Look – I’m just gonna say it, because it has to be said: Yolanda Foster should not be part of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills this season. If Yolanda is too ill to fully participate, she should have taken a leave of absence to selfie from the comfort of her bed.
It’s not that I believe illness or family tragedy have no place on a mostly fluffy reality show. I fully agree the storylines should be real and provide an honest-ish glimpse into these women’s lives. But Lyme Disease has infected everything! Plus Yolanda is not giving us realness (about her own life or, apparently, allegedly, her children’s?), nor is she giving us the aspirational living required from the WEALTHIEST Housewives zipcode. Instead she’s giving us… well I don’t know if it’s Chronic Lyme, misdiagnosed menopause, Munchausen by Wikipedia, denial over an ailing marriage, or silicone poisoning?
I’m confused – I thought Kim Richards was fired from Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills? Is she getting a royalty check every time someone says her name because she’s literally all anyone talks about. And Erika Jayne‘s face above, that’s how I feel when Kim gets brought up. I imagine Kyle Richards probably has an interesting enough life without discussing Kim.
First there is her questionable fashion taste, yet she is the owner of not one, but TWO luxury kaftan emporiums (Did Kyle really repurpose a lace table cloth into a mini dress last night? I applaud her dedication to sustainable fashion and support of Project Runway challenges in the real world sphere). There is her friendship with Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, her drama with other sister, Kathy Hilton, the Machiavellian womb which produced Paris Hilton. Then there is Kyle’s ultimate frienemy-ship with Lisa Vanderpump because of which Kyle often is seen making an ‘I drank a fiber smoothie but forgot my Depends’ face.
Oh, and the woman has like 46 feet of hair, which does tricks: Hair flips! Helicopter spins! Plus she can do splits. And Kyle’s married to “Maurice,” who may or may not be sour that LVP stole his Bravo spinoff, which is only karma because he may or may not have stolen Rick Hilton‘s clients (according to Truth Cannons). What I’m alluding to here is that Kyle has a lot to work with which doesn’t involve Kim. Plus, she’s also doing a closet renovation, so there’s that.
The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills are now holding the Hamptons hostage. Lisa Vanderpump is pissy because she’s forced to stay in a cut-rate hotel, to attend a party Farrah Abraham is crashing, to celebrate the cover of a magazine literally no one has heard of. As Bethenny Frankel said, “Is it like one of those free magazines?”
Worst of all: Lisa must pretend to be happy about this so-called honor and has dragged poor Ken along for the ride. Did Ken not look about ready to lie down under the wheels of somebody’s limo just to make the high pitched voices stop? Ken-Aged-70 isn’t over the hill, he’s over it ALL.
Still stranded at the White Party, over dinner Lisa morphs into a CIA Investigator, one step away from waterboarding Eileen Davidson with a Chanel purse and a Vodka Tonic, as she asked probing questions, carefully worded in provocative terms, about Eileen’s marriages – specifically how Eileen met Vinny and when.
The girls are packing, which means a secret and exalted Bravo ritual known as CLOSET TOURS!
First and foremost – unfortunately – we are in the mumu factory. Tucked deep in a corner of Beverly Hill is a tiny, cluttered, neon-covered, eye-searingly printed lair known as Kyle Richards‘ dressing room. Ironically one of the closet rods actually collapses under the kaftan weight and refuses to be put right. Girl – that’s a sign! Even Porsha, aged 7, refused to help Kyle put the bar back up – she shot mama a knowing side-eye that said, “Things happen for a reason.” MmmmHmmmm…
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills I learned many important lessons 1) Lyme Disease is airborne via rude comments (and leaky silicone); 2) Gigi Hadid is a child prodigy in the kitchen; 3) Pink heels are a patented trademark and copyright of Lisa Vanderpump; 4) Late-night pharmaceutical commercials are correct: depression hurts; 5) 70 is the new 17 as pertains to male horniness; 6) swan attacks are serious (thriller starring Kim Richards coming soon – Swanado: The Revenge Of Hanky); 7) There is an uglier, more overpriced item in Beverly Hills than $25,000 sunglasses and that is the Cartier Panther ring; And finally 8) Erika Jayne is living out all of our ABBA disco queen fantasies – except we’ve never heard of her. I still like the bitch. She’s fierce. (note sarcasm of my language, but I do like Erika because she’s sassy and not easily intimidated, but still classy).
OK, well see ya next week – I gotta make sure I didn’t contract Lyme Disease from my TV. Cause like that shit is VIRAL. Even Kyle Richards may have a little bit of Lyme, or Munchausen By Proxy From Friends. I think that’s called ‘Keeping Up With The Vanderpump-itis” and yes, Kyle is quite afflicted!
Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills the seeds of doubt concerning about Yolanda Foster‘s mysterious illness were officially sewn; woven into the delicate silk fabric of her friendships with almost invisible stitches anchoring tiny beads of suspicion into the internal boning of a couture gown. So – is it Munchhausen syndrome or is Lyme?! OOoOH Goody!
Additionally Yolanda’s motives appear more complex. Could she be amplifying her illness to save a sagging marriage? Possibly give herself a purpose now that her days of a world-class beauty are over? Is it a reaction to Empty Nest Syndrome (do not give Caroline Manzo any ideas!). Yolanda’s Lyme symptoms and the crazy-ass lengths she is going to for treatments seem decidedly elevated from a mere cry for attention. They seem connected to her self-identity.
Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills traveled the globe in search of magical little ponies and mythical caftans that will disappear all of their gloom. Unfortunately money can’t buy you mini ponies or magic muumuus!
Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump are shopping in Italy. Kyle is wearing – and I really must focus on this for an extended period of time – a cropped, cold-shoulder string-tie MUUMUU shirt, over black PJ pants. With large floppy hat. This woman needs an intervention. NO MORE mom-cazh!
The worst of the worst of the worst is that Lisa and Kyle are shopping in an Italian caftan store. Naturally the conversation flows (see what I did there) towards Richards-Hilton family dysfunction and Kyle’s decision to attend the wedding. Let’s be honest Kyle went to Italy so she can tell people she bought clothes in Italy, and Kyle wants to go to Nicky’s wedding so she can tell people she went to a Rothschild society wedding.
It’s time for the sick, sad, dysfunctional world of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! Thank goodness for the beautiful Tuscan scenery and the epic way Lisa Vanderpump put Kathy Hilton‘s BS on blast or else I’d be suffering from a case of Lymopause-depression! I can’t wait for Erika Jayne‘s kooky-crazy next week to infuse this show with some fun weirdness, because melo-lyme-dramatics is too much!
Yolanda Fosterneeds to break-up from “stabbing in the dark” and “playing detective,” as she refers to the menagerie of ‘treatments’ she’s trying to cure Lyme. What is making Yolanda sicker – the Lyme Disease or all the crazy she’s dumping into her body? Yolanda’s Bathrobe is becoming the new Yolanda’s Fridge, and YoBathrobe just doesn’thavethe same appeal. Lady needs to detox from detoxing, and instead of a weekly colonic to harvest tapeworms, how about a facial, a nice relaxing, massage, a bottle of wine and some My Love sexytimes! Or possibly a trip to the snooze-inducing Amalfi Coast?