Finally. Last night was the season finale of Don’t Be Tardy, so we had to bid farewell to chef Tracy. Don’t cry. It’s Bravo. She’ll be back. They’ll all be back. That said, if Brielle gets a job at E! News, I officially give up…on everything. Plus, I have a big birthday coming up, and every time I watch this show and remember that Kim Zolciak Biermannclaims to be is a few years younger than I am, I want drown my sorrows in some of her sparkling raspberry moscato. If you’ve had it, you know how badly this realization is for me.
The episode begins with KJ and Kroy building a kite. Kroy is heading off to camp with the Falcons which makes KJ the f$%#&* head of the household. KJ has it covered. He plans to chain Brielle in her room for at least a week. Smart kid. Meanwhile, Brielle and Slade are debating how much a ton weighs, and Kim and Kroy are taking the couple to Kim’s favorite psychic, Rose, so they can figure out the future of their relationship. Kim loves the psychic so much, Kaia’s middle name is Rose. Rose predicts that Brielle will have three kids, a wonderful husband and good fortune…and it’s starting next year. Rose reads Slade’s palm and also sees a marriage within a year. Slade jokes that it will be a really tiny ring then.
We did it! We made it to the bitter end of a season which can best be described in one word: Mattgate. To tie a bow on the whole package, we must tirelessly slog through Part Two of this season’s Little Women: LA reunion, however. And how could we do that without focusing on the man, the myth, the legend – Briana Manson’s newest husband, Matt himself?
In Part One of the reunion, we ended with the dramatic entrance of Makayla, the woman who Matt sent photos of his nether-regions to while he was in a relationship with Briana. Whether Matt and Briana were on a break when the photos were sent, or whether the photos actually caused the break has yet to be clarified. (And if Briana has it her way, it will likely never be clarified, as she’s talked out of both sides of her mouth on this issue for some time now.)
“Take a picture, trick, I’m on a boat, b*tch; we drinking Santana champ, ’cause it’s so crisp. I got my swim trunks, and my flippie-floppies; I’m flippin’ burgers, you at Kinko’s straight flippin’ copies.” This Lonely Island song is perfection. No seriously, take a picture. Take one million pictures…and post them all on Instagram! And those copies of which you sing, are they perhaps copies of friendship contracts? Last night’s Below Deck epitomized Bravo’s love of a crossover. Forget the Bailey Agency and wild rice, Real Housewives of Atlanta’sCynthia Bailey was all about the Eros!
After the fire that ended Eyebrows McEgo’s reign in the Eros kitchen, chef Leon Walker is out, and Ben Robinson is back in the galley…and in the opening credits! As the crew gets ready for their latest charter, Ben gets all judgy about Leon’s science experiment he called a refrigerator. Connie Arias is all googly-eyed over Ben, but he’s too busy throwing away rotting vegetable to notice. On deck, Eddie Lucas is thrilled to see Dave from season one, and he’s just as adorable as I remember. He’s saving up for his wedding to his equally precious boyfriend, and Captain Lee Rosbach can’t hide his glee at the new addition. Dave is introduced to Kate Chastain, Amy Johnson, Emile, Koutze, and Rocky “Raquel” Dakota Bartlow. Someone quick tell her he’s gay before she tries to make him her next victim!
Last night was the premiere of Vanderpump Rules. I love this show! I love Tom 1 and Tom 2 on their rollerskates, reenacting Boogie Nights Returns: The Wind In My Perm: A Post-Porn Love Story To Decades Of Duos. I love that Scheana Marie Famewhore is now selling Sir Hubs A Lot up ish creek because all the spotlights in all the world need to be focused on her Madonna-adled fantasies (And Scheana ain’t no virgin – just ask Brandi Glanville!) And I love Kristen Doute being the new Stassi Schroeder; stomping around the outskirts of SUR, screaming about how mature she is now that she’s done with this waitressing thingie. T-shirt Lines are the new Statement Necklaces!
So let’s recap this bitch!
First things first, Jax Taylor is a plastic surgery addict, which means he’s gonna end up on Botched trying to undo his Bieber recreation makeover. Jax had had his THIRD nose job – this one to remove minuscule lumps that were a blight to his once perfect profile. He’s also got a nasty 6″ Frankenstein scar running down his forehead. Was he actually undergoing a lobotomy to forget his past as the premiere male supermodel and living incarnate of Zoolander?
Tensions are rising this week as the Ladies of London bring us plenty of cattiness in castles as they wrap up their trip to Baroness Caroline Fleming’s home in Denmark! Since Annabelle Neilson’s “therapy session” at dinner, in which she told a handful of the ladies what their individual problems are, the group has rallied. They’re packing up from their stay in Copenhagen to travel to Caroline F’s family estate, er, castle. Caroline Stanbury and her makeup-artist-permanent-sidekick, Luke, are catching up the morning after dinner. Caroline tells him all about Annabelle’s Copenhagen Confessions, which she can’t take seriously. She feels Annabelle has a constant dour outlook, but vows to make the best of things for the sake of the trip.
En route to the castle, Julie Montagu, Marissa Hermer, Caroline F, and Caroline S sit together to dish about Annabelle. Julie, once Annabelle’s closest ally, suddenly feels as if she can’t do anything to please her. Caroline S doesn’t want to spend the weekend being told the rules according to Annabelle, and encourages Julie to stand up for herself too. Huh. Ironic, considering it was only weeks (days?) ago that Annabelle was giving Julie the same advice about Caroline. While they rag on Annabelle, she can hear their chatter the entire time. She is sitting only inches from them on this “posh” van, after all. Like in the game of Survivor, alliances are shifting.
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood begins with Amber on her mission to get dirt on Miles, storming into Milan’s studio’s session. He hasn’t spoken to Miles in weeks, save a few texts, and he’s ready to confront Amber about her relationship with Miles…as she wants to do regarding his. Milan breaks the news that the pair have been dating for two years. Amber is floored. Two years? She admits that she’s hurt and upset, and he reveals that he’s been urging Miles to be honest for ages. Milan shares that Miles claims Amber is a friend who can’t distance himself from his clingy pal. He’s even been fronting Miles the money he’s lent to Amber. This news is an extra blow, and Milan can’t help but feel sorry for her. She counters that had Miles been honest, she would have been friends with both of them…as a couple. The one time adversaries end the conversation with a hug.
Omarion and Willie are shooting hoops and talking music. Willie requests Omarion’s guidance with the independent label contract he’s trying to skirt. Omarion can sympathize, but it’s a rite of passage that can lead to great success. Willie needs to hustle in any way possible to reach his goals. Willie understands, but he’s worried he’ll lose Shanda’s support if he’s unable to get out of his contract. Meanwhile, after her emotional exchange with Fizz, Moniece is wondering why her mother is trying to sabotage her relationship with Rich Dollaz. Like Fizz, Rich is confused as to why Marla is on a rampage against her daughter, but he’s even more confused as to why Moniece doesn’t want to know her mother’s motives. Moniece goes from calm to crazy, breaking down in Rich’s arms.
To refresh your memory on everything that happened last season, plus give you a taste of what you’re in for, we’re recapping the craziest moments from season 3. In short: There was a whole lotta cheatin’ going on!
While Lauren has resolved to legally (and religiously) yoke herself to one Vicotta, of the saltiest and savoriest salamis, Albie Manzo remains adrift in the wind, spraying his pot fertilizer up at the sun and watching it disappear. Albie went from being the prodigal son, to being mommy’s biggest flop – even Lauren mocks him for failing out of law school. It was all that pot prosciutto!