Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives Of New York. We met new Housewife Jules Wainstein. The original B of Bravo, Bethenny Frankel, also returned, and whew, was she some kinda mouthy! Bethenny apparently sees herself as the reverse fortune teller of RHONY; she won’t tell you your hopeful future, but with condescending judgement she will point out everything that’s wrong with you, your life, your past, and your overall way of being.
Bethenny is also the ‘Party Police’ this season – obviously replacing the woman she once loved to hate, Heather Thomson, who gathered her big-girl shaping panties and fled this Skinnygirl bar.
Things begin in Bethenny’s new apartment. Hurrah – she’s no longer homeless! The new place is nice, but in that blandly generic HGTV design show sort of way. Dorinda Medley visits to gawk over Bethenny’s Traum Safe, as if it’s something Dorinda couldn’t afford to install in her own pad. Bethenny and Dorinda have become close, but there is one major issue: Bethenny doesn’t approve of John. Like at all.
On the heels of last week’s bar fight, Christy McGinity Gibel and Terra Jole have nowhere to go…but to the tabloids? The ladies of Little Women: LA sure know how to celebrate good news! After Briana Reneedropped the bomb announced that she’s having Matt’s baby, all hell broke loose between Terra and Christy over Christy’s perceived lies and backstabbing.
We pick up right where we left off: with glasses and accusations flying. Christy is crying in the corner, claiming she’s been injured. Briana tries valiantly to comfort her – with napkins. But dreams of juicy settlements are already dancing in Christy’s head. Jasmine Sorgeand Tonya Banks are just trying to sort out what just went down. Jasmine doesn’t quite believe the public throwdown that just occurred. She counts herself lucky that it didn’t happen on her watch in Mexico. But Elena Gant, pregnant with twins – and strangely cool as a cucumber right now – defends Christy as just wanting to get back in Briana’s good graces. Thus, why she hasn’t been #TeamTerrable lately.
Last night, the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills wrapped up their trip to Dubai and Lisa Rinna had an epiphany: she’s not gonna become the collateral damage of two narcissists with queen complexes, also known as Lisa Vanderpump and Yolanda Foster. Lipsa has diagnosed and labeled them as “hating each other” (medical name haterificaious bitcheria). There we have it – Lipsa has solved the mystery of whodunnit with the Munchausen in the Kyle Konservatory with the ulterior motive.
Our first clue that nothing is going well – the ladies can’t manage to enjoy 5-star shopping without bitching. Just buy shoes and shhhhhh! In a mall that engulfs the Mall Of America, then spits it out, chewed up and mangled, onto its ice rink, the 5-story mall of Dubai chauffeurs them around from luxury store to luxury store in Bentley golf carts. There goes LVP‘s cardio!
Lipsa wore her walking sneakers, unnecessarily. She had to put them to good use though, because – ugh, comfort shoes! – so she decided to walk all over the friendship of LVP!
On last night’s Dance Moms, Christ-y returns! Ashlee wanders into the viewing room to a find a new mother. Christy explains that she’s not exactly “new,” since Abby Lee Miller has been training her daughter Sarah for ages. Ashlee looks a bit deflated and admits that while her daughter has been working hard to make the team, she’s not very popular with the moms. Christy understands…and agrees with Ashlee’s detractors. Abby needs to keep to girls she’s been training since they could walk, and she warns that Brynn’s ALDC jacket can easily be taken away from her. It’s extremely rich when Melissa enters and hugs Christy, thanking her for her support and text messages. Could this be more fake? When Jill and Holly welcome Christ-y with open arms, I know it must be a sign of the apocalypse. They all used to hate this woman. Ashlee is basically Christ-y 2.0! At least Jessalyn remembers how horrible she was.
At pyramid, Abby praises the girls’ David Bowieroutine. The bottom row is comprised of Kalani (she’s absent for her great-grandfather’s funeral), MacKenzie (sloppy feet), and JoJo (good job in the group number, there’s no real reason why she was arbitrarily placed on the lowest rung). Kendall follows on the second tier for making it through a morning without a meltdown, and Maddie is shockingly in the third spot for her silly string aim. Nia is in second for a great performance in the group number, and Brynn takes the top spot for her solo win.
