So where do we begin with this mess of a show that is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? It was just a blur of white noise. Splits Richards decided there hadn't been enough drama as of late so she decided to host her annual White Party. I mean screw P Diddy and Cannes, this is THE event of the season. Bust out your white swim suit cover-ups, get ready to twirl your hair round your head like a helicopter (one of these days Kyle is going to take off!), and then go threaten to sue your friends! Open bar on the left.
In other happenings,Kim Richards got a nose job. I mean, what else has she got to do? Kim's nose job – not big news in the real BH, I imagine, but in the RHOBH it's cause for celebration. And why not? Kim has never entertained anyone not even us on this show so perhaps it's time for her to do some party hosting. Isn't that what these broads do with their spare time when they're not hiring lawyers because their girlfriends talk shit about them?
So anyway, Kim's having a re-done nose party (I hope she got a ton of cards that said: 'Congratulations on your re-done nose!'). She has this sweet little coffee bar set up and she's rocking a Mrs. Roper mumu as she swans around the pool. It was all very seventies. I've noticed a lot of what Splits and Kim do is circa seventies (hello… THE White Party, y'all!).
Speaking of Splits, she shows up towing along two adorable little girls and one orangey blob in a scarecrow wig. Yeah, Faye Resnick was there, but by the blessed gods of Bravo she barely spoke and stayed mainly off camera. Perhaps they wanted to keep the party focused on decent plastic surgery.
Let's get started with the stupidity, shall we? Chelsea's friend comes by to visit, and Chelsea whines that her IUD fell out the other day when she was going to the bathroom. TMI. Her friend inquires as to whether Chelsea saw her doctor, but Chelsea didn't have time…Adam came over to see her for the first time in ages. Not shockingly, they pair ends up getting it on…sans condom, of course. Don't worry, y'all. She won't get pregnant because he pulled out before finishing. TMITMITMITMI!!!! I wonder how she thinks Aubree came to be…Her friend urges her to make better choices, and Chelsea whines that she doesn't have her normal "giddy for Adam" feelings. That's definitely something to be proud of as you await your period, moron!
At least Kailyn is making better choices, right? Oh wait…no. She gets upset that Jo's girlfriend is over at his house when she drops off Isaac, and she and Jo get into a physical altercation that ends with her filing for a temporary order of protection from abuse. Violence is not the answer, but I will never understand her double standard of allowing Javi around Isaac after one date while Jo's serious girlfriend is a problem. Kailyn's friend Mark (who is totally in love with her) comes over to hear her story. Mark tries to give her some sound advice, but she won't listen. I can't believe the language she uses in front of her son. Kailyn explains that she'll have temporary full custody until their hearing in two weeks. Mark just seems totally befuddled at his friend's behavior.
Love & Hip Hop returned last night with a vengeance. Apparently the cast had a lot of fights to make up for after being off the air for a week. Almost every story line incorporated a screaming match, if not a physical altercation. Keeping it classy as always, VH1!
The episode begins as Erica Mena and Rich Dollaz are celebrating her success in the recording studio. She is ready to start on the video, and Rich teases her for being demanding. He wants the pair to sign a contract. Rich isn't going to ask for any favors just because Erica is his girlfriend. She wants to be cautious with her career.
Lore'l is working on her music, and Winter Amos comes to see her at the studio. Winter wants to help her friend reach her potential. She wants to know why Lore'l hasn't already become the next big thing. Lore'l has broken Business 101, and she's being managed by one of her good friends. Winter thinks this is a huge issue, and she plants the seed in Lore'l's head to look for better management.
The short recap: Lilly annoys. Asa mouths wow and Mike smiles pretty. Mean girls Asa and Reza attack GG and MJ. Asa mouths wow and Mike smiles pretty. Reza pouts when he doesn't get enough attention. Asa mouths wow and Mike smiles pretty. I pretend Lilly's hair and boobs form an alliance to take down Asa and Reza.
