Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap

Real Housewives of New Jersey recap

Season 7 of Real Housewives Of New Jersey continues to center around the transformation of Teresa Giudice. Flashbacks to the season 4 reunion feature an enraged Teresa, morphed into TreHulk – bright green dress and all! – screaming into Kathy Wakile‘s face, contrasted with a post-prison Teresa, calmly explaining that she’s just “not ready” to deal with the emotional weight of rebuilding her relationships with her cousins. Instead, it is Rosie screaming in frustration.  

It exemplifies a point that no one on Real Housewives of New Jersey seems to understand until it is way too late: no matter how much you want it so, no matter how much you regret your actions – from the person you married, to the words you said, to all the money you shouldn’t have spent – you can’t erase the past. In the immortal words of Cher, “If I could turn back time/If I could find a way/ I’d take back those words that hurt you…” 

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Melissa

On last night’s Real Housewives Of New Jersey, desperation and delusion was in the air…I am pretty sure that scent is sprayed over Montville with a crop duster.

Siggy Flicker doesn’t seem to understand that her children are not squishy stuffed animals she can squeeze, squeal at, dress up, and toss around. On the other hand, Siggy’s children don’t understand that she is their mother and they should show her some respect! I dunno maybe it has something to do with Siggy decorating her daughter’s room in No.1 Sophie paraphernalia? Or acting like One Direction has showed up every time she sees Josh

When Josh returns home from passing his driver’s test, the very first words out of mouth are “When are you gonna buy me a car?” Someone is driving straight into his future on the Teresa Giudice entitlement train! 

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Real Housewives of New Jersey recap

On last night’s Real Housewives Of New Jersey, the saga of Teresa Giudice‘s never-wavering love for Joe continued. Unfortunately for Joe, he’s about to go away for a 41 month ‘staycation’ at the federal penitentiary and no home security cameras are gonna replace him once Teresa takes over.

While Joe binge drinks and verbally abuses his dog, daughters, and wife, Teresa gets ready for the official launch of Turning The Tables. A lot rests on this little book – a veritable ‘How Not To’ manual for aspiring Italian Housewives everywhere. A tale as aged as wine of a woman who vowed to stand by her man through orange is the new black, through bankruptcy and back, through thick and thickening girth, through humiliation and outbursts, through cheating and chutzpah…

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RHONJ spa weekend

On last night’s Real Housewives Of New Jersey, the ladies traveled to a spa where Siggy Flicker counseled them into  adulting when it comes to problem solving and relationships. It kinda worked – although Jacqueline Laurita‘s mental state seems more precarious than ever. 

The new Teresa Giudice goes on vacation with one bag. The same old Melissa Gorga goes on vacation with five bags. Or maybe Melissa has become the old Teresa? I honestly can’t remember – a 1000 images of squealing, sequined suitcases swirl before me and blend together into one obnoxious monokini fashion show of Housewives in Hotels. Maybe I need an appointment with Dr. Siggy

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Real Housewives of New Jersey recap

Real Housewives Of New Jersey has always been about togetherness, strong roots, and “fambly” and friendship, which is nice. In a way. But then you add Teresa Giudice and Jacqueline Laurita‘s never-ending bitchfest about each other and the whole thing goes to wine in a solo cup. 

Poor, poor Dolores Catania is the victim of Frank’s double-edged sword of benevolence. She came home from the salon and her kitchen was gone.

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Jacqueline

On last night’s Real Housewives Of New Jersey we officially bid “Arrivederci” to Bravo’s bankrupt and brokedown version of Lucy and Ethel, because Teresa Giudice finally told Jacqueline Laurita to take her prosciutto and shove it! She has her own Thankyouverymuch. Or maybe it was the other way around? Oh, and Juicy will be rolley-bagging his homemade wine all the way home!

Things started off on the right foot, at least, with nobody having envy over anybody else. Well, maybe Melissa Gorga envies Poison, ’cause now that she’s a business owner/mom she has to do double the work while STILL listening to him complain. At least the Gorgadices are stepping in the right direction, though! Melissa even invites Teresa and Milania to watch her three kids walk in New York Fashion Week.

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Melissa Gorga opens Envy

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of New Jersey featured the opening of Melissa Gorga‘s long-awaited Posche revenge, Envy. A boutique dedicated to the many-splendored stylings of Melissa’s own taste. Teresa Giudice also proved that her and Juicy’s love is as real as the prison cell that holds them!

Poison Gorga seems to be confused both about which century he’s living in and that his life is not a 1980’s movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. You guys, men with sprayed on muscles DO NOT take care of their own children – they are not babysitters! 

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Real Housewives of New Jersey recap

Last night on Real Housewives Of New Jersey, we learned that a leopard doesn’t change its spots, even if said leopard changes the way she wears them. Jacqueline Laurita groveled extended the olive branch to see if Teresa Giudice was sincere about washing their hands of bad blood and rebuilding their friendship

Teresa is out of prison, and from this point forward everything must go in a new direction. Say “new direction” fast and it sounds like “nude erection,” which encompassed about 3/4 of the things Teresa learned from “camp.” The other thing was not to be slutty with your your John Hancock. So, yeah, about those leopards and their spots… 

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