charity. And not just the kind of boobs stuffed in a bra. Some of those boobs go by the name Joe Francis.
Last night on Real Housewives of Miami there was a ton of T&A – meaning a lot of trashiness and a lot of asses. Poor Fembot Fakenstein got it into her pretty little head that she could upstage the mighty Lea Black, Miami's resident charity queen (maybe?), by hosting a lingerie party to support Susan G. Komen. I bet Susan is so proud.
So Fembot invited 800 of Lenny's boob goddesses, asked them to wear the stuff they normally wear to the supermarket and show up at her house, checks drawn and appetite for liquor, drama, and camera time at the ready. Actually I feel bad for Lisa, I think she really thought this would be a fun event and didn't get the memo that Bravo ruins everything. Better luck next time, toots!
Jeff begins by ruthlessly teasing Jenni about her breast size and asking if she's lactating. A shot gun wedding-not! Jenni knows he will only get worse until the wedding is over. The more irritated she gets, the more he needles her. Jenni tries to distract him by giving him his tasks for the wedding weekend. Jeff feels like she's become one of his clients.
We're taken back to four years ago when Jenni was married to her first husband Chris who also worked for Jeff. Zoila informed Jeff that Chris would lock himself in Jeff's office when Jeff was gone, so he installed cameras. Jeff discovered that Chris was going through his files and talking to other women. He was forced to tell Jenni what he'd learned and she was devastated. He feels responsible for her divorce, but he always knew she'd find a much better guy.
Draya Michele and Malaysia Pargo are meeting up to discuss…well, Jackie. It seems that she is the only topic anyone speaks about on this season! Draya reveals that she will never be on board with a Jackie friendship and she is certainly not going to her eighty-eighth wedding. Draya doesn't see Jackie's vow renewal at a gay club as a tribute to homosexuals. She sees it as a slap in the face as the gay community is forced to watch a straight couple get married knowing that gay couples don't have the same rights. Malaysia hadn't thought about it in those terms, and honestly, neither had I! BrookeBailey arrives dressed to the nines, and Malaysia tells the other women she really doesn't want to go to the wedding, and she feels like Jackie used her to get back into the group and then just dumped her. She plans to pull Jackie aside at the rehearsal (they've done this forty-seven times…do they really need a practice round?) to share her feelings. That should go over well!
Because Bravo knows a good thing when it sees it, last night we were treated to even more madness from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. While the season was supposed to be over after the reunion trilogy (The Hunger Games it was not), the network decided to milk a little bit more out of the women and the viewers. So it is without further ado, I present to you the lost footage from season four. It's actually very telling to see what ended up on the cutting room floor, and what's being revisited in light of the ongoing feud surrounding Teresa Giudice and everyone elseMelissa Gorga. Editing truly is magical!
Narrated by Andy Cohen, the episode takes us behind the scenes of what happened during the season and at the far-too-drawn-out reunion. Buckle up (if you haven't boycotted the show yet!), and enjoy the bumpy ride with Melissa, Teresa, Caroline Manzo, Jacqueline Laurita, and Kathy Wakile. It's truly a sight.
We begin with a lost cause…Andy is trying to convince Juicy Joe (once again) that homophobic slurs are offensive and nasty. Joe is all, Ahhwatdisagain? before turning into a brick wall of Who Cares. By the way, did you know that Joe went on a boat ride with seven guys and one of them was gay? He is not a homophobe. The comments he made about Gregg Bennett were meant to be funny, not mean. He's so sorry Greggy doesn't have a sense of humor! Jacqueline tells Andy that she thinks Joe speaks more out of ignorance than maliciousness. Fair enough.
Reality Tea is new to Big Rich Texas. Actually, so am I, so please be kind. There are way too many blondes and annoying voices to keep all of the characters straight. And they're all either holding or throwing wine glasses. Good thing the Hollywood Exes aren't the "Dallas Exes"… one little glass throwing incident sent those women into a tailspin. Their heads would explode over here.
Tuning in for the first time, I didn't know what to expect. I did not anticipate using "vagina" and "booger" in the recap title, that's for sure. Big Rich Texas sure knows how to keep it classy up in their fancy community. I also did not expect… I freaking love this show… in a trashy reality TV/guilty pleasure sort of way. Thank you, Reality Tea readers, for being so vocal about this hidden gem. My life will never be the same. Coincidentally, neither will my liver, because I have a feeling the Big Rich Texas shenanigans are much more fun to watch when paired with a glass of wine or a flask of vodka. Let's get this party started, shall we?
For season three we have Bonnie Blossman, Leslie Birkland, Melissa Poe, Connie Dieb, DeAynni Hatley, and newcomer Cindy Davis. And, of course, their lovely daughters and borrowed pageant girl. Already this season, the ladies have had a botox party, where Melissa and Leslie fought, a casino party, where Melissa and Leslie fought, and a crab boil, where DeAynni slapped her daughter Shaye Hatley. Apparently, it's not the first time this has happened, either. Also, worth mentioning, Bonnie's daughter Whitney Whatley moved in with her boyfriend Booger and Leslie's been bragging about her never-before-seen billionaire boyfriend Kip.