Last night's episode of Mob Wives was very difficult to watch. I recapped with a lump in my throat, but it was amazing to see the people of Staten Island come together and help one another. Instead of brawling and screaming, Karen Gravano, Ramona Rizzo, Big Ang, and Drita D'avanzo collected donations and cooked meals for shelters. Renee Graziano completed rehab and had a break through moment with son AJ. It was the "realest" reality I've seen from a VH1 show ever.
The footage of the wreckage after Sandy is devastating, and the women are reacting to the carnage. The community is pulling together to help their neighbors. A tearful Drita is talking to her daughters while collecting items to donate. It is heartbreaking to see actual reality happening on reality television. Ramona and Karen are going to help their friend whose home was damaged. Ramona realizes how fortunate she is that her house escaped any damage.
Carla goes to check on Ang who is cooking up a storm for Sandy victims. Both Carla and Ang can't believe the destruction that Sandy brought to Staten Island. Both of their homes are okay, but they share stories of friends and relatives who lost everything. Ang reveals that she lost her new salon in the storm, but she doesn't care after seeing how lucky she was compared to others. She's heading up a donation drop-off at the Drunken Monkey. Ang explains that there are so many people willing to help that she had to find a school bus to house all of the items.
Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta the ladies ventured into unseen territory. It was truly a trip to OZ. There were sparkling pageant lights and shimmering runways, food that looked like vaginas and not food, beautiful music, and one Wicked Witch from the West stealing The Good Witch's crown and being sweet as a mid-summer Georgia peach. What was this strange world of successes and peace? Better watch out ladies, a twirl is a'comin and it might just drop a mansion right on your heads. And your little dogs too…
Things begin at The Bailey Agency. Cynthia Bailey is whirling around putting up flyers about the Miss Renaissance pageant. It's happening like now! And who should waltz through the door but a giant bottle of ketchup and mustard! Oh no, just Kenya Moore being sweet and kind and wearing a strange combination of red and yellow (or my TV is colorblind). I guess it was summery…
Kenya has her little dog with her and also a little model who has big dreams of Vogue covers and barely covers her butt crack in skintight zebra pants and a crop top. Kenya is mentoring this poor girl. I'm guessing she got the come-to-Jesus lecture about coochie cracks, which is why she wore that…
Immediately following the cupcake drama on Big Rich Atlanta, Ashlee appears to be completely composed, as she straightens her hair in a mirror and demands Kahdijiha Rowe be thrown in jail. However, as soon as the ambulance arrives, Ashlee looks like hell. A distraught Ashlee tells a police officer she's pressing charges and demands a full police investigation.
In response to Kahdijiha's actions, Ashlee says, "Express yourself with your words, not your hands." Does she honestly not realize that words can be just as hurtful as hands? Ashlee is a bully – she uses her words to humiliate and hurt her victims to make herself feel superior and powerful – end of story.
It's another day, another boy dance drama in the world of Dance Moms. On last night's episode, Abby Lee Miller seems to totally lose her cool, but not before she can be a major bee-atch to her sweet dancers. Lifetime is sinking to an all new low!
After their surprise victory, the moms and daughters are back in the studio. Of course, Christi and Chloe are nowhere to be found after storming out after the last competition. The girls are happy to have won, but Abby isn't happy that they only beat the Candy Apples by a tenth of a point. Can't they do better than that? Abby decides to buck convention and start at the top of the pyramid. Kendall's friends almost seem more excited that she does to learn it's her first time in the best spot. Jill is thrilled, and Abby warns her that Christi isn't going to like that Kendall beat national title holder Chloe. Oh, give it a rest. The middle tier is comprised of Maddie and Nia. According to Abby, they were good, but not great. The bottom rung is Paige, MacKenzie, and a suspended Chloe. Kelly is happy to learn that due to Chloe's indefinite suspension, Brooke has regained her spot on the team.
Abby warns the group that the Candy Apples will also be at this week's competition in Detroit. Jill can't believe her luck. Her daughter finally gets to be on the top of the pyramid, and now she'll be under added pressure to beat Cathy's crew. Everyone will be participating in the group dance, and Kendall gets a solo. Paige and Nia will perform a duet. Maddie gets the final solo, but Abby tells her not to be too excited because there is really no one else to compete against Cathy's boys. How sweet of her…