On last night’s episode of Teen Mom 2, the peace between Kailyn Lowry and Jo Rivera fell apart. After months of getting along, the two got in a heated argument, recorded on Kail’s phone. Unfortunately, Isaac witnesses the whole thing. Chelsea Houska reaches another breaking point with Adam Lind when she sees an inappropriate picture of Aubree on his Instagram. Jenelle Evans has a new family complete with a girl Jace’s age who looks just old enough to feed Kaiser. AndLeah Messer finally gets the news about the girls’ custody.
Chelsea considers stuffing a few puppies in her ridiculous over-sized lumberjack hat, but posts a few selfies on Instagram instead, where she finds Adam has posted a picture of Aubree in the bathtub. Chelsea is livid. She and her friend agree that the picture is inappropriate and a violation of Aubree’s privacy. Hasn’t she lost enough of that already in the past six years? Chelsea texts Adam asking him to take down the picture and he predictably responds in the negative.
On part 3 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion, James Kennedy gave out “ass holes” galore. Most of them deserved. Although James calling anyone an asshole is the very definition of “irony” – look it up in the Bravo Dictionary! Far from being The White Kanye West, James is more accurately the less stupidly-haired Donald Trump.
Alas, before James opens his can of asshole with the index finger of doom, Stassi Schroeder argues with Lisa Vanderpump about her sex tape. Did we ever figure out why the hell Stassi Does Dildos is only worth $900? Honestly I would expect it to be more like $9.99 clearance, but I mean, whatever whets your whistle! Stassi accuses Lisa of asking her parents to repay the money, and is furious Lisa didn’t demand Stassi’s”ex-boyfriend” sign a contract after getting paid, nor did LVP get the footage back. Exactly what was Stassi doing while Lisa was combing the slums of Beverly Hills like an Archer episode to recon a sex tape absolutely no one butScheana Marie wanted to watch?
No one cares about Stassi and her sex tape, (except for Kristen Doute, who keeps trying to interrupt until Lisa instructs her to “shut up”).
Finally! Dear readers, our patience has paid off and last night we were rewarded with the start of the new season of Southern Charm. It was as if Christmas, my Pearl Harbor birthday, and my day job holiday bonus all came at the same time, except it’s not December, it’s April–and spring has sprung in a major way! It’s all there: Cameran Eubank’s hilarious one-liners, Shepard “Shep” Rose’s charming frat-tastic world views, Thomas Ravenel’s black-eye, Kathryn Dennis’ eyerolls (complete with false lashes and snark), Cooper Ray’s attempts at peace-keeping, Landon Clements’ transition from background sidekick to major player, Craig Conover’s return to the Holy City, Patricia Altshul’s gorgeous caftans (son Whitney Sudler-Smith was there, too). It was all perfect. Did I mention I got to watch it all at a wonderful premiere party at JD’s Sermets hosted by Cordially Cooper? Pinch me.
So that dinner party, right? Bravo has perfected the art of the hook with a minute-long tease of the finale. Move over, Camille Grammer, your Dinner Party from Hell has been replaced…tenfold. As we view the entire cast imploding over a meal at T-Rav’s downtown compound (did Thomas just remove Cameran from the premises? Are Shep and T-Rav going to come to blows?), we’re hit with the news that the start of the third season of Southern Charm is going to rewind three months to regale us with the build-up to the epic moment. Damn you, Bravo.
First, NeNe Leakes waltzes out wearing what can only be described a costume from the adult-entertainment version of Frozen. I mean, it was the ice queen cometh, although there is nothing icy about NeNe who can neither keep her comments nor her anger to herself.
NeNe came back to defend her turf, since she owns this show and couldn’t leave her “baby” to a group of teenagers who can’t do CPR. Andy Cohen seems to support this idea, even ifKandi Burruss is making the stank face to end all stank faces. Speaking of babies, Kandi has to leave to go pump – and the women all gasp over how phenomenal she looks post-baby (she does!).