RHOBH Recap

Eileen Davidson is uncomfortable

The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills are now holding the Hamptons hostage. Lisa Vanderpump is pissy because she’s forced to stay in a cut-rate hotel, to attend a party Farrah Abraham is crashing, to celebrate the cover of a magazine literally no one has heard of. As Bethenny Frankel said, “Is it like one of those free magazines?”

Worst of all: Lisa must pretend to be happy about this so-called honor and has dragged poor Ken along for the ride. Did Ken not look about ready to lie down under the wheels of somebody’s limo just to make the high pitched voices stop? Ken-Aged-70 isn’t over the hill, he’s over it ALL. 

Still stranded at the White Party, over dinner Lisa morphs into a CIA Investigator, one step away from waterboarding Eileen Davidson with a Chanel purse and a Vodka Tonic, as she asked probing questions, carefully worded in provocative terms, about Eileen’s marriages – specifically how Eileen met Vinny and when.

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Lisa Vanderpump Hamptons

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills took their drama to the Hamptons. Except for Yolanda Foster – she took her leaking, sagging, toxic marriage implants to Cleveland to get removed. 

The girls are packing, which means a secret and exalted Bravo ritual known as CLOSET TOURS! 

First and foremost – unfortunately – we are in the mumu factory. Tucked deep in a corner of Beverly Hill is a tiny, cluttered, neon-covered, eye-searingly printed lair known as Kyle Richards dressing room. Ironically one of the closet rods actually collapses under the kaftan weight and refuses to be put right. Girl – that’s a sign! Even Porsha, aged 7, refused to help Kyle put the bar back up – she shot mama a knowing side-eye that said, “Things happen for a reason.” MmmmHmmmm…

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RHOBH recap- Eileen accidentally spills the beans

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills I learned many important lessons 1) Lyme Disease is airborne via rude comments (and leaky silicone); 2) Gigi Hadid is a child prodigy in the kitchen; 3) Pink heels are a patented trademark and copyright of Lisa Vanderpump; 4) Late-night pharmaceutical commercials are correct: depression hurts; 5) 70 is the new 17 as pertains to male horniness; 6) swan attacks are serious (thriller starring Kim Richards coming soon – Swanado: The Revenge Of Hanky); 7) There is an uglier, more overpriced item in Beverly Hills than $25,000 sunglasses and that is the Cartier Panther ring; And finally 8) Erika Jayne is living out all of our ABBA disco queen fantasies – except we’ve never heard of her. I still like the bitch. She’s fierce. (note sarcasm of my language, but I do like Erika because she’s sassy and not easily intimidated, but still classy). 

OK, well see ya next week – I gotta make sure I didn’t contract Lyme Disease from my TV. Cause like that shit is VIRAL. Even Kyle Richards may have a little bit of Lyme, or Munchausen By Proxy From Friends. I think that’s called ‘Keeping Up With The Vanderpump-itis” and yes, Kyle is quite afflicted! 

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RHOBH Recap Yolanda & David

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills the seeds of doubt concerning about Yolanda Foster‘s mysterious illness were officially sewn; woven into the delicate silk fabric of her friendships with almost invisible stitches anchoring tiny beads of suspicion into the internal boning of a couture gown. So – is it Munchhausen syndrome or is Lyme?! OOoOH Goody! 

After Real Housewives Of Orange County‘s exhausting and ludicrous storyline about Brooks Ayers faking cancer, I should be bored senseless by mystery illnesses. But! BUT! This is different – Yolanda’s symptoms seem to have a psychological element befitting of an old school Lifetime Movie.

Additionally Yolanda’s motives appear more complex. Could she be amplifying her illness to save a sagging marriage? Possibly give herself a purpose now that her days of a world-class beauty are over? Is it a reaction to Empty Nest Syndrome (do not give Caroline Manzo any ideas!). Yolanda’s Lyme symptoms and the crazy-ass lengths she is going to for treatments seem decidedly elevated from a mere cry for attention. They seem connected to her self-identity.

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Lisa and Lisa go get a pony

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills traveled the globe in search of magical little ponies and mythical caftans that will disappear all of their gloom. Unfortunately money can’t buy you mini ponies or magic muumuus!

Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump are shopping in Italy. Kyle is wearing – and I really must focus on this for an extended period of time – a cropped, cold-shoulder string-tie MUUMUU shirt, over black PJ pants. With large floppy hat. This woman needs an intervention. NO MORE mom-cazh!

The worst of the worst of the worst is that Lisa and Kyle are shopping in an Italian caftan store. Naturally the conversation flows (see what I did there) towards Richards-Hilton family dysfunction and Kyle’s decision to attend the wedding. Let’s be honest Kyle went to Italy so she can tell people she bought clothes in Italy, and Kyle wants to go to Nicky’s wedding so she can tell people she went to a Rothschild society wedding. 

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Kyle Richards family drama

It’s time for the sick, sad, dysfunctional world of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! Thank goodness for the beautiful Tuscan scenery and the epic way Lisa Vanderpump put Kathy Hilton‘s BS on blast or else I’d be suffering from a case of Lymopause-depression! I can’t wait for Erika Jayne‘s kooky-crazy next week to infuse this show with some fun weirdness, because melo-lyme-dramatics is too much!

Yolanda Foster needs to break-up from “stabbing in the dark” and “playing detective,” as she refers to the menagerie of ‘treatments’ she’s trying to cure Lyme. What is making Yolanda sicker – the Lyme Disease or all the crazy she’s dumping into her body? Yolanda’s Bathrobe is becoming the new Yolanda’s Fridge, and YoBathrobe just doesn’t have the same appeal. Lady needs to detox from detoxing, and instead of a weekly colonic to harvest tapeworms, how about a facial, a nice relaxing, massage, a bottle of wine and some My Love sexytimes! Or possibly a trip to the snooze-inducing Amalfi Coast? 

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RHOBH season 6 Premiere Recap

The ladies are back and I can already tell the theme of this season’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills  will be mustering sympathy for Yolanda Foster‘s campaign for battling Lyme disease.

While Yolanda is permanently convalescing – now in a condo far away from the palace of lemons lightly scented with love and sprinkled with the élan of Grammys – Lisa Vanderpump is getting her workout on. A workout for Lisa includes a personal trainer in the form of LA Dodgers player EJ Ellis. 

Lisa will be throwing the ceremonial first pitch to celebrate LGBT pride at Dodgers stadium and she is super honored plus excited, but nervous. 

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Tonight Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 6 premieres! Before we get into the new drama – let’s put on our Louboutins for a walk back in time through all the drama from season 5. Obviously Brandi Glanville in her Nine West pumps was trespassing! Good lord did I love last season. LOVED IT. And I just know this season will be just as good! 

Season 5 added Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson to the group. The addition of two soap opera stars definitely amped up the drama. After much debate, Lisa Vanderpump returned but struggled with trusting former friends Brandi and Kyle Richards again. Lisa quickly realized out she shouldn’t come within 50 yards of Brandi, but Kyle would do as a ‘Hollywood Friend’. You know what they say: Keep your friends close, your frienemies closer, and your enemies in The Valley! 

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