Adriana de Moura is just so sick of vintage. I mean vintage boats, vintage cars, vintage marriage licenses, vintage friendships with Lea Black. All that old crap is just boring her and she's tired of it. It so doesn't count if it's old and decrepit right?! Too bad Frederic doesn't agree. So that's the season premiere of Real Housewives of Miami; Adriana and Lea aren't friends anymore, everyone is wondering why the hell Adriana is getting married if she's already married, and no one is telling the truth.
Let's dive in! Nautical reference intended. Things kick off withJoanna Krupa pretending she's classy and all that by hopping off a private jet into Lea's awaiting town car. Apparently they became best friends in the off-season. I'm gonna venture to guess Roy (Lea's hubs) predicted Joanna was gonna lose it one of these times and need a good defense attorney. We also know Lea loves the crazy. So anyway, they're friends and Lea and Adriana are NOT!
Lea is hurt that Adriana has been lying about her marital status for years and not only that when Lea was getting her very elderly and hard working a$$ unduly handed to her by Ana Quincoces at last season's reunion, Adriana sat there and said nothing in her defense. Lea cries and Joanna pats her knee affectionately cause she hates Adriana too!
Alright let's dive into this whole Real Housewives of Orange County reunion thing! We've got Memory Lapse Monday happening here because Tamra Barney is confusing this season's storyline with one from two years ago. Did her shock therapy malfunction? Yeppers, Gretchen Rossi is back in the hotseat for cheating on her deceased fiancé Jeff with another man. Nevermind that NO ONE CARES CAUSE WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS FOR FOUR YEARS, we're rehashing it aaaagain.
So with that out of the way let's talk outfits. Gretchen is clearly bringing her little portable Barbie closet she had from childhood to the designer for Alexis Couture and asking for direct reproductions. All of her little girl dreams of sparkles, flounces, and seafoam fantasies are being brought to life. Seriously Gretchen is reliving my youth with that aquamarine number. I especially loved how she matched the side-weave to the one-sleeve.
Heather Dubrow's hair needs a deep conditioner and a good cut. Even though I'm sure Princess Champs On Ice probably pays $300 for a haircut, it looks like Gretchen played Barbies with Heather's head. Since Heather is the brown-hair Barbie friend Gretchen practiced "beauty school" with her locks. Result: fail.
It's so haa-arrr-arrd to say good-bye to Stevie Jaaaaaaayyyyeeeeeee! Last night's final installment of the Love & Hip Hop Atlanta reunion was bittersweet. On one hand, it's been an emotional roller coaster of a season, and this girl is drained, but on the other, speaking like Lil' Scrappy in the off-season tends to draw some strange looks in my place of biz-nigh-ee.
We'll jump right back into where Mona Scott Young left us…with Rasheeda and Kirk Frost's dysfunctional marriage. The audience is stunned to re-watch Kirk suggest his wife get an abortion, and he says–with a straight face, no less!–that pulling out was a legitimate form of birth control. What, is he sixteen? Mona scolds Kirk when he laughs over the footage of his affair, and he again relays to Mona that he believes Rasheeda gave him a free pass. Mimi Faust is all "oh no he didn't" from the sofas, and Drew knows better than do anything but nod in agreement to Mimi's outcry since he's sitting between her and Traci Reece.
What do you call Kody Brown making eighteen thousand walk-throughs of his new cul-de-sac compound? Why last night's episode of Sister Wives of course! Janelle, Christine, and Robyn are all set to move in, but poor Meri just can't seem to catch a break with the loan underwriters. Shucks!
It's another walk through, and the homes are finally landscaped. Christine gushes about her new kitchen, and Robyn teases that it sounds like Christine is describing the love of her life when waxing poetic about her appliances. Sounds about right. I'd prefer granite countertops to a flaxen haired polygamist wearing head-to-toe denim. Christine is stressing about packing, and apparently she thinks her children will be motivated by copious amounts of baby talk.
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was about reinventing the old and making it new again. Make new frienemies, but keep the old… one is faux marble and the other is faux leopard!
Teresa Giudice and Jacqueline Laurita made up and by that I mean they vowed not to appear at anymore reunions wearing dresses where the sequins turned into poison darts and and scream cheating accusations at each other's husbands. So by making amends they decided to keep each other's secrets…
Oh and Jacqueline shed her old stripper skin in favor of some new skin that didn't have washed up tacky tattoos on it. When did getting plastic surgery become a requisite Housewives storyline?
