Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills told us, once again, about the manipulative webs spun by the busiest little spider in Beverly Hills, Lisa Vanderpump. But alas! There is also a praying mantis awaiting in our midst named Yolanda Foster! Once she extracts herself from her bathrobe cocoon, that is.
Despite disliking all the women Erika Girardi throws a dinner party to introduce Tom. Naturally this is the perfect occasion to wear a microscopic leopard-print negligee and call it a dress. Hostess with the mostess vag! #ThisIsYourBrainOnErikaJayne
Minutes before guests arrive, Yolanda cancels, FaceTiming from bed, wearing her magical-mystical bathrobe (upon impact Yolanda must instantly post a sick-selfie! ). Yolanda’s eyes and brain are swollen because of miscounting spoons. My husband observing from the side of the room, noted, “That sounds like a ‘washing my hair’ excuse.” Erika is understanding because as Yo’s Sequiny Solider she must protect the Lymes of Power.
I feel exhausted. Why can’t the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills just have fun together and be friends? This show is fabulous when everyone on it is fabulous: fabulously dressed, fabulously wealthy, fabulously living, fabulously connected, and fabulously friends. When they resort to low-level manipulative pandering of ‘take down storylines’ – take downs of the same woman, season after season, I might add – it becomes unbearably trite.
I get it – no one in the 90210 zipcode and its surrounding areas can stand Lisa Vanderpump! She’s too busy having fun with ponies to sweat y’all’s smallstuff, though.
In case you’ve forgotten Yolanda Foster has Lyme Disease, and the only part of her brain that remains in functioning order is the manipulative faction. Ain’t that aces for her reality TV career! She’s got some inexplicable issue with LVP that’s gonna play out again and again until the 4 tenors sing off-key.
I do not like my Lisa Vanderpump fighting with my Eileen Davidson. Unequivocally my two favorite Housewives, I demand they become friends. Eileen is my Spirit Housewife, but Lisa is the Top Seat in my Fantasy Housewife League. I don’t have time for all the over-analyzing required of choosing sides. I blame Erika Jayne-Giradi and by default Yolanda for this. Erika had an extremely brief moment in the sun, didn’t she?
Before we get into the lemon-lyme mess of moushchen-houschen-doth-protestest-too-much, the ladies are still in San Diego recovering from the Erika Jayne treatment. As if the Erika Jayne gyration experience wasn’t enough, she gave them whiplash when she bold-faced lied the night before. Nevertheless the ladies are climbing aboard Erika’s golden tour bus for a trip to Kathryn Edwards‘ house. At Kathryn’s they may not have c-nty necklaces, or a plethora of naked male dancers, but they do have a fireplace of stones imported from Jerusalem!
Over brunch Eileen Davidson demands an answer to who told Yolanda that Bella and Anwar’s Lyme was discussed (and lied about the context). Finally Erika confesses. No one asks why she lied the night before, or to Yolanda. She claims she merely mentioned the discussion to Yo. The side-eye of Lisa Vanderpump does not believe her.
Erika Girardi-Jayne showed some colors that weren’t pink and sparkly, but rather murky and c-nty on last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. If there are two definitions of the word “c-u-next-Tuesday-y,” Erika gave us both in the form of new personality called Erika Payne. I expected a little more honesty from Erika. We’re talking about a woman who prances around with her hoohah out lecturing about confidence and self-acceptance, yet she effortlessly lied to a group of women, not caring that one of them could lose friends over it. Interesting indeed, Ms. Hoohah of the Beverly Hills. Are the Lymes of Yolanda Foster worth all that?
I really like Erika in general, outside of her relationship with Yolanda in which she is being used (willingly? accidentally?) as a patsy for whatever game it is Yolanda is playing. The reunion should be very interesting!
On the bright side Eileen Davidson melts my heart for being so down-to-earth, silly, and admitting that she doesn’t give a flying $4,000 designer f–k about materialism. Eileen truly has confidence and doesn’t need all the trappings of attention-seeking “c-nty” necklaces to get a reaction out of “old women,” or the inflated status that swinging around a designer bag gives you. She’s as anti-Hollywood Friend as you can get, without needing some sort of validating T-Shirt proclaiming, “Proud To Not Be A Hollywood Friend #DreamTeam” – you know, the BS Yolanda is always shoving in everyone’s face to make them question themselves. Eileen is my Spirit Housewife.
Other than fishnets on ladies of a certain age, the drama centered aroundYolanda Foster‘s Lyme Disease and Faye Resnick‘s polarizing existence. Two subjects I do not care about one bit!
Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump are throwing a burlesque party, to celebrate their joint anniversaries. Kyle and Lisa are cute together. Even when they’re bickering. Lisa withholds sugar from Kyle’s tea as punishment for Kyle springing Faye on her. Kyle teases back that Lisa is holding a grudge. Later Lisa attempts to snoop through Kyle’s phone to see if she and Faye have been talking about her, but it’s all in fun. Quite simply, Lisa doesn’t want the “orangutan” that is Faye – and Faye is very orange in hue no thanks to the most curious spray tan color ever seen. Does she ask the airbrusher to tint her “highlighter orange”? Or possibly “Orange Julius”? Whatever’s happening – that ain’t sunkisst!
The venue for the party is a speakeasy style hotel, and it’s fabulous. Even the looming presence Faye can’t tint Lisa’s excitement.
Look – I’m just gonna say it, because it has to be said: Yolanda Foster should not be part of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills this season. If Yolanda is too ill to fully participate, she should have taken a leave of absence to selfie from the comfort of her bed.
It’s not that I believe illness or family tragedy have no place on a mostly fluffy reality show. I fully agree the storylines should be real and provide an honest-ish glimpse into these women’s lives. But Lyme Disease has infected everything! Plus Yolanda is not giving us realness (about her own life or, apparently, allegedly, her children’s?), nor is she giving us the aspirational living required from the WEALTHIEST Housewives zipcode. Instead she’s giving us… well I don’t know if it’s Chronic Lyme, misdiagnosed menopause, Munchausen by Wikipedia, denial over an ailing marriage, or silicone poisoning?
I’m confused – I thought Kim Richards was fired from Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills? Is she getting a royalty check every time someone says her name because she’s literally all anyone talks about. And Erika Jayne‘s face above, that’s how I feel when Kim gets brought up. I imagine Kyle Richards probably has an interesting enough life without discussing Kim.
First there is her questionable fashion taste, yet she is the owner of not one, but TWO luxury kaftan emporiums (Did Kyle really repurpose a lace table cloth into a mini dress last night? I applaud her dedication to sustainable fashion and support of Project Runway challenges in the real world sphere). There is her friendship with Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, her drama with other sister, Kathy Hilton, the Machiavellian womb which produced Paris Hilton. Then there is Kyle’s ultimate frienemy-ship with Lisa Vanderpump because of which Kyle often is seen making an ‘I drank a fiber smoothie but forgot my Depends’ face.
Oh, and the woman has like 46 feet of hair, which does tricks: Hair flips! Helicopter spins! Plus she can do splits. And Kyle’s married to “Maurice,” who may or may not be sour that LVP stole his Bravo spinoff, which is only karma because he may or may not have stolen Rick Hilton‘s clients (according to Truth Cannons). What I’m alluding to here is that Kyle has a lot to work with which doesn’t involve Kim. Plus, she’s also doing a closet renovation, so there’s that.