What can be said about last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll say plenty – but did that actually happen? Did an Emmy-award winning actress really get a glass of backwashed wine thrown in her face by a desperate divorcee on a 10-year drunken meltdown? The answer to that question is unfortunately, yes.
Other things happened leading up to the white wine wash – it started with the last glamorous, happy, successful woman Brandi Glanville insulted on every level – Lisa Vanderpump. Brandi looked nice at that lunch, as if she played Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Yolanda Foster.
Boozdi is hosting a housewarming party for her latest rental. Lucky Kyle Richards lives 5 minutes away, which means Kyle is listing her house on the MLS – gotta keep up with the Fosters!
So Brandi’s house, let’s be honest: girl had it staged for the sake of this party. You know her real furniture consists of futons, plastic stacking chairs, a beerpong table, a keg-o-rator with Red Solo Cup dispenser, and jungle juice on tap. On Brandi’s Netflix Animal House, followed by Thelma & Louise are her most viewed selections. Outside there’s a sign that reads, “When you’re here, you’re home!”
Eileen Davidson is finally mingling with the group. They start her off gently, with the upper echelons of Malibu society, to ease her into the currant of RHOBH, by sending her off to lunch with Yolanda Foster, as supervised by Lipsa. Eileen is surprised to learn she and Yolanda have several things in common: children, anguish over the amount of work required of bossing servants around, and a propensity for micromanaging toilet cleaning. Yolanda expects us to believe she cleans her own toilets. Correction: I believe she cleans My Love‘s toilet so she has an excuse to snoop through his personal quarters. You know, just in case he has a few wayward piano keys or Grammys tucked away!
Eileen and Yolanda get along famously. Lisa is relieved. Her job here is done – now she can move on to more pressing personal matters, traveling to her hometown of Medford, OR to help her parents move out of her childhood home. To say it’s sad is an understatement, but it’s also touching and a really nice illustration that Lipsa has a kind soul, a good heart, and a down-to-earth, lovable spirit. She brings her teenaged daughters along with her. They are scoffish about Medford – even Lisa admits she never felt like she fit-in in small-town Oregon, because she was always dying to breakout her inner fabulosity – or her hoo-ha, preferably both (she admitted to wearing skirts so short you could practically see her “hoo-ha”).
Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, stars rose, hearts sunk, and Kim Richards‘ daughter got married in a gorgeous wedding, which was sweet and lovely and made me wanna be nice to Kim. I imagine that will be short-lived.
In what is surely the very definition of hell, Yolanda Foster is trapped on a rent-a-yacht in the middle of the ocean with Kyle Richards after receiving the news that her daughter Bella (soon to be known as The Disowned One) got a DUI. Yolanda sniffles through telling us that poor Bella had only ONE glass of wine and got pulled over. The injustice! Yolanda isn’t sure how to handle her children growing up and making decisions without her input. It hits her on an additional level because her father died in a car accident and she can’t believe Bella would be so careless.
Kyle Richards is preparing for another family vacation – this time on a 100-foot yacht in Mallorca, Spain. One of Kyle’s daughters is already in the South of France for a week with a friend and will be meeting the family in Spain. “Such is the life!” trills Kyle with faux humility. Kyle’s storyline this season seems to be an inferiority complex about proving she’s rich. Every episode is her pretending to be humble, while covertly bragging about flying private and living luxe but she’s actually squee-ing inside that finally she’s arrived. I’m just waiting to see her in a “Very Rich Bitch” t-shirt ala NeNe Leakes.
Before Kyle gets packing she visits to Kim Richards, who is preparing for her daughter Brooke’s wedding and wants to preview her Mother Of The Bride dresses. Everything at Kim’s house is scattered, decorated with rejects from early 90’s TV sets, and filled with deathly ill children – it’s all an evil ploy to make Kyle too sick for Mallorca so Kim can go instead, bond with Yolanda Foster, and cosy up to a wealthy Spanish gentleman! “Lysol – take me away!” Kyle puts her hair around her face like a mask to protect her from the germs. Kim’s dress is lovely – good for her.
Last night I had written the perfect recap in my mind, but then I fell asleep. When is read-a-brain scan technology coming out? Anyway, y’all will now have to be stuck with my sloppy seconds morning after recap of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. I hope it will suffice.
Lisa Rinna is celebrating a fabulous 50+ birthday. She peruses her closet, with the assistance of her daughters, to pick out the perfect out for her birthday dinner at PUMP. I love a BH closet – if we could spend the entire show in various closets – they could eat dinner in there, drink wine, argue – and we’d just be distracted by looking at all the glorious clothes.
Having glorious scenes at restaurants will also suffice. Lisa Vanderpump throws Lipsa’s birthday dinner at PUMP. LVP has Ken decked out in the family approved color of Vanderpinkie – they need a family crest of sparkly Pomeranian dyed bright pink. Lipsa is amazed by how gorgeous everything looks. Kyle Richards and Mauricio attend. Kyle waxes hairetic about how laughing with LVP is the part of their friendship she loves. Subtext: what she misses is partaking in free wine and food, while hob-nobbing with A-litsters.
Brandi Glanville apologized to Adrienne Maloof for surrogate-gate, because she doesn’t want it to be “awkward” when they run into each other. Uh-huh. We all know Brandi’s ulterior motive is that she needs to get to Adrienne before Lisa Vanderpump gets to her! This apology, where Brandi subtly attempted to drop hints to Adrienne that she was working on Lisa’s behalf, was another attempt of Brandi’s to join the chess team. Listen honey – stick to checkers.
Somewhere in the murky wilds between last season of RHOBH and this one, Brandi and Kim Richards became friends. Necessity is the mother of invention so the two people no one else wants to be friends with get stuck with each other. At least there were wigs!
Last night we welcomed Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 5! Yay! Although some things have changed – LISA RINNA IS HERE! – many things have stayed the same. Lisa Vanderpump is still fabulous and everyone is blaming her for being so, while pretending they are SO OVER that Lisa is able to get away with being snooty, snippy, and a little dismissive because she’s fun and glamorous, and pink – like a pussy!
Also, staying the same, although looking a bit more, shall we say, tweaked – is Brandi Glanville! Brandi’s face is ’bout to freeze in the the sour lemon sneer if she don’t shape up, because she is getting more bitter by the second. Brandi wants everyone to forget that she led last season’s mutiny against Lisa – correction: she wants Lisa to forget, but she also wants Lisa to accept that it was her fault that Brandi was forced to do it.
Things I realize about Brandi: she just can’t be happy, she doesn’t want to grow-up. She must have drama, and she’s only all about the truth and people owning up when it’s about other people.