The Twisted Sicksters Richards are still stranded in Palm Desert after the histrionic horrors of YOU STOLE MY HOUSE! Kim Richards insists she’s grown-up and is waiting for Kyle Richards to treat her like the “healthy, sober older sister who can take care of her life.” Except stupid Kyle is all Kim can’t even tell a vibrator from a lipstick and a Tuesday from a toadstool and God! Do I have to do everything, even cook eggs?! Man, if I were Kyle I would have put Ex-lax in the bitch’s eggs!
Yeah, they ate eggs instead of dealing with the destruction of the night before when Kim hoarsely screeched at Kyle to give back her house right. now. Or ELSE healthy big sober super sister Kim was going to destroy her with her inventive memory and her super weapon: the gossiping drunken lips of Boozdi, a super-villain who will swoop down from the valley with lies of attrition. Kyle meekly says she’s surprised Kim stayed after what happened, Kim just eats and plots to set a bag of Kingsley’s dog poop on fire and throw it on the grill.
The ladies start off the last leg of their Tour de Denial at the flower market. Earlier, while they were biking through the city Lisa Vanderpump saw a friend of her son Max. Brandi got to chatting… and other things… with said 23-year-old – lo and behold he asked her on a date, after spending the night with her. Are we sure they weren’t biking through the Red Light district? Isn’t dating your former bestie-turned-enemy-turned-stalking/slapping-recipient’s son’s friend a little, I dunno… Lifetime Movie creepy? I mean I can just picture Sela Ward playing the role of LVP.
Brandi, wearing a Fred Flintstone costume, recounts to Kim about “play slapping” Lisa. Kim laughs that uptight Lisa can’t take a joke – like that one time super sober champion soberling Kim joked about Harry doing evil, awful things and Lisa Rinna having evil, awful secrets… does Harry keep a people-eating troll in the basement?!
First, the problem with Brandi: Brandi takes everything too far – jokes, glasses of wine, involvement in other’s family matters. But when called out, she doesn’t own it – she projects outward, blaming, making baseless accusations; then is shocked when karma pays her retribution. Yes, Brandi is an unhappy, wounded woman who lacks self-esteem, but at what point – like say when you’re mid-40s and jacking up your face, your friendships, and your career beyond salvation – is it time to take ownership?
Instead, Brandi changes her friends, her addresses… Sadly, now that she and Kim have found each other all hell has broken loose – literally. I think poor Amsterdam needs to get the US Embassy to intervene! Visas revoked, bitches. And yank Yolanda Foster‘s too as payback – then make David pay a hefty fine to reinstate her access.
Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills things officially went to the dark side. Kim Richards lost her marbles in a cesspool of deflection, hysterics, and venomous rage. Don’t fear the reaper, or the coming of wrinkles, fear the KimKillah – who will bring the wrinkles and the emotional eating out in force!
Can I snark at the total break from reality I just witnessed? Eh – I’m going to, so don’t you worry your pretty little heads – or you may need Botox!
As soon as the ladies check into to their Amsterdam hotel they are met by the reassuring presence of Lisa Vanderpump and Eileen Davidson, walking into the unknown pit of Kingsleys. Lisa Rinna calls them “a lifeboat.” Sadly, they will prove to be as effective as the Titanic lifeboats.
Immediately Lipsa fills them in on the time Kim ruined her experience riding on the YoDa Aeronautic Private JetPlex and she was put off the two bites of artisinal crullers she was about to indulge in – only because she heard they were artfully glazed with a natural form of botox made from a very rare fish found only in the Nile River, deep in the Heart Of Darkness. “You know,” purred Yolanda Foster, “It’s the only way I ever consume sugar.”
Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills we dismantled the rambles of Kim Richards, warbled together with the whir of the YoDa Private Aeronautic Experience (MyLoveAir) as Kimterrorization continued. Kim really needs to come with instructions if she’s going to act like Kingsley all the time! You know what they say: like mother, like Pit Bull! I hope Lisa Rinna brought her Louis Vuitton bodybag with her on this trip, because the way things are going – someone is gonna need it! Especially since the Fosters definitely roll gangsta in the trip department – shi, shi, shi!
Before we hit the high airs to Amsterdam, Yolanda Foster hosts a scavenger hunt around Beverly Hills. You would think an event about competitive shopping would be fun for our ladies, but Yo had to go ahead and ruin it by forcing them to wear sneakers and drink a milkshake.
Yolanda had custom made “Dream Team” t-shirts in a variety of colors for the ladies,. including extra-special throwback Camille Grammer, who was scoring points based on most pernicious behavior. Naturally Brandi Glanville was the champion of the world.
So last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills we all got to play amateur psychologist as we tried to figure out what the heck is wrong with Kim Richards. Leading the charge were our bright-eyed and intrepid newbies Eileen Davidson and Lisa Rinna, eager to make a change, eager to help where help is not wanted. As they are about to learn the Richards Sisters are content and complicit in their dysfunction!
Brandi Glanville is on a 21-day cleanse under the tutelage of Yolanda Foster. That means no alcohol, no sugar, but totally Xanax! A girl can’t give up allll her vices. Yolanda is apparently captaining the Beverly Hills chapter of the Save-A-Hoe Foundation and she thinks yoga is gonna teach an old bitch new tricks. Nice try, but dangling a hot yoga instructor in front of a gal’s face is no way to reshape a behavior – but it’s not like it says NO MEN on this cleanse. Like I said, a girl can’t give up allll her vices! Xanax & Dating?
For everyday Brandi doesn’t drink is Yolanda is gonna give her one almond chip? BTW: Brandi is only doing this cleanse to prove to the other girls she’s not an alcoholic.
We pick up at Kyle Richards’ gay singles mixer and let me tell you, if there is one thing that unified the gays in that room it’s that they were all: “HOLLA we never have to end up tied to one of these crazy broads!” Then they retreated to a corner, made good use of the free drinks, and watched the single almond dinner show, because as we learned last night women of Beverly Hills think indulging in a hot dog shared three ways is a treat.
Kyle wants Brandi and Kim Richards to leave – obviously because they have sucked the air out of a party already about dry spells – but Kim just sits at some table in the mood-glow lighting like, ‘I don’t want to leave it’s my by-proxy party cause Kyle is my sister and I can ruin it if I want to!’ Brandi hauls her out, after reminding her that Kyle is not her sister, which jerks Kim to life, cause – Brand is right!!! Huh?
Outside Kim complains that Kyle was trying to “force” Brandi to spill secrets about her life and wanted to embarrass her. Oh, and Kyle is to blame for everything. Brandi and Kim are a toxic mess.
Before I continue with this recap I have two points to make:
1) Can we stop with the “My gays”? No one has “gays!” Just like no one has “heteros!” I loathe the so-called possession and ownership of “gays.” Gay people are just people, who are not ubiquitously defined by their sexuality no matter what Real Housewives want us to think. Plus, whatever “gays” Kyle has cobbled together, they clearly do not love her that much to let her dress that bad! Maybe it’s passive-aggressive payback for her leading them around LA referring to them as My Gay 1, My Gay Blonde, My Gay Ladysitter…
2) Why the hell would anyone fight for possession of “My Kim”? They do realize Kims come with Kingsley. And also, at the end of the day (HA!), it’s still Kim – who is praying to a trashcan and speaking gobbledy-goop, insisting it’s a language you just haven’t learned yet! It’s just Kim taking cancer medication as a fun-zany experiment while she accidentally smokes a dildo because she confused it with the e-cigarette she bought from that kiosk in the mall, on Tuesday, errrrr… I mean Wednesday, errrr… I mean during the 9, uhhhh 7, uuummmm 5 days she was in Promises Malibu the hospital working on her tan!