Things begin with Teresa and Jacqueline continuing with their "tawk". Jacqueline is clearly flustered because she forgot her translucent powder and her blotting papers. Girl was shiny as a gold lame and her hair was all mussed. Maybe she and Teresa had some sort of knock-down, drag-out, rolling on the table brawl and the footage was accidentally damaged when some Fabellini got tossed on it and that's why we didn't see it? That would explain Jacq's shininess…
Last night's Dance Momssaw Abby Lee Miller's Broadway Baby return from the dead. It was frightening. Even more frightening? Kelly creepily lurking in the auditorium during this week's competition. That's right…the season (which has been going on for years now, right?) doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon!
Abby is still basking in her victory over Kathy and her Candy Apples. She calls the group routine amazing and praises Payton's desire to be part of the team. Abby spouts on and on about how even the Supremes and the Beatles had to replace members at some point…which brings her to the bottom of the pyramid. It's no shock that Brooke and Paige at the bottom. They are followed by Payton for her smart mouth during the competition. Leslie snaps that Abby needs to call Payton by her name, and not get her confused with Kendall or Brooke. Abby quips that she's happy to call Payton "replaceable." Asia and MacKenzie round out the bottom level, and Abby is proud of their performance in the group number. Kristie 2.0 is livid that MacKenzie is one spot higher than Asia.
Chloe is the bottom of the second tier, and Abby basically tells her that them's the breaks…she did a good job, but whatevs. Maddie is next on the pyramid because Abby is concerned that if she keeps winning all the time, she'll lose her hunger. Abby is also getting tired of seeing the same faraway and melancholy facial expressions from Maddie each week. Kendall is in the second spot because of her mom's gumption when standing up to Kathy and her crazy apple moms. Can it be? Dare I hope? YES! Nia is finally at the top of the pyramid! Abby reveals that Nia gained the coveted spot because she was the only dancer who asked Abby how she could improve after the competition. She is over the mood.
What can we say about last night's season finale of Real Housewives of Orange County except those ladies need to re-evaluate their choices in men! Dang girls… Dr. V needs to get in there and do a summit on low self-esteem and co-dependent entanglements. I mean, that was a m.e.s.s. And not a fun one!
We're all back in the fabricated winter wonderland ofVicki Gunvalson's back yard. Despite the warm California breeze, glitterfied snow is everywhere. Suddenly the air turns icy… Gretchen Rossi has arrived. On her arm, an abominable faux man – Slave Smiley. While Gretchen pageant glides, in smiling engagingly at the Styrofoam penguin statues and paper mache snowmen, the other ladies are gorging themselves on a 'We hate Gretchen' buffet of snide comments and frosty complaints.
Poor Gretchen, the wool was pulled over her eyes because she had no idea the entertainment for the evening was pelting her with verbal snowballs and stealing her mittens.
And meanwhile, some other backstabbing was taking place at the party! See Vicki has a son-in-law FROM HELL and he was melting all the cute little decorations with his vendetta of mean. There he was shuffling around the party, drink in hand, complaining about Vicki, hinting at all the dirt he has on Brooks, and boasting that he basically controls Vicki's house by refusing to let Brooks in. Good lord! Shut. Up. Was Ryan auditioning for RHOC to replace Tamra Barney as next season's villain?
Y'all, I know you were as excited as I was to see the insanity unfold on last night's Love & Hip Hop Reunion. Mona Scott-Young is moving up in the hosting world and now has her own reunion band. Touting the season as a Hip HOpera (why didn't I think of that??), she breaks down the drama from the past season before introducing the cast. It's like a technicolor explosion. Between K. Michelle's hair, Ariane's blue lipstick (yes, blue), Erica Dixon's eye make-up, and Mimi Faust's orange dress, I feel like I just woke up in Oz. Kirk Frost gets booed, which he laughs off, because, hey, even he knows what a d-bag he is! He is dressed like an extra on Miami Vice, by the way.
Mona is no idiot, so she immediately pits Joseline Hernandez against Mimi, and the requisite derogatory name-calling, cussing, and hopping off the sofa ensues. Stevie J. stands up proudly, basking in the two women fighting over him. Mimi assures him that he's sorely mistaken, right before dodging Joseline's stiletto. We're off to a running start, I'd say. We are treated to a highlight reel of all the frenemy feuds. Ariane is the only sane one of the group.
After bringing up the status of Mimi and K. Michelle's friendship, Mimi rolls her eyes and tells Mona to ask K. K. then compliments Mimi on her orange dress (it is pretty), and you could cut the tension with a knife. Apparently Ariane's bridge building lessons weren't well received. Speaking of failed peacemakers, Traci tries to share her intentions to get Erica and Shay speak about their issues. Erica wonders if this is season two, not a rerun of season one, while Shay reminds Erica that she still isn't married to Lil' Scrappy.