Episode three starts with Leslie's borrowed pageant girl Kalyn Braun lounging by the pool with Tyler and new-on-the-scene Terry. Terry is a jockey at the ranch where Kalyn dresses like a Texan hooker to shovel horse poop. Maddie obsessively plays with her hair and makes fun of Kalyn's new occupation. Why anyone would leave a cupcake shop for a ranch is beyond me. On the couch, Kalyn says there's one big perk to scooping poop, "On my days off, I get to bring the hot boys to the country club. Job with benefits."
Last night on Real Housewives of Miami, drama was as plentiful as the uneaten food. Joanna Krupa may or may not have caught her fiancé in the throes of a passionate affair. And Adriana de Moura may or may not have accused Karent Sierra of being a desperate delusional famewhore to her face. Oh – and best of all Mama Elsa my or may not have threatened to beat a drag queen's ass. Yep, never a dull moment in the Sunshine State!
Things begin at Alexia Echevarria's party. Karent has come guns blazing after Joanna slipped and told her Adriana was planning to confront her about famewhoring. Karent is like I'll worry about that after photos! CHEESE. That girl was in her Mecca all over the step n repeat!
Inside the party the awkwardness is palpable right away and Adriana is following Karent with narrowed eyes just waiting to strike. Karent is also acting like nothing weird has ever happened with Ana Quincoces and Rodolfo as she keeps trying to yank her in for more photos. Girl – how many photos do you need?
Sweet relief! A certain network realized this week that two hour long episodes of the Jersey Shore weren't holding our attention. Thank you, MTV! Do you know what I realized? It's fun to watch the intro that features the gang circa season one given the amount of plastic surgery the girls have had. I almost don't recognize Jenni "J-Woww" Farley when she talks about ripping guys' heads off after sex! Of course, DJ Pauly Delvecchio looks exactly the same.
Last night begins at the tail-end of the Bamboo brawl. Andre 3000's twin is dressed as "Where's Waldo" and his entire purpose seems to be holding back an overly aggressive Vinny Guadagnino. Roger is scrapping with bouncers and pushes Jenni aside. She quickly throws a drink in his face in an effort to get him to chill. Ronnie Magro-Ortiz is the voice of reason. We all know that's never a good sign! The gang vacates Bamboo, with Roger storming ahead, not listening to anyone who tries to reason with him.
Jenni is wearing some God awful hot pink platform heels, and she seems to be limping. Roger yells at her about getting involved in the fight while his friend tries to calm him. Jenni tries to placate Roger, telling him she knows he didn't recognize her, and she's not mad at him for throwing her down because he clearly didn't mean to do it. His reply? "I knew it was you, and you deserved it." Oh alcohol, bringing couples together for centuries! Jenni and Deana Cortese head back to the house, and Deena is devastated by Roger's behavior. Back at the house, Jenni is worried that she has a broken ankle. Ronnie calls Roger to make sure he's okay and not sitting in jail, and Roger starts yelling about Jenni controlling him and playing the victim.
Last night's Flipping Out showed a break down in the relationship between Jeff Lewis and Zoila Chavez, and they head to therapy after some tense fighting. Jenni Pulos and Gage Edward are very secondary on the episode, with Andrew barely making an appearance. He's certainly toned it down, hasn't he?
Jeff sees Lupe as a long term employee, and he wants her to come on full time to help Zoila. He has Zoila translating for Lupe since Lupe speaks very little English and Jeff knows zero Spanish. He admits that he probably should have found another translator because as far as he knows, Zoila could be telling Lupe to hand over half of her salary. Zoila will be Lupe's manager, a title she clearly loves, but Jeff still needs to stir the pot and encourage some friendly competition between the two maids. Gage unveils a portrait of Lupe (seriously? I have got to work for this man.), and you can see how threatened Zoila is.
We learn that Jenni lives across the street from Jeff's brother Todd and his wife. Todd has become such good friends with Jenni's fiance that he will be planning the bachelor party. He and Jeff tease Jenni about strip clubs and hookers. Jenni is a tad worried about the party where Todd is concerned, but she really doesn't listen to Jeff…it's not like he knows what goes on at bachelor parties! Jeff, Jenni, and Vanina are meeting with Extra producer Lisa to pick out tile and back splashes for her home. They are not having much luck finding something that Lisa likes. When they finally do, Jenni raps to celebrate. On the way home, Jeff chides Jenni about her pre-marital counseling. Jenni reveals that the priest thinks she interrupts too much, and Jeff is thrilled that someone else has finally noticed.